Thanks Zem

Last night I watched a movie I had a hunch wasn't going to be ok.  But I went ahead anyway.  Then when, predictably, nudity sprung up I covered it with my hand.  But I didn't turn off the movie.  Finally I did.  How arrogant is this?!

This morning I didn't "get around" to davening shachris till so late I'm ashamed to say.  But this is the place to say.

So I'm starting to slip, obviously.

Sciatica has come back with a vengeance.  All they offer me is surgery or pills.  Steroid shots didn't help.  So I'm taking these pills.  An addict taking drugs.  This makes no sense.  But the pain is excruciating.  In the morning right during negelwasser I cry from it sometimes.  So I take the pills.  I try to stretch it out so I don't get high from them.  But I do, and I like it too much.  I'm sitting here in major pain but I'm not going to take a pill.

I'm not doing so good all around.

Thank God I haven't major slipped or fallen.  But there's a big "yet" at the end of that.  I could use your chizuk, rephua shlema, and whatever else.

Thanks
Joel

One of the difficulties for a lust addict is the fact that sex with his wife is permitted yet at times its hard to draw the line between good sex and bad lust. There are times when drugs are legitimately needed and there are times when it can be addictive. My own suggestion is you have a doctor make a plan for you and stick to it. And may Hashem send you a refuah shleima quickly so you know no more pain.

Dear sweet Joel,

You need a sponsor, some close recovery friends, and preferably some recovering drug addicts (trust me, they are everywhere) to talk to. And speaking it over with a close understanding loved one would help. And a loving, close Rov -  if you have one.

We love you, but the issue you have needs close people who see your face, read between the lines.

- Dov

Dov and UAJ.  Excellent counsel.  I just got off the phone with a NA friend and we'll talk more when he's back in town.  He's putting me in touch with some oldtimers for sponsorship and there's a meeting five minutes from my house tomorrow night that I'll be at.

My rov knows the situation, and checks with me every day. I need to share this with my sister and brother in law, too, though.  My closest and dearest. 

Just making these plans feels like I'm taking a load off.

After all I've been through, my first response to pain is still the reflex of an addict--to withdraw and isolate.  Thank God you got to me.

My friend just called me back to check in on me.  I 'm a newbie again, still learning I'm not alone.  Thanks again, guys. 

Joel

Also into sciatica at the moment, again.  i have found relief from only one source, chiropractic.  If you haven't tried it, you might want to.  If you have and it didn't help, you get a full refund for the cost of this advice. 
Refuah Shlema and Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov

sorry to hear about your pain, a refua shlaimah bekarov
i admire your pro-active approach, kol hakavod!
wishing you the best

Hi chaimyakov, you make me laugh, that feels good.  Thanks.

Zem, thanks.  we'll chat later

Update:  I just got off the phone with an NA guy whose my friends sponsor and he agreed to sponsor me.  Meeting tonight.  Bottle of meds to the Rov who will dispense.

The important thing is that I'm moving out of isolation.  I feel like I'm a newbie, and it's humbling and simple and full of love that I keep pushing away and taking for granted.

Thanks to all of you.

be checking in soon

Joel

You are a beautiful man.

Thanks Dov.
It's so simple.  Thanks for keeping it simple. 

I keep forgetting.  I've repeated this a lot, but, again, a long-ago sponsor said to me that the most important word in recovery is "remember".

Sweet.  Life Savers are sweet. Thanks again

Joel

As a way of updating, here's what I told my daughter by email tonight.

I need to come clean about something. for about two weeks I've had a recurrence of the Stenosis pain major. They gave me percoset for the pain. I see the doc in two weeks. Two days ago I almost slipped per the online group I hang out on. A couple guys helped me see my denying how lonely I'd been suffering with the pain, and not reaching out. So I've been reaching out, and feeling the loneliness. I hooked up with a sponsor, stayed in touch with a NA friend, went to a NA mtg tonight, and will give the bottle of pills to the Rabbi tomorrow for him to dole them out. That's always been how I get back into addiction--pain, followed by making the drug my bet friend who makes me feel so nice. last fall I nearly lost everything, as you know.


I didn't tell you because of everything that you are already handling. I also didn't tell you because I'm an addict who deals in secrets, doesn't need anything or anybody, is more vulnerable and open than anyone else, and is a truly superior person. I'm sure you'll understand.

You are helping your daughter far, far more than if you'd be telling her a really nice vort on the parsha. And that's saying something....you are making yourself available to them in ways that you will discover years from now and could not imagine.

This (unlike the nice vort),  she will never forget.

1daat wrote on 26 Dec 2011 19:21:

I just sent this line to a friend,


 
It seems like a good quote to me.  As soon as I feel like some sort of authority, like I got somewhere, I 'forget' that what got me here was humbly admitting the truth about myself to real safe people.

It's like I have to try and be a 'newbie' anew each day.

Hatzlacha!

dov wrote on 27 Dec 2011 16:29:


My daughter replies:

So proud of you for catching it and clearing house. Right on! Progress not perfection right?
Maybe its good to remember you might be grieving over mom too? So we can maybe help each other stick with the things we need as BPs [we're both bipolar]when it comes to grief? It can be another one of our experiments since I've never faced grief like this and you have never faced it in a way you feel good about. So, please hug yourself for me & maybe ask for some loving arms when you need some from your friends?

I trust you will take care of yourself...please thank those 12 step buddies for pushing you to take care of yourself. I need your psyche and spirit strong for me. That's most important.  The physical stuff...I hold compassion for you but it doesn't upset me. I'd be more upset by you falling into addict patterns.

love you tons and tons. I respect you and how you work your program sooo much. Stay out of guilt/shame for me k? It doesn't become you. You are staying the path even with speed bumps and pot holes. That's the dad I love! Way to go!

Until a while ago, until after I got involved with GYE, we hadn't talked in 7 years.  Beyond how beautiful her response is and how deeply it affected me, I posted it also so that people could see just what has happened so far when I stopped acting out and started really looking at what I'd become.  It was after we'd been talking for a while that I told her my secrets about being arrested  my long lust and p&m addictions, and as best I could at the time made a meager attempt at making amends.  It seemed to be good enough at the time.  From then it seems we're both sharing what's really going on with us (though I still hang back.  See above.) more spontaneously.  I can not adequately describe what it is to have such respect and the clear understanding that my daughter is a separate, and her own person.

Went to a NA mtg last night.  Haven't been to a program meeting in years.  I'd forgotten what a truly superior person I am compared to all those drug addicts.  I guess I better keep coming back till I can just be Joel.

gibbor120 wrote on 27 Dec 2011 18:49:


Bingo! thanks.  "To be a newbie each day."  That's a post-it on my computers.

To all of you who've tzittered over me and for he who-shall-remain-nameless giving me a gentle kick in the tochus, I am very thankful.  I know this is a virtual community, nonetheless, I get your concern and caring.  It shakes me out of my stupor/id and reminds me there are real live people in my life who would of course be there for me 200%.  I am clearly still nuts and still indulge my addiction.  Difference is, I now have options and choices I didn't have while I was acting out.

This whole episode comes on the heals of having had a R. Nachman-style talk with Hashem that went something like, "Abba, I know there's good in what you're doing to me.  But I just can't take the pain any more.  Please teach me what I need to learn more gently.  I'll pay attention and listen."

What kind of God is this? He teaches me to be a child.  He teaches me to be a parent.  I love you so much.  thank you.

very beautiful  :'(.