Here goes:

I grew up- like most of us- without any education on the topic of M.

Although with Shmiras Anayim a lot of “Don’t look”.

So I didn’t look for a while, I treated it like the same way I don’t wear Shatnez, I don’t look at pritzus.

I didn’t really have any drive for it (at least not that I noticed) until 11 grade (!).

I remember in 9th grade being with some friends and hearing them talk about what they saw/had to not look at in movies or on the street and in the store or mall.

They were saying how it’s so hard not to and so pleasurable to look.

I was really confused and thought “these guys are all insane, do they also eat Cheeseburgers?! And wear Shatnez?!” Like, it’s Assur, so don’t do it. (You can laugh, looking back- It’s pretty funny)

Sometime in the end of 10th grade I was laying in bed in a weird position and was MZ”L by mistake, I still had no idea what it was.

After doing it a few more times over the next few days I put some things I had learnt together in my head and realized this was an Aveira. But it was not such an issue yet as I didn’t feel compelled to do it.

A few months later (Sometime in 11th Grade) I was out with some friends and passed by a not very modest billboard, the same type I had passed countless times in the past and had just completely ignored, the same way I ignored McDonalds.

But this time I wanted to look at it, really badly. I quickly looked away but was really shaken up.

I thought “What’s wrong with me? I learn literally all day and I want to look at something so low?!”

I basically started avoiding going out unless I had to cuz I was so scared.

After this happened a few times and I realized this was something I had to figure out/deal with, I went over to a Rebbi that I trusted.

I told him this whole background, and BH the first thing he did was to tell me that I’m normal.

But, when I asked him how to deal with it, he said to learn more in general and more Mussar in particular. So I did.

After a while of trying this, I came back to him and told him that I was pretty much learning with my every waking moment, and then being MZ”L at least 2 times a week, despite the fact that I was staying in Yeshiva all day to avoid seeing triggering things.

He was a little at a loss, which freaked me out.

I tried learning Mussar right before bed, which helped for a bit but then it didn’t.

So I started learning Gemara in my bed so I would be thinking about it while going to sleep…

There were a few more steps I tried, but long story short(ish) it wasn’t working and I thought I was a lost cause.

Then I BH found some books like “Vhaeir Einaynu” and some others.

They helped me a lot with Shmiras Einayim but only a little with M.

I was on and off with M depending on how stressful my life was on any given day.

Sometimes weeks straight without doing it, sometimes weeks straight of pretty much every night.

I stopped taking naps on Shabbos afternoon because I was afraid of acting out.

Fast forward to when I was engaged: still the same although the periods of non-stop were much fewer in between.

I thought “Once I get married, no more M and it will be so easy not to look at anything I shouldn’t”.

Ya, no.

It was easy for a few months, then it wasn’t.

(To clarify: A healthy marriage does definitely help, if you have the right guidance in this fight, which at that point, I didn’t).

At this point I still hadn’t ever looked up anything on purpose.

The transition from that to P had a lot of steps so I won’t bore you with them.

It took about 9 months.

But basically I by mistake realized I had open access, and while playing around with “Lower” levels I almost literally stumbled on P.

I was so shocked, at myself for viewing such a thing, and at the world in general that such a thing even existed.

Around the same time- Maybe a month or 2 before, maybe after- I fell much more often to M.

Pretty much every night… I basically gave up on stopping M.

Again, skipping ahead a few steps (Told myself would never watch something like that again, did it a week later and then a month later, spoke to a rebbi of mine, who didn’t really help…etc).

I wasn’t sure if I was really “Addicted” but heard about GYE and checked it out.

I looked around on it (See my previous post) and finally found out about Mentors. Thank you @Eerie for making the Shidduch.

BH since then (about 3ish months ago, I think) I managed to not M for 38 days, which doesn’t sound like much, except when I realized, with Mentor’s Chizuk,  that I hadn’t gone more than a few days without it in the last 8 months, and not more than like 2 weeks in over 6ish years!

Be”H together with my mentor and you incredible people, we’re getting there.

Definitely a long arduous journey ahead, but I can already see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Looking forward to getting to know all of you, at least virtually  

That's actually a really thoughtful question that shows you're thinking analytically about addiction - and you're not entirely off base with your reasoning!

You're right that nicotine replacement therapy (patches, gum, etc.) works by providing the addictive substance (nicotine) in a controlled, less harmful way. The key difference is delivery method - cigarettes give you nicotine plus a rapid "hit" that reinforces the addiction cycle, while patches provide steady levels without that reinforcing spike.

However, sexual addiction is neurochemically more complex than nicotine addiction. It's not just about one chemical like dopamine - it involves multiple neurotransmitter systems (dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, endorphins) working together in intricate ways. More importantly, it's the process and experience that creates the addictive cycle, not just the chemical reward.

There actually are some medications that affect these brain systems - things like SSRIs that modulate serotonin, or naltrexone which blocks opioid receptors - and they're sometimes used to help with compulsive sexual behaviors. But they're not "replacement therapy" in the same way nicotine patches are.

The deeper issue is that sexual addiction often involves psychological components - escapism, emotional regulation, trauma responses - that can't be addressed with a simple chemical substitute. That's why the most effective approaches tend to be behavioral, therapeutic, and spiritual rather than purely pharmaceutical.

Your analytical thinking is spot-on though - you're just dealing with a more complex system than nicotine addiction!

Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal - I can feel the weight you've been carrying and also the real hope in your words. It takes tremendous courage to open up like this, especially when you've felt so alone with this struggle.

What really stands out to me is your incredible self-awareness. You've identified something so important - that the root of this goes back to feeling disconnected from others, and that P&M became a substitute for real connection. That insight is actually huge and shows you're already on the right path.

It's also powerful that you recognize how your growing connection to Torah and Hashem has brought light into your life, even while this struggle has intensified. Sometimes when we start growing spiritually, these challenges can feel more pronounced because we're more aware of what we truly want for ourselves.

The fact that you had three weeks clean shows you absolutely have the ability to break this pattern. That fall doesn't erase your progress - it's information about what you need to strengthen moving forward.

You mentioned feeling like you could never talk about this with anyone, but you just did. Right here, right now, with people who truly understand what you're going through. That block you feel in connecting with others? It starts breaking down when you realize you're not the only one carrying this burden. Your desire to build authentic friendships and share more of yourself is beautiful. As you work on recovery, you'll likely find that the walls that keep you from connecting with others start coming down naturally.

You wrote exactly what you were supposed to write. This is exactly the kind of sharing that leads to healing and real connection.

What feels like the most important next step for you right now?