Hi everyone. I have been on GYE for about a year and am very inspired by everyone’s story. I have been thinking about posting for a while, and I feel like this is a good time. I am by nature a very private person and although this is anonymous, it still feels very unnatural to be sharing with this many people, but here goes. 

I am in my early 20s. I grew up in a orthodox home, and was always a good kid. When I got to around 5th grade I started feeling interested in looking at inappropriate things, I don’t remember when but I remember getting a thrill when I saw anything. I started with whatever I can find on YouTube, nothing hardcore, I didn’t even know what P was. In fact, I remember being with my mother and hearing someone on a video mention that word( he was talking about how it’s a big problem these days) and when I asked her what it was, she told me it was people doing very inappropriate and bad things, and asked me to promise her that I would never look at it( I remember realizing at a point that I broke that promise, and that was very hard). At this time I was starting to figure out about M, but still didn’t know what it was, and that I wasn’t the only person that did it. In 6th grade a friend told me to search up P, and I was instantly hooked. The first time I was looking at it, my mother came into my room and I quickly threw my device behind my bed. I remember speaking to my mother about wanting to daven better, all while I was able to look down and see the P behind my bed. That summer, I had a fear that people would find out and I would never get married, and for most of 7th grade I stopped, but I eventually started again and that was that. 

This went on until last year (about 10 years of multiple times a day P and M, with the main addiction being M). Throughout that time I slowly became more to myself, and although I had plenty of friends, what felt like the biggest part of me was something that no one could ever know. In high school I was obsessed with finding someone to do what I was watching with, and eventually I found someone. At first it was a random girl, and then I ended up getting a girlfriend. We were together for almost 2 years, and this secret played a big role in the relationship. I was always hiding this, and she would eventually find out that I was watching P amd M and I would always promise to stop. I really meant it, but it wasn’t something that I had the tools to do. We ended up breaking up, largely because of this, but Bh we did because it was not a healthy relationship. 

One good thing is that she got me to admit to myself how big of a problem this was, and to go to therapy. The therapy didn’t really help for this, although it helped me become a way healthier person in general. Fast forward to last year. I had come back from israel before the summer, and for the first time in my life I was committed to giving myself over to learn Torah. I spent the summer learning until the afternoon, and decided to go to yeshiva in America. Before Rosh hashana, I realized that I finally had my life in order, yet this was something that I just couldn’t get under control. I started seeing a good therapist , and had 1 session before going to israel by myself to be with my friends for succos. I thought to myself that this will be a good time because I will be staying with friends, it will be hard to find time to P and M. I was wrong, and ended up spending a lot of my trip doing it. Towards the end of the trip, I remembered hearing about GYE from the MMP podcast, so I downloaded the app. At that time i randomly was on the phone with a friend that I didn’t speak to often, and it turned out that we were in the same boat: ready to start dating, except this was a major issue not under control. For the first time in my life, I had someone to talk to openly about this. We became each others support system, and for a few months it was under control. It was the first time in my life not only a day clean, but months. Eventually he got married, and we cried together by his wedding. But for me, once he started dating his wife we lost touch, and without my support system, I began falling, until I was back to daily P and M. I had already started speaking to shadchanim, and I was scared to see that this was still an issue. Thursday night before pesach, I reached out to a GYE member, and I got connected to a mentor. I started with daily check ins and made it almost 100 days ( with 1 or 2 minor slip ups) and I felt amazing. Eventually I started to falter, and in the summer I slowly found myself falling, and by each little stumble I made the biggest mistake, which was not telling my mentor. I thought that I would figure it out and get pack on track. Until 1 day I fell to actual P, and that night I called my mentor to tell him the uncomfortable truth. Bh I am almost 30 days clean right now, and I am feeling better than ever with this nisayon. Thing ended yesterday with a girl that I went out with a few times, and although I’m happy it’s over, it’s hard feeling the loneliness again. So I figured instead of letting it develop and leading me towards a bad place, I would take the opportunity to finally share my story. I’m sorry if it’s long, I tried to make it as short as I could, and I still feel like I missed a lot of details.

