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My story until now
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TOPIC: My story until now 547 Views

My story until now 25 Sep 2020 22:10 #355511

  • Lessing
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I figured I would just share my experiences in order to just vent and hear from others. My problems with porn and masturbation began at a relatively young age. I discovered the "pleasures" and could not resist. Multiple times a week I would engage in the deed and this would continue and continue. I felt horrible after doing it, and I asked Hashem for help, but I was too embarrassed to say anything to anyone else. Every Elul, RH, and YK I would daven my heart out, klapping al chet, but would just start up again soon. Usually, over the summers I didn't feel the urge as much, probably due to my busy schedule at the sleepaway camp I worked at, as well as the limited technology there. However, each time I came home from camp, I returned to my old ways. 
   None of this really changed until I went to EY for Yeshiva. In Yeshiva, I found myself super busy and didn't have time for all that shtus. Additionally, I developed more of a G-d Consciousness while there and I was doing pretty well. That's not too say I didn't fall. There were probably a handful of times where I succumbed to my desires. But 4 times a year was definitely better than 4 times a week. 
 I returned to Israel a second time, and the same pattern continued, although I probably had longer streaks of not doing it. I would feel like garbage when I did, but I quickly rebounded and was able to stay clean for a while. 
    In my first year of college after that, the same thing occurred. I couldn't eradicate it completely and probably did it once or twice. Then COVID hit and I had a big relapse. Being home in my childhood bedroom, where I committed the crime so many times, and having a computer at all times because of online school, was not good for me. Being put back in my negative habitat, my addiction returned, although not to the same extent. There were weeks where I was completely clean, weeks where it only happened once, and weeks where it happened multiple nights. 
    When Elul came I really tried to end it all. I engaged in a lot of cheshbon hanefesh and study on teshuva and I thought I would never do it again like every other time. After reading the battle of our generation I thought I would stay clean, but lo and behold I did it again. I felt horrible and tried again, applying the different tricks, but last night, not even a week after RH, and a few days before YK, I did it again.
     So I turned to here. I need to stop this. I want to have a better relationship with HaKadosh Boruch Hu. I hate the idea of me sinning, especially in such a serious matter as this one. I don't want this ruining my life any further. BeH and Bl'N, last night was the last time I'll ever do it. Now that I've signed up with the program, I hope that I can do a real Teshuva, for all my sins in this area. I hope to never see that clean day count hit 0 and I hope this community will be able to help me
   Good Shabbas, 
     Lessing  

Re: My story until now 26 Sep 2020 22:09 #355517

Welcome to the site. I won't say I know how you feel, but your story sounds similar to mine, and that of so many others here. You are not alone. Make sure to keep updating your progress, because we care.

Gemar chasima tova.

יהי רצון שהדברים לתועלת

Today I will do what others won't, so tomorrow I can do what others can't.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.
We all make choices in life, but in the end, our choices make us.

Re: My story until now 27 Sep 2020 00:29 #355520

  • YeshivaGuy
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Hey,
Very impressive for you to have come here for help.
It takes a lot to take the first step.
I know the feelings of falling and crashing right before Yom Kippur etc, feeling unworthy etc...
We’re here for you every step of the way.
We won’t give up on You.
Hashem hasn’t given up on You.
So please! Don’t give up on You!

I don’t have advice. But I have a heart that feels and understands you.
And wishes you much Hatzlocha!

With love and hope,

YeshivaGuy

Re: My story until now 27 Sep 2020 01:03 #355526

  • Grant400
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Welcome! You arrived at the right place!

No, this doesn't mean that from here on it will be smooth sailing, it doesn't mean that with all the tricks and tips here it will be a breeze. It means that you are going to be able to be held accountable to a certain extent and that you won't be fighting alone anymore. We will be able to offer tips, chizuk and distribute a kick in the pants if need be.

You sound like a fighter. Someone who hasn't truly let go in a really long time. Kol hakavod! You're going to need every ounce of fight and willpower to overcome this formidable opponent.

With all the tips and chizuk it will all boil down to you. You only. It can help but it will only work if you don't rely on it exclusively. You must realize where your biggest pitfalls are and where you are the most vulnerable and address them. Once confronted with an urge unprepared we are way out of our depth and willpower alone is usually not enough. But, we can use willpower and proper planning to prevent us being in said situations.

