Hi, I wanted to share something that was bothering me:

First, as an introduction - I’m single, 32 (in shidduchim), I would probably classify myself in the “prevention” stage as BH I never really had a nisoyon with P - not to say that Shmiras einayim isn’t a struggle, it just never got to that point… with good filters, gedarim, a lot of vigilance and a lot of S”D.

Although M is a nisayon, I don’t know if and how I would classify it as an “addiction”. until I was introduced to GYE, my average was 3-4 times a week, give or take, sometimes better and sometimes worse. Most of the nisayon was limited to before I went to sleep. The nisayon rarely affected me at other times.

The thing that bothers me is that being single, In shidduchim, I’m craving intimacy and a healthy intimate relationship - even though P isn’t a nisayon, but turning away in the street or wherever can feel like murder sometimes. I usually do overcome the nisayon - but it can really hurt. The pain is the feeling of being deprived, of not having pas bisalo and not having any means or expression in this inyan in a healthy and permitted way.

(As a side note I’ll add… a few years ago I started a shmiras Einayim project with myself, that every time I turn away I give myself a little “check” and keep track in a notebook how many times each day I was omed binasayon. So far it’s been 5+ years and I have accumulated over 20,000 ✔︎’s… If you do the math it’s about 10 a day)

One of the pieces of chizuk I use to try to strengthen myself is a piece from the steipler:

“כי כל ההנאות שהאדם נמנע מהם מפני כבוד שמים משתלם לו ממקום אחר בהיתר בהמשך הזמן.“

That any forbidden pleasure a person gives up for the sake of Hashem, he will end up getting back that very same pleasure in a permissible manner over time.

My question to my fellow GYE members, can anyone say from personal experience that this is indeed true?

Because I’m still single and I don’t have pas bisalo, each nisayon can feel unbearable at times…

I wanna feel like all the mesirus nefesh I’m putting in is gonna pay significant and substantial dividends in the end… but sometimes I doubt how and when that’s gonna happen.

Any chizuk?

My friend, can I give you a hug? You are an unreal hero, I love that thing with the check system! Halevai I could say I never saw things you have never seen, you are a real inspiration! Tens of thousands of checks, WOW!
As far as your question of receiving the replacement of whatever we sacrifice for Hashem and in the keeping of the Torah, in most things I'd assume it means that if let's say a person had a chance to earn money through forbidden ways, and he held back, he need not worry because he will receive the money or it's equivalent in some other place, b'heter. Maybe some people can tell us stories where it happened to them, I can't think of any at the moment.
But when it comes to your nisayoin of shemiras einayim, I think you'll be paid מיניה וביה and it is בהכרח that you will receive the hana'a you gave up. Because you say " I’m craving intimacy and a healthy intimate relationship", which I understand to mean that you are looking to deeply connect to the other half of your neshama, and may Hashem help you find her soon! Now, we are wired to seek our better half, and we are wired to seek it on the other side of the mechitza, because your neshama knows that it is there and all the systems get that message. Now, you have a nisayoin to look there and see women that are not your better half, and you will never have a deep, meaningful relationship with them, but your nisayoin is fueled by the deep desire to find that special person. So realize that looking there, although it is being pushed by the desire for a close, true, meaningful relationship, will only make that relationship less meaningful. Because when you end up looking at women just to see their beauty etc. you lose the focus of what you are looking for, which is a deep meaningful relationship. By holding back from looking at women you are undoubtedly and b'hechrech improving your marriage, because now you will view your wife as you should, not as an object that brings pleasure, but as a person that is meaningful to you for life. 
Wishing you tons of Hatzlacha in finding the special one soon!

Hi, I think maybe 1084 means, based on my own feelings sometimes, there is pain in seeing other couples acting intimate, friendly and loving to each other. That loneliness felt when exposed to others' closeness can be very very painful.
You are amazing! Yes, you will be repaid for every time you don't look! Much Hatzlacha and may you merit to see it soon!

​In a practical way, by you staying clean, it will automatically benefit you and your wife in your relationship together, because you will be less poisoned by watching lies and visual drugs feeding false concepts...

1084 wrote on 17 Mar 2023 21:32:

Well I’d it counts I can attest that checking out my wife even when she’s not in the mood is always a gift from Hashem 

I have trained my self to look at her as the ideal perfection of what God intended when he created woman. In pajamas, sleeping on the couch, etc. definitely get lots of enjoyment from that, and you will too when it’s your time chabibi

I want to add one thought I would sometimes keep in mind when I was single. 

When you do find the right one and get married, BeH soon, she will be a fit for you, on the madrega you are on.

So whatever you do now affects her. If you are strong and overcome a hard challenge, you become better and she in tandem also comes better.

Whether it is quantum physics with two halves of a whole mirroring each other, or that you are switching your destined wife to be someone in a higher level, it is not relevant. 

Sometimes couples can go over their history and see that they match up throughout the years, with similar challenges, strengths and victories etc.

I wish you hatzlacha and Bracha in everything! You're check system sounds amazing!

