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18 Apr 2024 21:08
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chaimoigen
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chooseurname wrote on 18 Apr 2024 16:52:
youknowwho wrote on 18 Apr 2024 03:36:
There's a question that’s been slowly growing in the dark crevices of my mind. Gnawing at me and slowly but surely chiseling away at my resolve. I’ve shared this question with some dear friends offline, yet would like to share it here, with some thoughts. Question: Life as it was in the past, being addicted to porn and masturbation, was miserable. Now that I don’t watch porn or masturbate…surprise! Life can still feel miserable, sometimes. It’s not utopia…Can I say with confidence that now my life is so rosy? No, I don’t see how everything else got so much better. Some days are hard, I feel powerless and want to succumb. I am left to deal with those emotions that drove me to porn in the first place, yet now there’s no escape! Isn’t that even worse? What’s the point of not falling? Something that helped me, was actually following that train of thought, from start to finish. I won’t get too graphic here, but I started to picture it all in my mind. The hunt for the prefect clip, hours upon hours of relentless pursuit. The sheer desperation, the complete haze and numbness as I stumble, shake and gasp to the finish line. Finally, hours later, spent and weak kneed, I turn up to face myself in the mirror. I hate myself. Why? Just why? What the heck have I done? So now I’m happy?! But that was only good for a little while, before long it was rinse and repeat. And so, for me the answer is clear…yes, there are days that are really challenging. Days that bring along difficult emotions. Days where I even stumble into lust, I see a pretty girl and it drives me bonkers. Fine. It’s still a lot better that going through hell again, and I won’t trade it for anything in the world. Sometimes, we forget what it was like. Its normal to forget. But we can use our imagination, talk it through with a friend, but don’t let yourself truly forget what a Gehinnom it really is to be ensnared in porn and masturbation without a hope of ever seeing a way out.
Okay, that feels a whole lot better, maybe life is rosy after all...
-YKW
I identify with this post. Thank you.
I don't know if it works so well with to remember how miserable I was (am?) when I watch porn. The misery is far away and the porn is close. For me, this approach is helpful when times are good to focus on how much happier I am clean. When times are bad it's hard to remember that.
A slightly different approach I'm working on (from the easy-peasy method) is to drill into my head that I'm not a porn-watching-person anymore. I'm a different person now. This person still has urges, but porn is not part of this person's weltanschauung. So what if life is miserable? Why does that relate to porn? My misery needs a solution, but porn is not a solution in this person's toolbox.
I don't want to get distracted from this powerful post. But it's interesting how we get so wrapped up in the struggle and shame and the whole negative parsha that we think "if only if I could fix this life would be great." But that's not true. There's always gonna be another mountain. Just hypothesizing here, but it could be there's two explanations for this phenomena. First, that's just how people are wired that whatever problem we are faced with we think everything would be great if not for this problem. Second, and more likely, porn is a major, life affecting problem. our lives are better without this problem. But we get used to the freedom and start focusing on our other problems. Meaning, if with porn we have 100 problem units. Without porn we have don't have 99 problem units, we are down to 55. But now we focus in on the 55 and forget to be happy about the 45 we're no longer staring down the barrel of.
Probably the solution is something cheesy like gratitude.
Terrific Shiur Klalli.
I’m going to chazer the points to get them Klohr.
1. To help one feel motivated, It maybe be easier to focus on the pleasure of a clean present than to struggle to remember and feel the agony of the past.
2. Welcome to the non- smokerporner club. Life is different when you’re a no-smoker. There are stresses and strains but what does that have to do with cigarettes porn, anyways?
3. You see: “Life is pain, highness. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something”. So really, given that truth, the problems that arise in life cannot ever justify the negative method of escape, for that pain is a fundamental part of life, and will always be there regardless. Other methods and ways of living must be found, if one is to live.
4. Being involved in porn etc is a major life problem in-and-of itself. So the problems of “lifeing” are reduced when you join the non smoker club. Granted, new patterns must be found and that’s not so easy for a guy hooked on the wrong ones. But that’s what has to happen if he is to learn to LIVE.
I think that was the gist.
These are great, thought-provoking points. Great stuff.