Sit down and weigh the pros and cons. Come to a solid and sound conclusion that you really don't want this. That you will have more enjoyment and pleasure not acting out. Create a way to respond to an urge in a proper manner. Use your past experience, browse the forums and ask for advice. The oilam here is superb.

Don't be discouraged by failure. Learn from your mistakes and use them as an education for the future, and post, post, post. I don't know why but it really works wonders.

הצלחה רבה  and a גמר חתימה טובה!

                                    Grant

Re: My story until now 15 Oct 2020 16:26 #356275

  • Lessing
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It's time to update this. 
    I, unfortunately, had a fall last week. I'm sure I could rationalize a bunch of reasons why the circumstances I was in made this happen, but at the end of the day, it's my fault for not guarding myself properly. Also, after the initial fall, I had about two more in the next few days and that brings me to today.
     Now I'm on Day 2 of my clean streak. IyH it'll go on for the rest of my life. I was thinking though that a good would to stay on top of it would update this forum. I don't think I could post every day, but bl''n I'll make frequent updates not letting more than 72 hours pass without updating. And please keep me to my word. If you haven't heard anything from me, please reply and remind me. I know this alone won't be able to solve my issues, but hopefully combining this with other techniques can help me out. 
   Thanks and have a great shabbos,
        Lessing

Re: My story until now 16 Oct 2020 06:17 #356312

  • Yerushalmi
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Welcome to the site!
One piece of advice..
GET A FILTER FOR YOUR COMPUTER!!!
This is an absolute must!  Without this, it is like entering a boxing match with one hand tied behind your back! There is no way to win!!  I was struggling for years, my longest clean streak was 35 days, and it wasn't until I got my internet filtered that I improved more than that.
Even if a filter costs you money, it is money very well spent!

Re: My story until now 18 Oct 2020 17:51 #356388

  • Lessing
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As I said in the last post, I will try to update this within every 72 hours, to be kept accountable. BH, things have been going smoothly. Shabbos was incredible as it always is. No desires have arrived, trying to make me do the wrong thing in this battle. However, that's always how it starts so I must remain vigilant. With the help of Hashem, may we all continue to fight and win our battles in this ענין and in everything we do in life

Re: My story until now 21 Oct 2020 13:43 #356521

  • Lessing
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After 8 days of being clean, I succumbed to my urges. It all started the night after day 5. I was watching a very innocent youtube video when all of a sudden, there was a pretty inappropriate scene. I quickly shut it off and overpowered my urges, but by day 8, the thought was still there. I didn't listen to any of the barriers I set for myself and I lost this struggle with the יצר הרע. I guess I should be proud that I was able to overcome those struggles for a few days, but I'm very disappointed in myself overall. 
    IyH I'll be returning to yeshiva towards the end of the week, and I'll be too busy to act out, and will be surrounded by good people and I can gain the requisite יראת שמים. Always can use good advice though

Re: My story until now 21 Oct 2020 14:38 #356522

  • Dave M
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Lessing wrote on 21 Oct 2020 13:43:
 ....It all started the night after day 5. I was watching a very innocent youtube video when all of a sudden, there was a pretty inappropriate scene. I quickly shut it off and overpowered my urges, but by day 8, the thought was still there....

You identified the trigger right there.  In my experience, it's very common for "innocent" youtube videos to contain inappropriate contents or a link to something bad.  One of the hardest choice I had to make in this fight was giving up watching movies and tv shows.  The less contents I see, the less of a chance something bad will cross my vision.  but I dont regret it for one second.
Last Edit: 21 Oct 2020 14:39 by Dave M.

Re: My story until now 21 Oct 2020 15:26 #356524

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Youtube is a site that unfortunately has caused many to fall. In addition, and excuse my blunt style, exactly how does it happen that an "innocent" video has something inappropriate? The typical movie nowadays has loads of suggestive and arousing material throughout. Typical conversations can be triggering. And let's be honest "lo sasuru acharei einichem" was not said exclusively about pornography. From what you wrote, it appears if not for the youtube incident you would not have fallen. If that is the case buddy, maybe it is time to take the leap and clean up shop that little bit more. Iyh you will not regret it. My apologies if this post is too forward....
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: My story until now 21 Oct 2020 16:30 #356534

  • Grant400
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My friend, I had the same reality check too many times unfortunately. We both know that it wasn't so "innocent". Of course you didn't watch it for that reason but by now we know what will be.

