Just to give you all background, I'm 21 and I first saw porn when I was 12. I honestly didn't know what it was until I turned 14 or 15, and I've been struggling with it since. I discovered GYE when I was 18 and signed up, but never ever used it until now. I'm posting here because I made a promise to myself over the Yamim Noraim that I AM NOT WATCHING ANY PORN EVER AGAIN, and I'm looking for people to reply to this with their thoughts. I put a filter on all my devices, but in our modern world there is ALWAYS something to look at and no filter is 100% perfect.

I've had a few "successful" attempts at breaking my addiction. The first one came in my second year of Yeshiva in ארץ ישראל where I was able to go Elul Zman through the end of Choref zman porn free. I felt amazing and never thought I'd look back. I even made it over Nissan Bein Hazmanim at home, but sometime when I was back in Yeshiva I succumbed to it again. Between then and last year I had a few month or so stints porn free but always succumbed again and again.

But then came shidduchim. I told myself I wouldn't start dating until I could go the magical 90 days porn free - and I did (after a few tries). After successfully going the 90 days I started dating and one of the first girls I went out with seemed to be right. After a little more than a month of dating her (and this is about 5 months porn-free) I realized that this girl was special. I wasn't sure about marrying her just yet but I realized I would under no circumstances break my streak. Despite my porn addiction, I have/will always be Shomer Negiya, but obviously when dating it was hard. There were nights when I thought "just look at some porn, it will make you feel better". But I didn't. I stayed strong.

5 months into our relationship we started talking engagement. I was super excited. First off, I found the girl I wanted to marry and secondly I thought porn would be behind me (I know married people struggle with it too but I thought I conquered it). But the second we started talking engagement our relationship went downhill. I realized over the course of the next month that she was not the girl I should marry, and she realized the same about me, and we broke up.

I made it about a day and a half until I watched porn. I hated myself and couldn't believe I did it, but I did it again and again and again over the next few months.

It's been a year since all of this and I am trying to conquer this challenge again. Baruch Hashem I realized why Hashem put me through that break up, but the only negative thing about the whole thing is I'm struggling with porn again. Like I said, I have put filters up and everything.

All comments and suggestions are welcomed

Went past a street today that was actually a bunch of adult shops. 
A whole row of stores with prostitutes sitting in the store front. 

2 things happened next:

I couldn't get the sight out of my head (of course) 
And my taiva level shot up

But also, it suddenly felt like a different reality. It's not unknown bodies behind a screen which has been altered or they are feeling secure behind a screen and their 'type' are all people doing the same. It's not a black closed off storefront with just a back entrance like in the city that I live in. 
It's real people, presumably in their home town, with absolutely no sense of morality, just doing this full time like it's the most normal thing in the world. 
Not one or two or five. A whole bunch of such stores next to each other. 
It got me thinking, (I can't not think about this) how long will it take until every neighborhood has this? How long will it take until every goy feels like that is normal.
Morality is history. There is no shame. There is no sense of anything really.
What will we do then? What will the style on streets be then? 
And how will we luster survive such a world? 

I know, people have been saying this for years, especially since the Internet but it just hit me. Hard. And I just wanted to share. This is fact. We have to brace ourselves.
Most importantly, I want to point out that the sooner we reach sobriety the easier it will be, and we have to help others reach that too, before the world reaches that point of no return, where hardened addicts have virtually no hope

Hatzlacha to all

shomewolf wrote on 29 Sep 2020 21:31:

Shlomo Hamelech's maxim that "Seven times does the righteous one fall and get up" (Mishlei, 24:16) does not mean that "even after falling seven times, the righteous one manages to gets up again." What it really means, is that it is only and precisely through repeated falls that a person truly achieves righteousness. The struggles – even the failures – are inherent elements of what can, with determination and perseverance, become an ultimate victory.

You might be asking: Is there ever any hope? Will I really ever be able to change, to get sober, and be sober for any length of time? There are so many tests in our life, how can I possibly pass them? Well, my holy brothers and sisters, the answer is YOU CAN PASS THE TESTS OF LIFE - and that you have it right inside yourself to do so! Don't forget that, in fact, as a son/daughter of Avraham Avinu - YOU HAVE THE "SPIRITUAL DNA" TO PASS ANY AND ALL TESTS!

