DAY 13

I new day and a new fight. This morning I really had trouble getting up, now I was at a meeting with another institution (our national TV broadcast house) and I really did my best to give as much as I could. I wasn't leading the meeting, so i was not central. Maybe I didn't give enough, but in any case we made some really good deals. It was a total success.

I keep thinking, could I work there, am I good enough to be working there? I am not that sure that I could. And that really, as you know, makes me want to act out. Oh dear.
There were also so many beautiful girls there - television, it's normal I guess. So if I would work there, would I have an affair, would I fall even deeper. If I were to become really good at what I do, would I fall deeper, could I resist all the pretty girls. I started thinking about this place, about GYE and thought, well this is a rock I can cling too, here is where quality is meassured.

I need that. I need to know what is truth, honest quality. That is what I truly wish, true quality of work and life.

Anyway, I would like to work there. That is also true.

I once did subtitles for them, a translation to be precise. And that didn't work out, they asked me to come down there and we had to go through them together. I found out that I made really many mistakes and that my translation as it was, was not good enough for broadcast.
Some years later I did another translation for them. And at that time I did a translation into the foreign language - german. They really liked it and I did quite many. So that's it.

Uf, I would like to work there. But I feel like I am not good enough, not worthy enough. And if I were, then I get lost in that fame feeling.

Anyway, work is concerned here. I need to set some standards according to other of course. But that always brings that feeling of frustration.

So many defects of character: fear, frustration, quest for honour, vanity and a superficial relationship to translating, to art, to work, to people.

Man, I feel like success means: a big paycheck, a nice car, a big house and women at your feet. That is superficial. And on the other side, I would realy like to be modest and I would like to find Hashem in everything.

I really do have issues and it seems like I don't even care about searching for quality, true happiness and to make my wife and my coworkers happy, make them feel worthy and least but not least, why don't I have the same power drive to seek for Hashem.

I don't.


Please Hashem, remove these defects of character. I haven't acted out today, but from where I stand, I have to think, feel deeper. These feelings seem far worse then the acting out, you know. As if the acting out kind of distorted the truth. Once I acted out, nothing else seemed important - only the addiction. I had just one problem - the addiction. Did I act out in order to have only one problem? I acted out to have only one pain - that pain I could handle...

But it is not totaly true, I can't handle the pain from falling, it hurts to much.

But this pain I am feeling in face of my own disgusting thoughts. Dear oh dear. Please Hashem, remove these defects of character.

i josh!
if you think that achieveing all your dreams will make you happy, think for a moment, imagine that you got all those flashy nice dreams materialised, you got a caddy escalade, got a big marble fronted house with a swimming pool inside, got a bank account of 25 million dollars cleared cash, all those girl around your feet, etc... etc...
after its all setteled whithin you, after the first initial happy fades away, lets give it six months, now what? and you are still not happy, what more possibly can you do, you try every thing possible, vacationc, hotels, rocket flying, sky parachuting, etc... etc.... and you are still not happy, then you will realise that NOTHING in the world will make you happy, happiness does not come from wealth, in fact welthy people are alot more depressed then poor people, and v/s poor people are much more happy then wealthy people, go into your local shul try speaking to a few wealthy people, you will immidietly notice that they have no patiance, they run out of shul in order to avoid any freindship, when in contrast the poor people are nice warm and freindly, so if you want to be happy you dont have to be poor, but you need the essence of poverty, which is understanding that money does not equal happiness, hapiness comes only by feeding your neshomo, doing mitzvos, learning shiurim, having a daily routined life.
by the way, these pretty girls are not sex objects, they dont dream of having an affair with you not with anyone, they dress like that because its their job dress code, and you know that good and well, what do want from them, do you want them to cut off their breasts? they are normal human beings who merely want to make a living, look (dont look) at them like robots

Shmeichel, I find your reply offensive.

I posted about my thoughts and not my actions. I posted also, that I don't want to be those thoughts, asking Hashem to remove them.

I wrote:
Man, I feel like success means: a big paycheck, a nice car, a big house and women at your feet. That is superficial. And on the other side, I would realy like to be modest and I would like to find Hashem in everything.

Shmeichel please notice, that I didn't write DREAMS. I wrote that these feelings of mine are SUPERFICIAL and that truly my inspiration lies elsewhere.

Please, essence of poverty is understanding that money does not equal happiness!? That's an oxymoron. If wealth has nothing to do with happiness, why would the lack of wealth have anything to do with happiness?