I've tried on my own for a while, sometimes successfully (thru the old GYE taphsic method), to stop chatting and p&m online. But for the longest time now it's just been free for all. This time I'll try not to go it on my own, but to have a mentor and also a public log here. My Hashem help me and my family on this journey... I would write more of a detailed post, but I'm tired at this hour, and also burned out from past attempts. But some basic info - I'm mid 30s, married with a few children bh. I also have ADHD (official) and a screen/internet addiction in general. Half the time, it's more of a compulsion and almost like a script and schedule, rather than real sexual urges... That's it for now. I'll go to sleep now and hopefully continue with info and updates

Day Count: 61 Days!!!

!מ"אין" יבוא עזרי

How is it possible for a person to see what he saw, for so many years, and then decide, that's it! I'm done!
have you ever heard of a heroin addict that said, I'm done with this garbage! And then promptly quit?

!אלמלי הקב"ה עוזרו, לא היה יכול לו

You cant quit, I can't quit. Only Hashem himself can free us from slavery, just like in Egypt!

Thanks for your thoughts 

I don’t feel up to tell her yet 
but it makes sense what you said 

I’m ok my wife should buy the phone and give me it filtered everything besides talk and text 
I am not looking for something to get screwed the whole day
The last year without it was real freedom 
But just the comfort it gives 
And being the same as everyone 
Will really benefit in many ways 

I was thinking of keeping it in the bedroom all the time besides when I go out 
Cause the end of the game a phone even a flip phone is addictive somehow 

So hopefully I can get soon a healthy and heilig smartphone owner 
Good night 

CONGRATS!!
​Gives me lots of chizzuk since I've never been close to that level of addiction, so I have no excuse not to reach where ur at.
​Yasher Coach!

Journal #3 

To quote Jonathon , therapist in SSA that I found a post he has on GYE;
(im not going to put on the whole post as parts of it may be triggering for others)

“And now with each male figure, try to determine what exactly is it that you need. I'll provide some examples that I have heard most often from other SSA men:

• Father: Love, Care, Support, Recognition, Affirmation
• Peers: Validation, Camaraderie, Recognition, Play, Support, Love
• Brothers: Support, Love, Respect, Care
• Mentors: Guidance, Support, Safety, Understanding

First off, notice that some of the needs can be met by more than one male figure, and this is because the way a father gives support, for an example, is different than the way a peer may do so. Also, it is crucial to recognize that these are needs, (as opposed to wants-which I'll try to explain more in another post, but give this some of your own thought for now), and that these needs are non-negotiable. That means you deserve to have them met now, in the past and G-d willing in the future as well.

Finally, again I want to point out that we all have different needs, and I am sure there other male-figures I could list too. What I have above is just an example for the purposes of explanation - what matters most is how YOU on your own identify what types of males you need in your life, and what exactly is it that you need from them. So go ahead and do this for your top right circle.

When you are done, move on to the next and final circle labeled, "What I received from men." To fill this in, list the types of male figures you listed before (Father, Peers, ect.) and now write next to each man what you received from them in the past and currently right now. Here are some examples of what I've seen many men with SSA end up writing down:

• Father: Rejection, Unavailable, Abusing, Hurtful, Unloving
• Peers: Bullying, Rejection, Mean, Hateful
• Brothers: Absent, Abusive, Unloving
• Mentors: Abusing, Hateful, Absent, Rejecting

-Well, I guess that just about sums me up then! My low self esteem is really my worst enemy! Lack of belief in myself that I had real friends in elementary was really bad! Also of course the fact that I don’t think Totty was able to be too available or compassionate to me either probably played a big role!

THIS MAKES SO MUCH SENSE! I wish I could share this with my wife!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Let’s. Start. Over. I spoke to Hashem Help Me tonight for the first time.

1) He spent time telling me Im normal , I’m not g-y. We discussed my background I told him about my relationship or lack thereof with Totty. Also my low self esteem. He said how could you possibly blame yourself, you  were young when it became a habit, you didn’t know it was wrong, no one ever spoke to you about it or gave you hadracha on it. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!!! I didn’t have bechirah as my habit was so strong and I didn’t truly believe there was a way out so I just kept on giving up! HKBH put me, a talented great guy with loads of mitzvos in this situation, and I just need to know that if I fall, oh OK, and move on. Like a guy who knows every time he goes on a plane his leg hurts him. Its not his fault hes just this way. So too Im this way as a result of a few things and I absolutely should not go crazy from falling. Its a habit from when I’m younger with no hadracha did I ever get in regard to it, how can I possibly be blamed for it! He told me I’m not addicted.

