i feel so tired, had a fight with my wife, then i banged my head so many times that i still have a headache. I saw some funny vids to get me in the mood, so that i can do a translation job. Now I feel like I want to watch some porn. So that is my story....

Oh, and I cleaned all the dishes (that was 11pm), and my motivation was a cookie every time i get to the table. So i ate a bunch of cookies. Now it is 12pm or 00 or midnight.... Darn, I promised that I will translate it, plus there is this important interview i have on friday and i have a lot of reading to do, plus a meeting on thursday and I don't have any ideas there.... And there is no money involved in any case... That would be even more stressful, come to think of it.

yesterday worked till 2am.

But this morning i was ok, but i didn0t do my morning workout or anything. I am just cleaning all the time... I am taking it all to easy.


So sorry.

yehoshua wrote:


How true this is. No matter how innocuous the video is, my mind equates video watching with porn and once I start looking at a video I'm one step closer to thinking that maybe a non so good video is an option. Thanks for sharing. Have a wonderful day and good luck with your work.

This is so true. I am thinking, all the time, just a little slip can't do any harm since it is not real porn, since it isn't acting out with a prostitute. Darn, I would like to be with one real prostitute though. I would really love that, no strings attached, nobody would know, and I would get rid of this heaviness that I feel right now, I would release.

I would get away from this work, rutine that is killing me.

I am powerless and I am not in control, I can't control it. So please Hashem you take care of things. Please.

Hm, another day another fight. Who am I fighting????

No one, I promise, no one...


I give up..


Sounds like a Nike commercial...


All the best to you guys

Nike commercial? I thought it goes like this...

Just do it, Just do it
No no don't be afraid
Just do it, Just do it
Hashem is at your side

Just do it, Just do it
No no don't hesitate
Just do it, Just do it
לא לא אל תפחד

Really trying to surrender. That means that i am not surrendering at all.

Guys every day seems the same. A great day every day, at work I slip a bit, nothing alarming, but this slipping can't go on forever. Perhaps it is because I am not working enough, perhaps because every day when my little girl goes to bed and it is around 9 pm, I am so tired that I can't do anything anymore. I clean up, as much as I can, and then just roll on my couch, eat something and fall asleep infront of the tv.

How in the world can I change that?

Plus I need to iron, and design a closet and what I would really like to do, is to start running. But I have like to many other things that I need to do and plus I can't, I am tired.

Any time to sit back and appreciate the good things about this little lifestyle of yours and all the good stuff that you will only b able to look back on years from now and try hard to remember?

I hope so.

It does not last that long. Before we know it, the kids are grown up, cat's in the cradle time...

i worked with my wife till late, 1am or something and now I can't get my act together. Did some work, but i have like zero strength.

Darn, i really want to act out a bit or sleep... Don't know which would be better... LOL

Was the above text just a bit too "pop american"?

Nope.

I was about to fall, and I called my wife and then I was still about to fall big time and I called Elya (Eye.nonymous). Thank you Elya.
It was just a moment. It is very expensive for me to call like that, but i didn't care. Elya picked up the phone, moved someplace (so to be able to talk probably) and I really needed to go (I had a customer). I heared Elya's voice and I am ok.

Thank you guys.

P.S. By the way Dov, if you will read this, I deleted your number. Sorry. I got so frustrated, I feel ashamed because of my false pride... Se here I am, sober and sorry. It was a nasty slip.

Still here. I am constantly thinking of calling a therapist, constatly finding out, that minor things lead to catastrophic outcomes.

Just the before, I went to bed without helping my wife clean up, I was rude, nasty, blaming her. Then I fell asleep and she cleaned alone. At night I had keri.


Let me tell you about my dream! I hope this is not too explicit, if so I am sorry, don't read on if you are feeling week.

I was dreaming this situation where young girls where there and this one was somehow naked. And I was nervous and clumsy because of her nudity, she noticed that and took advantage of that and started dancing....., then I waked up and I had keri.

In the moring I really felt like acting out. I don't know I how I stayed clean in the morning. I prayed as much as I could.

I don't see it as a fall, but it is crazy, really crazy, how I can't allow myself to be rude intentionally. Cos it leads to guilt and it leads to acting out.

I felt so good then in the evening, cos I tried to really controll all of those bad feelings and somehow reframe them during the whole day. But in the evening I saw a film, Robert Redford in this military film, and was up till 2 am.

I am a slow learner and I lack discipline. Being tired is really bad for an addict. 4 hours of sleep, becuase of my lack of discipline show who I am. But I did clean the kitchen and I did iron and did the laundry.

But what about reading, sports - my running plans, hiking!???? I am not being loving to myself. And that is a cry for help. Cry that I keep in myself and show only through acting out.

So I am crying here.

All the best to you guys.

I don't know, it started like a slip, and then I had a nice cup of tea with a colegue (everything at work), then I got this mail that I have to tell another boss that he needs to start working right now at something, and that isn't really my job or position, because I said it already, so... But i overreacted and I was slipping the whole time anyhow. I have no control over this addiction.

What now? I don't know. I must call a therapist and tell him. I never did this before, my wife is against it. But this is scary, I am afraid.


I fell at work. I didn't do this in ages. Scary.

I am off to a new day.

I called this therapist that I feel would be able to help me. He didn't pick up the phone and when I tried again he picked up, but didn't answer. Then in the evening he called me to return my two calls. I didn't answer, I couldn't talk there and I was really busy with my family, I had chores to do and so on... And I didn't call him since.

So now I am sitting here in my office.

I have made changes, I have a printed a4 format of chores and obligations and with question how many times did you go through the 12 step prayers or how many times did you pray to Hashem...
Also I have learned that I really need to do my chores, if I don't do them it spells disaster for me.