baalhaboss wrote on 17 Apr 2025 22:08:

There are trained sex addiction therapists who specialize in helping you understand yourself and helping you learn how to prevent such behaviors.  Since you can afford such therapy it will probably be the best money you ever spent.   It is hard to get in to the top therapists but perseverance will pay off.  Feel free to send me a message if you want more information on this.  Wishing you tremendous hatzlocha 

vehkam

Hi, just want to say welcome and offer a warm and loving hug! I also felt very disgusted with myself when I first joined but B"H have come a long way. I feel like I don't have a good enough picture of your situation in order to offer any advice other than to echo what others here have wrote, reach out to HHM and talk to him, allow him to get a better idea of your situation and hopefully he can guide you. 
Some things to think about which may be helpful:
You mentioned that you were never MZL, and that you twice visited a male pros. but also that you did struggle with P and M. it would be good to get a better idea of your overall history with struggling with lust and generally escape methods. Are you often lusting and objectifying men and women? When was the last time you found yourself unable to stop watching P and masturbating? What were some of the things which led to visiting this pros? and how quickly did it escalate?
I apologize if these questions are hurtful to think about, I believe they will be helpful to you to be able to share with whomever you talk to for guidance (whether HHM or a trained sex addiction therapist).
Lastly, you are not a bad person because of this, you sound like a wonderful person who struggles in this area which has a lot of shame attached to it, but you want to do better, which is basically the point of life, to do better. So in my book you are a good person!
Hatzlachah feel free to reach out and look around the forums to see other peoples miraculous journeys.

still have a cold, it really knocks me out. Haven't had much time to think since posting last night, but some self introspection: I should try to take some time to read newcomers posts and respond, a key part of recovery is helping others so I can't just get away with posting on my thread, and keeping in touch with the group of guys I'm already contacting, I have to continue to reach out to the new guys which is hard for me just to find the time to do it.
After my last fall, where I found a way around the filter on compter to access inappropriate materials I had my wife put a password on the computer so I couldn't use it without her. I'm thinking of taking that off, it was good to do right afterr a fall so I didn't continue falling and spiral back into active addiction, but as I posted about before I don't think it's healthy for me not to have free choice when it comes to movies even if some do contain nonkosherness. I know this sounds a bit off and I wouldn't quickly advice others to do this, I just feel that for me where I am right now it would be positive. Anyway its not really nogeiah until after the chag.
I had started to write up everything I had learned over the years about this struggle but fell out of it once I couldn't use my computer. I hope to find time to get back to that and hopefully share some of it on here.

I'm not sure why but today I have been getting some stronger urges than usual. No triggers needed, just getting urges. Could be because I am on break and am pushing off the work I am supposed to be doing.

Baruch Hashem loneliness isn't hitting hard after seeing married friends and family. I think this is because of my decision to start shidduchim soon and knowing that Bezras Hashem I am not too far away from finding my wife, and building a deep emotional relationship, all the bumps included but hopefully not alot.

Also just a side note, I am officially over one year free of masturbation.
366 days of no masturbation
about 470 days of no pornography
One Day At A Time!!

My main motivators are:
1) To have the ability to have a deep and intimate relationship with my future wife. 
     If you are new here you may think that marriage is a cure all or that married men have it easier than us singles. Ill try to explain my way I think about this because its not so simple.
    First, what is sex? We are given a false perception of what sex really is from the porn industry. Sex is actually a very kadosh thing. It is one of the deepest ad most intimate acts that can take place in the world. Sex is not wrong, but it can be used and done in a twisted and wrong way. Using porn or even using our wives in a "mutar" way to fill our pleasure is definitely not the right thing. To use ones wife to solely fill their own pleasure is to treat her like an object that is only meant for sex. So again if its not solely for our pleasure then what is it? It is the culmination of love that we have for our wives on a day to day basis, and love is created by intimacy.