2)Whats the reason to stop? FOR MY WIFES SAKE!!! By animals they were created diff, they were created separately, they have a specific dating season, and by that season theyre hyperactive with any other female, however by people, we were created as one unit and then split into 2, but really we’re 1 unit. Taking walks together just spending time together, even arguing together and being mevater to one another, is all a part of our relationship. In the bedroom, is like the icing on a cake. We have the cake, which is our intimacy, already from everything else we do to create a bond with each other. The Icing-the sexuality, is something which enhances the cake which is already there.

But Reshaim ruin BOTH-they want the icing by itself without the cake- they do it without the bonding part, without the intimacy meaning without the close relationship of caring and compassion between husband and wife.

The goyim pay to have people smile while doing p-rn, even though in truth its gross, someone was mezaneh RL he threw up afterwards, they pay people to do things which make it look good. Lots and lots of examples. Lingurie, certain body contacts, who says she is really doing that because she enjoys it, maybe shes just doing it to fulfill the mans needs, and the mans needs are painted by the goyish culture that he’s exposed to, but in truth, the man should just be focusing on what is going to grow his intimacy with his wife, meaning what does his wife really want? What really gets her excited that I can GIVE TO HER, because that’s what intimacy is all about, bonding together.

So if you look next to my name, you'll see that I've completed an entire solar year of being free of an addiction that has gnawed at my brain for 25 years. 
It's weird. 
I don't really know how to process the feelings. 
On the one hand, it's pretty cool. 
But on the other hand, yeah it's cool too. 

I'm pleased with myself coz it's something I wanted for a long time. I think the initial work was the first few months where breaking free was so challenging. 
Hashem has helped me a lot. 

Much has happened over the last year. 
Some challenges that almost broke me. 
Some challenges that did break me. And some challenges that I grew through. 

There's way too much going on in my brain now to formulate all my thoughts. So I'll write them down and maybe share at a later date

One point I want to share and hopefully it will give people chizzuk. 

Back in the old days when I was in the clutches of the addiction, I could barely get through the day. Every woman I saw on the street, I ran to release. If I was in the grocery and a woman leaned over, I ran to release. If a woman reached up and I saw 1/4" of skin above her waistband, I ran to release. 
Every single woman I saw, was like water given to a thirsty traveler lost in the desert. It strangled me. 
I couldn't stop thinking about a woman's "parts"
I was chalishing to think about them every minute of every day. 
It caused me to watch and release on erev and motzei yom Kippur (thank God never on RH or YK and I don't think any yom tov either) 

Now that I have cleaned my behavior, I am no longer dragged down daily to low levels of feeling emptiness in this area. 
The whole 'horninessometer levels" have been turned way way down. 
I'm not sweating and panting from every woman I see. I feel I'm much more of a normal human who has basic (or maybe a little more than that) Shmiras einayim struggles. 

I'm not gasping for air, every time I see a woman. I no longer have to run to the bathroom and watch and release several times a day just coz I saw a girl walking past my house. 

I'm not in the death grip of the yetzer hara. 
BH this is a massive relief. A huge bolder that sat on my shoulders for 25 years, no longer weights me down.
It's definitely a huge relief to not have this constantly sitting on my brains.
It's Huge
 YUUUUGEEE
BIGLY. 


may the Master of the world
Give you all strength to continue your difficult journeys and may you all be zoche to cleanliness and happiness. 

(Im sticking around BN!) 

Day 1:
I've had enough of my life. And I've had enough of playing victim. Telling myself I'll change when things get better. Waiting for work to get easier, for people to change, or for my mood to improve.

I'm done. First thing I'll do (as Jordan Peterson would say) is to clean my room. Just a minute....

Okay, I'm back. The room is clean. 

I've been struggling with porn for many years now. These are my porn addiction symptoms:
I'm not present. 
I don't enjoy doing anything. 
I'm scared to talk to people. 
I objectify women. All I see is their body. 
I'm getting delayed ejaculation, DE. It takes me a long time to finish my business with my wife.
I haven't earned money in a long time.  
I got so depressed. I had no motivation to work. 
I have no will to live, basically, besides taking care of my kids. That's what gives me drive. 
I have no spirituality in my life. I want that to change. 

