Welcome back Yoel. You are an amazing inspiration as always.

May you have a Refua Sheleima Bekorov. (It's Yoel ben Miriam, right?)

All the best in all things,
Gevura!

Thanks, Joel, your post is poignant, as usual.
Refuo SHleimo b'koroiv.
Mottel

יוא"ל - י"שועות ו"רפואות א"ייחל ל"ך

MT

hi 1daat,
good to hear from you
i will keep you in mind at davening for a refua shleimah bekarov
keep on trucking!

1daat wrote on 12 Jun 2012 06:01:


You are so right, Yoel. It is truly amazing how Hashem uses us for some of His Goodness to come down here to others and for His Name to be made greater. Us - of all people! It's really beautiful.

Your words put a smile on my face again, thanks.

- Dov

MT, thank you for the double brocho. It matters, you matter.

Hi Dov, thanks for checkin in. The drama continues, but it will have to keep for another night.

Hi 1daat, how are things and how are you feeling?

Hope you're getting through this sanely....
G-d bless,
Mottel

it seems I'm still crazy. I thought my son didn't love me. Father's day was cancelled due to lack of interest.

Clean doesn't mean much if I'm davening to my relationships.

Perhaps Dr. Zugger has some advice.

Zem, good to hear you've cast off. Ask anybody here, rehabilitation's a bitch!

Obywan, thanks for the brocho, amen.

MT, thanks for the good thoughts.

Dovchick, thank you for bearing with my shtoos.

ok. It's get clean time. I wrote this in word processor, and then realized I needed to post it. Here it is:

Nu, Tatteh, here I am typing to you and not davening. I can't get myself to daven. That's a proven fact. It's gotten worse and worse. the yh has me davening shachris 5 o'clock pm. I'm too weak to get up dead tired in the morning and go to a minyon. a minon??!! are you nuts??? I can't even get myself to daven byechidus in the morning. I'm totally in addiction mode. There has to be a way to get up and go to minyon.

Abba, it's 2pm (as you know), and I know it's wrong not to be davening. Buy I sit here, under the spell of the yh and play computer games and now typing to you and I don't get off my ass and daven.

So, Abbah, I need your help. Every day I need your help. Let's start with davening on time b'yechidus. Then, later, we can go to minyon. That's just too much commitment for me. I am a lazy slob. That's exactly how the yh wants me to feel about myself. But when I'm possessed, I really am a lazy slob.

Ah, but now comes the thought that if I DO daven on time, and even go to minyon, I will then be patting myself on the back for being such a holy Jew. I've made davening into aggrandizing myself, like everything else I do. And I hate doing that because it's a lot of effort for fakeness. So maybe I need to back way up and be like a beginning bal t'shuvah and just do a little praying, but try to do it like a mensch, not like sporting my, "I'm a humble, sincere and observant Jew act. Look at me."

ok. Birchas torah. Ashrei. Why is Ashrei so freaken difficult for me to have kavannah? It's because I want to be god, not You. Baruch Sheamar. Shma, shmonah esrei alenu.

Imagining even just doing that minimum, I think about how fast I can get through with it. Abbah, I can't make plans or schedules or any of that. I just need You to take over for me, please!. Abbah, Abbah Please daven me. I can't do it. Please daven me. I just can't. I can't. I can't. I can't.

I really can't. I give up. will you please please please help me? I'm shot. Done. Useless. Empty of kavannah for you. I need you to kavannah me.

The end.

Now to click the "Post" button. Oy.

just reading through your post gives me the impression that you are full of kavanah to comunicate to hashem and it is just one of the Y'h greatest tools to prevent us from wining, by telling us that we don't even know hot to ask for help. Your post just now sounded more like a teffila to me than a years worth of my davening, maybe not as chazal intended, but it dose certainly sound sincere.

Cheer up :D I will daven for you tonight

Oh Yoel. I wish my Davening could be as sincere and heartfelt as your not-Davening...