Cut their breasts!? You are kidding right? Please, that's your idea and not mine.

I just wrote that I have bad thoughts and that I want to become a better human being. Becoming a better human being I believe is in acknowledging my feelings and my thoughts, admiting that I am helpless and asking Hashem to remove these defects of character and searching to perfect myself in thought and action.

If I missunderstood it, please forgive me, I didn't want to offend anyone. And I don't want to offend you Shmeichel. I would like to remain sober and I would like to remain a part of GYE. If it is not possible, then please tell me so and I will respectfully leave.

dear josh!
i apologise, i misunderstood you
i was just relating to the way you brought out those thoughts
please forgive me
i am all the way with you on that logic of acknowledging that we are unperfect

Thank you Shmeichel, i got really scared, thank you.

DAY 19

Back to work and it is unbelievable how I am. I am helpless and yet I want to be a G-d fearing man, a hard worker, independent and strong, a good husband, who is caring and loving and I have the boldness to ask: Hashem what should I do?

Another day and another fight. I am so scared and I know that is a major defect of character.

I must admit, that I spend the weekend mostly on the couch. My wife and I did everything, cooked, did the laundry, cleaned, visited her parents, visited our friends. A very normal weekend, but we didn't do any work. I didn't start on a translation I found, she didn't do any homework for her new studies. All in all one could say, we didn't do anything big and that makes me kind of sad and frustrated...

So here I am. Frustradet.

Today is a new day. I am helpless Hashem, please tell me what to do!!!!

DAY 21

I wrote on day 20, but I forgot to post. I am sorry about that.

I would really like to become a better human being. So I got this idea to start reading in the morning on chabad.org. I did some learning before, but I didn't really stick to it. I want to change somehow, doing an inventory of my learning every week or so.

This inventory is very important and best portrayed in the story of the farmer who worked with a blunt axe (or saw) and didn't have the time to fix his tools: Look how much work I have, I don't have time to fix my tools.

So the tool is me.

Dear Yehoshua,

I have found the best way to learn is I load up my mp3 with all sorts of interesting shiurim and classes and I even listen to them while working, painting walls etc, and on thrusdays I listen to stuff about the parsha and then I have something to say at the shabbos table, without having to focus too much or even open a book. It works for me and can work for you too. 

I have even learned some dafim in Gemara Shabbos 30 - 33 very fascinating stuff !!!!!

if you tell me you are serious then i will share with you some treasures online where you can download clips.

Some relating to shmiras eynayim etc. as well

for an ADD like me it works...

HY

Hashem Yaasfeni wrote on 29 Dec 2011 20:23:

Why not share with us all?

Because I have posted the links before a couple of times and it seemed no one was interested. so now I am being coy.... and playing with your curiosity and waddaya know, people are interested. 

You can download the Shmiras eynayim clips here:
guardyoureyes.com/live/component/zoo/item/windows-of-the-soul-group

If you want more shiurim I have a great link for rabbi Avigdor MIller, fabulous stuff to listen to...just let me know

With love and support,

HY

Avigdor Miller - Pretty Please  :-*.

DAY 22

Thank you for the link, I don't have an mp3 player - yet... :-) But it's a great idea, I have a friend who "read" (listened) many books like these.

I got up early today and started to read the comments by Rashi, uf it has been a long times since I did that. So step by step. Hashem help me please.

Have good Shabbes you all.

MP3 players are not expensive these days and good when you are walking in the streets. You can still listen from your computer but at home.

Here is an amazing source for Rabbi Millers Z"L shiurim.  Mussar said with love and maturity.... very rare and the only way I am able to listen myself. Let me know how you find him. Start with the different Inyonim 9 clips and go from there :

www.kolhalashon.com/New/Ravs.aspx?&Lang=English&Path=English%7cEMusar%7cR7517-2&English=True

Hatzlacha,

HY

 

fyi, here is another source for great shiurim on many topics:
www.jewishheritagefoundation.org/index.html

Hello Zemmy and Yehoshua and everyone else.  This class is great fro parshas Vayechi and relates to the mitzvah of guarding the bris and preventing Z"L Chas Veshalom....

"Guarding the seed of life"

Parshas Vayechi given by Rabbi Yosef Yitzchak Jacobson SH"Y. 

This is a great Shiur from the CHabad perspective, can be viewed as a video, or download the MP3 at the bottom. The haunting song at the end is also brilliant, taken from the words of the gemara.

theyeshiva.net/Video/View/61

Hatzlacha to all,

HY