And today's the first day. 

Yesterday, I fell - I watched. PMO. 
Today, I'm just so sick of everything. I did start watching porn, but I got so sick of myself that I couldn't continue. I stopped in the middle. 

I feel like I hit rock bottom in every area of life. I have no religion or spirituality. No good relationships. No social life. No career. No self. 

I know what I don't want. but what DO I want?
Over the next couple of months, as I work on finding myself, I'll also have to figure out my purpose. Why do all this?

I'm ready to build myself up.

This is really a rough draft and I would love to hear feedback and input from everyone here. I hope that some find it helpful and that everyone can be hopeful

Sleeping better - If I look back at my acting out history and the journal entries which followed, a blazingly obvious theme comes up, I was tired. This is by far the most common element of my acting out. When I’m tired I can’t handle discomfort as well as when I’m well rested, I can’t function in all areas of life at full capacity and feel frustrated from that, and being tired itself is uncomfortable and it creates a sense of anxiety about when I’m going to be able to get enough sleep. All these are triggers for acting out.

Before beginning recovery I used to get very little sleep, in my  early years of beis medrash I would regularly live on 5 hours a night and a ton of coffee. It was so unhealthy. Even after I got married I was still regularly getting less than 7 hours a night and many times much less than that. I learned to just “function” even while being tired, just enough to get by in life. But early on in recovery it became apparent that being tired was a core cause of my acting out and I made attempts to improve my sleep. I don’t remember much in the beginning, but it was pretty early on that I started going to sleep early and getting up early. I switched from an 11:30 bedtime to 9:30, waking up at 7:00 to waking up at 5:00. It was an enormous switch in my life. It did make it easier that my wife was used to going to sleep early and used to go to sleep then anyway. Now that I’m thinking of it, initially the main reason to switch the bedtime wasn’t to get more sleep but in order to go to sleep at the same time as my wife to make the nighttime struggle easier. A lot of my biggest urges climaxed at night when I would come home exhausted, my wife would be asleep and I would stay up fighting the urge until giving in, and then have a bad day because I would be exhausted. 

One of the hardest things I had to do during recovery was to decide to give up night seder. In the beginning it wasn’t so bad because I would learn in the mornings when I woke up, but many times I would wake up later because of nighttime childcare, and eventually I started using the mornings for running. I had to sacrifice what was essentially one of the main ingredients in having a successful yeshiva career in order to have a stronger recovery. I am very grateful that I had the strength and courage to do what was considered an odd choice by my friends, and I still struggle sometimes with this part of my lifestyle even though I know that it is a critical part of my recovery and therefore my being the best me.

It is very difficult for me even now to have the discipline to go to sleep on time. Many nights I sacrifice being a more attentive husband in order to shut off the lights, and there are many important tasks which just don’t get done. My friends ask me “When do you do things?” and the answer is that I don’t. I’ve prioritized my sleep above other things because of how important it is for my continued recovery. So where I used to not sleep, now I don’t do the other less important chores.

Besides shifting my sleep schedule I had to stop drinking coffee in the afternoons and alcohol at night. Dropping coffee wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. Once I was getting 7-8 hours of sleep every night I really didn’t need the caffeine, and once I stopped drinking it I needed it even less (since drinking coffee makes you need coffee like any other addiction). However I was having a hard time replacing it with something else, and during one of the yeshiva’s fundraisers they gave out a K-cup everyday whereas up until that point I had only drunk instant and I started drinking coffee again. It was really enjoyable, but I didn’t want to be sucked back into the caffeine drug. After a while I figured I would get decaf coffee pods and drink those, although there is some caffeine in it I felt like it was OK. So that’s basically where I am now with coffee, I basically just drink decaf but if I know I didn’t get enough sleep I’ll have a cup of regular coffee in the morning to help take the edge off. But honestly I think it would be better if even on those days I didn’t have caffeine as it puts me on edge and doesn’t really help much. (Since writing this I have cut out the morning caffeine even when I’m tired)

In the summer of 2023 I was going through part of the flight 2 freedom program on GYE and was doing the portion on sleep hygiene. Most of the changes I made came from that program. I’m pretty sure I had already started exercising by then but it just got put in the context of doing it to help my sleep.

