Sorry for not posting, I do seek advice and I am grateful for any.

Well, I am sober.... Can't believe it really, but I am. I work from morning till evening, our baby was a bit sick, but that was ok, then lost weight, but we are coming around...

There is however always time to act out. No time to post. But to act out, yes.

So these days I still do what I did. Yesterday my wife wanted to see some show about models, and I was too tiered to do anything, I fell asleep on the couch (so strange to use that word "fell".... ) Anyhow, there was nothing p* or s* about it, but you know an addict. In bed I started fantasizing and got carried away in my thoughts, but the I stopped by saying: I am powerless, thank you for this pain Hashem.

Slowly my body started to relax, bit by bit and I was grateful, I could fall asleep (that word again):

Elya I wish I were a machmir, but to be honest I had to look up the word's meaning in google. That's how much a machmir I am ( feel like acting out thinking how unjewish I live, I hate that, how unreligious I live, I feel like I don't bring Shehina to earth....vow). But I will post more, I know, my sobriety depends upon it!!! What did I leave out?

Gevura, vau tnx for those words.

Mr emunah, tnx.. I love you too.

P.S. Can I ask this, please forgive, this not the place. How does one celebrate sukkot when it is really cold outside and you actually live in a city?

***

sure lust, of course. The element of lust, Elya you are so careful, and at the same time the frum guy who said m* on the telephone. That word felt good that day, cos it finally came out. Fresh air. Really a good feeling.

The model show. Well what triggers me is the fact that i didn't do anything, I watched a stupid show on the telly. And I got carried away yesterday too, I played a video game on my comp, man I shot so many germans.... It's kind of great cos I can understand what they are saying as I come to their rear or surprise them,....

Hm..... I am not a very productive person....

But the show itself didn't really have any lust elements other than that.


Well this is an honest place. So ok, one element there is. So don't read further if you don't want to get triggered (i will not use any bad language or explicit...)

I am sorry to say, but one of my main perversions is imagining myself as a woman. It's sort of an escape for me, like p*. And if I look at that show (since it really is meant for young female viewers) in that particular way, then yes... it is all about lust.

In my bed it is right that feeling that got me lusting. Then I said thank you for the pain. And it went away, i could fall asleep. Baruch Hashem.

Have a gut Shabbes you all!

Vow, Elya you deleted your post, how in the world can I quote nothing now!????

i really don't understand why you did that. I hope I didn't write anything wrong, I am always deeply grateful for any comment you make, really

yehoshua wrote:


Like this:

Eye.nonymous wrote:

Thanks for sharing that Yehoshua, you are certainly not the first (or last) of us who uses/has used pretend-femininity as part of our lusting, at times. Many have described behaviors along those lines and it is so good to read you getting it out a bit, here. Though the forum is not the place for openly describing the details, you can find safe, clean friends to open up with about it whenever you feel the time is right and completely leave that behavior behind thereby. Our shame about it attaches it to us, apparently.

Pity more do not do what you have done here, though it may only be a start...

Do you mean the phone conference?

And Dov, thank you for noticing my little P.S. about actually my main perversion. I just want to say that I really don't want to pretend being a woman. I actually don't know is it because I played with my sister and she got more attention from my dad!?? Or is it cos I think women have it easier or are less worth, is it self-inflicted punishment or is it just a plain drug LUST, that is getting stronger every time. Perhaps if I continue with acting out I will have more and more crazy perversion....

I saw this video by Sunitha Krishnan, an indian who fights agains child s* abuse. Horrific (I really wanted to explore the struggle agains p* as a wakeup for me). I saw it some time ago, but when I acted out suddenly I lost that feeling for my daughter. Not that I wanted to molest her, but suddenly everything was a bother to me and I didn't feel like making her steps easy and fun... You know just in the moment when she needed me, I was emotionally indifferent. I did everything, but emotionally I was away. (but that was a long time ago - not this last fall, i felt like that before the last fall)

Now Baruch Hashem, He has taken away that and I am emotionally here. I really care, I mean I feel.

But if you guys follow this post you can see what I am getting at. I really don't want this sickness to progress to a point where I will find child abuse less disturbing and then slowly start browsing for that content. But I was indifferent emotionally and that scares me.

