I'v been struggling with porn and masturbation for about 8 years now since I was 12 . I considered a very religious gut who learns a lot it yeshiva. I first discovered porn when I go my first smartphone and found some inappropriate pictures and it escalated from their did not know it was a bad thing to do until it was too late I used to watch for hours each day completely addicted and every time tried I failed throughout the years I have gone on clean steaks but each one ending I have got better since the start but I cannot break free I have filters on all my devices but managed to get around them.
please if anyone could help I can not take this anymore and I just want it to stop i fell like i am living a lie and thinking about giving in and giving up judism

I know it's probably hard for you to believe, but most of us here (and there are a lot of us here) have had similar stories, and many have reached even the emotions you are describing.

Hang around here and "get to know" the people. You'll find people who can relate to what you're going through and we'll give you lots of encouragement and good advice. 

Why don't you start by checking out these great free resources:

My favorite book for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Incredibly eye-opening perspective on this challenge.

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

Welcome to the family. You're in the right place.
It's definitely rough, I'm a bochur also. Bein Hazmanim is a real killer. Keep posting and reaching out, there are some phenomenal tzadikim here that can help you.

Another bachur here. The big black hat, shockeling, religious type. You're not alone.

Have you watched the video on the homepage of GYE? Its about you. Or others just like you, who also feel traitors on the inside. GYE is all about breaking free. So you are in the right place.

But what's this nonsense about giving up Judaism? You have one area where you fail, and its all worthless? I don't see anyone saying 'oh, I speak too much loshan hora, better become a goy.' So what's different about this? Remember, for every chazal you find about the severity of this issur, there's a chazal about loshan hora. So why the difference?

Because for these types of averios we feel alone. They are private, and we feel only we do them. If you realized how many people are just like you, you wouldn't feel so bad about it. Sure you have to try and stop, but same with loshan hora. You speak it, feel guilty, tweak something in your plan to stop, and try again.

The takeaway is I feel you are the way I used to be, too nervous, always feeling like a traitor. I don't believe for a second you really want to quit yiddishkiet, just the guilt is getting to much. Don't feel that way. Some regret is healthy, but to beat yourself up isn't. Try and keep clean. When you fall, get up and try again. You'll be fine.

I hope you find your time here inspiring and even fun. Post often, and tell us everything. Because we care.

p.s. Sorry if this was slightly harsh. Just trying to jolt the realization into you that you are not a failure because you have one bad area.

Hey @shomewolf, welcome, you are not alone. Join the tens of thousands who have come here to fight and with Hashem's help you will see success like countless others who have broken free.

It may seem daunting but there is hope. Most of us felt what you are feeling at one point or another, it hurts, it's not fun but don't let this struggle define who you are. The same way we tend to define ourselves by our shortcomings, we must learn to identify ourselves by our accomplishments as well. We have to stop focusing on the area's that we want to be perfect in and focus more on the areas that we actually see success. When we feel successful, we can build on that to areas that are more challenging, but there is nothing the Y"H enjoys more then having us feel like worthless.

Low self worth and low self image is not charatah and the proof is that charatah is supposed to be part of the teshuva process and low self image usually results in us steeping further into our struggles.

Either way, keep us posted, I would love to hear from you and help if I can. You should know that there are many wise and knowledgeable people here that are happy to help and shed some light on many areas, feel free to ask any questions that you may have.

Most of all, do not despair. Never give up! Ever! That's all that really counts.

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

shomewolf wrote on 29 Sep 2020 21:31:

Shlomo Hamelech's maxim that "Seven times does the righteous one fall and get up" (Mishlei, 24:16) does not mean that "even after falling seven times, the righteous one manages to gets up again." What it really means, is that it is only and precisely through repeated falls that a person truly achieves righteousness. The struggles – even the failures – are inherent elements of what can, with determination and perseverance, become an ultimate victory.

You might be asking: Is there ever any hope? Will I really ever be able to change, to get sober, and be sober for any length of time? There are so many tests in our life, how can I possibly pass them? Well, my holy brothers and sisters, the answer is YOU CAN PASS THE TESTS OF LIFE - and that you have it right inside yourself to do so! Don't forget that, in fact, as a son/daughter of Avraham Avinu - YOU HAVE THE "SPIRITUAL DNA" TO PASS ANY AND ALL TESTS!

This is the test of life: not to be strong and fight valiantly. But to recognize we can't, and instead TRUST that Hashem will do it for us. As the pasuk in Tehillim says:

  לא בגבורת הסוס יחפץ, לא בשוקי האיש ירצה... רוצה ה' את יראיו
את המייחלים לחסדו

All I can say is that if I can get sober, anyone can. I have over 8 years sobriety now and I was once in hell, doing things much worse than looking at porn.  I reached rock bottom and nearly lost everything but Hashem saved me. He saved me because I took action.  Get a sponsor, throw yourself into the program, and you'll break free!