I’m sure if a contrarian would want to weigh in, he could counter that delicious porn and lust is a good distraction from the existential pain of livin’, better than any other he knows of, and these thoughts don’t necessarily help a guy who isn’t feeling them. And he might say that sometimes the problem of porn is not as great as the problems dealing with feeling the pain in life without a numbing agent. It would hurt to hear that.
But I’d yet counter that a persons feelings reflect their cognitions, more often than one would care to admit, and clarity is a great thing, a can help tremendously. Even taking into account the sometimes-great distance between the head and the heart.
yeah, there are different types of problems in life. It’s not easy. But For me, I choose to live even if it’s painful at times, because even though the heightened clarity may sometimes cut like glass, nevertheless it’s clear and has sharp, defined colors, and catches and refracts the light. Ain’t goin back to the twisted pink haziness, ever.
Now I will go back to the work I was supposed to be doing. With gratitude for the discussion, the wisdom and the friendships.
KOMT,
Chaim
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18 Apr 2024 16:52
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chooseurname
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youknowwho wrote on 18 Apr 2024 03:36:
There's a question that’s been slowly growing in the dark crevices of my mind. Gnawing at me and slowly but surely chiseling away at my resolve. I’ve shared this question with some dear friends offline, yet would like to share it here, with some thoughts. Question: Life as it was in the past, being addicted to porn and masturbation, was miserable. Now that I don’t watch porn or masturbate…surprise! Life can still feel miserable, sometimes. It’s not utopia…Can I say with confidence that now my life is so rosy? No, I don’t see how everything else got so much better. Some days are hard, I feel powerless and want to succumb. I am left to deal with those emotions that drove me to porn in the first place, yet now there’s no escape! Isn’t that even worse? What’s the point of not falling? Something that helped me, was actually following that train of thought, from start to finish. I won’t get too graphic here, but I started to picture it all in my mind. The hunt for the prefect clip, hours upon hours of relentless pursuit. The sheer desperation, the complete haze and numbness as I stumble, shake and gasp to the finish line. Finally, hours later, spent and weak kneed, I turn up to face myself in the mirror. I hate myself. Why? Just why? What the heck have I done? So now I’m happy?! But that was only good for a little while, before long it was rinse and repeat. And so, for me the answer is clear…yes, there are days that are really challenging. Days that bring along difficult emotions. Days where I even stumble into lust, I see a pretty girl and it drives me bonkers. Fine. It’s still a lot better that going through hell again, and I won’t trade it for anything in the world. Sometimes, we forget what it was like. Its normal to forget. But we can use our imagination, talk it through with a friend, but don’t let yourself truly forget what a Gehinnom it really is to be ensnared in porn and masturbation without a hope of ever seeing a way out.
Okay, that feels a whole lot better, maybe life is rosy after all...
-YKW
I identify with this post. Thank you.
I don't know if it works so well with to remember how miserable I was (am?) when I watch porn. The misery is far away and the porn is close. For me, this approach is helpful when times are good to focus on how much happier I am clean. When times are bad it's hard to remember that.
A slightly different approach I'm working on (from the easy-peasy method) is to drill into my head that I'm not a porn-watching-person anymore. I'm a different person now. This person still has urges, but porn is not part of this person's weltanschauung. So what if life is miserable? Why does that relate to porn? My misery needs a solution, but porn is not a solution in this person's toolbox.
I don't want to get distracted from this powerful post. But it's interesting how we get so wrapped up in the struggle and shame and the whole negative parsha that we think "if only if I could fix this life would be great." But that's not true. There's always gonna be another mountain. Just hypothesizing here, but it could be there's two explanations for this phenomena. First, that's just how people are wired that whatever problem we are faced with we think everything would be great if not for this problem. Second, and more likely, porn is a major, life affecting problem. our lives are better without this problem. But we get used to the freedom and start focusing on our other problems. Meaning, if with porn we have 100 problem units. Without porn we have don't have 99 problem units, we are down to 55. But now we focus in on the 55 and forget to be happy about the 45 we're no longer staring down the barrel of.
Probably the solution is something cheesy like gratitude.
