Oh, how I remember that first hit. The first time I used it. That sheer dopamine rush. The excitement. The illusion that someone was really there for me. The lie that this was good. That knockoff paradise.

It numbed my pain. Made me forget reality. That moment—intense pleasure surging through my body, making everything seem better. I kept chasing it, trying to recreate that first high, that euphoria. But I never could.

So I searched for more. More intense escapes. More fake intimacy. More phony vulnerability. More counterfeit love. False closeness. Illusionary pleasure. Imaginary connection. Deceptive happiness.

I wish I’d never felt it. Then maybe I wouldn’t be addicted. Wouldn’t feel the pull to go back.

The urge to get more. A bigger hit. A deeper shock.Just to dull the pain, waste more time…That illusion of connection.Of being cared for. Of finally letting myself out. Of living in that fantasy world—a place that existed only in my mind.

It erased the pain. Made me forget the sorrow.The inner chaos—The trauma. The guilt. The shame...

Oh, how I wish I had never gotten addicted…

To posting on the GYE forum!

I believe you post this mostly in jest, but I feel there may be a kernel of truth beneath it all. I will write from my perspective, I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts.
Whether I like it or not, when I are starved for connection, validation or love, I seek it in every human interaction and latch onto it wherever I find it. Sometimes I may "find" it in lust, sometimes in social media, others in the coffee room or kiddush club hock. But the truth is that because I lack self belief and value inside myself, every form of external approval, validation or love will inevitable wear off at some point and then I'm left with plain old me and my same old problem - I dont really love or believe in myself. 
The greatness of GYE is that the mentors push one to do the work of developing self acceptance, belief and love, so even though it can be abused, it is a place that is geared to health.

That's a great point Alex94. I totally resonate with the feeling that whatever you choose to forget your pain - even healthy activities, eventually life reminds you that the problem is inside of you and you have to learn to deal with it.

In my previous post, I was referring to my uncontrollable urge to surf the GYE for hours on end, wasting large fractions of my day trying to find that story that will make me cry again, feel that empathy, connect to the emotions. 

After my first post, all the replies. That feeling that someone out there you don't know is there for you, has your back.

I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do is check if someone replied to my post. Liked my post. Through out the day I always have the Urge to procrastinate and waste hours on hours scrolling through the forums.

Oh, how I wish I didn't get addicted!                                        

I knew that some sentences might upset some people. Like "The illusion that someone was really there for me."

But as the joke goes.

Q: What is green, hangs on the wall, and whistles?

A: A herring. It's green because I painted it green, it hangs on the wall because I hung it there, and it whistles just to confuse you.

thanks for sharing your feelings