Hey welcome! 

You came to the right place. GYE is a community of people working together to help each other beat the YH. Sounds like you'll fit right in

It sounds like you've made tremendous progress on your own. That is truly impressive and you should pat yourself on the back for having come so far. 

Stick around and check out some of the excellent resources on the site. See the Flight to Freedom program to help you learn about your struggle and some powerful tools to help you fight, and the excellent book the Battle of the Generation to help you reframe the struggle as an opportunity. (Links are in my signature.) The most powerful resource is of course the chevra. Connect to friends, find a mentor, and keep on fighting.

The 90 day chart has official rules - I'm pretty sure looking at Youtube thumbnails for a second doesn't violate them. That being said, many guys have found Youtube to be a very slippery slope and that cutting out youtube was a huge help.

I relate to your work computer issue very strongly. My work computer was a huge issue for me until one day, with endless support from the guys here, I put on my big boy pants and asked my boss for permission to install a filter. Guess what happened?

I got fired.

That's a joke. I didn't get fired, it was no big deal, and I installed the filter. The filter has been a huge help. Putting on my big boy pants and asking was also important (for me, at that stage. Happy to schmooze about that more if you'd like.) In short, in might be more possible to put on the filter than you think.

Until that point, there are browser extensions that are helpful. Wizimage that will block all images, and there are various site blocking extensions you can use to block specific sites. Because they work on the browser, not the computer, and are so easy to remove, they are more just temporary stopgaps to help you in the short term (though Wizimage is very helpful in general).

Although filters are a very important tool, it's doable to get clean with consistent use of unfiltered internet. That's because the change works on you, not on the computer. But why make life harder for yourself?

Hatzlacha and keep on trucking!

chosemyshem wrote on 27 Aug 2024 14:23:

Thank you for the warm welcom! That post from Chaims Oigen sums it up beautifully.

Hey welcome! Great thread title.

You came to the right place. GYE is a community of people working together to beat this thing. And by "this thing" I mean whatever level of the struggle. We've got guys here all across the spectrum. From people who have never seen porn all the way to people who have acted out in ways that would probably give you an std from just thinking about it. 

It sounds like you've made tremendous progress on your own. That is truly impressive and you should pat yourself on the back for having come so far. 

Stick around and check out some of the excellent resources on the site. See the Flight to Freedom program to help you learn about your struggle and some powerful tools to help you fight, and the excellent book the Battle of the Generation to help you reframe the struggle as an opportunity. (Links are in my signature.) The most powerful resource is of course the chevra. Connect to friends, find a mentor, and keep on fighting.

I, and many guys here, can strongly relate to the slippery slope we fall into when using entertainment (check out this excellent post for one perspective). Filters are amazing and necessary, but not sufficient. I don't know what your general feelings on entertainment are, but for me, it feels like I can't use something that normal people can use since it inevitably leads me to places that I don't want to go to. Accepting that has been very helpful for me. 

Hatzlacha and keep on trucking!

chosemyshem wrote on 21 Aug 2024 13:37:

Thanks! I have a very-genuine interest in getting clean

healingsquirrel71 wrote on 21 Aug 2024 05:08:

GYE is the most non-denominational frum organization out there. 

Primarily because lust is a human problem not a religious problem.

Identify however you want. The only criteria for admission here is a semi-genuine interest in getting clean

Hatzlacha and keep on trucking!

imagibbor wrote on 11 Aug 2024 14:25:

Hey, I can totally relate to what you said in your first post. the trying to stop as hard as you can and it just building up day after day untill the preassure is just to much. It's not fun (understatement of the year)
I just wanted to expound on the ODAAT from my experience.
[this is what worked for me, but it dosnt work for everyone]
For myself, telling myself that i'm not going to do it today and subconsciously thinking not tomorrow either just didn't work for me. I needed to know that I could do it again if needed, and if I couldn't, the preassure would start building.
Therefore, I would tell myself 'not today, but I can do it tomorrow.' specifically wording it so that I don't subconsciously focus on the forever. This helped relieve some of the preassure build up, and every day I would just retell myself that. (warning: I needed to retell myself every day, and if I didn't, I had an excuse that yesterday I didn't do it cause I said I would today and it's now today....)
The past is past, and the future has yet to come (and since I don;t know what it hold's,why worry about it now?), all I have to deal with is the present
I hoped that this helps you at least a little, and I think I speak for everyone here when I say that we are rooting for you.
Keep on trucking and never give up.
Wishing you much hatzlach,
Ezra W

hundredbrachos wrote on 16 Aug 2024 15:14:

Congrats on hitting chai! Keep on trucking to chayim and beyond.

Excellent question. 

I'm not sure I have an answer, and I'm definitely no expert in the F2F program tools. I thought CURE was just a tracking exercise to help you get a handle on what in your life triggers you and how you respond. What happened, how did that make you feel, how did you respond, and how did that response make you feel. Then you need to do the hard work of deciding which responses make your life better, setting up your life to avoid urges as much as practically possible, and implementing different responses instead of the ones that have negative effects (as you said). 

So the broader question is how to respond to urges without using up all your willpower? Just saying "NO" sometimes works, but isn't really sustainable long term for most people. I'm not an expert but I'll share some things I've learnt and tried that seem to work for me.

Urge surfing - just sit and accept that you have an urge, that it's not a "bad" thing to have an urge but you don't have to give in to it. Often that alone will let the urge go. If not, then sitting there and davening is pretty darn powerful. Ask Hashem to help you live the life he wants you to live. Reaching out and connecting with a chaver (or anyone) and sharing how you're feeling is a very powerful tool as well (but admittedly difficult sometimes). Many many people have had hatzlacha with reframing the urge as an opportunity to become close to Hashem and embracing it as a joyful opportunity to not act out. 
There are small, easy things to do as well like just distracting yourself with something kosher. 