Hi 1084 ( I would love to learn the meaning on this number....)
Yes, i can attest that this g'mara is meant to be understood literally! 
I have had issues in this area for a very long time P, M and all letters in between...... But i have no given up and fought and still fight like heck. 
​And I have seen myself grown tremandously as a result of that. Sometimes i get a feeling at davening which is sweater then anything this world can offer, sometimes at krias shma i am actually ready to let myself by burned at the steak for Hashem! I would cry out of love for Him. 
This past kol nidra i was in such a place i cant describe it, i felt weightless and such pleasure. I would pay a billion dollars to feel that now!!!
Of course its not always or there would be no nisoyan anymore, and with time you need to work more and mroe to keep climbing, but in general its 100% true that the more you give up other pleasures you will feel more spiritual pleasure. You are allowed to do it for this reason. You can say next time you turn away "Please Hashem, im turning away from something that can give me great pleasure, im begging you, please let me feel some spiritual pleasure when davening or saying krias shema or in Shabbos". 
Try this a few times, but please report back to all the yiden here what you did and what you felt afterward. 

Behold the days are coming declares HASHEM when I will send a famine on the land not a famine of bread nor a thirst for water but of hearing the words of the HASHEM

p.s. nothing mystical or esoteric about the number 1084, it's just the gematria of my name

I guess while we're on the subject I'll mention the following...

I actually do daven a lot to Hashem after I'm Omed Binisayon... but I usually daven for whatever's on my mind at the time. of the things that I can remember specifically davening for:

​1. Hashem, help me believe in the Koach Hatefilla
2. help me find my bashert asap
3. Hashem, help me trust You
4. help me feel how much you love me.
​5. Help me see You in a positive light

​another thing I'll point out: the above quote from the steipler is not a Gemara. it's in his Sefer Kraina Di'igrisa. and also the implication of the quote is that the "return on investment" will davka be in the very same inyan of the nisayon. so it would seem that mesiras Nefesh in kedusha should/would have a direct positive impact on ones marriage and intimacy...

Sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself…

I’m single in shidduchim, and not having Pas Bisalo is sooo hard!!! I’m deeply craving intimacy and I feel so terribly deprived.

BH BH P is not a nisayon. And for the most part my shmiras Einayaim in day to day life is pretty shtark… but emotionally, not having intimacy… it’s so so difficult.

I daven so hard, I daven so much. I cry and beg Hashem to help me find my shidduch - but to no avail.

What am I to do?

Sometimes I get angry at Hashem. I don’t want to, but sometimes I feel like I can’t tolerate this anymore. “Sigh”…

How could I not lose hope?

Please help!

My friend, reach out to a trusted friend for a hug. Here we can give you virtual ones, but a real one goes a long way. It shows caring and empathy. Maybe there is noone that can give you a plan for the future, maybe there's no one that can give you practical advice, but there are definitely people that can give you a hug. Let us know how you are, my friend. We care about you and we want to hear.

Dear 1084 ( I do hope that you can come up with a g'matria for that....)
Sometimes Hashem wants us to kneel before him and do nothing but accept whatever is happening. 
We must belove that everything He does is for the best, not always is it immediately clear why, and sometimes we dont know in this world at all why we had to go thru some struggles, but we must believe that its for the greater good. 
Why? because He is the ultimate good and He doesnt do anything bad. Sometimes we need a cleansing and this is the way we are getting cleansed. We cant possibly know His calculations! Just start counting how big the KNOWN universe is.... you will break your head and your computer...... and thats only the part of עולם העשיה thats known to us! There are parts much greater that the whole known universe in the unknown part of that oilem.
Who is even talking or the other higher realms? Its literally mind boggling..... my point is that its impossible for us to comprehend His will. 
Sometimes He just wants us to say "Hashem, I know that everything you do is for the good and only the good, I trust you to take care of me and that you will not forsake me, I know that You love me more that I can understand, and I accept the pain that im in".

Reb Nachmen of Breslov used to say "There is no despair in the world at all". Because Hashem is constantly creating this world so everything and anything can change with the blink of an eye. 

@1084

Be easy on yourself.

Being in Shiduchim is hard.

It can bring highs and lows.

The hope that the next introduction is "The one", the low after you realise they are not.

Or sometimes, that can be relief too.

I recently thought I had met "The one".
But she was not keen on me, so nothing happened.

It has made me wobble and stumble and I feel low and crave intimacy and physical pleasure.

I just have to accept that there are reasons she was not for me, and that I cannot see those reasons right now.  Perhaps I never will.

Perhaps her rejecting me is a test in itself?

But I have to believe that Gam Zu L' Tova.

1084 wrote on 24 Mar 2023 04:00:

I'm in shidduchim aswell.
My experience has been frustrating for reasons that i wont mention here.

I don't know the right answer...I'm sure you will read the previous responses as they will be a lot more helpful than my post....

Just wanted say that your not alone and Bez"h before you know it, you will be under your chuppa. 
All the best!

Zedj wrote on 28 Mar 2023 04:18:

I’m holding exactly as what he said.. Bhatzlacha you got to keep at it with gishmak, and soon bzh you will get there