This is the test of life: not to be strong and fight valiantly. But to recognize we can't, and instead TRUST that Hashem will do it for us. As the pasuk in Tehillim says:

  לא בגבורת הסוס יחפץ, לא בשוקי האיש ירצה... רוצה ה' את יראיו
את המייחלים לחסדו

I'v been struggling with porn and masturbation for about 8 years now since I was 12 . I considered a very religious gut who learns a lot it yeshiva. I first discovered porn when I go my first smartphone and found some inappropriate pictures and it escalated from their did not know it was a bad thing to do until it was too late I used to watch for hours each day completely addicted and every time tried I failed throughout the years I have gone on clean steaks but each one ending I have got better since the start but I cannot break free I have filters on all my devices but managed to get around them.
please if anyone could help I can not take this anymore and I just want it to stop i fell like i am living a lie and thinking about giving in and giving up judism

Heya,

So I have been doing so well - I thought at least.

I haven't actually haven't looked at P for a long time, however still found myself occasionally looking at inappropriate content - silly really.

I really had a powerful YK, and thought I was making some great headway, I think the lesson here is never to stop asking for help.

Unfortunately just slipped up and been caught in the wave of regret and have not been on GYE for AGES, but made a choice to get here, post my fall, and move on.

I have done this before and have the right kind of protection in place,  but really not feeling so well and that triggered me off.

I have learned though, that I can overcome this, I don't believe in back to zero, because each day of success leads to greater success and I just needed the external chizuk to stop acting out and express myself.

for anyone interested I have found a program on self-hypnosis for overcoming this addiction and working through it daily, if you're interested in hearing more let me know.

It's been a while since I last posted. Here's a short summary of updates:

1. Stress at work helped me fall a lot, but unlike before no more goy days. Bounced back immediately after and started on improving myself again

2. Sessions with psychologist helped a lot. Allowed me to express feelings about myself, Hashem, and the mission I believe He wants me to accomplish that I couldn't talk to anyone in my kehillah about.

3. Adopted new methods to do better:

• Alarm every hour while working to remind me to sneak in 3-5 minutes of reading halakhot email newsletters, GYE stuff, Mussar, etc
• Reading biographies of tzaddikim who I want to emulate. In particular, Reb Aryeh Levin struck me as very human, honest, and humble (3 H's). Obviously not on his level, but reading snippets about his life made me realize I could be one too.
•  Positive self-talk. I told myself that I am a tzaddik-in-training, that Hashem still wants me and loves me so much, that I can start again, that I can stretch further, etc
• Told Hashem during Rosh Hashanah shofar-blowing that I will no longer be an addict and will be more humble this year

About the last point, I'm an emotional guy who talks a lot to Hashem via hitbodedut but overall I still consider myself a bit of a skeptic (after all, skepticism is what helped me escape Xtianity before). But I just don't feel like an addict with unstoppable urges anymore. Not sure what to call this but I think I got a bonafide nes. 

Before Rosh Hashanah (aka all throughout Elul this year), I used to do motsi zera livatala 3-4 times per week. My sobriety streak is at most 1-3 days only. Even during the Aseret Yamei Teshuvah last year I couldn't stop myself (except Yom Tov of course).

But now, I feel able to control myself. I fell just once since Sept 18. And I bounced back immediately after instead of wallowing in bed all day like I did before.

Just wanted to share. So happy and excited. I feel like I've been granted a new lease on life. I choose to believe that He has given me refuah shelemah already. But I'm trying to keep myself humble by thinking that even cancer patients relapse. If I continue looking at the streets or at porn, I will be back to square one. I don't know how long I can keep my streak up (will definitely get to at least 5 days because tomorrow is Yom Kippur), but I will keep at it one day at a time.

Hashem is good. May He bless all of you the same way He did for me. To any of you who are feeling down, please don't lose hope, because salvation can come at any moment. And because kol Am Yisrael is relying on us GYE members to keep the flame of kedushah burning until that day comes when the Temple is rebuilt and we are reunited with the Shechinah in our land.

Gmar chatima tova lekulam. Praying for everyone's refuah shlemah, continued persistence (we are am kishei oref after all haha), and that we all continue growing in humility and gratitude.