    Intimacy is our day to day interactions we have with our wives, the small gestures of love that have nothing to do with sex and all to do with being a part of a team. Two people that come together and create a deep and meaningful connection. This connection creates a desire to be close with this person, and in turn sex in marriage is the culmination of this closeness. It is the sole most selfless and trusting act of a woman to be with her husband. It is a treasure that should not be taken and used in a corrupted way. It should be used as a way to give and show your appreciation, love, and trust. And from this comes a family.

    Now you may say to yourself "What does it make the difference if I use it for my own pleasure?". Well, here's how detrimental it is. Women are usually way more emotionally in tune than men, and sex is a very different experience for them. This is where the porn industry thrive on giving us this false perception that women "enjoy" the terrible things done to them, and really these people are high and miserable. Just like how the Hollywood actors are know to be miserable, the porn industry is worse. It debases them and takes away their humanity. It corrupts reality.

    Also if a man is using porn and other forms of lust then they have issues with how they deal with their emotions and also how they interact in their relationships with their friends, family, and really anyone. We tend to find porn and masturbation as a sort of comfort or number from our emotions. This numbs our senses and makes things easier to deal with in the moment. The problem with this is that it hasn't dealt with the cause of these emotions, like stress, anxiety, depression...etc. It only held them off until the next time, only the next time will be worse and need a higher dose of numbing to cope because nothing is dealt with but everything is still there. This is the familiar cycle of lust. 

    Now what does that have to do with how we interact in or relationships? Well I am sure you know the feeling of fear of being found out, maybe lack of self worth for feeling like a fraud, the terrible feeling of knowing what you do is wrong yet still going after it because you have no control, and the many more things we feel and know. These things cause us to live two lives or how I like to phrase it as two half lives. We cant live fully as our true self because we feel all these things, and in our relationships we know this and it causes us to not invest ourselves in others. We know that if the other person truly knew what we did that they would never look at us the same way again or never look at us again at all. We cant be invested in our relationships because we don't think we deserve to, we are trying to protect the other person from who we think we truly are, we keep ourselves private so that they can never find out what lurks inside. The way we live in reality blocks us from truly living.

    A woman will intuitively know that her husband is not there with them on the emotional level that they need and this will cause a rift in the husbands and wifes intimate relationship. This rift may not be noticeable to a husband that is deep addicted to lust and using his wife because he may not be as emotionally in tune. But this will definitely be noticed by the wife on a base level. This rift is also noticed by children because they need that connection from their father even if they don't show it. To be there truly for ones child is the biggest gift in the whole world for a child, and being stuck in lust causes us to be distant.
And that is my second motivator:
2) To be the best father that I can be for my future family.

3) Being in control of my mind
This past year and really the past 470+ days have been the most rigorous and difficult of my life. But they've also been the most fulfilling because I have learnt that life is way more enjoyable as a whole without porn and masturbation. The fact that I am in control of myself makes life so much better. Theres no more of the cycle of an unbearable emotion, porn, masturbation, instant pleasure, regret, shame, guilt... etc. There's no more of the brain being clogged by fantasies all the time (there are still the occasional fantasy, but with time, they are easier to deal with). I can walk down the street and not be looking everywhere and fantasizing all the time. I can have a normal conversation with a woman without having to force myself to be in control because I already am.

4) Respecting a fellow human (deobjectifying)
    Women are people too. When we fantasize about them then that takes away their humanity and turns them into an object for our pleasure. The classic counter to this is that "they already disrespect/deobjectify themselves so why should I respect them or not objectify them?". This way of thinking is flawed. Its basically saying "If that person is robbing and killing, then why shouldn't I". Why would you want to degrade yourself to that level? Do you have no self respect?  
    Another approach to this which is along the same lines is that our goal may not be to respect/deobjectify those people, but the only way for us to change for the people that matter, like our wives, daughters, mothers, and sisters, is to respect/deobjectify the people that don't seem to respect or try to deobjectify themselves.
Also, I believe that most women cant grasp this struggle that men have, so giving them the benefit of the doubt, we can't blame them for our problems. Blaming others for our problems, even if they aren't making it easier, just makes it harder for us to solve the issue and live peacefully. 

