guardyoureyes.com/forum/23-Just-Having-Fun/207301-Practical-kabbalah-for-the-masses

yehoshua wrote:


Putting into practice -- in every aspect of my life, things that are going right and things that appear to be going wrong -- the knowledge that everything comes from Hashem, and everything He does is for our best.

Once we realize our resentment is really directed toward Hashem, it falls apart.


Let me ask you a question now.

You started this thread three years ago. How have you changed since you started posting? What's different in your recovery? What are you DOING that's different?

Hatzlocha brother

Alex

Vow, 3 years!? Darn, that sounds so much.

Emunah first of all, thanks for the link.

Alex, hm. I do so much more and the question is if it is working!? Hm, before I would have a ready answer, before I would feel fear and rejection, as in: "What do you want from me Alex?" But now that thought comes to mind, but the main thought is:

Yes I do much more, but it isn't enough and I am thinking of digging deeper. I am truly calling Hashem now with every good or bad thought that arises in my head. But there are still challenges of life ahead of me and it scares the **** out of me, so I thought that using my little pice of paper with a prayer would help, but I am not that sure about it anymore.
That is why I called Elya last time, it is why I told my wife and it is why I am posting right now, before I started on this work (revision of a diploma) and it is why I am thinking about joining a phone group. If I can afford it (financially if I find an acceptable way of communication - sorry for the bad english), that if it is possible for me to join, I will discuss it with my wife and I will join a group. Even though joining a group scares the *** out of me, but it slowly seems to be the only way for a long lasting soberness.

For now, for today, I didn't join a phone group and I am sober and truly happy. Baruch Hashem, it isn't cos I got a fix just the other day, it is cos I prayed to Hashem every time a thought of resentment, fear, lust popped into my head.

Suddenly I saw how beautifully these flying seeds from dandelion flew through the blue sky. It was just a moment, but it was just after my silent prayer to Hashem, right after I felt depressed, hopeless, without perspective, so afraid and lost, utter darkness. U know.
But then these words: I LOVE U SO MUCH HASHEM. HELP ME JUST GET TO THE STORE, BUY THOSE THINGS AND GET HOME.

But it starts again this very moment. I am sick and I am an addict. And I hope I will one day be light and real as a leaf...

Hatzlocha friend.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Do something every day for your sobriety and your recovery.

Reality for us addicts can be painful and boring. But that's only when we're close to our drug which is perfect and thrilling.

And empty.

The world is a good place


see the light

Steps, steps. They have little to do with lust and stuff like that, in the end. Its about sanity. Resentment and the real defects of character that motivate us to need it and love it is what 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10 are all about, of course. Phew, this is work...

Hi Yehoshua,

Just dropping in to say hello.

--Elyah

Elya tnx for keeping my thread alive...

Well things are not going so well. I am struggling like crazy. So I did what you suggested Elya. Elya suggested I join a group, a phone group at least, and since I was not that eager, Elya suggested to get the information.

So I wrote Dov and he gave me the info and also said that I should try a live group. So I have this number saved in my phone of a guy who handles mostly AA, but also other addictions. This sickness should not fall on the shoulders of my wife, that is something that I learn here from Dov's writing - that addicts just confess to their wife and then continue with their acting out, dragging her with them. Hm, that kind of hurts, cos I told my wife.


So I have to say this. I didn't say it before, but here it is. My wife is not bothered by my so called addiction, my viewing porn, it just bothers her that I am perhaps closer to you guys here then to her. But the truth is, that she knows more then the gye. Even though I didn't tell my wife of every fall, she knows when I am down - so she is closer.

Anyhow. My plan is sort of like this. I want to get through the 90 days, with posting and doing daily morning workout, reading two books per month (with reading the SA White Book daily), running daily and doing my best to keep our household in top shape until i start working again. Of course taking care of my daughter is number one her.

So this is kind of TAPHSIC, if I don't do 90 and I don't post or do morning workout or run or read then I will first ask Dov to let me join the group. And if that doesn't happen within a week after a fall or that I fall despite being in Dov's group, then I will dial that number and ask to become member.

I will have to confront my wife then.