Willpower and self-control are finite resources. Just saying "NO" a.k.a. white-knuckling uses a lot of willpower and burns out (for most people. There are exceptions to every rule except the rule "do what works for you".) Additionally, you're not changing anything - you're just not doing the thing you want to do because you don't think it's good for you.

But the types of responses listed here don't use up nearly as much willpower. It's hard to not do what you want. It's not so hard to wait a minute, or pick up the phone. On top of that, these responses have added benefits. Connecting to someone honestly is dynamite to lust. Davening in response is a potentially life-changing connection to Hashem. Reframing an urge as an opportunity to become closer to Hashem and embracing the joy of not acting out is a while different life. 

Hope this was clear and answered your question. (Happy to schmooze about any of this if it wasn't clear. PM me for my number or email to the address in my signature). KOM100BAT!

Adam so good to have you back. Regardless of the help you get out of it, I get a lot of encouragement from your posts.

Mazel tov on the wedding!

A new pair of tefillin sounds like an expensive symbol. There are some great organizations that enable you to sponsor a pair of tefillin for an israeli soldier - maybe donate a pair and keep the receipt in your tefillin bag and that can be your symbol. Or consider taking your tefillin to a reliable sofer to get checked and let that be symbol. 

Keep on trucking! (And by the way, if you're looking to get to know some of the boys offline please feel free to reach out.)

When I was a bachur in ey (less than a year ago - I'm making myself sound much older than I am lol), I would practice walking in the streets with my head down, not looking ahead more than a foot or two. This practice came with two benefits:
1. By the time something inappropriate caught my eye it was already to late to turn around and start staring. 
And 2. All those idiots that are always taking up the whole sidewalk and making you go around them Literally SCATTER out of the way of the deranged guy who's walking straight at them who looks like he has no idea where he's going.
I totally commiserate with your situation, I struggled with the same thing in my 2+ years in what they call the 'holy' land. At this point I feel like thats the only thing that's left that's actually holy...I always wished it was the winter already just so I wouldn't have to put up with all that the streets had to offer. But you should always remember that every time you look away is a very very choshuva thing.
So keep your head held high ( while looking down of course!!) and keep on trucking!! 
We're all rootin for ya!!
Inittowin.

imagibbor wrote on 11 Aug 2024 03:49:

Some really great insightful answers on this thread. I'll just add one point.

If you think that you need this stuff, so like a starving man you'll fast for a day or two (or 12). But eventually you'll need to eat.
You need to change your mindset.

You need to start feeling like you don't need lust to live. That you can live life on life's terms without escaping to lust. That sex is optional. However, you want to phrase it, if you're just holding on day by day eventually you'll explode. You need to change your mindset so it's not hanging on each day, it's thriving every day.

Waaaaay easier said than done.

Hatzlacha and keep on trucking!

vwgye52024 wrote on 07 Aug 2024 23:21:

Definitely relate to this scenario. I had a few month period awhile back where I would stick around in the office after work since I had to go to an appointment in the area an hour or two after work ended. Officially I had stuff to do then, but it was a pretty kavua porn session for awhile. 
I don't have many eitzos since I struggle with this too still to some extent. But I can share what I've tried doing.
1) Just leave when you get an urge. You know you're not getting more work done if you're acting out so you might as well just leave. (What has occasionally helped me actually leave then is to tell my wife I'm leaving.)
2) Filter the office computer. Not foolproof but helpful.
3) Accountability partner - you text when you realize you are alone in the office and text again when you left.

Hatzlacha and keep on trucking!

I'm with vehkam on this. I'm a mere 91 days into my journey and can tell you I spent many many hours viewing interesting genre's..... 

When you kick the habit, you'll see the specific porn challenges fall away....

Keep on trucking!!!!

Muttel

Hey, I just saw your thread. Seems like you've been on here awhile and learnt a lot of the tips and tricks gye has to offer. 

Have you spoken to anyone here. Remaining anonymous feels safe, but opening up to someone else is extremely powerful.

If I can be so bold as to make a suggestion - why don't you email/pm amavakesh or chaimoigen? I think you'll find that they're very warm and understanding - and will understand your particular flavor of the battle very well.

Hatzlacha and keep on trucking!

relaxed wrote on 02 Aug 2024 02:56:

Hey welcome!

Thank you for the share, and you came to the right place. Check out some of the links in my signature for a taste of the tools GYE can offer, such as the F2F program (which can help you understand your struggle and will teach you some powerful tools for dealing with it); the Battle of the Generation (a powerful book on reframing the entire struggle); and Dov's 12 step workshops (a concentrated dose of the Torah of the 12 steps, and what it means to live a life with Hashem). Finally, the best resource is the chevra around here. When you feel comfortable, picking up the phone and connecting with someone you feel safe with (and btw, there are plenty of your fellow rabbis on here) is an extremely powerful tool to getting clean.

If I can make a suggestion. You write that your issue is a self-esteem issue, not lust. Someone here once posted "porn is a bad answer to a good question." Meaning, life is tough (sometimes exacerbated by our own personal flaws) and porn/lust/hotlines are a very soothing way of dealing with problems. You can learn to deal with lust and stop using it as a solution without directly addressing your self-esteem issues (I think). Obviously, it'll be a very helpful to deal with those issues, and a therapist can be very helpful for that. 

Hatzlacha and keep on trucking!

jewizard21 wrote on 26 Jul 2024 03:47:

Heckuva lot of maturity and wisdom in that post. The only part I think is wrong is that first sentence

But that's a different schmooze and iirc you posted your following the advice of your Rabbis.
Keep on trucking!