This thread will contain a list of many evidence-based methods to dealing with urges.

Urge Management techniques are for everyone. No matter what program you use to quit, it will always include techniques for dealing with urges. This thread will cover all the evidence-based methods of dealing with urges. 

If you master techniques for dealing with urges, you'll be able to stay clean even if there's nothing external that is stopping you. If you're serious about recovery, try to learn about all these techniques, and pick the ones you think will work best for you (and add them to your plan). Then, with trial and error, you'll find out if those techniques really work for you or if you should try other ones. You can also switch your techniques from time to time to keep things interesting... 

The list of method can be found below.

Note: I've tried to find out which methods are more effective than others, but couldn't find anything conclusive. 8 studies have found that almost all methods are equal, while 6 studies have found that there are differences. Also, most these studies have been done on people struggling with smoking and alcohol. It's possible that with porn and mastrubation, the rankings would be different. I've ordered the list below informally according to how many of studies I've found have actually recommended these methods.  
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1. Distract yourself - by doing something else (16 studies pro, 1 against)
2. Remembering the pros of abstinence (12 studies pro, 0 against)
3. Delay (12 studies pro, 1 against)
4. Urge Surfing/Mindfulness (9 studies pro, 0 against)
5. Remembering Cons / Recall negative consequences (10 studies pro, 0 against)
6. Distract yourself - by thinking about something else (12 studies pro, 3 against)
7. Relaxation/Breathing/Meditation (11 studies pro, 1 against)
8. Coping / Mastery Statements (8 studies pro, 1 against)
9. Escape / Avoidance (7 studies pro, 0 against)
10. Acceptance/Mindfulness (7 studies pro, 0 against)
11. Substitution (9 studies pro, 2 against)
12. Dispute Thoughts (5 studies pro, 0 against)
13. Imagery Techniques (6 studies pro, 1 against)
14. Reach out for social support (6 studies pro, 2 against)
15. Remembering substance-related successes (3 studies pro, 0 against)
16. Exercise - during an urge (4 studies pro, 2 against)

In the post below, I'll describe each of the techniques in more detail.

Introduction: Why these techniques work?

When you have an urge to do something, the urge will usually go away by itself after a short time. If you have an urge to scratch a mosquito bite, how long does the itch last if you do nothing? Maybe a few minutes. The same thing happens with urges to engage in a behavior. If you do nothing, the urge will be gone in a few minutes.

The exact amount of time can vary from person to person, but it rarely lasts longer than 20 minutes. (Unless you are exposed to a trigger such as an immodestly dressed person, or if you are purposely fantasizing etc.)

That’s right, if you don’t give in to the urge, you won’t explode, it will eventually get weaker and disappear. The techniques below are about training yourself to withhold from acting on the urge until the urge has passed.

As you practice these techniques for a few weeks, you’ll brain will start unlearning the habit of masturbating and watching porn, and over time, the urges will become less intense and less frequent.

Distract yourself - by doing something else
Make a list of possible distracting activities you can engage in when you have an urge, and add it to your plan. Find something that you think can really distract you. It needs to be something interesting that will grab your attention. Pacing back and forth in the room won’t do the trick...

Since your mind can’t think about 2 things at once, the distraction will redirect your attention away from the urge and into something else. Some examples are calling a friend or family member, playing a game, reading a good book (you might want to reserve a book just for this purpose), exercise, or taking a walk outside.

Be realistic, for some people a sefer can be distracting enough. For others, they’ll need a good (kosher) movie to do the trick. By the time you have an urge, it will be hard to come up with ideas of how to distract yourself. But if you plan in advance exactly what you will do and include them in your plan, you can start a distracting activity the moment you get an urge.

Remembering the pros of abstinence
Sometimes when we have an urge, our thinking becomes blurred, and we can't remember why we decided to quit. To use this technique summarize the list of benefits of staying clean (if you've done a Cost - Benefit Analysis - CBA, you'll can take the list from there), and keep it handy. Then next time you have an urge, read the list and think about the great benefits you'll gain if you resist the urge.  