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18 Apr 2024 03:36
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youknowwho
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There's a question that’s been slowly growing in the dark crevices of my mind. Gnawing at me and slowly but surely chiseling away at my resolve. I’ve shared this question with some dear friends offline, yet would like to share it here, with some thoughts. Question: Life as it was in the past, being addicted to porn and masturbation, was miserable. Now that I don’t watch porn or masturbate…surprise! Life can still feel miserable, sometimes. It’s not utopia…Can I say with confidence that now my life is so rosy? No, I don’t see how everything else got so much better. Some days are hard, I feel powerless and want to succumb. I am left to deal with those emotions that drove me to porn in the first place, yet now there’s no escape! Isn’t that even worse? What’s the point of not falling? Something that helped me, was actually following that train of thought, from start to finish. I won’t get too graphic here, but I started to picture it all in my mind. The hunt for the prefect clip, hours upon hours of relentless pursuit. The sheer desperation, the complete haze and numbness as I stumble, shake and gasp to the finish line. Finally, hours later, spent and weak kneed, I turn up to face myself in the mirror. I hate myself. Why? Just why? What the heck have I done? So now I’m happy?! But that was only good for a little while, before long it was rinse and repeat. And so, for me the answer is clear…yes, there are days that are really challenging. Days that bring along difficult emotions. Days where I even stumble into lust, I see a pretty girl and it drives me bonkers. Fine. It’s still a lot better that going through hell again, and I won’t trade it for anything in the world. Sometimes, we forget what it was like. Its normal to forget. But we can use our imagination, talk it through with a friend, but don’t let yourself truly forget what a Gehinnom it really is to be ensnared in porn and masturbation without a hope of ever seeing a way out.
Okay, that feels a whole lot better, maybe life is rosy after all...
-YKW
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16 Apr 2024 21:36
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yoda
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my name is yoda (annonymous name)
I have been struggling with porngraphy for more than 15 years.
It is a normal addiction I suppose but, for religious people it is a sin.
It keeps us away from god, friends, community and so on.
I don't have a solution to this particular problem besides getting married and have family - since it will force be to have some kind of accountability
for my sins.
I know I wasn't blessed with a high IQ that allows you to focus on mathmathics and other topics.
It is very hard for me to concentrate in general maybe it is because of tech, or other things. I don;'t know/
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12 Apr 2024 12:11
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anu_rayasecha
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Baruch Hashem, one month down!
I have been checking in daily to update my status and that is helping a lot. My daily morning alarm to come here reminds me that this battle is being waged day by day, and I can fall at any time. I've gotten this far before and I'm by no means coasting.
A major piece of the puzzle has been realizing that I have an internet "addiction" as well. I'm not prepared to say it's truly an addiction like P & M but it's a serious problem. I would stay up till 2am on the computer and of course it's inevitable what kind of content I would encounter. So I've been taking nedarim for that problem and limit myself to 45 minutes per day with a countdown timer. It's a balance. Really, I should learn to live without instant news updates and mindless videos entirely but I'm not there yet. A tight time window keeps me browsing very fast and hopefully looking away very fast from what I'm not supposed to see.
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09 Apr 2024 16:11
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sdny
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Very true it may be hard to believe but for someone who has been "addicted" for years and then stops cold turkey after some time Everything is a trigger (no more target for me IMY"h)
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04 Apr 2024 20:16
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darkfrontier777
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Hello I joined GYE in the end of February. Since then my M problem didn't change much. I almost finished the f2f course and have only one course left which is less relevant to me rn(the life satisfaction one while I have set goals and motivations). Anyways I keep using the SOS tools and other tools but it just doesn't help. I view unfiltered content(not P most of the time) and it triggers me to act out. I fall something like 3 times a week and it's just depressing because I thought at this point the situation would be much better. I think in my case it's more of a habit than a physical urge or addiction and it's just frustrating. Anyone with advice how to get clean? P.s I managed to stay clean for 2-3 months before few years but I keep falling constantly and right now my best streak is only a week or so. What should I do?
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03 Apr 2024 14:21
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chooseurname
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Anyone know anything about "Addictive Voice Recognition Technique" and wants to summarize it for me?
Is it anything more than what F2F calls finding the fox?
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02 Apr 2024 22:37
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Vehkam
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Hopingforbetterdays wrote on 02 Apr 2024 02:13:
Hi i joined the GYE program Jan. 15, which is 188 days ago, I learned the techniques how to help my addiction and very much devoted to get clean and live freely on the right path staying focused and vigilant to my problems, confident in my goal it would work to bring me to ever lasting freedom My question though is: ever since i started my journey on GYE i never had an urge or downfall, which means I cant really utilize the tools and guidance I get on the program, which I think would very much help me in real life situations, anyone with any idea for me?
