I had another dream, a wet dream and I must ask again: IS THIS A FALL?
I struggle and fight myself and in my dreams I slip and fall. Forgive me, I must tell my dream somewhere, since I fear that it might lead to a real fall. As you can imagine, I really feel like acting out.
I was in some public office, there was another friend (a film director) who was, as I, trying to get funds for the movie he is making. Now I know, that he is really responsible person, has children and I like his work. Anyway I was in the company of a man, that I don't know, but he seemed familiar (I couldn't see his face).
Please stop reading, if you feel weak or might get triggered. I will not write anything specific or p*!
In the room there was also a woman clerk in her 50ies or something and she leaned on me. And I knowingly leaned on her and then she asked, if I wanted us to go in the back or to her place. I said knowingly in the back. But that was the end of that for then, she just went behind the counter (with glass for protection).
So ok, it was my friends turn to go to the counter, where also the woman was. After he came out, it was my turn. I asked if she needed like a real production assessment as I was looking for a good title. I wanted to do a movie on my yoga incident (that I so egotistically described in nedermans thread) and I can't remember the name of the title, that I wanted to give my movie. So she handed me some pictures. Pictures of my wife (I have been thinking about her when I was thinking also about that woman, I was trying to resist the temptation), pictures of my grandmother and other family members. Then there was a p* picture of one woman and I just put it away, then another picture, it was also p*. I showed her that last picture, she smiled. And then I ejaculated and woke up.
I am so sorry about this, because I feel like, I could have resisted it . Like Yosef HaTzaddik to say NO NO NO. I didn't, but gave in.
And those pictures of my wife and family, all of them I put gently in my wallet, I don't know: why in Hashem's Name did I show that p* picture to the woman.
Is this a fall?
In some way I happy that it happened that way and I didn't go with her. But still I am sorry to have wasted perhaps a big opportunity. What would happen, if I were to have shown the picture of my wife!???
After I woke up, It felt like it was test. Is it the full moon when the yh gets extra strength and says, I am going to give the guy an unatractive elderly woman, a chance to get famous by making a movie and a touch of guilt (i felt like I wasn't good enough to get the funds for the movie, so I wanted to compansate by flirting, can you believe it)!?
People, if you feel like this is a fall, I will reset. I am here for the recovery and I don't want that to happen again.