Delay 
Make a commitment that no matter what, you won’t act on an urge right away. Instead you’ll wait at least 20 minutes (or some other amount of time). Hopefully, by then the urge will have passed. If you want to use this technique, decide how many minutes you are ready to wait, and add it to your plan.
Even if you ended up watching porn or mastrubating after 20 minutes, congratulate for at least sticking to your plan! You’re still better off than if you have done it right away. By refusing to gratify yourself instantly, you have strengthened your self-control muscles which is good for your long term success. If this happens repeatedly, try increasing the number of minutes, until you find the amount of time that works best for you. It’s also possible that your urges last longer than usual because your actively focusing on it (e.g. fantasizing about what you’re like to watch). If you notice such a pattern, try to spice up your delay technique to make it more practical, for example instead of just waiting for 20 minutes, commit to do some activity for 20 minutes, like taking a walk.   

SMART Recovery has a spin-off technique called Deny & Delay. Here's how they describe it:



Mindfulness / Surf the Urge

Mindfulness is a very broad area and has been gaining a lot popularity in recent years. For now I'll discus a mindfulness style technique called "Urge Surfing". This technique was first described in Relapse Prevention (1985) p. 10 and p. 241, and has been gaining popularity ever since.The short description below doesn't do justice to the topic, but it's a start... 

Just like a surfer knows how to ride a wave without getting hurt, and urge surfer learns how to let an urge come and pass without getting affected. When an urge comes, observe it curiously, as if you are an outside observer. Think to yourself, “Hmm… here comes the urge, I wonder where it came from. It’s not my true desire, the proof is my CBA. It’s just a fleeting urge coming from who-knows-where, like images in a dream…” Keep on observing the urge, noticing how it feels, until it reaches its peak. Then notice how the urge gets weaker and weaker until it disappears. By doing this, you just sit (or lie down) and do nothing when you get an urge. You don’t fight it, and you don’t try to distract yourself. You just observe it until it’s gone.

This technique is very powerful, because all it requires is your mind. Even when you have no way to distract yourself, and don’t have the energy to fight, you can still use the technique. However this technique takes some time to practice. So if you want to include it in your plan, try to practice urge surfing for everyday things until you become good at it. For example, when you feel the urge to eat a 5th cookie at midnight, try to “surf the urge”.

An idea that goes along with this technique is externalizing the urge. Instead of identifying with your urge, view it as a response to some external trigger or situation. Instead of thinking “I need to watch porn right now,'' think “I’m currently experiencing an urge to watch porn”.

Recall negative consequences
Anytime you start thinking about the benefits of porn or masturbation, use it as a reminder to start thinking about the negative consequences. This can help somewhat neutralize the urge, or at least give you enough motivation to resist the urge. Your CBA can help you find out what the negative consequences are for you.
In The Porn Myth by Matthew Fradd, he describes it like this:


Another variation is to think about both the negative consequences and the the pros of quitting. The SMART handbook recommends:


Similarly, in Changeology, Dr. John Norcross writes:

Distract yourself - by thinking about something else
In contrast to the distraction technique mentioned earlier, this one is about redirecting your attention by using your mind alone (cognitive only). This seems to be more helpful for low intensity urges. The benefit of this is that since it's all in your head, you can do it immediately, no matter what situation you are in. Here are some suggestions on how to do this:






In The Porn Trap, the author suggests:


Dr. Thomas Horvath in his Workbook for Overcoming Addictions writes:

Horvath also gives the following examples:

• Subtract numbers (for instance, subtract 7 from 1,000 and get 993, subtract 7 again and get 986, subtract 7 again, and so on)
• Say the alphabet backwards
• Read words backwards (say the word correctly but read the sequence backwards: "backwards words read")
• Play the "alphabet game" by looking at license plates, book titles or a printed page and find an A, then a B, then a C, etc.
• Tighten the muscles in your body in a particular sequence, over and over (tighten your feet, then your calves, then your thighs, then your pelvis, then your stomach, then your chest, then your shoulders, then your neck, then your face, over and over again) / reach into your pocket or purse and attempt to identify coins or other objects there just by feel.