5) Life is so much better
Over time the urges arent as common, fantasies dont pop up all the time, and we start to live as our true selves, not the half lives we were living before.


Theres way more to say and way more to explain. If anyone has problems or questions about what I have said please let me know. The only way I have come to these conclusions and thoughts is by talking with people like HHM and Dov, listening to Dov's talks in the GYE audio library, talking with other GYE members via chat system or on the forum, and most importantly by fighting this challenge One Day At A Time with Hashems help.

Each Day is a different challenge that we cant know how it will be. We can only prepare ourselves for the future by focusing on bettering ourselves in the present. Kinda like a 3 day yom tov .
Jokes aside, it takes each day one at a time.


Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

In my opinion It will probably not go away over time. A good therapist- preferably one that specializes in sex addiction- should be very helpful. Many of these fetishes are related to a deep rooted shame that became eroticized as a coping mechanism. Working through this can be very empowering.

benporasyosef wrote on 09 Apr 2025 16:48:

Shalom Brother,

If you look in the Tzitzis Dude's signature, you will find the following quote:

“Pornography is a bad answer to a good question”
-R’ Daniel Kalish

***************
This is from the Flight to Freedom program on GYE. Maybe worth checking it out?The Hidden Truth About Addiction

Here's something that might change how you think about this struggle: For most people, pornography is not the problem—it's the solution.

What does this mean? Pornography becomes a pacifier for uncomfortable feelings we don't know how to handle properly. It soothes momentarily but solves nothing, and later makes you feel even worse.

***************

Yasher Koach on the wins and KOMT!!!

chosemyshem wrote on 08 Apr 2025 18:18:

Thanks for your kind words… as of Rosh Chodesh Nissan that has been the attitude I am trying to go with, use this situation to get closer to Hashem. Honestly some days it feels good, some days when anxiety kicks in I go back into my negative talk.

As for the addiction part that started for no fault of my own, I have shed many tears thinking about what ifs….. what if this didn’t happen, what if this rasha wasn’t in my life, how my life would have been different, how my teenage years would have been different without worrying about my next “dose”. For some time I used it as a rationale to keep doing what felt good, telling myself I didn’t ask for this, that I can’t be punished for something that was forced on me, but of course we can’t use that. I know I have to take responsibility at this stage and fight until the end.

Welcome! 

Yasher koach for unloading. Sounds like quite a burden you've been shlepping around.

Here's a perspective shift you can try on and see how it feels. Maybe Hashem is limiting your parnasah to give you a chance to come closer to Him, not to punish you for your sins?

Or this one. Maybe you're not such a rasha for struggling with an addiction that was instigated through no fault of your own (literally statutory rape in this case)? Maybe on some level you are more of a tzaddik for keeping on fighting than you are a rasha for losing the battle (but never the war)?

Stick around, post, connect, join a vaad, read the book, get honest, and above all, keep on truckin'!!

apashuteyid wrote on 08 Apr 2025 16:30:

My friend, my heart hurts for you, reading and feeling your deep pain!
I bolded a few parts of your post, tryin' to bring out a discrepancy in your words.
I think it is important to think about if you truly want to be clean or not.

Either way...
Welcome to the warmest family in the world!

Here you will find true care, concern, and warmth.
Here you will learn that you CAN break free!
As you probably know, there are many tools here to help you in this fight. 
There is the F2F Program, the Vaad Program (click here for an explanation of what the vaad is), and the book The Battle of the Generation - many have found this very helpful in reframin' the struggle, as you mentioned.
Posting is a great way to connect, learn, and grow also. 
(The Hall of Fame Thread is a great compilation of some the great threads on GYE.)

There is also an extremely powerful tool of accountability, friends, and mentors, as has been mentioned, that has helped hundreds - myself included.
HHM - Hashem Help Me - is the mentor-in-chief around here. He's reachable at michelgelner@gmail.com.
Some of the other great guys here are Eerie - 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com, Muttel - muttel15@gmail.com,   Reb Akiva - mevakesh247@gmail.com iwantlife - iwantlifegye@proton.me minhamayim - minhamayim1@gmail.com amevakesh - amevakesh23@gmail.com

Keep postin', you'll see, the oilam is here for you.

