I have sliped , after a long time of sobriety. So here I am powerless, I really want to continue and fall.

I have been doing morning workouts (every morning at 5 am), doing my chores, really working hard, but I haven't been reading and running like I was supposed to (according to the recovery plan). It has worked, but now I am trapped, I am slipping and I really really want to act out. ...

Darn...

I am on the verge, do I need to reset...


My mistake was today, that i started the workday to easily, then took it too hard, accused myself, then wanting control but being overwhelmed, then actually doing nothing
because of this escaping pattern. I couldn't even move from my chair, like i am glued.

I want ot go throught the 12, but this isn't enough, this opening up here I guess isn't enough

Wow, it HAS been a long time. That's great!

You must have done something right, to get started on a good streak that worked for you for so long (unless it was miserable or manic all along, which it seems it was not!). So - have you thought back to see exactly what it was that you started doing right back when you accidentally began staying clean? Usually we stay clean in a way that seems accidental, not quite as directly in association with our 'efforts' as we thought it would be. It's ok.

Some guys do not realize that the missing ingredient - the thing that was a change from the old ideas, the old norm of all our masturbating days - was quite specific: perhaps they opened up just a bit more explicitly and honestly than ever before with someone real about what was in their heart...or that they did the same admission as always - but this time it was to a real person on the phone or in person instead of just forum-fake-name virtual people. Or maybe it was something else entirely. Sadly, we just got used to it and forgot what it really was that shifted.

You can think back if you wish, and may see something you started to overlook as the 'normalcy' of not playing with sweet lust began to creep in. 'Shigra', as Rav Wolbe used to call it.

Whatever you do, chaver, I wish you the very best and conetinued hatzlocha w your family!
- Dov

A long time again. :-)

Please let me update. I had my last fall on the 7th of January (after a long streek - 230 day or something...). I was viewing porn. To be specific, I went on YouTube and typed schmutz in it, and I browsed which video would be best (=not too explicit, but also spicy enough), I opened it and before it started playing, I closed the window. Could be a slip, but it wasn't. I saw reproduction organs and that is a fall for me now.

Of course, it means my treatment isn't good enough.

Please let me explain my therapy:
So in winter I sprained my ankle, and I can't run now. But I workout every morning (get up at 4:50) - the past 3 days I came down with a cold, but I will start again tomorrow, I think.
I read a lot of literature as bibliotherapy. There is a list of to be read. Just read Hans Fallada: The Drinker, now I am reading Cherry-Garrard, Apsley (1922). The Worst Journey in the World. After my fall I am reading much more.
Keeping a diary. Really daily now.
Keeping the household clean. Really cleaning the kitchen and laundry every day.
Being good at work. Realy trying not to procrastinate at all and pushing as hard as I can.
Reading the daily news, keeping track as much as possible.
Working hard at keeping my family sane. This means that I try not to act on every provocation, bad mood or angry moments - I try to keep my mouth shut, I don't brake stuff any more (I don't hit my head any more), and I try to use the serenity prayer



God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I really try to follow my thoughts, the negative ones about my wife and others and try to answer them in my head, I try to understand what I can change as I think them.

My next steps in therapy are:
- start running as soon as the ankle heels (it takes reaaaaaly long, unbelievable...)
- do a hiking tour every month with family
- fast for 10 days with tea and fruit drinks every 6 months

After I complete the 90 days here, hopefully I will start with new step:
- higher degree in academics

I hope this helps, it helpes me really. I must add that I often read the book written by a therapist on alcoholism. The therapeutic steps that I am taking are from his book. I can't give you the name of the book since it will give out the country I am from and I want to remain anonymous. But in the book there are many accunts of his patients, a study of alcholism and other addictions, and of course the therapeutic steps (or methods). I find the book sincere, the therapeut himself talks of patients who relapsed (alchohol) and died of course, why it was so and yet he himself doesn't know. On the other hand the majority of his patients left their addictions and begann living a full life.
This is accounts are of course really important for me, since I didn't join a live group.

So that is being clean.

I hope this writting helps others.

All the best,
Miha





I hope u guys don't laugh too much at my therapy.

wow, you came a long way
may hashem help you to reach purity
by the way, dont you have a filter on your net?

Filters, heh.

Thanks for sharing, Miha - but mainly for sharing your name and the truth about your life, rather than just sharing your dirt and expecting to change in a real way without being real.


What amazing progress we make in this business.

- Dov

Your therapy sounds a lot like mine :D Tons of little, persistent things.

