I haven't posted about myself for a while.
First I've come to realize that I don't have an addiction. What seemed to me as an addiction is really a very deeply ingrained bad habit. I mean having a tendency to seek enjoyment or a soother/relax from porn/inappropriate images and/or masturbation is just that, a tendency. It's not even like addiction to a coffee in the morning that I can't manage without (my head will hurt and I can't think at the same capacity without the coffee). Just because the urges are so strong that they drive me nuts doesn't mean that I'm addicted.
My urges are sometimes so strong that I feel like pulling the hair out of my head literally without exaggeration, or grinding my teeth, grunting, feeling like I don't know what to do with myself.
I now think this is still in the realm of normalcy.
Can anyone share any insight/experience on this?

Hi US,
Let me share a bit about myself, 
I have been addicted for a very long time before i got married and after as well. 
Every time i tried telling my wife that we need filter, she didnt understand as well. But i persisted and eventually we got the strongest filters and we both got rid of our smartphones. 
If you really want it and you will have BH a great marriage then you can explain it very nicely that it has nothing with trusting her, its just that a Yidishe home cannot be open to the dirtiest garbage in the world and it was asared by all the rabanim s it really has nothing to do with her And being a erlich yid requires sacrifices. 

Mazel tov and good luck

First mazel tov, Wishing you a happy marriage.
As a recovering porn addict I can share some experience, so you should have what to share with your future wife.
Porn is the biggest destroyer for love marriage and intimacy!
​Your wife hasn't yet watched porn, so she might not understand the problem with it.
You get so hooked up to porn that your future wife wont satisfy you. Your wife will become Nida every month, then comes pregnancy's, then birth's but porn is available 24/7.
Is she ready to act in the bedroom exactly how the porn stars act ? So why does she want you to watch porn?

​I would advice you to have separate devices and you put filters on your devices.
Not easy at all

1084 wrote on 17 Mar 2023 21:32:

Well I’d it counts I can attest that checking out my wife even when she’s not in the mood is always a gift from Hashem 

I have trained my self to look at her as the ideal perfection of what God intended when he created woman. In pajamas, sleeping on the couch, etc. definitely get lots of enjoyment from that, and you will too when it’s your time chabibi

Hi, I wanted to share something that was bothering me:

First, as an introduction - I’m single, 32 (in shidduchim), I would probably classify myself in the “prevention” stage as BH I never really had a nisoyon with P - not to say that Shmiras einayim isn’t a struggle, it just never got to that point… with good filters, gedarim, a lot of vigilance and a lot of S”D.

Although M is a nisayon, I don’t know if and how I would classify it as an “addiction”. until I was introduced to GYE, my average was 3-4 times a week, give or take, sometimes better and sometimes worse. Most of the nisayon was limited to before I went to sleep. The nisayon rarely affected me at other times.

The thing that bothers me is that being single, In shidduchim, I’m craving intimacy and a healthy intimate relationship - even though P isn’t a nisayon, but turning away in the street or wherever can feel like murder sometimes. I usually do overcome the nisayon - but it can really hurt. The pain is the feeling of being deprived, of not having pas bisalo and not having any means or expression in this inyan in a healthy and permitted way.

(As a side note I’ll add… a few years ago I started a shmiras Einayim project with myself, that every time I turn away I give myself a little “check” and keep track in a notebook how many times each day I was omed binasayon. So far it’s been 5+ years and I have accumulated over 20,000 ✔︎’s… If you do the math it’s about 10 a day)

One of the pieces of chizuk I use to try to strengthen myself is a piece from the steipler:

“כי כל ההנאות שהאדם נמנע מהם מפני כבוד שמים משתלם לו ממקום אחר בהיתר בהמשך הזמן.“

That any forbidden pleasure a person gives up for the sake of Hashem, he will end up getting back that very same pleasure in a permissible manner over time.

My question to my fellow GYE members, can anyone say from personal experience that this is indeed true?

Because I’m still single and I don’t have pas bisalo, each nisayon can feel unbearable at times…

I wanna feel like all the mesirus nefesh I’m putting in is gonna pay significant and substantial dividends in the end… but sometimes I doubt how and when that’s gonna happen.

Any chizuk?

Hi, I wanted to share something that was bothering me:

First, as an introduction - I’m single, 32 (in shidduchim), I would probably classify myself in the “prevention” stage as BH I never really had a nisoyon with P - not to say that Shmiras einayim isn’t a struggle, it just never got to that point… with good filters, gedarim, a lot of vigilance and a lot of S”D.

Although M is a nisayon, I don’t know if and how I would classify it as an “addiction”. until I was introduced to GYE, my average was 3-4 times a week, give or take, sometimes better and sometimes worse. Most of the nisayon was limited to before I went to sleep. The nisayon rarely affected me at other times.