And still I go through periods where I’ll be off my sleep schedule, but I always end up journaling the next day about how I regret staying up. Watching TV at night is really a big killer for me right now. It hurts with the screen's stimulation and also that I end up staying up way too late. For me I need to make solid boundaries and if they’re not working then make new ones or adjust the old ones, my sleep is too important to not take seriously.

I’m really happy with the changes I’ve made to my sleep schedule and the difference it makes for me in my functioning everyday, but more in my ability to handle emotions and to stay calm and sober.

Some more thoughts on sleep: every book I read on mental health has mentioned sleeping as a core component of regaining mental health.

Bottom line, sleep is really important. It’s good to recognize that everyone is different and what might be enough sleep for someone else isn’t the same for you, and that's ok. It's also ok if other people are able to function well while being tired, what you're concerned with is your own functioning, other people are not your priority right now. So you’ll need to do some experimenting with sleep, to find how much you need to be your best, however a safe bet is to try what studies have shown to be effective, getting between 7-8 hours a night. I found for myself that if I try to get 7 then I get 6 and a half, so I always aim for between 7:30 and 8 hours and end up somewhere in the middle.

There are many sleeping courses and selfhelp guides for getting better sleep and I encourage everyone to get the guidance they can, I will just write the tools that I used and found helpful.

There are few important things to consider when tackling the issue of getting better sleep: Bedtime routine, sleep quality, early to bed early to rise. 

Just like when we are trying to train a baby to go to sleep nicely, which relies on their falling asleep well and getting into a good sleep, we create a bedtime routine the same principle applies to adults as well. We want to make connections in our brain that tell it, when these things are happening it's time to start getting ready to shut down, and to combine that with soothing activities that trigger the natural sleepiness. The routine I used included turning off most of the lights, taking a shower and reading a book on the couch for a few minutes. Turning off the lights mimics the natural darkening of the sky which tells the body to start shutting down for the night. A warm shower helps relax the muscles and provide a soothing feeling, almost like a massage. And the book is just a way to relax, shut off the noise from the day and let your mind drift. It’s also important that the bed is only used for sleeping (and for intimacy) so that the brain connects going into bed with going to sleep. If you are having trouble falling asleep at night, after 20-30 minutes it's worth getting up to do something both so that you don’t keep focusing on whatever is stressing you out and so that you don’t associate the bed as a place to stress.

As important as it is to get a proper amount of sleep it’s also good to get good quality sleep. The main focus seems to be REM sleep or deep sleep. I honestly don’t know much about it but here are some of the things I did and continue to try to do to improve my quality sleep. No screens for an hour before bed, quickly checking a phone is ok but don’t watch a show or spend ten minutes having a texting chat. No caffeine after 4pm since it can stay in your system for a long time even after the obvious effects wear off. No naps after 4pm, you want to be tired so that you can get into a nice good sleep quickly. Not drinking alcohol at night, they say that it hurts your sleep, and I personally found that I make bad decisions after drinking and end up staying awake later than I had planned to which further hurts my sleep schedule.

In one of the videos I watched as part of a sleep improvement course (on GYE) it talked about the circadian rhythm lining up with the sunlight in the day, and how naturally we have an internal clock that tells us when to sleep. This is why we get better sleep if we go to sleep earlier and wake up early rather than staying up late and waking up later. Besides for the scientific benefit I’ve found another reason to move the bedtime up. As a parent I had to get used to the idea of not sleeping through the night along with waking up at random times in the morning, and I realized the only way I could really affect how much sleep I got was by going to sleep early.
Like I wrote before I still have ups and downs, times when I'm really on top of my sleep schedule and times when everythin goes out the window. But the yesod is to continue to recognize the value it has and to keep coming back to it.

The following is from Google AI but from what I have seen on the forum it usually takes less time to get rid of depression than what Google AI is saying. It takes 3-6 months to get rid of the addiction and rewire the brain but depression doesn't usually last that long. At the end of the process you will feel better than ever before as many people have testified. I can't go into professional websites because of my filter. Google AI:

Months 1–3 and beyond: Lingering psychological symptoms, such as anxiety, depression, and anhedonia (the inability to feel pleasure from everyday activities), may persist for months, especially for those with a long history of compulsive use. Full brain rewiring and balancing of brain chemicals can take 3 to 6 months.

BH had a big win last night. Was feeling lousy and put down but didnt let my thoughts stray, ended up falling asleep.

