ein milim.

Thank You Hashem for the gift of Shabbos.  I don't know how people can live a life without Shabbos.  The ability to recharge my batteries on a shabbos is really amazing.

So I had occassion to review the halachos of Nekama and Netirah this past week.  If for nothing else I am writing this all here to have it for easy reference.  There is a machlokos rishonim whether the two issurim are limited to monetary related matters or even personal resentments.  The Chofetz Chaim says that since this is a sefaika doraysa we have to be machmir.  Even without this we all know the resentment (in essence netirah) is a major cause of RID (Restlessness, Irritability, and Discontent) which is usually behind a persons acting out so even if it not an issur, for our own recovery it is something worth working on.

I saw three or four eitzos.  The first thing is a person has to put the perceived wrong into perspective.  As the chinuch writes. 

שידע האדם ויתן אל לבו כי כל אשד יקרהו מטוב עד רע הוא סבה שתבוא עליו מאת השם ברוך הוא, ומיד האדם מיד איש אחיו לא יהיה דבר בלתי
רצון השם. ברוך הוא, על כן כשיצערהו או יכאיבהו אדם ידע בנפשו כי עוונותיו גרמו, והשם יתברך גזר עליו בכך ולא ישית מחשבותיו לנקום ממנו, כי הוא אינו
סבת רעתו, כי העון הוא המסבב

The Chovos Halevovos writes something similar in Shaar Habitachon:

ואס יהיה סיבה להזיקו יחשוב עליהם טוב ויחשוד את עצטו ומעשיו ברוע הקדמותיו אצל אלהיו ויחחנן אל האלהים ויבקש מלפניו לכפר עונותיו

So Number One is to realize that if someone wronged you it was from Hashem.  As I heard it from one rebbi of mine of a person was hit by a rock, the person hit would not get upset at the rock.  Well whoever harmed you is the rock that was thrown by Hashem at you.

This is not an always an easy thing to keep in mind and as the mesilas yesharim writes.  Nekama is מתוקה מדבש.  So I saw three other eitzos:

1)  The Orchos Tzaddikim writes that the best revenge (and one that is permitted) a person can do to someone who wronged him is to take the high road and work on himself:

אך אם תרצה להינקם מאויבך, תוסיף מעלות טובות ותלך בדרכי ישרים, ובזה תינקם משונאך, כי הוא מצטער על מידתך הטובה ועל שמך הטוב, ויתאבל בשמעו
שמעך הטוב, אבל אם תעשה מעשים םכוערים, אז ישמח שונאך על קלונך וחרפתך, והנה הוא מתנקם בך

2)  Reb Chaim Kanievsky brings down in Orchos Yoshor

ומובא בספרים (גם בס׳ אוצר הגדולים) מעשה ברבנו שמואל הנגיד שהלך לטייל עם המלך ויצא לקראתם גוי א׳ וקילל את ר׳׳ש וציוה המלך להר״ש שיחתוך את לשונו והוא הלך ושילח לו
מתנות עד שנהפך לאוהבו ופעם אחרת הלך עם המלך ויצא הגוי ההוא ובירך להר״ש וכעם המלך למה לא חתך לשונו וא״ל עשיתי כפקודתך חתכתי לשונו הרעה ושמתי לו לשון טובה תחתיה

In other words do good to that person until you turn him from an enemy into a friend.  A prominent member of this forum said that when he starts going beyond the call of his duty at home his wife says oh oh what did I do wrong now.

3)  The last thing is something that I read in the big book.  Which no doubt has a mekor in chazal (the Gemara in Brochos with Reb Meir is one):

"If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or thing that you resent, you will be free.  If you will ask in prayer for everything you want
for yourself to be given to them, you will be free.  Ask for their health, their prosperity, their hapiness, and you will be free.  Even when you don't really want it for them, and your
prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway.  Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and
you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you know fell compassionate understanding and love."

