Been reading about White Knight Syndrome, a problem I never realised I had.
www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4674.msg123438#msg123438
Feeling much better about myself now, this explains many things about myself.

Had a weak moment and a bit of slipping.
Also, I'm really getting to understand who I am.

Dont do it alone, and I hope there is some other sicko who is in serious recovery with whom you are being much, much more specific than "a weak moment and a bit of slipping". You clearly got to where you are in recovery by coming out onto this forum and elsewhere, and you will only progress at all by coming out even further and continuing to being open (with safe folks).

Hatzlocha!

The slipping finally ended up in a fall.

I don't have anybody that I've opened up to.

You opened here, you opened to Hashem, you opened to yourself. I fell too, just yesterday. So all my love and respect to you ToAdd!!! Keep on trucking!!!

Hey, you do not know how great my respect for you is. But opening up here may be completely worthless to you, as the virtual world is real to some - fake to others. And the only proof we have for whether it is real to us is this: does it help us stay clean? Does it help us really face ourselves?

And the only way to discover that is this: is is very hard for us to 'open up' here - or is it only a little bit uncomfortable, but not very hard?

If it's easy, then it is not really opening up, at all. It is fake opening up, in a virtual setting with virtual people.

Everyone is different, sure. But I doubt you would have the same difficulty you are having now, if you'd be opening up to another real person as sick and hopeless as you are - like me, for example or many others here. I would be more than happy to give you my cell # right now. I'd be happy to share with you all the truth about myself, now shame..,,cuz I know it will help you do the same and open up to yourself in the process. I have watched this happen dozens of times here on GYE so far, b"H. And so have other recovering people. The 12th step is real, it is powerful, and it works. 

The last thing you need may be 'eitzos' and 'chizzuk' from others. "No! Hold on! You'll regret it!," is the same old garbage - that is not what you will get from opening up. Opening up allows us to start facing the truth about ourselves - it does not really work at all the other way around. Though everyone thinks it does! As long as we are keeping it to ourselves, we really do not even realize the depth of the truth about ourselves. We are blind and ignorant of our own selves - a sad way to live this short life here. And ignorance is certainly bliss.

Hatzlocha! And with much love to you,

Dov   

Thank you Yehoshua and Dov

Opening up on these forums was a real life changer for me.
I cried more on the day I came out that I have in a long time.
My emotions have been dulled to a large degree.

I guess I am ashamed to admit that I am slipping or falling. A year ago, it was easier to admit it, but It wasn't as real.

I am now (thank God) in a position where am aware that I am responsible for my actions and it's made admitting that I've made a big mistake that much more difficult.
This last post was like running onto the forum, typing a one liner and running away before I get to face the response.

The build-up to this fall was over a long time, constantly nagging at me, gaining a little ground each day. I didn't really do anything to try stop it, so I pretty much invited it.

I've been contemplating talking to someone face to face, but haven't had the guts to do it. "I can fix this myself" I say. Even right now, as I picture myself joining a group, I see myself saying "I don't really need much help, just one or two sessions and I'll take it from there".

A year and a half after realising I have a problem, I still minimise it and brush it off. perhaps it's because most of the time I'm okay.

On the other hand, I have made huge progress. I haven't actually completed the act in a very long time. Maybe only once or twice this year (2011) compared to a daily habit.

For me to describe my situation:
I would say that I am mostly in control but occasionally (often seems to be on a monthly cycle) get sucked back into internet stuff, which may God forbid lead to abusing my bris. I, thank God, have never acted out beyond that.

That’s where I am today, clean today and who knows what tomorrow will bring.
I no longer feel lick a sick-o battling to survive. I feel like a normal person that has a habit of turning to the unhealthy behaviour when bored / uncomfortable.

Yea, I need to speak to someone.
It would help if I could meet someone in person though.

There are many good people who would be happy to meet with you in person if you are ready to be honest. They'd gladly tell you plainly that when they act out their lust they also steal looks at porn, also unzip their pants, look at themselves like a stupid worship of some kind, and also idiotically and immaturely go and masturbate themselves almost to orgasm, like you do. "Phew, that was close!"....heh, heh...sure. And they'd even admit the going all the way part, too. Sure it hurts. So we lie to others and ourselves just to cope...And these folks would also admit the lying and the making-up-stories to cover-up and keep our convenient fake goody-goody faces for ourselves and the public.

It's the truth. It is not a good truth, but truth nonetheless. Hiding from being clear about it is a great idea for some people, and it helps them cope. I do not feel too sorry for them, for I was there for a decade. Some (probably many) remain there for their entire lives!

But if the 'tzniyus' (hiding and sugar-coating) is not working for you any more, then it may be the time to accept that for you, a bad truth is rachok, rachok mipninim michroh, compared to a comely lie.

Hatzlocha!

I am not saying you are an addict. All I am saying is that you may need to reach out much much more - not quantitatively, but qualitatively - than you presently are. If you want better. Ein hadovor tolui ella bee.

toadd, I read you loud and clear.  My situation is very similar.  I could be ok for a time, think things are good and then boom, I fall.  I also remember it being a buildup.  I would see something and it would trigger me.  Then I would be just a bit less careful until I couldn't handle it anymore and just exploded leading to a cycle of acting out which sometimes took weeks and sometimes months to break out of.  Then I felt fine again... until the next round.

Since finding GYE several months ago, I did meet someone in person and a few over the phone.  I was nervous at first, but it's the best thing I ever did.  Connecting with people just plain works.  I don't know exactly why, but it does.  Just like posting here helps somewhat, calling and meeting people helps even more.  Everyone is a bit nervous, it's completely normal.  Did you ever read "the pale green pants with nobody inside them" by harav hagaon doctor suess?

I know it's the right thing to do because I'm fighting myself not no.
But who?
Is anyone here in Johannesburg?
...and a million other questions that are invalid...

Last week was a busy week.
It's been pretty clean - except for one night I aroused myself.
I'm tired - been up late every night.

Who am I?
Again, I sit here, bored at work, unmotivated.
I've been here for three hours and still have not started any work.
The people around me are a bit annoying.
The general morale in the company is very low. Most people around me are doing their own private work on company time.

I need some fun in my life again. Things seem so dull now.
Like a country that goes out and fights a huge war – then the soldiers return home with no jobs.

So what are my passions?
I – the White Knight – have no one to rescue.
I – the builder – have nothing interesting to build. I’m merely re-doing old stuff or attaching tinsel to an old locomotive.

Focus Yosef.
Your wife needs rescue. Focus on her daily needs and improve her life.
People no longer ask for my help because I pushed them away when I was swamped. There is still a lot that you can help them with.
Finish the current task, then take on something small that I can then say “I finished this and it works well!”

Nice!