Journal #2

-OK here goes nothing, I read some more posts on GYE and heres what Im thinking, my parents relationship with each other never seems to have a lot of trust in it in regard to love and caring. Yes its true my father always said we do this in order to make Mommy happy etc but that was really more acts of service not love I think. I remember only once seeing them interact physically. Also was I missing out physical touch from my father which causes me to crave care and compassion from other men which translates to my need for SSA? Wow that was deep! Is it true? My father never hugged me much, the most was rubbing my back which I always found uncomfortable and embarrassing bec. he would do it in shul.

Also another point, the whole Captain Kirk point by Dove, which makes sense, basically that if you don’t put your name out there you aren’t admitting to yourself that you are a normal person, just that you have a sickness to overcome, rather you are giving yourself 2 identities which can crash! That makes sense but Im still scared my wife will find out and I will lose everything!!!! It’s just not worth it, I love her and don’t want to lose her and my kids I LOVE MY FAMILY IM CRYING JUST THINKING R”L ABOUT THIS, I wish I could be open and honest with her and she can help me together we can grow but I’m just too scared to try in case she won’t understand or give me the chance.

-Why all of a sudden am I feeling even more lost then I was before? Why am I feeling more sad, I’m not functioning well in work. Is it bec I came to this realization and am scared theres no way out? I wrote before that im just going to have to accept this way of life perhaps, is that true? Am I really OK with that??? I want to feel loved and cared for without any judgement! Its not my fault G-d created me with this nisayon to overcome, and I’m not a dangerous person! Don’t judge me, please!

-Am I addicted to P&M? To quote “”- “ I don't think I'm addicted to P&M. I have normal urges like all healthy people. “ So what about me? Sometimes I cant go a day without PAM, sometimes I can go a few weeks. I don’t feel its a big black chasm like some people describe when they don’t PAM for a while.

-I definitely had distinct feelings when I was younger of WANTING TO BE IN A POSTION THAT IM CARED FOR- I used to fantasize when I was little- not in a PAM way , I was too young for that then, but just to be cared for physically. Was my upbringing really missing in that area so much? Was it bec I didn’t see my parents interacting physically, did they not give me enough physical touch? Im FINALLY REALIZING I think that I always was drawn to make friends (in a normal way) with people BECAUSE I was subconsciously always looking for a male relationship! And then when I wasn’t getting it I turned to PAM as a physical outlet, and that’s why I always fantasize of being in the position of being cared for  WHEN REALLY THAT’S THE LAST THING MY PAM FANTASIES ARE GIVING ME!!!!

Hi Bachur, how have you been doing? Have you gained from reading the forums? Has your life improved, regarding the struggles?

BenHashemBH wrote on 23 Jul 2025 12:58:

I'm coming back to this post again and again because I feel it's so fundamental and it is exactly what I need to overcome in the place that I'm holding. It also occurred to me recently (based on Sefer Nidchei Yisroel) that this is what the 1st perek in Tehillim is praising;  those who avoid following reshoim so that they shouldn't end up standing with them so that they shouldn't end up sitting with them. Things which by themselves are technically permitted but should be clearly wrong because of where they lead. However, although this is clear t me now, I still keep stumbling into this. How do I maintain this clarity continuously?

Thank you again for everyone's chizzuk!

Today, I lost it in anger. But not (yet) motzi zera livatala.

I was talking to a GYE mentor who didnt have SSA, and he urged me to join a phone conference that he said helped him a lot

I showed him that the leader of that group (doesnt have SSA) actually turned me away years ago because I made, according to that leader, my addiction a religious problem. Which to be honest I couldnt fully understand what he meant, and how could he glean that from a short email. He seemed nice enough and apologetic in our convo years ago, but it burned me.

the feelings of being rejected flared up again today when I showed my mentor this and I asked if this is me showing gaava. Which I feel and know that I have a big chunk of.

And my mentor basically said yes. And I felt rejected all over again and now I feel unable to work on stuff I need to do before Shabbat begins. 

I accidentally deleted our Whatsapp chat convo after in a fit of anger, I told him bye if he isnt satisfied with my improvements so far. Asked him to resend his chats and voice messages again because I didnt finish reading them. But I didnt exactly say sorry as I feel hurt. 