Lookin' forward to seeing great things from you!
And don't forget, as always, KOMT!!

Hello fellow warriors. I've been a lurker for quite some time and have gotten so much chizuk from your stories. I am in awe of some of your battles and your wins. I finally got the courage to put things into writing, albeit to strangers, I've never told anyone else. Not sure what my end goal is. Maybe just unload a burden, perhaps leaving it somewhere so one day I can look back on it, or maybe something else.

I am a P & M addict for I would say around 25+ years now. When I came to that realization I was shocked, depressed, sad, ashamed, and many other emotions we all go through. In all honesty I never thought of P & M as a big deal, it was just something I did. For me, my only struggle is  P & M. Sometimes multiple times a day. I guess I am "lucky" that I have never had urges to take things further to involve other places, people, risky behaviors, etc. My brain just wants to reach the final goal. 

I can pinpoint the moment all this started to when I was probably 13-14 years old. Although growing up it never bothered me and I never even thought about it, and to be honest it still doesnt bother me nor do I feel like a victim, I now realize I was molested by a young housekeeper, yemach shema, my parents employed at the time. This is going back to the 90s. She was definitely responsible for introducing me to P you could watch on TV back in the day, while playing those programs she did stuff to me further introducing me to MZL, details are murky in my mind but this went on for some time until she was finally let go about 1 year later. She would do stuff to me as often as she could while being home alone. In my young kid mind, it was fine, I guess the pleasurable feeling was there, so I didn't think much of it but the desire to replicate the feeling has never left me since. Before these events I was a real good kid, I had no idea about anything related to these topics, I was naive, shy, and I didnt even talk to girls even while attending co-ed schools. Nobody in this world knows this about my life, not my parents not my loving wife.

So what changed after such a long time? Why do I want to conquer this monster? Well pretty much all my life I have been blessed with everything  a person can want. I always felt super close to Hashem, always had things go the "easy way" for me, well liked, did good in school, went to the right schools and colleges, married the most wonderful girl, have amazing kids, had an amazing parnasa, bottom line I knew and felt Hashem with me every step of the way. A few years ago my parnasa started drying up out of the blue to the point that it is now almost nonexistent. For the first time in my life I was struggling. I was confused, angry. I started searching and came across places that mention MZL and Pgam Habris lead people to poverty. Suddenly things clicked for me. I used this discovery to place blame on what was going on and wanting to change so hopefully I could reverse my mazal. Of course I understand that even if I win things may never go back to what they were. I want to be clean just to be clean. The rest is not up to me.

It has been a few years since I decided to change, try to control my urges, but ultimately fail. Month after month, year after year, business gets worse.  Of course in my mind I say, for 20+ years you didnt know it was bad so its almost like hashem gave me a pass all those years, now that I know it is bad it feels like the free pass is gone and nothing will ever change unless I conquer this disease. This puts me into states of crazy sadness, feelings of depression, lots of drinking just to escape my current reality. Some days I feel there is simply no hope for me. For 25+ years I have acted out almost daily, how can someone like that ever make a comeback, how can Hashem forgive that. I've gone through periods where I dont even daven as it all feels hopeless, then the shame comes all over again at the thought that I am getting even further away from hashem. The feelings of being a failure to my family are with me 24/7, perhaps they are struggling due to my financial situation just because I cannot get a handle on myself, the thoughts of my sweet wife if she ever found out how bad my current state is has brought me to all out crying more than once. She is the true definition of an aishes chayil. She doesnt deserve this in her life.

Anyways, very recently I committed myself to try really hard, hardest I've ever tried before. Minyan 3 times a day, some learning, working on emuna and bitachon, trying to make myself into a "kli" fit to receive blessings. For now I am 8 days clean. The struggle is real. When an urge hits I open GYE and just read the boards.