I have been trying to read more. I don't have a list, though.

B'Hatzlacha
LBLD

I don't have any filters (on mobile or computers). Not even for the women on the bus and on the street

Thanks for your support guys.

My next big step is also stop watching TV before going to bed. That still remains. Prayer, I guess is the only way. Hashem must do it.

Good night tovahrish!

Let me update. I am feeling week right now, so I will write it like it is. I don't watch porn any more. But in another tab I have a girl flexing her biceps - ok, this is very very bad. It sounds like nothing, but it is. So I am deleting it.

Ok, just did.

This is the first time after a long time.

I just want to come here for the uplift. :-) But I also need to be honest.

I feel lazy, and I don't want to work. And there is this overwhelming feeling, that led me to act out.

So breathe in, breathe out.

I will go and do my duty. Hashem you take care of the spiritual tralala - of my defects and the defects of my brothers here.

Miha

I had a fall yesterday at work.

It was building up, I felt strong cos I do morning workouts every morning and I read more and I felt like a macho, on the other hand I was alone at work and at home and I knew that was a very dangerous situation. So I did reach out to a friend at work and then I had a good zoutube video on while working (a therapist talking about addictions and how to handle them). But then there was just so much work and I wanted to escape that pain and I also felt like a deserve a bit off, just a little bit. But then I didn't fall all the way, I didn't masturbate. What led was really the fear and laziness when it comes to work. At the beginning I even felt that it was just a slip, but after I started reading about porn addiction I understand that lust only suppressed the feeling of despair. I did see porn and I imagined that I was one of them. Not that hard core, but i had a feeling that the images weren't giving me that rush, so I concentrated more, forcing myself almost to play the game the girls were proposing in the video - cos in the beginning it really didn't hit a cord with me.
It felt like someone smacked my face and made it dirty. But then it started to resonate.

I stopped however one moment and didn't go all the way. But the scary thing is, that in the back of my head there is this thought: I can do this successfully, it was just a bit and everything is still ok. Perhaps I went a bit too far and next time I have to watch out not to go that part, but i can still use it.

That thought made me scared, so I am here to write honestly what happened and what I am thinking.

What now?
I am reading a book In the shadow of internet and I will use the tips from there, also I must reach out. I was thinking about an SA group, but I am really afraid that it will not fit me cos they don't have a therapist there. I know this other therapist, but he demands my wife to be present and as u know, that I can't do. I feel trapped, and that is not good. So I will have to contact at least the SA group and talk it over with my wife.

I thought that it was a slip, cos i didn't go in this despair feeling. Like, if I didn't feel so desperate, to the extent that I get suicidal (like before), means that it wasn't that bad. That is a LIE!!!! Reading this book, I see that the lust is covering that feeling of despair.

And that shows that I really can't rely on my rationalization. My mind is sick and it needs to get fixed, but not by my head. This is why I am here, cos I still got honesty.

I am 8 days sober.

Something is bothering me though, yesterday being disappointed at work and very tired I went to Youtube and looking for motivation I clicked on a girl lifting on the bar and that wasn't showing anything, so I clicked on a tennis player having a s* fall and that wasn't showing anything, so I clicked on the page of s* tripple jumpers and I didn't watch that.

Is this another fall?

After that I went to Youtube to listen to NA anonymous testimonials.

I am ready just today to have God remove my defects of character.

Day 9

I am so tired. Gonna make coffee now.

This is a good one:
Whatever is going on in my life, God has it already taken care off. (Kermit from NA anonymous)

12 days sober.

I started running today after an injury of my foot (my last run was 23rd of december or something like that).

I am finding it hard to start working today. Honesty is really key to my whole addiction problem.

But I can't do much about it, I can't fight my addiction. So if i paraphrase, I can't save Frodo and Sam, so I will go and save the other hobbits.

yehoshua wrote:


even with my warped mind, i can't figure out what you were searchin' for.

b'hatzlachah

21 days sober, really sober. Not just clean, but getting sober.

I listen a lot of NA anonymous testimonials on Youtube. At work, while I work at work. And that keeps me clean and working really hard. Hopefully, the message will become part of me.

I am still not a member of any group. Being alone is not good, not good at all.

Hm.

There is a lot more to recovery than I thought. Porn and masturbation are not the problem. But you guys know that already.

I am learning slowly though books and Youtube. I don't think that is wrong, even though it mayy be just my justification.

All the best to you guys.