Thank You Hashem for a Torah to guide our lives.

Thank you UAJ for sharing those great eitzos!

I came across the following this past Shabbos from Sefer Shemiras Haloshon.  Just change guard your toungue to guard your eyes:

ודע עוד שאפילו אם לא שמר פיו ולשונו עידן ועידנים מ״מ יתחזק עצמו עכ״פ על להבא
ביתר הימים שיחיה אותו הש"י שלא יהיו מקילקלים ולמה הדבר דומה לאיש ששכר שומר לשמור כרמו
כל ימי הקץ ופשע השומר ולא שמרו איזה חדשים ומחמת זה נהרס הכרם מאוד שפרצו גנבים את
גדרו וגנבו הרבה מן הכרם היתכן שיעזוב בעה"ב בשביל זה עתה אח כרמו לגמרי ויניחנו למרמס לחית
השדה ואדרבה הוא מוסיף עתה שמירה על שמירתו ומתקן את גדרו ונותן עיניו ולבו עליו שלא יאבד
אפילו פרי אחד כן הדבר הזה ממש וכמו שכתוב במשלי על שדה איש עצל עברתי ועל כרם אדם
חסר לב והנה עלה כולו קמשונים כסו פניו חרולים וגדר אבניו נהרסה ועצתו לענין כרמו שיתקן גדרו
ויעקור הקמשונים וחרולים ממנו וישים עינו עליו שלא יתוספו עוד חרולים עליו ובעניננו ג"כ תיקונו
על להבא שיעשה לעצמו גדרים שירחיק עצמו מחבורת אנשים ושלא ידבר אודות שום איש ולמי שקלקל
בלשונו שחירפו וגידפו יפייסנו וישמור יתר ימי חייו בשמירה את פיו שדיבורו יהיה רק בדברי קדושה
וד"ת [לבד מה שצריך לדבר הכרחי ולפרנסתו] ואז יוכל לומר על עצמו אשרי זקנתנו שכיפרה ילדותינו

It's a worthwhile for all of us to review often but especially someone who has just had a fall, to counteract the typical message of the yetzer hora to the effect you fell anyways you might as well give up.  Or what's the point in continuing to try.  The chofetz chaim is talking to us.  Thank you Hashem for this powerful lesson.

that is gevaldig! thanks for sharing that piece

Thank you Hashem for sending UAJ our way

I was just watching the window cleaners come up the side of my building and I was wondering what lesson I could take from them.  And here's my thought.  Both the guy in the penthouse office and the window cleaner on the outside get to the top of the building, the difference is that one's on the inside the other is on the outside.  In yiddishkeit, we try to get to the top as well, and the same holds true, it is being on the top on the inside that really matters.  If its all משפה ולחוץ (external) then its really not worth much.

Many of us here externally are prominent members of the community, but on the inside we are involved in the lowest dreck.  One of our main jobs as Yidden is to elevate our internal workings to the top.  Thank you Hashem for giving us a wonderful place like GYE to work on this.  Good Shabbos to all.

Interesting insight!

Wow. Thanks. Have a nice day, fellow earthlings.

I was so excited when Hashem directed me to the following shtickel from Reb Zilberstein this past shabbos, into which my windowcleaner vort fits perfectly.

Reb Zilberstein quotes a vort from Reb Avigdor Miller who asks the following question.  The Gemara in Makkus says בא מיכה והעמידן על שלש דכתיב (מיכה ו) הגיד לך אדם מה טוב ומה ה' דורש ממך כי אם עשות משפט ואהבת חסד והצנע לכת עם <ה'> אלהיך עשות.  Asks Reb Miller I can understand why עשות משפט and  are אהבת חסד  are pillars but הצנע לכת is seemingly a condition of the first two, i.e., do things for the sake of the RBSO, don't look for honor, but why is this considered an independant pillar.  Explains Reb Miller that chazal are telling us that הצנע לכת is in fact an independant pillar on which a person's life must be based.