Now להבדיל בין חול לקודש, there are plenty sources for this idea (called היסח הדעת) in Torah sources. Here's a list of references, and be"h in the future, I'll post the actual quotes:

Redirecting attention to neutral things
ספר חסידים אות ד' וראה שם סי' תתרמה
טעמי המצות להר"ר מנחם ריקאנטי בל"ת צ"ד
כתר ראש להגר"ח מוולאזין אות קל"ו
לקוטי מוהר"ן ח"א סי' רלג
קריינא דאיגרתא ח"א סי' טז
שו"ת אדרת תפארת ח"ג סי' ל"ב בשם בנין יוסף פ"ד
שבט מוסר פי"ב
תניא פרק יב
Redirecting attention to Torah
בבא בתרא טז, א וברש"י ד"ה משכהו לבית המדרש
זוהר ח"א קצ, א
רמב"ם הלכות איסורי ביאה סוף פרק כג
שו"ע אבן העזר סי' כג סעיף ג
צל"ח ברכות ה, א
תניא פרק יב ופרק כח
קריינא דאיגרתא ח"א סי' טז
אגרות האדמו"ר מחב"ד ח"ג אגרת ד'תקמח וחלק כ אגרת ז'תצ
שומר אמונים יד, ב
דרכי החיים ח"א ע' תה

Today I started getting a slight urge ... I banged my hand against the table in a gesture of "NO! not going there" , all my good ideas are very good after the initial decision that it's not even a remote option to let the urge go further.

The sefer divrei yechezkal (shinev) says by yosef hatzadik on the word  וַיְמָאֵ֓ן ‎(he denied to be with the wife of potiphar)   the reason there is a shalsheles there is that when the yetzer comes to a person to tell him to sin, don't start to argue and explain to him why not to do it, he's much smarter than you and you'll lose...just say NO!!!!!!  3 times!then you can start having discussions and telling him the reasons...

DavidT wrote on 05 Feb 2020 20:38:

I find the benefits of all the options enumerated above on how to deal with urges is the fact that they are not merely about saying no. Nice vort from the Divrei Yechezkal!

Very useful and practical thread, thank you.

Relaxation/Breathing/Meditation
This technique is about trying to calm ourselves down until the urge subsides.

Take a breather. Take a few deep breaths, inhaling and exhaling slowly. Slow down your physical cravings and your runaway thinking. Relaxation will get you through a surprising number of potential slips. —Changeology

"Sit back, breathe easy, let your muscles and mind go for a while, and tell yourself to be calm."  —Changing for Good

The Candeo Program suggests a variation of this called Gratitude Breathing to help specifically with sexual thoughts.

"When you feel sexual thoughts or urges start to come onto the stage of your mind, either during scheduled practice or in real life, immediately begin gratitude breathing."

I'm personally not familiar with gratitude breathing, but there is an abundance of information about it on the web.

In The Porn Trap, author W. Maltz provides additional info about how relaxation can help:

"Thinking about using porn can trigger certain physiological reactions, such as changes in heart rate, blood pressure, genital blood flow, and pupil dilation... In addition, anticipating using porn can trigger the release of dopamine and other pleasure-related chemicals in the brain... This is why it is so important to figure out how to calm yourself, both physiologically and emotionally, once your sexual energy has become activated."

This book then gives some practical suggestions of how to relax with breathing exercises. Here's another technique from the same book:

"Another helpful approach is to massage the outer area of your ears, a spot that can induce relaxation and calm.
Massaging your feet can also quiet your agitated mind and body by helping move your attention and energy away from sexual excitation and toward feeling good in a non-sexual way. Some people find that quiet prayer or meditation helps create feelings of calm and relaxation, while still others prefer burning off excess agitated energy through vigorous exercise, such as jogging, lifting weights, or riding a bike."

