So I have a colleague, a woman in her 50ies and she has a pinched nerve in her leg. She is on pain killers the entire summer, now waiting what the doctors will say, she had massages during the time she was on vacation.

Listen to this, she could afford them since she was in another country, now she can only depend on the western medicine. She can't afford a massage in our country.

What can I do? Oy weh, we are so helpless. I would like to give her money, but I don't have any, I would like to give her a massage, but I don't know how to, I would like to help her, but I am not sure that I can....

Hm. I have a number of a physiotherapist, he might not be that expensive. But. I did suggest the same guy to my mum and that didn't turn out well. The problem was, that my mum had cancer, we didn't know at that time, but the guy didn't make the effort to find out.

On the other hand. If it was me (and not my mum), I would be willing to try anything, for some it does good. Like Moses did, keep on going. Keep on trucking Bards says. Should I give the number?

Darn, we are really helpless. I can't give her the number in good faith, because she said, that she is afraid to visit a kyropractic - and my guy went kyrobeserk on my mum, so I am thinking, perhaps prayer is all I have.

I had another dream, a wet dream and I must ask again: IS THIS A FALL?


I struggle and fight myself and in my dreams I slip and fall. Forgive me, I must tell my dream somewhere, since I fear that it might lead to a real fall. As you can imagine, I really feel like acting out.

I was in some public office, there was another friend (a film director) who was, as I, trying to get funds for the movie he is making. Now I know, that he is really responsible person, has children and I like his work. Anyway I was in the company of a man, that I don't know, but he seemed familiar (I couldn't see his face).

Please stop reading, if you feel weak or might get triggered. I will not write anything specific or p*!

In the room there was also a woman clerk in her 50ies or something and she leaned on me. And I knowingly leaned on her and then she asked, if I wanted us to go in the back or to her place. I said knowingly in the back. But that was the end of that for then, she just went behind the counter (with glass for protection).

So ok, it was my friends turn to go to the counter, where also the woman was. After he came out, it was my turn. I asked if she needed like a real production assessment as I was looking for a good title. I wanted to do a movie on my yoga incident (that I so egotistically described in nedermans thread) and I can't remember the name of the title, that I wanted to give my movie. So she handed me some pictures. Pictures of my wife (I have been thinking about her when I was thinking also about that woman, I was trying to resist the temptation), pictures of my grandmother and other family members. Then there was a p* picture of one woman and I just put it away, then another picture, it was also p*. I showed her that last picture, she smiled. And then I ejaculated and woke up.

I am so sorry about this, because I feel like, I could have resisted it . Like Yosef HaTzaddik to say NO NO NO. I didn't, but gave in.
And those pictures of my wife and family, all of them I put gently in my wallet, I don't know: why in Hashem's Name did I show that p* picture to the woman.

Is this a fall?

In some way I happy that it happened that way and I didn't go with her. But still I am sorry to have wasted perhaps a big opportunity. What would happen, if I were to have shown the picture of my wife!???

After I woke up, It felt like it was test. Is it the full moon when the yh gets extra strength and says, I am going to give the guy an unatractive elderly woman, a chance to get famous by making a movie and a touch of guilt (i felt like I wasn't good enough to get the funds for the movie, so I wanted to compansate by flirting, can you believe it)!?

People, if you feel like this is a fall, I will reset. I am here for the recovery and I don't want that to happen again.

My not so humble opinion -

Not fair to count a dream as a fall, there was no consious desicion at all.

All the best!!!!!!!!

thank you Chaim

To be honest it sound like your sub-conscious was just throwing together a couple of isolated incidents in your life all together and putting them in the form of a dream. It was not in your control so dont worry. Last night I aslo had a most disturbing dream but not related to lust in any way. I was watching a group of young children at my school who were playing catch. This one kid kept dropping the ball and it was all because he was holding his tzitzit beged in his hand. So i told him to put them on and he would be able to catch. But then he tells me that he cant becuase he is scared that he might fall asleep and his father told him that its asur to sleep in tzitzit. I told him that that it is rubbish and it is totally mutar. But now the disturbing part comes and I dont know from where this part came from. His father was sitting right there and he walks up to me really angry and starts tying me up in tight chains and it was very painful. I dont know what happened next but all I know is that he posted a video of it in a website for really disturbed people. And in the dream I saw the website - there were vidoes of rape and torture and adverts on the site for dismembering people. It was an extremely disturbing dream and I woke up at that moment. I dont know where it came from becuase I am not into any of that disturbing stuff in any way. But I calmed myself because it was all beyond my control and Hashem planted it in me for whatever unknown reason. Anyways sorry to rant on and have a good day!

Such a dream is perhaps an indication that perhaps you've got some deeper recovery work to do, but as you were not really conscious it doesn't count as a fall.

Tnx yedmaster. Like Elya I would like to think that our dreams really have some practical meaning and that I wake up and say: Ok that's covered, now I know what to do.

I read that we have different types of dreams. In the life Yosef we see that. First Yosef has, then the baker and "bartender" and then the Pharao.

But I don't know much about that. I guess the "Iwri" in us does the interpretation, that part of us that is beyond the physical. Since I am like the Pharao on the outside, I suffer from my dream and I want a cure. So hopefully there will come a voice saying: In your dephst there is in Iwri and he has the cure. Then I will let him run the show.