Keep reviewing the techniques. A little bit every day will ingrain it in you. The best time to strengthen and prepare yourself is when you don’t have strong urges. Preparing now can save you a whole lot of grief later…:
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02 Apr 2024 04:00
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i-man
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Hopingforbetterdays wrote on 02 Apr 2024 02:13:
Hi i joined the GYE program Jan. 15, which is 188 days ago, I learned the techniques how to help my addiction and very much devoted to get clean and live freely on the right path staying focused and vigilant to my problems, confident in my goal it would work to bring me to ever lasting freedom My question though is: ever since i started my journey on GYE i never had an urge or downfall, which means I cant really utilize the tools and guidance I get on the program, which I think would very much help me in real life situations, anyone with any idea for me?
Hi
First ,congrats 188 days is incredible.
I don’t think you should be concerned that you don’t have strong urges etc. It’s a huge brachah that you don’t have to deal with the terrible nisyonos some of the guys here deal with. Definitely don’t worry about utilizing the program. It’s like saying you want car trouble to use your AAA , or get sick G-D forbid to utilize all that the healthcare benefits insurance has. Be proactive, take steps to be ready to deal with a challenge if it does ever come. But don’t look for a fight so to speak.
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02 Apr 2024 02:13
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Hopingforbetterdays
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Hi i joined the GYE program Jan. 15, which is 188 days ago, I learned the techniques how to help my addiction and very much devoted to get clean and live freely on the right path staying focused and vigilant to my problems, confident in my goal it would work to bring me to ever lasting freedom My question though is: ever since i started my journey on GYE i never had an urge or downfall, which means I cant really utilize the tools and guidance I get on the program, which I think would very much help me in real life situations, anyone with any idea for me?
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31 Mar 2024 06:29
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sdny
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I'm no expert in addictions but if you cant go thru your day w/o alcohol/drugs a person is a addict. Seems like you have the same worth mast****. Please correct me if I'm wrong
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29 Mar 2024 22:18
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cande
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Vehkam wrote on 29 Mar 2024 22:12:
I would say that I felt very connected. It’s not that my essence was transformed. I believe that my essence was always good. The daily commitment and the effort to keep that commitment even when it was a challenge helped forge a connection to Torah and the ribono shel olam. That connection is was the neshama always craves and the yetzer hara hijacks that craving to send you in other dead end directions.
WOW!
commitment to learning may just be the KICK OFF, to get me at least to want, to want to sober up.
i do understand that learning may/will not cure an addict,
but there is a point that בראתי יצר הרע בראתי תורה תבלין atleast to WAKE ME UP!
your whole story, and this learning torah point is MIND BLOWING, for me.
hashem should bless!
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29 Mar 2024 11:30
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Hashem Help Me
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remaininganonymous26 wrote on 27 Mar 2024 13:34:
I had a major fall the other day. I was bored and stressed, and I saw it coming, but I didn't want to take a taphsic because I felt it was important to practice fighting the urge rather than just pushing it away with a taphsic.
I'm not sure what to think. BH I made it to over 100 days, and I accomplished so much in that time. Also, I was able to pick myself up after the fall and keep on fighting. I am trying to improve my filter (but you cant filter an addiction...) and more importantly working on myself to make sure that this does not happen again.
But at the end of the day, this was a fall after a long period in the clear and it's upsetting. The yetzer hora tells me all sorts of things- I'm a bad person, I will never fix this, just give up. Trying to stay positive, hoping you guys have some advice or words of encouragement.
A courageous fellow looked up at the summit and planned out his climb up the mountain. As each day progressed he accustomed himself to the challenges of the unpredictable terrain. After 100 days of climbing he lost his balance and slipped into a ditch. As he sat on the ditch's edge bandaging his wounds, he had an opportunity to enjoy the views and fresh air from this high altitude. "I guess i could give up and head down, but that would be foolish." So after resting a bit, he studied the area to determine what caused his slip and developed a plan for the next time such a challenge arose, and headed on to day 101 of his climb.
Buddy, you are a hero. Determine what the triggers were, make a plan, and keep going. Hatzlocha!
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