Wow. So often I share that when I am in lust, everyone - especially those I am closest with and love the most - is just a big pain in the behind. An annoyance. The chinuch of my children, nurturing of our marriage, listening to anyone (expcept a porn goddess), or any real life at all...I can do them! But they feel a waste of my precious time. After all, I could be busy fantasizing or masturbating myself now! "What a pity," my heart tells me in lust. It is good to be in sober recovery. It is a different life entirely.

It is so very precious to recognize and admit that! Admitting it to a friend on the phone or in person is a real action of recovery, and we change as a result...slowly. Change that is real seems like it is less significant. But like the eating away of a wall by termites, the little bugs' efforts seem futile -- until the wall collapses and then everyone looks for the bomb! It was little termites. A bite here and there over time collapses an entire building.

Last time I checked, figuring out where our main lust issue stems from is stimulating (and quite ego-satisfying) - but a useless delay. Real recovery takes time because it is a G-d-given response to our actions. Not like the pushing of a button, but more like setting a real process in motion. Like growing up in response to hormonal changes, life circumstance changes, and responsibilities. It does not quite 'happen' now, or then, but grows and is real, with most change being recognized only after it has already taken hold for a while. We only learn 'in the field'.

Just like your acting out produced a real change in you so that you felt less for your daughter - real actions of recovery make real changes in us over time. I think you are so on the right track it's crazy!

so sooner or later i will have to this: i had a fall, some days ago. I was working late and I couldn't get ahead so I went and browsed and of course I m*, but i didn't e*. Before I would be really happy with that, because when i got caught in the shmutz i would act out (m*) a lot. But now, again falling after such a short period of time (1 month since my last fall) was a bit of a problem for me.

So i called Elya. Thank you Elya for giving me those few minutes :-), you said on the phone: I have a few minutes no problem... Then it was an hour. Thank you for that hour.

Then my wife asked me, who was I talking to for an hour since she couldn't reach me. I told her the truth, all of it, for the first time. I couldn't lie. As the result of that we are closer.

After that it has been work work work.

I don't know if one can feel it from this post, but somehow I feel at ease.

yehoshua wrote:


Eye.nonymous wrote:


Insanity: Doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results.

Sweet, Yehoshua. Facing the music and admitting the truth rather than lying, is one way that we face reality. And facing reality is facing the real life that G-d is giving us right now. And therefore, it is accepting G-d's Will for us.

That's huge, I think.

No?

yehoshua wrote:


Wow! If you are willing, could you fill in the missing part. What brought you closer? How did your wife react? etc?

If you aren't comfortable, just ignore me.

Thanks.

I was writing but i guess it didn't get posted

Well where should I start.

That post that got erased was very positive, I felt on top. And mr. weightlifter, I wanted to tell you just: I love my wife, she is the best in the world, and I can't say anything more... The same day, Hashem forgive me, I felt like throwing my wedding ring.

We had a fight, who cares what. I am sure, I was right. Nobody was really though.

I am still in lust, very much, I had keri day before yesterday. So, I had this fight with my wife and went then to the store after that, I drove like a maniac. Baruch Hashem, I didn't have a car accident. Then I went (late around 10pm) for a jog and I wondered why why why does Hashem let me live anyhow!? But there on my run I cried: how i am sorry i am in lust, sorry i'm an idiot, sorry i fantasize about being a woman, sorry about how I am not any real support, sorry i'm a burden.... (you can see it was a long run)

When I got home, I said I am sorry. And she said, I told you I was sorry way before. And we had cake.

So yesterday I wasn't taking Elyah's advice and worked late till 2, fed our little baby, and went to bed... I was on my way to act out yesterday evening. I stopped working for like a minute to watch Awakenings (i saw like 3 times already, at least 3 times... whatever) and then I felt like a loser since I had still so much cleaning to do.... Then I stared checking channels and found shmutz... But before anything started to show, I went away.... back to Awakenings... Darn, how stupid.

Then I heard my daughter cough. Went to look and found her sleeping, just a cough... But then I just shut down the telly and went to work...


Dov, it's huge. BUt is it huge enough? I think you might have point there. This just the beginning.


Gibbor, sorry I can't explain. Sorry. It is an honor to have you, I mean it, the weightlifter here... And I want to tell everything. But this is how i did things before. Forgive me, please.

No need to apologize, just asking, you do have the right to remain silent .

There is no real rush. Honesty and yichud hama'aseh (becoming one real person, not two) is a process for us, subtle at times, and there is a learning curve.

So what do you think about the Hobbit?