The thing that bothers me is that being single, In shidduchim, I’m craving intimacy and a healthy intimate relationship - even though P isn’t a nisayon, but turning away in the street or wherever can feel like murder sometimes. I usually do overcome the nisayon - but it can really hurt. The pain is the feeling of being deprived, of not having pas bisalo and not having any means or expression in this inyan in a healthy and permitted way.

(As a side note I’ll add… a few years ago I started a shmiras Einayim project with myself, that every time I turn away I give myself a little “check” and keep track in a notebook how many times each day I was omed binasayon. So far it’s been 5+ years and I have accumulated over 20,000 ✔︎’s… If you do the math it’s about 10 a day)

One of the pieces of chizuk I use to try to strengthen myself is a piece from the steipler:

“כי כל ההנאות שהאדם נמנע מהם מפני כבוד שמים משתלם לו ממקום אחר בהיתר בהמשך הזמן.“

That any forbidden pleasure a person gives up for the sake of Hashem, he will end up getting back that very same pleasure in a permissible manner over time.

My question to my fellow GYE members, can anyone say from personal experience that this is indeed true?

Because I’m still single and I don’t have pas bisalo, each nisayon can feel unbearable at times…

I wanna feel like all the mesirus nefesh I’m putting in is gonna pay significant and substantial dividends in the end… but sometimes I doubt how and when that’s gonna happen.

Any chizuk?

Ok, so the therapist doesn't think I'm a straight up addict. He suggested I get more involved on here (as if that were possible ) and maybe join the 12 step phone calls with Dov. I think I'm gonna look into that.

I still didn't write my contract, keep pushing it off. I feel like I'm also procrastinating about doing it cause I'm afraid it's gonna be a flop.

Anyways that's the story,
OivedElokim

yehudi1 wrote on 15 Mar 2023 17:34:

Good question,
In short, I don't think Chazal spoke to men who watched porn or was addicted to masturbation.
Our brain desires and is hungry way more than a normal man.
Yes, shalom beis is a big game changer and having a good pleasing wife can also help, but sometimes it makes the even worse.  

Lets not forget that less = more

Hi ST,
im sorry for your pain. I think most of us can relate to being in some sort of emotional pain. I definitely can relate. I was in a lot of pain and sometimes still am. Check my post of perfectionism for a glance……
Anyhow, you are allowed to be in pain it’s just natural. What you need to decide right now is will you let the pain ruin your life either by escaping with bad things or by wallowing in the pain and being angry that you can’t escape by doing bad things? 
Or will you acknowledge that you are in pain and it’s valid and you are human, BUT, you are a grown Yid and you are worth more then the whole worth can calculate! And you have self respect as evidenced by your fight to win this battle and you are a good person! We can see all of that! Why can’t you! Give yourself a hug and tell yourself that it’s ok to feel pain but it’s time to move on and not wallow in it. 
Go for a run or do something intense every time you feel like this, it’ll give your brain lots of feel good hormones that will replace the addictive part of your brain that used to run away to garbage. 


Good luck brother!

monseyyid41 wrote on 15 Mar 2023 04:32:

Wow. That's a lot you were carrying around for so long. I'm sorry. I'm so happy you joined our family here. We care about you and we want to hear anything you'd like to share. My friend, with all that challenged you for so many years, and specifically your Yom Kippur challenges, realize how amazing you are to be the person you are today. While most of us were kvelling from Yom Kippur, and we left it on a high, convinced of the forgiveness we were granted, you left feeling crushed, forlorn, and rejected. I can speak for myself when I say that Yom Kippur is always a day I look forward to because I know I need so much forgiveness from Hashem. And in spite of your challenges, you built yourself up, you are in chinuch, raising a beautiful family, my friend, you are amazing! Keep sharing and keep trucking!

yehudi1 wrote on 15 Mar 2023 17:34:

In my case the addiction lead to the breakdown in shalom bayis and ultimately the marriage

Dov is excellent in helping determine if one is an addict. Maybe reach out to him.

yehudi1 wrote on 15 Mar 2023 17:34:

Marriage is a shmirah for a man from sinning but it does not heal addiction...
As Rabbi Twerski Z"L famously said:
"It is important to know that an addiction is under control before considering marriage. Marriage is not a hospital and does not cure addiction, and continuation of the addiction is likely to ruin a marriage."

I'm pretty much addicted to the computer even without the superpowered draw of P. Clicking here, clicking there. News, social media and now GYE. I don't feel that the best time to really deal with this is now. I want to first get (IY'H!) to 90 days with PM and weed. Then once it will have become more of a habit to stay away from this things, with Hashem's help, and with the support of the wonderful people here (special shout out to HHM, Eerie, Vehkam, Chancy, Yosef Hatzadik, JackTheJew and everyone else who has participated in my journey so far) I want to really work on my computer usage. Get off of constantly checking the news and twitter and linkedin. And stop watching youtube videos. And stop watching movies. But l'at l'at.