But to be honest, following this program I will have to confront her today already with all these things that I want to do. We have a daily routine and that will disturb it.

SO why this program? I think that I act out because I am lazy basically, I think acting out it is my get away from my daily obligations, so through this program I hope to grow up a bit and view my obligations with less RID.

All the best to you guys.

So growing up is my moto.

yehoshua wrote:

I highly doubt that laziness is the cause. It is much more likely a result of whatever issues you have that cause both acting out and laziness.

Is perfectionism an issue for you? Have you read or listened to Dr. Sorotzkins stuff on perfectionism? Laziness could come from that. At least for me, it's not so much that I am lazy. It's that it takes a tremendous amount of effort to do a task when I am so concerned about doing a perfect job. Does any of this ring true?

Tnx gibbor, your words flatter me I would love to have that problem - hm, sorry, but it kind of sounds better to cure perfectionism rather then laziness. Cos I am really really lazy and I am not good at anything. So that is the truth, but simply because I don't work that much....


It is how I feel now, no energy, no will, nothing, just want to act out. I stumbled on some material right now reading the daily news and can't seem to get the grip of myself. I type in schmutz and then delete it. It is not a fall yet, but I am typing and then closing before opening.

It is all because, sorry to say this, I can't handle everything. I am so f* scared and so down and I am not moving. I just need to cook for my baby and wife and also clean up the kitchen. That's it, but I am too scared to move.

So here it is, out on the open. Michael is afraid of cleaning up the kitchen.



It really is absurd once I wrote it down. But it does drive me to act out.

All the best to You guys.

yehoshua wrote:

Afraid the mixer, or perhaps the blender will attack you?

laugh all you will, today comes a new struggle

I think that I am right. Where in the Name of Hashem is my humility?????


You know the song from Depeche Mode that goes something like Let's play master and servants. I feel very much like that, feeling that i am the servant and I blame the masters. For the things they should have done....

So brutally honest: I slept only three hours yesterday, this morning I did my morning workout and I was working hard for everything to come out well and good.

I can't find my thoughts together.

I hate everyone around me, cos I feel they should do this or that. But in truth I hate myself for not being better, stronger, wiser.

But you're not meant to be better, stronger, or wiser. You're meant to be you, with your little package. You're not Shlomo Hamelech, and there's no point in trying to be clever like him! Just be yourself. That's what Hashem wants! He created you as you are, and love yourself for that!
Hatzlacha!

yehoshua wrote:

Calm down, calm down. Self-acceptance my friend. Accept yourself and the life Hashem has given you.

Tnx, I am trying to calm down. And yes I want to be Schlomo and I want to act out at the same time. Who am I?

Just a stupid stupid little man. And I am slipping as I am writing this.

I had another fight with my wife, she is nervous cos she has an exam and we bought something not that good for our little girl. I just feel like I want to act out, really.

I am sorry.

Baruch Hashem I didn't brake anything this time.


And I feel so darn helpless. I can't please my wife in everything, I don't have all the answers, and I am lost just as she is. But then she yells at me, like I am supposed to be the smart one, the one who will be strong as a rock even if the rock gets a little yelling.

But I am not. I hate being yelled at. So I yelled back. But that didn't bring anything either.

I really want to escape reality right now.

ANd can I say this too. I feel she is no support now as I want to do sports, eat right and so on... I thought I will be able to shift her to by sheer "follow the example" method. But it doesn't work in such a short term, I keep falling back. Getting late up, staying late watching tv - ok, after a hard day's work, but still this is not the way.

I am not running! Darn it.

I am not getting up in the morning doing my workout.

I don't read enough.

Darn, this will be another fall. I know it. And I am so helpless.

I feel like I want a divorce or something. Sorry, this is how I feel.

I want to run away. Darn, this smells like a slip and a fall - my mind, my heart have fallen. And the eyes follow always.

I feel better writing all this. But still, darn Zvi you are right, I am not Schlomo, but I wish I were smart as Schlomo. Not being Schlomo is a bummer and life can be a bit disappointing. Like I am.

And I know I can't afford that feeling.


And this too. Day 26