In Fortify, it's included as part of their STAR technique:

"Take a few conscious breaths. This allows you to focus your attention in one place and settle your mind. If you can, close your eyes and notice the lungs fill up with air slowly, and then release... Brain scientists are discovering that something as simple as conscious breathing can help calm the body and mind, in part, by slowing or short-circuiting the chemical rush to the brain in a difficult moment."

SMART mentions this technique, but doesn't push it so much. 

The only Torah source I found for this technique is in the writings of R' Shlomo of Zevil. In the Sefer Yesod Tzadik (p. 203), he writes as follows:

In the footnote he interprets the posuk וקווי ה' יחליפו כח in the sense that breathing (יחליפו כח) can help those that seek kedusha (קווי השם):
על ידי החלפת כח הנשימה ניתן חיות לקווי ה.

On page 204, he even mentions gratitude breathing!
אמר שהכיר יהודי אחד (כידוע דרכו לא לומר על עצמו) ששנה שלמה נהג שבכל פעם שהכניס נשימה הודה להקדוש ברוך הוא על זה וכן בכל פעם שהוציא נשימה.
This concept is also hinted to in Bereishis Raba:
ר' לוי בשם ר' חנינא אומר: על כל נשימה ונשימה שאדם נושם צריך לקלס לבוראו. מאי טעמא? "כל הנשמה תהלל י-ה" - כל הנשימה תהלל י-ה.

Coping / Mastery Statements
This strategy is really simple, it involves telling yourself that you can handle the urge without acting on it. Here are some examples of coping statements:

• "Even though it sucks that I have to deal with X problem, [porn] isn’t going to help me.” (This instead of thinking, “I deserve [porn] because I have to deal with X problem,” — SMART Handbook
• "I can do it". —Hester & Miller p. 228
• “Yes, I can.” (Remind yourself in no uncertain terms that you have resisted successfully many times before. Affirm your resilience.)  —Changeology

Here's another bunch from A Workbook for Overcoming Addictions (Horvath):

• This craving will go away in a while if I don’t act on it. If I do act on it, it will return shortly, and probably be even stronger than this one.
• If I don't act on it, this craving will go away, and eventually all of them will go away or become so small as not to be a bother.
• The craving itself won't hurt me.
• It's normal to have a craving for now, because I just began changing. In time they will be gone.
• This craving can’t force me to do anything, I’m the one in control.

You can also come up with your own...

• This is only a nisayon, I can handle it.
• Hashem knows I can handle this urge. It's hard but I can do it.
• I've handled many urges already -- I'm __ days clean on the 90 day chart! I can do this!
• This urge is super uncomfortable, but it's not unbearable. I'm not gonna die from it. It will soon go away... and I'll feel great about myself for resisting.
• Let me just focus on today. I can stay clean one day / hour / minute / at a time.

How to use this technique: Choose or compose a statement based on the ideas above and tell it to yourself next time you have urge. You can memorize it, or write down somewhere and keep it handy.  

Escape / Avoidance
This is a broad category that includes:

• Avoiding urges, triggers and temptations
• Placing physical barriers that will prevent us from acting out even when we have an urge (e.g. having a good filter or kosher phone).
• It also includes "escaping". E.g. if we have an urge to watch porn, you can just leave the room without your phone until the urge subsides. Or if we have an urge to masturbate, we can take a walk in a public place.

This is especially useful if you're not confident yet that you can handle strong urges without slipping. However, it's not practical to rely only this method because it will never be fool proof.

In this week's Parsha it talks about how the Yidden escaped Mitzrayim - כי ברח העם . It's explained in seforim that the reason they needed to escape was not because there was a physical risk of staying in Mitzrayim, rather it was a spiritual risk. The Yidden have sunk into the 49 shaarei tumah, and it was only an "outside" force - Hashem - that was protecting them. That's why they need to escape. Later in the next 49 days, they did internal work to prepare themselves for Matan Torah. Changing our environment externally without internal change is called "escape". But it definitely has its place! 