But besides for dealing with the internet addiction in general, I do need to establish some boundaries now, because this stuff is distracting me at work which a) is not fair to my employer, and b) leaves me feeling bad about myself. So for today I'd like to commit to not checking my personal email, my GYE associated email, GYE, news or social media during the hours which I'm working. And then after that it'll be "mutar". I need to at least get some handle on it. Its not an excuse to say I'm working on other things so I'll just take no responsibility in this area. So Iy'h later today after I have finished working, or at least my first chunk of working hours, I'll come back here and say that with Hashem's help I controlled myself and was more productive. And if I don't succeed, I'll also post about that, about why not, and what I can do differently tomorrow.

Before I go - this morning I took a taxi to drop off my kid. The driver was kind of rude. He first tried to rip me off by suggesting a too high price, and then when I said "no, moneh" he responded "ma zeh moneh". Then he was rude about how I closed the door. When this kind of thing happens I tend to get angry and hurt. I definitely feel those emotions bubbling up inside. I would really like to not feel those things, what do I care if this guy is a jerk, it has nothing to do with me. But the fact is I do feel these things. In spite of this, I am comitted to not letting it get me down. Ok, so i got a little upset. I feel a little fire inside. It's possible the YH will try to use that fire to get me heated up in other ways too. I'm ready for you YH. If you try and tell me that that will make me feel better, or Hashem will understand, or any of your other brilliant advice, I see it coming. If I start having a tayva for garbage, I already know it's you

In my initial introduction I didn’t actually post my story because I was a little bit hesitant to publicize it but after being part of this wonderful group of Bnei Aliyah for some time now, I feel like I can open up to you. Since I was 13 I have been struggling with SSA. It was, and is, a long and painful struggle. All through high school, I was in agony from having to be around other boys whom I felt attracted to. I struggled to control my urges, while being constantly fearful that someone would find out. This is something that I feel is so difficult to explain to others who haven't experienced this (even as they have their own struggles). How do I explain what it means to not be able to daven properly in yeshiva or shul because I'm fighting the urge to look at other boys rolling up their sleeves to put their Tefillin on? Or what it means to go into Yom Kippur after a challenging year, trying to get a new start and to come to a real Teshuva, but I can’t go to the Mikvah Erev Yom Kippur and come out with that feeling of purity and Kedusha because I know that for me it would just be a Mitzvah Haba B’aveira? And at the same time, I also had a strong and healthy regular Y”H for women, so it’s not like I got a break when I went out into the street. And yet, at the same time, I realize that just because my struggle is different, doesn't mean it is harder than what anyone else is going through.

Anyhow, back to my story. The agony of SSA included not being able to have (or keep) regular friendships with boys my age because the boys who I naturally liked, I was also physically attracted to and the boys who I didn't feel attracted to (not so good looking), I also didn't like them or want to be friends with them. I actually had a really close friend in high school who abruptly distanced himself from me. I must have gotten too physically touchy or something and he sensed that something wasn't quite right. Although he was nice enough not to confront me, it was a really hard blow for me. I didn't really have many other friends. I actually ended up switching yeshivas because of that.

Skipping ahead a few years, my Rosh Yeshiva convinced me to go to therapy, not just for SSA specifically, but also because I was struggling with depression. That's when things got really bad. In the beginning it did help a little bit, but then, the therapist (a supposedly religious Jew) advised me to look at porn as a way to channel my sexual feeling towards women and hopefully that would diminish my attraction towards males. Big mistake. Not only didn't it work, but at that point I lost any kind of sensitivity to the Issur of Arayos and everything became Muttar. Since at the time I was doing it, he convinced me that it was actually a Mitzvah, to help me deal with my SSA. Although I stopped seeing him shortly after, I was damaged for life. I don't remember if that was the first time I looked at porn, but from that point on it became totally acceptable for me (like the Gemarrah in Kiddushin says). It also made me resistant to therapy in future years, even though I desperately could have used competent and healthy therapy.

Shortly after this, I went to learn in Eretz Yisrael and those two years were the best of my life. My learning took off to a whole new level, and I was able to gain a confidence and self-esteem that I had never had before. However, the Yetzer Hara wasn’t exactly taking a vacation. Towards the end of my stay, I got involved with another bochur. It actually happened quite suddenly, and the other boy initiated it. But I didn’t resist and this led to my first (and only) sexual encounter (B”h we stopped short of actual Kareis). Shortly after, I returned to America, got married and today I am happily married with children be”h. However, the struggle continues and these days, when I fall, it is usually with gay teen porn or with milder stuff on youtube. My attraction to women is still there, but it seems not as strong as my SSA. Thankfully, I don’t think I’m addicted, just someone who struggles from time to time. After my marriage, I had gone a few years without any falls, and then, more recently, in the last couple of years I sort of got into a pattern where I would go from Elul until after sukkos really strong, sometimes until after Channukah, before falling again. And then the rest of the year it would be a few time here and a few times there, until Rosh chodesh Elul came again. But my goal is to stop the up and down, on again off again cycle, and just be clean and stay clean and then hopefully I can come to the next Yom Kippur as a full Baal Teshuva.