We'll guys it happened, I am a dad of a beautiful girl, Baruch Hashem she came into this world on 21st of August. La vita e bella!!!

My fatherhoods leave is over and I am back to work.


AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE BEST PART ABOUT MY RECOVERY!!!! I KNOW HOT TO CHANGE A DIAPER 8)

Big things happening, Baruch Hashem

Mazel Tov!!!!!

Don't forget to get an infant carrier for the Monster Truck!! ;D

And enjoy the diaper changing!! :o

;D

yehoshua wrote on 12 Sep 2012 06:01:


MAZEL TOV!

I think it is a healthy sign that you didn't get to the computer to post until AFTER your leave with helping out your wife with the new baby.

--Elyah

Maybe I just want to write how I hate working and how I just slipped and want to go ahead and fall.

I am at my computer, late at night and I can't believe that after all that I went thotugh I am willing to go and act out. There is like nothing stopping me, so I wanted to write here.

I feel like if I fall today, now or any time in the future I will really be down. But this is the way it is. I am slipping and that is the sign, I am not doing well.

I have tried to incorporate the old method, that I used before. Any time that I got a lust attack, I would mark the time on a piece of paper and then pray for the help that I think I would need.

For instance. Like right now, I am stuck with this assignment: I have to write a filmography for our professors so that we would get funds from the government agency that funds our school. To be honest, my work will not move anything, but on the other hand, it would be wise to do it good (especially in these days). So the professors write all sorts of things and I can work out a system by which all professors would have similar lists. Here is where the pain comes in and the feeling: I WANT TO ACT OUT.

But I really don't know what to do. I am afraid to turn to anyone and I have to have it done by tomorrow. I must say that I just got the job yesterday and have been working on it ever sincce.

I also must admit that last year I didn't give it much thought and just made a list from out database (which hardly covers all the work the professors did - like the database has 20 hits and in reality the professor did 200 titles). But last year nobody said anything. My boss told me then to do it simple, not to worry, but this year I know better.

Somehow I put the stress on me by myself, because I really want to do it good. So that is a good thing. But now I am stuck.

Maybe the old method is not working because I don't want it to work. I really think that I need to escape and punish myself at the same time by acting out. I really want to blur it all out.

Maybe I don't believe that Hashem can help me, Heaven forbid. But that isn't the main reason, maybe I feel like I have the right to blur it all out, the right for a little getaway.

Perhaps I should start praying for a little getaway and a little problem solving. Perhaps He can help me solve my problems. And in this same moment, when I want to pray for a solution, something in me says: I need a solution now and not some daydreaming, not some tralala hocuspocus.
That must be my YH.
I get so anxious, this is the moment I have been waiting for, here is where I let go and let G-d. But I am afraid of tomorrow, I will get the same way, how will I face my deadline???

Deadline or no deadline, He still remains He. I remain a Jew and He gave me my life, my health, my family, my friedns and the potential to develope as a human being t grow and come close to Him. It would be good not to be depended, small minded, slow, lazy and stupid. It would be good to know all the answers.

It would be good if I could cry at any given moment and beg for His help.

Then I would not worry about the future and its deadlines, I would simply give it my everything.

Hashem I would like to cry right now.

I am stunned by the strength of my father in law and my mother in law. They work from morning till dusk, retired professionally, but they manage so much. Of course when they go to bed, they feel like they feet will fall of.


Now, my wife, my child and I are alone. We have to manage by ourselves. I would like to be the same, have that same focus and that same smile at the end or in between chores when something comes up.

When I can hardly stand, then is the time to learn, it's not about me, it's about work itself, about results. For instance, a farmer can't afford to think about his feelings, his state of mind, if he doesn't do his work, the winter will surely be the death of him. Isn't it then so much better, to do that work with joy?

So every time I go to the internet in search of motivation, to feel that need, that a farmer feels. But the truth is, the farmer never looks for motivation, slowly but surely, he must get up before sunlight and gets to bed after dusk. Maybe the farmer has a dream of a field full of crops and that makes his heart sing.

And I love to see my wife and my little girl smile, then I sing. ;D

I am thinking about my job and the need for doing some artistic, some creative work in the realm of film. But I guess first thing is first, I have to have a good and functional archive - that is actually what I do.

Hm....

First thing is first, I have to find focus and be of real good quality as archivist.

But will life then pass too quickly...

I can't help it. I trying to stay sober, but it's just so hard. To have my character faults and remain sober is really a big deal. Would Moshe stay sober if he were as lazy, stupid and borrrrring as I am.

I had another wet dream last night, I can't help it.

And the night before this one I felt so powerful, because I was dreaming about a version of a female pop singer. In that dream I felt close to the woman in a friendly way, we even hugged, but then she wanted more and I backed off. Can you believe it? I went away to find my wife and I stayed sober in my dreams.

But this night it was different. I don't even remember the dream, I just remember a red bus!?????

Is it my nature? Is it because my wife just gave birth and I have this natural need!? Or is it my lust!?

With these character faults I can't even know the difference. Anyway, I am still fighting with my lazyness. :'(