I just want to vent here so I dont do mzl. Because I know feelings of rejection especially by straight men really triggers me.

Imay have said "eff that group leader" and "do you think Hashem will be happy with him -- he made a convert feel opressed with his words." Yup, I did wrong and not proud of my words. Abba shebashamayim, forgive me for getting angry and saying improper stuff

Hello Holly lovely brothers from GYE,

=Might be triggering for some=

Its long time I want to open a thread but I didn't have the guts (i still don't) and that push, it took me time to start posting here in general,

However, its almost a year since i joined GYE so I decided to just write down my story, feelings (as far as remember)First to the story.
I don't even remember when I started to masterbate, since I remember I loved to touch there (i was young like probably 6 years old, trying to think now) and 2 family members touched me and also a older bucher in cheider, and later on in cheider a older boy, but i will not call it abusive because I liked it as well...I knew that is wrong but didn't know how wrong, and I can get hooked up.

I found out abt masterbation at one point i didn't know what in doing but i knew i feels pleasurable I got so hooked up I started to masterbate literally everyday or twice in shower or in toilet wherever and whenever i got turned on i went in bathroom and ye..
And my neighbors somehow also played together this game... so I was there as well
That was in cheider,

I got a little older (still in cheider) and started to look for more stimulation when I masterbate I did crazy things like to try to look everywhere to try to found something that makes me more turned on,

One of my parents had a flip phone (3G service) that wasn't filtered and I somehow found online some inappropriate pictures I took in shower to masterbate while looking.. at one point I found nude pics I still remember my hand and body shaking seeing the first time a nude women, a picture, and from there i found out abt porn pictures then videos...
Dont forget im still a child, 

later my mom got a new 4G Flip phone that was already more better and clearer websites.. whatever, i started to look evey 2nd day porn, and every day masterbate, i didnt know how addicted im..i didnt know that I can get addicted.
it was crazy.     

I got bar mitzvah I started to go to mikvahI stopped going because I was scared that i will get .... and ppl will see so i didnt go,Went to yeshiva i was a normal average bucher learning.. I still masterbate every day!

When i was in Yeshiva years ppl tried to come to me to touch but I didn't let them (i don't know how i had the strength to say no!)

No one knew that I'm struggling and wherever someone spoke abt that topic it was so uncomfortable for me.

Went into Yeshiva Gedolah i started to feel so guilty what I'm doing and I tried to stop, then I stop porn for a few months but still masterbate every second day 

I always heard that once when one gets married it will not be anymore a struggle (bluff)
I got engaged bh I could hold back from m. But for not too long..

I got married and I was sure im gone with that after a few months I fall and then another time, I fall back into it not like before but every week or 2

Once was on a website with forums (Jewish)
And someone write a whole article about GYE what it is, with links to the gye's programs,

I started to look the articles on gye i was blown away that there is more ppl like me struggling!!

It was a really hashgucha pruties because it was that time I started to fall every week.. and here I found GYE I decided to try and I signed up

I started the 90 days chart, and I looked the videos here I started to read the forums i saw a few things
1. im not alone that was such a great feeling,
2. its possible to break free,
3. im healthy person with urges and struggles i felt worth, and like a normal men,

After 25 days I fell, I was so disappointed but I didnt gave up i learned from that fell not to do what made me fall now,

I started to chat ppl here I made a few friends they gave me chizuk when I needed it,

At one point someone here (@eriee thank you) pushed me to make a call to him
I said no way that happening i couldn't imagine doing it, however I did the phone call i can't explain the good feeling afterwards, That guys here are experts to make ppl feel normal, loved and validated.

I went up to 185 days clean (basically the whole winter 2025) then I fall with masterbation (not porn bh) because summer arrived.. and I started to not be so careful i thought im enough strong, OMG it was a bad feeling.

And then I started again and i fall after 25 day then after 30 days and here im now 61 days clean of masterbation bh,

"In this year I fell only 4 times that is a major accomplishment for me bh hashem should help further"

I didn't fall to hardcore porn since im on GYE, hurray hurray!!

Without hashem sending me GYE I dont know where I would be these days,
GYE the best!

Not everything is reverent here but I just have to write it down on paper 

My heart is pumping stronger while im going to press that submit butten..

With love, Puppy

Wishing you all the best keep rocking, buddy's