Hopefully I get some chizuk, hopefully I conquer this monster!

I'm so amazed!! how after all you went through in life, you took the courage the sign yourself up to GYE and work on yourself to become a better husband/father,
this is by far the biggest chizzuk I have received since signing up to GYE!! thank you so much for sharing your story, you're truly an inspiration and may hashem bless you that your marriage should continue to thrive, and you should have a happy life free of any addiction or any other problems until a healthy 120!!!
THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!

Rabbi WannaChange
I am seeing this forum for the first time. 
Welcome to GYE, you made the right choice. You will remember this decision for the rest of your long life. 
Yes, we all go thru the same initial doubts and fears, we are used to living a certain way and we are breaking it. Of course it wont be easy. But it gets easier the longer it goes. 

Yes, I concur with HHM that SSA is a much bigger issue today. I talk to new guys here every day that have SSA. 
But, the bottom line is that its just another form of the addiction. Everyone has a different mind and lusts after something else. But its beatable like anything else. 


Stick around, read posts, go thru the F2F program and learn some tools. Its invaluable. 

Good luck. 

P.S. you can reach out to me via email if you wanna talk more. 
chancygye@outlook.com

I told myself that If I can do 20 days, I'll start my journey on this 90 day forum
The first 18 days have gone through almost without any urges. They call it the pink cloud, it's a cool place but not reality.
The last few days have been a little tougher, but still pretty great. 
I wasn't able to daven normally, I thought that me being clean would automatically switch that on, but it turns out this is not the case.
But I have learned to thank Hashem each day for allowing me to stay clean, and to put on talis & tefilin, and daven as much as I can
I also have written my story extensively for myself, and as locked parts of my childhood history are being unlocked, I can start forming a pattern why I did what I did, why I have been stuck on P&M and the certain fetishes I have, and what void I was trying to fill. I will share when I think I'm able to. 
for now I'll share what has helped me thus far.

- Accountability partner - this is the most powerful tool for me to stop myself from doing anything stupid
- Writing and being on GYE - besides being aware of what I'm going through and reading and sharing others struggles and life stories, I also get my dopamine from here and writing on other forums, which takes away the need to get it from the bad places we're trying to avoid
- Get out of bed in the morning and not lazy around, taking away the opportunity from browsing out of boredom
- Therapy - although I wouldn't consider myself an addict, this helps me understand myself, my strengths and weaknesses
- Journaling - Even if you're not ready to share your full story here, you should still write it down for yourself, that will help you understand why you're doing whatever you are, which sometimes needs healing.
- Talk to Hashem - He knows everything anyway, you might as well speak to him, acknowledge your struggles, your hardships etc. I'm not talking about promising to be good or fooling yourself that you can only talk to him about learning or bigger stuff than yourself. Even if your davening is not that great, or you don't go to daven at all.

rocky21 wrote on 05 Apr 2025 17:26:

Dude. Very sorry to hear about the fall. But it's not about the streak. It's about living life.

If I had gotten to a point where I was only masturbating 8 times a year as a single guy I would have put myself on a pedestal and started worshiping myself as the god of self control. But that's really besides the point. The point is that perhaps you should take your eyes off of the shot clock and try to find some contentment in each day of being clean.

rocky21 wrote on 05 Apr 2025 17:26:

Everything you’re saying is so familiar...  It’s like you’ve captured every bit of nonsense our brains throw at us after a fall, and it all feels so painfully true when we’re in it...
I don't think I can say anything that will change how you feel right now - because nothing people said to me helped me much either after a fall, even if I agreed in theory with what they were saying...
But one thing that did help, was to remind myself that I should NOT trust my thoughts after a fall. That all the thoughts of yiush in my head may only be meaningless brain fog not grounded in reality, and therefore, I should just blindly force myself to get back up, even if voices in my head are screaming "why try?".
And it worked. The first days were hard and counterintuitive - I felt like I was a robot doing things that don't make sense.
But after a few good days, my normal mind was back (sort of), and I was cruising again...