yehoshua wrote:

Sorry Elyah, somehow you have a point. Even though everyone says: ok, don't do this, it's too big for you, or you will fall flat on your...

Then I go and do it.

I am crazy that way. But not only that, I worked that day cos I felt that my girls need me.

But last night I wanted to go for a run (it was kind of late, around 1am) and then I didn't since it is kind of strange at that hour.


I am just trying to say, that I am not coping. And that is not so bad.... As long as I keep moving slowly and accepting who I am and the gift I have been given, even if it feels painful at first...

And one of those pains is, that I still haven't seen Hobbit. I read the book though.... Hm, I must get it....

So I am back, 8 days clean.

Yesterday I did a 1 hour run. That is big for me, I almost , but then I remembered my bad results that happened because I acted out.

I will never forget how I lost a teaching job (I had three groups of students at this firm, then I lost one group) because I am this crazy person...

Again did a 1 hour run yesterday, today I have trouble walking... But went outside with baby.... I must admit that usually I make a 2 hour walk, but this time; i felt really tired... So I read a bit...

Well, I didn't think i will manage everything when I came back, but somehow, Hashem did it. Vau! Baby fed, made lunch and now waiting for my wife.... Seems ok so far....

Guys I ran 12,5 k race with my two cousins. The track took us over a hill... I loved it. And ran all the time. I felt like I am moving something, something in me

THE SLEEPER MUST AWAKEN...


No, for real. I ran because I am an addict and because I can't afford to act as I used to.

I ran 1:15 (there is also a little hill there from 292 m we climb to 426m).

Anyway. Baruch Hashem.

Yesterday night I had a fall schmall.... Today is a new day.


Darn it was just like the last time. I was working late till 3 am. I finished my work though, but I browsed schmutz too. Perhaps the thing I don't like is, that i am not feeling too depressed (it wasn't a hard fall, with my favorite shmutz and I didn't m*). So it feels like, hey I did the work, hey I got carried away, but no big deal, I can handle this...

But the truth is I am an addict and that is all I wanted to say right now.

I have to work on this, get prepared when I am about to work...

All the best to You all
Michael

Vow, what ever. I am banging my head against the door thinking, why in the world would You want to create me!????

I had a slip yesterday, but that is no big thing. I worked till 2 am and I am working now... That is my trigger, but I managed to stay sober by praying.

But today is a new day and I feel the lust but there seems something else bothering me. That is life.

I am alone, so alone. My wedding ring is there on the shelf and nothing is really wrong or I didn't separate with my wife or anything. But we did have an argument and I put my ring on the shelf.


So why the bother Hashem? I will be gone in 50 years, probably way sooner, anyhow? Why? Nobody gives a *** anyhow...

So, thank you for keeping me sober today and now I am back to work. Inspite of everything, I can't let my wife down. Then I am truly walking dead...

P.S. I am reading the white book now, didn't do it today though, but i must. I like it, it helps, I am starting to see new things.

I put the ring back on. Resentment i read in the white book is something i have to let go, just like my lust. Uf, i am alone and hopeless now.

gotta work, sorry

Did you ever join one of the anonymous 12 step phone calls? It might help.

I just had a slip, i feel terrible about everything. I didn't browse anything and haven't opened any pictures, but i did type schmutz into the browser, just stopped there then, not opening the links. I feel like in a dead end with all the problems at home and all the wishes for the future for me, my wife and my child. I can't cope and I would really like to act out.
I am so powerless over all these problems, so helpless.... I can't do anything.

Phone group. Yes I talked to Elya, and that helped a lot. I promised him that I would get a phone number of the group, to have it ready. And I did that.

I have some financial problems though. I mean I put all my money in food and bills and so does my better half. The bills are getting to high though. I am from Europe and with my last call with Elya, I payed 120 EUR. That is a lot for me....

Sorry gotta go...

you gotta get a phone card dude..
or Google voice, or skype or whatever...

So I had another fall.

I will leave everything blank this time. I haven't got any time, I feel broken... Darn it isn't blank anymore.

I am reading the White book and I am reading Dov now.... But what I am doing is not working. Actually I am living just like I did before only work harder and here and there I try to read, try to run, try to daven...

So I pressed the reset button.

And I am broken.

you need a Paradigm shift dude!
don't give up,
and hop over to the Practical Kabala thread when you got a chance.

Hey, threadmaster! Your posts are always great to read, thanks, Yehoshua. Real straight. And so sorry to see you are going through a rough time, right now.

"Ding!!" Reset.

I know what you mean and how it feels.

OK. So now, where to from here?

What action(s) of recovery does Yehoshua want to take? - or better yet, what action(s) of recovery do you not feel like taking?

Let's press a real Reset button this time. Just for today.

I haven't been so sober in a long time and I am really feeling something change. I find that resentment is really a big issue for and I need to work on that. Plus that thing that Dov wrote for Zvi and gibber quoted Tatty, you know all about the fantasies that popped into my head....

I wrote them down, thanks guys it saved me yesterday and is giving me strength today.

Yesterday I was working really hard at everything keeping those words handy, speaking them every time it popped into my head. Then had a little argument with my wife....


I am sorry my wife if you ever read this, but I write it cos I love you and I want to be a good husband and I really want to be REAL in my relationship to Hashem (G-d) and to you and our daughter. I really want to make you happy and make our life mean something, I love you.

Yes my wife and I had an argument. And I felt really that she was wrong on something, I bought this thing and she wasn't happy with it, despite the fact that we talked about it and agreed on it (true we talked about other things to buy too, but this what we agreed) And it was all wrong.

Now I felt like I overcame myself, prayed to Hashem to stay sober and to do the job and even do it. Can you imagine, I accomplished my task. And then, why in the world did you buy this!?

So I went to the other room, just before I usually explode and I prayed, I prayed how knew and could for my wife. And then I could return (I did everything silently, nobody realized).

So, I will ask:
Guys, Dov what do you say to overcome resentment!?


Anyhow it was beautiful after that, still had some praying to do, but I am sober. Really for the first time, I feel really sober and moving. I mean I was off that drug, but never stepped back into life. I mean I did ok, I don't want minimize all the sober days till today, they are great. But this resentment was eating me all up and I need to work on that further, but just realizing this and trying to daven on this, is giving me a feeling of real freedom.


And Mr. Emunah, what do you mean practical kabbalah, where!? I will browse it. And thank you for the post :-)
Dov thank you, I will start taking steps...