I too took the plunge Dave M. mentioned. Was it hard? Yes. Is it hard? Yes. Is my life easier because of it? Yes! Yes! Yes!

Sometimes the decision is more intimidating than the reality. Deciding not to watch for a while or forever is challenging. But once you take the plunge you will see that the benefits outweigh the sacrifice.

We must stop driving ourselves crazy! We try this, do this, decide something else. We "just" this- that etc. We always end up in the same undesired position. We are constantly "shocked" and "upset". It's time to face reality and stop it. Simply take control of ourselves. The time has come. If not we will have a 40 page thread and 40 year of life to go with it, of constant ups and downs with confidence rising and being smashed. Begging for help and making new resolutions. It's now or never. It's trying vs. actually succeeding.

Ok, so obviously this was all me talking to myself. Because I see what I'm going through and doing in your last post. So any of the frustration was only pointed towards me. The love...to both of us.

Hatzlacha!

                                   Grant

Re: My story until now 21 Oct 2020 17:45 #356535

  • Lessing
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In response to all 3 posts, I know that I have to stop with Youtube. I've told it to myself before, but I'm always drawn back. Instead, I'll try reading or learning when I find myself with downtime. I will say though, that I do believe there are clean videos on youtube and that this one seemed very fine. Unfortunately, there was a 5 second joke made which ruined it all. 
     Either way, I plan to stop with Youtube and other similar forms of entertainment and replace it with other things. Thank you for your support and posts

Re: My story until now 21 Oct 2020 19:43 #356537

Lessing wrote on 21 Oct 2020 17:45:
In response to all 3 posts, I know that I have to stop with Youtube. I've told it to myself before, but I'm always drawn back. Instead, I'll try reading or learning when I find myself with downtime. I will say though, that I do believe there are clean videos on youtube and that this one seemed very fine. Unfortunately, there was a 5 second joke made which ruined it all. 
     Either way, I plan to stop with Youtube and other similar forms of entertainment and replace it with other things. Thank you for your support and posts

Hiya,

If you intend to chill, learning can be a bit of a lofty goal. And the yetzer fights you even harder on that because its not only 'soar merah (turning from bad)' but 'asei tov (doing good)' as well. It may be easier to replace YouTube browsing with another sort of downtime activity - be it exercise, reading like you said, or things like that. This is assuming you already learn somewhat, and need a specific time just to chill.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I'm sure you can find a clean YouTube video. But stay on YouTube long enough, you will get bitten. We've all done / do it. Even videos there purely for entertainment often have immodestly dressed women - not specifically, but just because that's how people dress nowadays. (But also because a pretty girl in skimpy clothing on the thumbnail of a video often attracts millions of views, even if the video is a 'all boys tell jokes around campfire' video.) I'm not preaching, I struggle with this to. I saw a funny clip someone made (I may post it to this site) relating to trouble in this area. It had a caption 'instagram homepage - don't underestimate me!' The point is, often harmless things can easily turn triggers. Just bear it in mind.

All the best. Get right back up and keep on growing.

יהי רצון שהדברים לתועלת

Today I will do what others won't, so tomorrow I can do what others can't.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.
We all make choices in life, but in the end, our choices make us.

Re: My story until now 21 Oct 2020 22:06 #356552

  • Hashem Help Me
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Lessing wrote on 21 Oct 2020 17:45:

     Either way, I plan to stop with Youtube and other similar forms of entertainment and replace it with other things. Thank you for your support and posts

This is the beauty of GYE.  Total strangers are able to be very blunt in their chizuk, advice, and constructive criticism. The level of caring comes through loud and clear, and is therefore accepted.  Thank you Hashem for this place! And thank you to GYE for being there for us!
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: My story until now 23 Oct 2020 04:42 #356600

  • abieham
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Lessing your story is so familiar. You seem motivated so keep it up. I just have one tip for you. In your posts you keep on saying “that’s going to be the last time forever!” GYE has a theory of one day at a time. Take it slow. Today you can be holy. Today you can be careful. I have come to understand that there are two benefits to this mahalach. One that even if you fall you don’t have to fall into a downward streak, stop where you are. We’re not perfect and it’s okay to mess up. Secondly you can push the yh that way and say I’m not going to fall today maybe I’ll do it tomorrow and when tomorrow comes the yh is already weaker and doesn’t have such a strong bite.  Think about it. We want to help you be the best that you can be!

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