hey! remembersd it's adar didn't you!
hang in there
moshiach's on his way

[he's descended from dovid hamelech]

DAY 83

I hate bein heavy, so please Hashem, today wanna be light. Real light, like the thoughts of a summer day. Or the thought of picking the manna.

All the best to you guys!

Baruch Hashem!

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 21 Jul 2011 18:50:

DAY 84

I am slowly starting to understand what it means to build a fence around Torah. Being too naive and thinking a feeling of happiness is a feeling to share with everyone, sometimes one has to protect it even from oneself. What alone from others.

I don't want to be negative, but I don't like to dwell on things and I really need to learn to be practical...

All the best to you fellow fire fighters. May we burn for Hashem only.

DAY 85

I am having real difficulties staying sober. I don't know what really happened, but I feel really without any will or joy or ambition. I feel like everyone knows so much more and that I am so stupid and so slow.
I have to be candid here. So I typed in some shmutz (cartoons would you believe it), and then I went away. It was almost instantly, but its enough for me to think about it. I can stop.

So I went back to my former posts and I wanted to find some positive character traits that I have (like I method of staying sober). So I want to be candid, I am candid - as one of my positive traits.

I think it was seconds, I was starting to fall, then I just turned it off. It all came back to me. I must admit that I fantasize about acting out (even though I never really acted out for real). For me it was always just viewing and m*, but never anything else.

I am so d* helpless.

But it started on that feeling of selfworth and the feeling that I am not doing my job properly.

We all have our ups and downs, and our "off" days when we just don't care and find ourselves wandering close to the edge...

I'm in that "gray zone" right now too. I feel like I've hit the wall, and lost all my motivation. I had another bad slip. And this morning i wanted so much to Daven well and cry my heart out to Hashem, but all sorts of stupid things got in the way. I feel like He isn't interested in me right now, and He's pushing me away...

I just have to keep on reminding myself of the good times, and I know that eventually the clouds will lift and I can be back there again.

Hang in there, you are a good person and true Monstuh Trucker. And have a great Shabbos.

Gevura!

Hi Yehoshua,

Ups and downs are a part of life, and it's normal.  I don't think it's possible to stay on the same level all the time.  We have weak moments, and stronger ones.  What does the most harm is when we feel down about feeling down.

--Elyah

Yehoshua. I'll add my two cents for all it's worth [imho more than two cents].
I think you're living in isolation.
Even here on GYE you never seem to communicate with anyone
yehoshua wrote on 02 Mar 2012 13:40:

why not pop in to someone else's thread? you're invited to mine anytime...

DAY 88

Hello, a new day.

First of all thank you all for your unselfish support. Reb Gevurah, it is beautiful with what tendernes and honesty you write, thank you, it means a lot. And yes, ups and downs, but for us addicts the downs are really painful. Perhaps it is the reason why I should start looking into others treads.

Zuggy you are right on point. I don't visit other threads, at one time, I felt so high and then read a post that almost made me fall. I was so depressed, I couldn't tell you. It's not that the person was bad or wrote on things that makes you act out. No, it was real, honest, to the heart. Yes, nothing wrong. But it pointed out things, that I couldn't deal with. He surely can deal with it and did deal with it, but I couldn't write even: "Hey, hang in there". I really didn't know what to do, what to say, I felt helpless, feeling it somehow must be this way and there is nothing to do.

But that was then. Slowly I am understanding, that time spend being sober and doing the 90 and beyond, makes a change. I slowly understand, that my addiction will not go away, I am a Beinoni, and I really shouldn't feel depressed about it, it would be really wrong and dangerous.
Anyway, looking back on my feelings when I read that post, I must say, that I feel differently now about it.  And slowly I will pop in other threads, gently and tenderly, for my sake and the sake of others.

Before I thought, that everything can be solved by will power. Now, I seem to have changed my viewpoint. I think nothing is solved by will power. We get these feelings and thoughts and it's nothing wrong with them, but a wise person knows where they lead. This is what one must learn. So if you feel that you are attracted to the same gender, I think it's not wrong, but if you are attracted, because you can't cope with every day life and it's a getaway, then it means certain death, eventually you become living dead. That is painful and I think it is the same with the attraction to other women.

It sounds simple, but it's not. Because how do we know the difference between honest attraction and a dishonest one? How can we tell between life and death, when death seems so much sweeter?

I had a dream last night. I dreamt of vampires attacking me and my mother. I had to fight them. So I looked up on the web, what vampires mean. They are sensual creatures, charming and deadly, they charme you and then they take everything away. It said on that web page, that it's a dream typical for the addicted. For those who know the harm, but can't let go of the charm.
I woke up tired from all the fighting. It was hard.

So how do we know the difference, in real life death is charming. But without charm, without passion, there is no learning, no future, we are also dead to everything. We must burn, but burn for life.

So I think it's a gift, to able to know the difference. I think all that we can do, is to pray to Hashem, to give us that gift.

yehoshua wrote on 05 Mar 2012 07:51:

Imagine! If you weren't a beinoni you wouldn't have the tanya because it's sifro shel beinonim...
The tanya says that at the time a person is doing a mitzvah, at least for that time, he is a tzaddik, so while you're posting on other people's threads, doing chesed, you're rising above your beinoni status....

DAY 90

;D

Now Moshe sees the glory of Hashem. I truly would like to be among those who made Teshuvah and may worship Hashem.  What is Teshuvah and what is worship?
I know diddly, all I know I am here and I know no other way to Him.

90? !!!
HAPPY PURIM

Mazel Tov!!!!

L'Chaim!!!

Keep On Trucking!!!!!

(but don't drink and drive!)

A Freiliche Purim!!!!!

Gevura!

Happy 90 Purim!
mazel tov!
keep growing

HAPPY PURIM  ;D

What a ride, thank you guys. That "wall of honor" gives me a sense of real honor, a sense of warmth, like on the top of the mountain. Baruch Hashem!