הצנע לכת is much more than simply concealing your actions.  Rather it means to walk with Hashem constantly by attaching His thoughts to Hashem.  This is called הצנע לכת because a person is doing this avodah in his inner conscience.  And this is one of the most important yesodos of a person's avodah.  Which if succesful is one of the most important achievements that a person can attain in this world.  To constantly go with Hashem and walk with Him wherever one is. . .  The ikkur is that whatever situation a person is in he should see the RBSO's presence, and literally talk to Him,  not so much in asking for needs, but to talk to Hashem as one would talk to a friend, let Him know your troubles, those things that are preventing you from doing his will, ask forgiveness when you don't carry out His will, and by doing this a person will begin to feel that he is walking with the RBSO.

Accomplishing this is not limited to simply talking to Hashem since all of the mitzvos have this opportunity.  At the same time a person shouldn't think that this is easy.  It's not, but says Reb Zilberstein if one does it, it will literally transform his life to a different life.  Precisely because it is so hard, a person who does it, is zoche to a greater reward.

Reb Zilberstein gives some examples of what it means to conduct one's life like this.  A person comes home from a day at work.  A person's הצנע לכת starts before he opens the door.  A person should take a few seconds to think how he can do chessed for his wife, how and with what to help her with, and just in general how you will conduct yourself in the house.  In his inner conscious a person has to has to figure out how he will help his wife and kids and how to avoid anger.  No one sees this chesbon.  It is all done inside in complete tzniyaos.  This is true הצנע לכת.  Or when a person is about to enter the Bais Medrash, a person has to chesbon how he can use this time most productively.  A person should think of ways he can help the tzibbur and in ways that they wont know about. 

[I think that Reb Zilberstein's eitzah can be used before one enters his office as well.  A person should think what he is going to do, how is he can avoid the nisyanos out there, talk to Hashem to help him avoid nisyanos.]

Similarly, when a person is waiting in line at the bank or something else, rather than thinking about who is cutting the line or some other irrelevancy a person can be thinking about Hashem. 

Finally, Reb Zilberstein concludes that while this is a very high madreiga to be on, a person shouldn't view it as unattainable.  Everyone has the ability to acheive at least something in this area.  Don't let the Yetzer Hora convince you that unless a person can get shleimus in this area he should not start.  every small stap in this area, each conversation we have with Hashem and every private though we have with Him will raise a person's personal avodah beyond comprehension, and will assist in other areas as well. 

I have attached copies of the sefer, since my summary cannot do it justice.

Thanks UAJ. i always enjoy reading your insights.

gevaldig vort! so true and so important to remember

thank you UAJ for bring another gem to us

(this is a he'ara to the original window cleaner idea, approved for publication by Rebbe UAJ shlita)
You can possibly add that those who come up outside are supported by a single rope and can potentially fall to the bottom in an instant. Whereas those inside wont fall by much even if they falter

The chizzuk emails reran my first post on the site. Brought back memories.  Thankfully, I've been sober ever since. Thank you Hashem for that brocha. And thank you guard and everyone else on the site for helping to make that possible.

I was running down to the subway, there was a train there with its doors open. When I was almost at the bottom of steps the doors closed and I let out a sigh. Only to then see that it wasn't my train in the first place. Kind of like lust.  We run after it thinking it will solve our problems.  When we miss the opportunity to engage in it we get upset because we think we've missed the solution to our problems. And if we are lucky we won't catch the opportunity because it will take us in the wrong direction.

That is not just a sweet moshol, but something to think about and internalize by seeing if it is true for me, not by brainwashing. Thank-you so much for putting that on 'paper' for us to use!!

Great thought UAJ!

another classic!

(why do i have visions of UAJ running after the train and shouting to the conductor "You are NOT my train, you are NOT my train!" and the conductor says "you from GYE or sumpin'?")