I figured I would just share my experiences in order to just vent and hear from others. My problems with porn and masturbation began at a relatively young age. I discovered the "pleasures" and could not resist. Multiple times a week I would engage in the deed and this would continue and continue. I felt horrible after doing it, and I asked Hashem for help, but I was too embarrassed to say anything to anyone else. Every Elul, RH, and YK I would daven my heart out, klapping al chet, but would just start up again soon. Usually, over the summers I didn't feel the urge as much, probably due to my busy schedule at the sleepaway camp I worked at, as well as the limited technology there. However, each time I came home from camp, I returned to my old ways. 
   None of this really changed until I went to EY for Yeshiva. In Yeshiva, I found myself super busy and didn't have time for all that shtus. Additionally, I developed more of a G-d Consciousness while there and I was doing pretty well. That's not too say I didn't fall. There were probably a handful of times where I succumbed to my desires. But 4 times a year was definitely better than 4 times a week. 
 I returned to Israel a second time, and the same pattern continued, although I probably had longer streaks of not doing it. I would feel like garbage when I did, but I quickly rebounded and was able to stay clean for a while. 
    In my first year of college after that, the same thing occurred. I couldn't eradicate it completely and probably did it once or twice. Then COVID hit and I had a big relapse. Being home in my childhood bedroom, where I committed the crime so many times, and having a computer at all times because of online school, was not good for me. Being put back in my negative habitat, my addiction returned, although not to the same extent. There were weeks where I was completely clean, weeks where it only happened once, and weeks where it happened multiple nights. 
    When Elul came I really tried to end it all. I engaged in a lot of cheshbon hanefesh and study on teshuva and I thought I would never do it again like every other time. After reading the battle of our generation I thought I would stay clean, but lo and behold I did it again. I felt horrible and tried again, applying the different tricks, but last night, not even a week after RH, and a few days before YK, I did it again.
     So I turned to here. I need to stop this. I want to have a better relationship with HaKadosh Boruch Hu. I hate the idea of me sinning, especially in such a serious matter as this one. I don't want this ruining my life any further. BeH and Bl'N, last night was the last time I'll ever do it. Now that I've signed up with the program, I hope that I can do a real Teshuva, for all my sins in this area. I hope to never see that clean day count hit 0 and I hope this community will be able to help me
   Good Shabbas, 
     Lessing  

Why taka doesn't Dov post on these forums any more?

And yeshiva guy, you're doing great. About addiction, there are a few questions I've seen (I think in the GYE handbook) that try and figure out if you are an addict. Its not gonna be foolproof, maybe worth a look though.

All the best.

That’s a misconception, he will help anyone and in fact feels strongly that many if not most of us here are NOT addicts...
He gave me some really good advice and perspective.

Either keep strong! Your an incredible guy!

Markz wrote on 23 Sep 2020 23:39:

Not really looking to shmuze bout Islam etc with anyone, but “getting out of lust rut” sounds good.
Though I had a coffee today and learnt a geshmak second Seder with my chavrusa in my room and feeling pretty good, so i think I’m pretty fine.

Plus, I hear Dov is for addicts, and though I’m never bashful to admit my chesronos or challenges, I truly don’t believe I’m an addict, but rather a regular guy with taavos.
Again, If you disagree, then I welcome all thoughts- I am open to being wrong.
Thank you for your concern!

Ultimately, only Hashem can overcome the addiction for us. As Chazal say: “If Hashem doesn’t help him, he cannot overcome him” (the Yetzer Hara). But, in order for Hashem to fight for us, we need to know that we can’t do it alone, and we need to reconnect with Hashem in a very fundamental way and learn a complete dependency on Him; much as a one day old baby depends on its mother.

The secret to success is to let Hashem do it for us, as the Pasuk says: “Hashem yilachem lachem, ve’atem tacharishun – Hashem will fight for you, and you shall be silent.” To accomplish this, however, we need to learn to completely trust in Hashem. And those who learn this and give over the struggle to Hashem are amazed to find that Hashem actually removes the lust from them and keeps them "sober". This technique is nothing short of miraculous, but it has been documented thousands of times by the most hopeless cases of addiction in 12-Step groups around the world, since the 1930s.

