Hi HS, welcome back and congratulations!!!

welcome back
exciting to hear about your graduation
what's on par for next year?

Shteebs!!!

Hi there

hi HS,
long time no speak
good to see you on gye
mazel tov on the gradulation!

spending the year in the holy land.
so far so good. 2 times on gye within a week of each other

btw....good to be seen on gye

k to be rigorously honest last night the minhag of my school is that all the families of the graduates come and have a big dinner before the actual graduation. and my family was only a few ppl so we got put at the same table as another family of my friend. and my friend had a sister. we didnt necessarily actually talk. i had to be polite so a couple times i said something to her it felt awkward but it reminded me of the days when i spoke to girls and made me miss those days. i also have here image in my head.
i am helpless to addiciton, hashem please help me, only u can help me.

i love parshas tzitzis. ever since i was young i always loved it to the point that i learned how to make it. aspecially once i started getting addicted to lust i put a lot of emphasis on tzitzis....as we know that they say that there is a segualh to look at them. i even learned how to make every shita of tzitizis...... wellll originally i had a good thought that this was going to lead into but as i started typing i forgot it. ( no i dont have short term memory....i just got distracted by other people when i started typing)
gut shabbas

may I suggest that you look at your tzitzis so you'll remember...
וראיתם אותו וזכרתם
MT

how is everyone doing.
hashem has been giving me much help even though it is the summer and we all know that this nissayon is stronger during the summer.
the fact that i am doing much better now is probably connected to the fact that i came back to GYE

im ready to admit that im probably not completly emotionaly healthy.
i have low self esteem,
i am very self conscious
i have tendencies to be depressed.

im not sure if i ever realized these before. im sure i have made posts admitting these issues before but any other time i have i probably tried to deny it by saying that it not true and said that any issue was probably because of the situations i was in. aspecially cus of the enviroment i was in at school.
well here i am, finished with school and still have issues.
i am fully admitting these issues.
what now.
(dov what do u have to say?)

no comments?

HashemsSoldier wrote on 22 Jun 2012 03:13:


Essentially you are saying that you are growing up a bit. You are getting a tiny objective glimpse of yourself. That often happens when we change environments (end of year, new job or new friends) or go through big events (win lottery, get married, lose a loved one, get seriously ill or injured).

Whne I get that, it feels kind of good, wholesome. It gives me a feeling of hope, as though maybe with this clearer perspective, I'll do a better job this time.

Unfortunately, it never, ever lasts very long. Maybe a few days or a week. Then 'shigrah' sets in, as Alei Shur puts it. We learn how to 'fit in' with our new situation just fine - with all our good old familiar coping mechanisms and idiosyncrasies - in other words, our defects of character.

So what now?

What you have admitted is so important and so basic that it is not part of any step - admitting these 'issues' is certainly not the 4th step. Its just a glimpse in the mirror. Your eyes are a bit more open now - and that's great.

So, what now?

Well, I suggest you decide of you are living today - not this week or the past year or this lifetime...but just today - along good, wholesome, honest and real spiritual lines? Pursuing 'the maximum of kedusha possible' is probably poison for you, as it is surely is for so many of us. More than most other self-centered pursuits of ours, it is based on gayvoh: the true, deep, inner expectation of "GREATNESS". To vy with the gedolei olam, to hold with the likes of Yosef hatzaddik or Rabee Akiva. To - as rav Noach Weinberg used to admit - expect and hope to be the moshiach himself. A tzaddik in our time.

No wonder we are so self-pitying, No wonder we have such low self-esteem and tend toward the depressive! It's not because of an essential self-esteem problem, at all - it is because of our immature arrogance! We truly, secretly hope and expect to be 'the best guy in yeshivah'...and we just are not. Mediocrity is disgusting to us. So we end up seeing ourselves as failures at life...and most acutely, as failures in yiddishkeit.

And on top of that we masturbated ourselves and wasted sperm on the ground and did all that damage...boy, have we let G-d down...

I used to think that way all the time...though I never saw it until after I gave it up.

With sick, childish, self-obsessed (yet very spiritual) thinking like all that, no wonder we end up hurting so much that we have to masturbate ourselves again and again - just to medicate our pain and self-loathing!

So, what next?

I dunno. Do you want to work the steps? Do you want to read and work on the book UUAJ suggested to you at the begining of this thread bt Rav Avigdor Millr zt"l on Chovos halevavos? Do you want to hold your breath with all the others who say that all you need to do is 'hold back the yetzer hora'...till you can't any more (at least you get to reap all the schar for all the hisgabrus till then! Yippe.)...Do you have a plan for engaging in real life this summer in a way that will exercise your Usefulness Muscles without getting all twisted up into the familiar pretzel of self-analysis and ruchniyusdigeh self-obsession that you and I know oh, so well?

Whats next, indeed?

ok the 1st response i have...my lust doesnt make me depressed. the other areas of depression i have might lead to lust but lust does not lead to further depression for me anymore. lust now makes me looks at what i was feeling at the time and what i was thinking at the time of fall.

2nd, i have a schedule for my summer. im keeping busy and useful. someone pre-baught a meggilah from me that im putting a lot of time into finishing.....have a number of chavrusas set up....i have an out of country wedding i will spend 2 weeks at.....im not sitting and doing nothing.

3rd....since i have started putting more effort into making it back to this forum, i ahve also been putting more effort into improving myself. started rading chizzuk emails again. starting the 12 steps again. lookign for moree to start doing.

4th.....the truth is that the specific thing that provocted me to make that post of admitance to depression and more is becasue of a specific event. there is one person in my life that has helped me enormously and also his family to which in turn i have put in so much effort into trying to connect with him...more specifically a rav. the only problem is that HE DOESNT TALK TO ME. he doenst shmuz with me (im not saying that he is specifically ignoring me but that is what i feel like) this is as much as i will say on the public post. now, this bothers me tremendously that after all this effort he doesnt talk to me. this itsefl has led me to depressing thoughts (actually it just added onto previous feelings of being isolated...these earlier feeling were not motivated by lust....) this is where the depressive thoughts and feeling i mentioned com from. then i tried to figure out why this makes me feel that way to which i came to the conclusion that i have a low self esteem. and i am very self conscious

i dont think that this is motivated by me wanting to be the best and not settleing with mediocrity

I get it, thanks for clarifying.

But why is it that we can give so much power to another person and essentially end up giving anotherthe reigns of our own self-concept, joy, and sheleimus?

its an extremely long story....actually my entire life story leads into this one person. he was there when i needed him. i gave up for him. i did so much.

how can i not be bothered form the fact that he doesnt talk to me?
meaning, i know that in fact he does care for me, i am a ben bayis by him, ive spent so much time for him and with him. im very close with his family (except him teenage daughter, i have managed to have barely talk to her) the only thing is that when it comes to just being me and him i just have nothing to say....absolutly nothing. i want to shmuz with him but when i try to say something he kinda just gives a quick answer....and thats it. u kinda get the picture. i think its becasue he has gotten so used to me that its just like im there (not sure if that made sence)
u getting the picture?