There are many Torah sources for this method:

• Shabbos 13a (סחור סחור לכרמא לא תקרב)
• Sanhderin 107a (לעולם אל יביא אדם עצמו לידי נסיון שהרי דוד מלך ישראל הביא עצמו לידי נסיון ונכשל)
• Nusach Hatefillah (ואל תביאנו לא לידי נסיון ולא לידי בזיון)
• Mesilas Yeshorim Ch. 13
• And much more...

This is a very broad topic and there's a dedicated thread for it at guardyoureyes.com/forum/54-SMART-Recovery/346961

Hi Menachem,

This is a great thread with lots of good ideas. I felt I should share here some articles that I have sent to people on dealing with urges. Hopefully it will help someone out.

I will give you a little perspective on urges. One of the reasons why many people are unsuccessful in dealing with their urges is not because they don't try fighting them. It's because they try so hard to fight them and therefore they give their urges more strength.

Getting urges is 100% normal it is part of being a healthy human. All healthy human beings will get urges especially if we have fallen in the past, it is normal to get an urge and you don't need to be ashamed or scared about the fact that an urge popped into your head.

Have you ever seen a rain drop on a teflon umbrella it is an amazing sight the raindrop does not sink in to the umbrella but at the same time it is still on top of the umbrella. This is the way we should urge-surf our urges we shouldn't allow ourselves to sink into the thoughts but at the same time panicking about the fact that we got an urge and trying so hard to get rid of them will just cause them to stick even more as the expression goes "What you resist, persists." so we need to replace our panic and fight of the urges with non-judgemental curiosity of them..... "What does an urge feel like" Which part of your body do you feel it in" "from 1-10 how strong does it feel" and then without judgment keep observing it "does it change" "is it getting stronger or weaker" and again despite the answer there is no reason to judge. Give your urges a name such as "my goofy friend" The "used car salesmen" is back . Then think about the beliefs your urge might be telling you? For example it might be telling you "that you will feel really awesome by acting out" "you have no option but to act out" "You deserve to act out" are those beliefs rational or irrational? Look at your cost benefit analysis does acting out really make you feel better on a long-term basis? Again without judgment. just being mindful and non judgemental laugh at the silly ideas and beliefs your goofy friend is telling you. This is what Urge-Surfing is all about.

Now it does take practice until you get good at replacing panic with non-judgemental curiosity of our urges..... so until you get better maybe get out of bed do some self care activities, drink a tea or get distracted for a bit but the more you practice these tools the better you'll get at it and your urges will have a lot less power over you. 

All the best,
Yaakov

Here is a link to a great article and many useful recordings to practice Urge Surfing written by MenachemGYE https://intercom.help/gye-faq/en/articles/4596414-urge-surfing-includes-audio

All the best,
Yaakov

It is normal that once in a while we can be having extremely strong withdrawal symptoms and extremely strong urges. When we have extremely strong withdrawal symptoms or urges it's important besides for urge surfing to do other healthy feel good activities that will also release dopamine into our body.

-Something I highly recommend when you feel too much sexual stress is a good workout. It will release dopamine and help you feel better

- Disputing your beliefs. (ABC-Tool, see this thread, DIB Tool see this thread ) many times the fact that you believe that it's too much and it's unbearable will actually make it unbearable meaning you actually start physically feeling what you tell yourself. Thinking about your beliefs and disputing them and showing how they are irrational will help you realize that the build up is in your head.

- Many times we confuse what we are feeling, we think it's an urge but in reality it's really fear that's paralyzing us as opposed to an urge. Therefore by us getting scared and trying so hard to get rid of it, what we are in essence doing is causing our fear to get even worse. Try practicing acceptance that we are feeling extremely fearful and accept the fact that our emotions have gone beyond our control and that is okay, it's just an emotion. Give up trying to control your emotions/urges as trying to control something that is beyond our control just causes our emotions to get worse.

-As opposed to fighting the urge and concentrating on how to not fall (The "Sur Merah"), Concentrate on self care and some healthy activities you can do now (The "Asei Tov")

All the best,
Yaakov