The Gemara says that Chavakuk Hanavi summed up all of the Torah in one statement, "Tzadik Be'emunoso Yich'ye – The Tzadik will live in his faith." Rashi explains that in earlier generations, people had the strength to concentrate on all 613 mitzvos; however, in the later generations we simply cannot. So Chavakuk Hanavi gave us the key: Concentrate on Emunah (Faith) and Hashem will take care of everything else.

Just made it to 90 days without P&M! Thank you everyone for all of your support during this process. It was sooo hard. I was unemployed the entire time so I had little to distract me from my addiction and plenty of stress which made me want to binge. I must confess that even though I’ve reached 90 days, my 5+ months of unemployment have not helped my already fragile relationship with God. Thankfully, I received a job offer this week and will begin work on Monday. My career is so so important to me so please daven for my success.   (Yes, God knows who TheFighter99 is;-) My relationship with Hashem basically rises and falls largely as a function of it. Thank you and I wish you all A ksiva vchasima tova.

Best, 
TheFighter99

Hi,
Thanks for the responses. Wanted to take the time to reply before Rosh Hashanah, so here it goes:

@HashemHelpMe
Agreed for the most part. Being settled and thought through when making the kabbalah is so important, because without that, in my experience, I'll break it the 3rd or 4th time it gets tough, and then just give up on it.

Also, different strategies and Kabbalos work for different people, and each person has to be super honest with themselves in figuring out what they actually need. In my personal experience, more exteme does not automatically equal better or more helpful. More thoughtful, honest and calculated does.


@Willnevergiveup
I agree that eventually Hashem wants us to focus on forgiveness, and that mechilah for our chata'im is obviously very important because we don't want sins on our ledger, and more importantly because we need to mend our relationship with Him. 

From experience, sincerely asking mechilah for a cheit that I am knee deep in isn't productive in the long run, because it makes me feel like I'm more or less clean, and then when I fall I feel like I am back in square one (which is true to some extent if there was nothing done beyond asking mechilah).
Additionally, asking mechilah for a cheit you can't honestly promise to not ever do again, and will most probably repeat, is a tricky business.

It is far more productive to say nothing at all, or, if I can manage it, sincerely something like this.
"I am addicted to p&m and have sinned alot and it has led to a growing distance from You. The addiction is my fault and I am doing (((see above post))) to help myself. I know that getting clean is a journey, and I will most likely fall again, maybe once, maybe twice, maybe twenty or one hundred times, before fully coming clean. But I am committed to making every mistake into a moment of self reflection and a call to tweak my plan of action, if necessary. And I know that progress and mistakes aren't mutually exclusive. So I ask forgiveness for getting myself into this spot in the first place, and for all of the bad it has led to. Please give me the strength, patience and wisdom to help me get myself out of it"

Some might consider this a defeatist attitude in a sense, but I say that it is realistic optimism. In past years, I have flip floped so many times between thinking that I've already basically become clean (after a small clean stretch) and that there is no chance I ever succeed (after a fall or series of falls).

I ask all veteran GYEers: what percentage of people who come to this site, even without a strong addiction, never fall again from the day they start? How many who come with that attitude are still coming back after their 3rd fall?



Wishing us all a kesivah vichasima tova, and year full of deep, gradual growth in this area and any other area that we choose to work on improving ourselves.

Here are some tips that are helping me and I hope it can help others too in their recovery work.
Please share your "recovery work" tips here as well.

1. Focusing on getting through today. Prioritizing recovery work first before other things that were a high priority for me in the past.

2. Prayer: verbally and meditation throughout the day.

3. Being brutally honest when it's hard/embarrassing & looking for ways to humble myself.

4. Recovery from this struggle/addiction/obsession requires removing 2 words from our thoughts - FEAR and GUILT. This obsession feeds itself on those feelings

5. Phone calls and surrendering when feeling deregulated for any reason. Lust is never a good option.

6. Setting alarm reminders on the phone etc to think about connection to Hashem.

8. Fellowship. Interacting with the fellows in person and in chat.

9. Staying away from any possible triggers. Consciously not looking when out in public. 

10. Steer away from getting any highs - in order to avoid the lows that follow.

11. Helping others and in general looking for acts of chesed, in recovery and out.

12. Recognizing the goodness of Hashem, the miracles and the joys of life and sharing them publicly.

sleepy wrote on 10 Sep 2020 04:31:

Wow, you agree with Dov on something .