Sounds like a normal day to me...

Cheer up, chico. At least you know you are a bit screwed up for the moment. Keep with Him and things will get better. If you can't wait that long, and you need a mini-friend to talk to to remind you of your real Friend....we can talk by phone (almost) any time! Real love from any real person reminds us of our real Best Friend, Hashem, you know. Right?

So I've been lurking through some you guys' threads after not being on the site for a while. Here is what I've forgotten. Mind you, these are things I know I've learned. And forgotten.

1) I forgot Hashem creates EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME

2) I forgot I'm powerless. I'm not just powerless over lust. I'm powerless. Period. Forget about hishtadlut. That was invented for other guys. I'm a mental fat slob (but I lost 22 revealed pounds!). I can not get over myself. Every moment it's--I'll do the dishes/pick up the piles on the floor/do the laundry (yes, if yesterday's underwear pass the smell test the laundry can wait)/later. LATER. It's always manyana. So for me to be getting to minyan early and walking every day and having a clean desk is not by me. Leining is not by me. I'm powerless.

3) I forgot that I'm still an addict. How do I know this? The other day I was at my desk that has a window view of the street. And across the street a young lady was walking her dog and passed by the window. She was dressed fully covered, absolutely nothing tight, revealing, etc. There was nothing triggering going on from her. Now I took a second look. But how I took the look is important. It went down like this: I happened to notice movement. I looked up and saw her walking her dog. I looked away. "Good Yid. Good Yid". Then I distinctly remember saying to myself, "F- it. I'm going to look again and enjoy it". Nothing going on out there. I, me, nobody else, no unconscious whatever, no yetzer. Nope. ME. I wanted what I wanted in that moment and went for it. All by my lonesome. I wanted that feeling. THAT FEELING! And it's been chasing that feeling my whole life that's taken me down till I was left with nothing. I forgot that I'm an addict.

4) I forgot that since Hashem is everything, and since I'm powerless, and since I'm an addict that I have to ask Him to... . No, ya know what? It's not I have to ask Him to... I have to just ask Him. I forget that I have to just ask, be in an asking state of mind. And if I can't remember He even reminds me. I can't even pull up my pants without tzitzis reminding me. Just ask, Yoel, all the time. כי הוא ידע יצרנו, זכור כי עפר אנחנו

5) I forgot how righteous and sincere and precious you guys are. How much I learn when I come here. How much I get reconnected to Him when I'm just whacked out and "taking that second look because I damn well please to". Without even asking He sends a little moloch to put in me, "Check out GYE, why don't you".

6) I'm so arrogant I don't even believe that I forget almost everything I learned here, and think I can go on cruise control. In the summer, right? Cruise control. With all those tops almost down. Whee. I think I'll just have me another look see, and another and another. etc all the way down the toilet.

So, on a happier note. Yes, I daven on time and get to minyan occasionally (yes, it's pretty much when I damned well please). I asked, He delivered. Hmmm, maybe I should ask Him to get me there everyday, early, b'simcha. Now there's an original thought. My younger son and I had a good talk. He called me on his own volition today, just to tell me about his first day at college. And my daughter came to visit after many many years I can't even remember how many, and we spent four days together, and talked so much, and had so much fun, and made and ate such good food together. And I had an honest talk with my lady friend who said she wants to hold off on everything until she makes the move to the States in September or October, and I didn't pout too much, and I could actually understand, in a felt way, that she has so much on her plate right now, and she's leaving so much behind, that a relationship would be way to much to have to handle right now. Can you believe, I could actually have empathy? (For you new guys reading this, to be able to get outside ourselves a little bit and really feel for another person is one of the great rewards of sobriety). Physically is a work in progress. I am not in any significant pain and have my life back. Boruch Hashem.

I cannot tell you how glad I am that you guys are in my life. Benching licht by Shabbos I ask Him to bless you all, right after my other more revealed beloveds. Life is Good. From an addicts mouth, no less. Life is Good.