Today, after a nice streak of seven days I fell big time.

Uf, i am sorry about this one. Kind of a releaf. So much stressed just went out, but also my knees are shaking, I am shaking for real all over my body. I am really afraid. And I feel realy bad...
My wife is away and I feel so afraid and alone. I cant stand alone, without my wife I am shaddow. And I wanted to stay sober this time and I couldn't, I am so sorry . I feel like I want to puke. I  am sorry.

It happened so many times, so here goes again.

I am at work and I viewed p* and m* at work. Can you believe that, I am really sick. And it wasn't the first time.

I slipped today a few times, but I got up, went through my 12 steps and wrote down everything. The only part that I didn't do is, that I didn't want to come here and write about my slip. The slip was actually a fall already, I viewed p*.
But somehow I went through the steps and it was ok, but then I sliped again and again, until I finally like I don't even care, I ejaculated. Then I went to the bathroom and I m*.

I have been feeling bad this morning already and yesterday also. But I didn't think I will fall like this again.

And now I did. I don't know what to do, I feel so worthless, so down, so ....

Why did I do it? I didn't feel like working, being lazy, just wanting, but I lack the energy somehow. Besides it was too much work, I am overwhelmed and I feel like I have no one. Also I am tired from watching films yesterday (I was trying to see some films that are important for my job, but i don't get around to see them since my wife doesn't like black and white movies - maybe she would like this one, I don't know - anyway that was my own fault). And I feel constantly afraid.

So these are my feelings, that I also wrote the first time as I was "only" watching p*.

So here it is, Micha fell.

I am watching the quote below from my own post. What do I do differently. Oh dear Hashem, I really did it this time. For a long time I didn't go to the bathroom like that, this is very very bad.

I have no special advice, just a listening ear.  I know what you mean.

thank you Gibbor, thank you

TaPhSiC Method - I will try to implent this.

So again what is PAIN:
being overwhelmed, being afraid, wanting to do something, but not feeling like doing, getting angry


Before I fall or when I will feel the pain and want to really act out.


I will go through the 12 steps,
writting down the inventory of myself on a piece of paper                                                                           
Then write down 5 positive traits of mine and 5 last acomplishments
and then write what I could do about this problem
and write  5 things that I can do for my wife and
than post on the forum.

If this doesn’t work and I will imidiatly give 50 $ Tzedaka
I will pray for at least 5 minutes
I will take a walk for 10 minutes

After I fall
I will give 10 $ Tzedaka
I will post on the forum
And I will call someone from the GYE

DAY 1

I am having trouble staying sober, it is my first day now. But I haven't clicked or even typed anything bad. Allthough I do keep thinking about it. Feelings of lust mix with the feelings of regrets and worthlessness.

Somehow I really try to focus on my positive traits and go from there (i printed a list of many positive traits and I write them down on my peace of paper). I feel that I am making progress in my work, I just get so overwhelmed.


So now, it is time to do again and again and again. Like I read it here, a thousand times is not enough and one time is too many times.

With best regards and I wish you guys a good SHABBES!

Keep at it Yehoshua!  Have a good shabbos!

hey yehoshua,

a friend and brother here. we're here for you. I find listening to classes, a real voice helps me a lot to keep my eyes straight. But if you are in front of the computer you already have no bechira !!! We need to treat the pc with respect. only do what is absolutely necessary for work then just shut it and leave.

You feel bad now, just wait till your wife finds out, because in due time she will --- I guarantee it !! You may as well make the decision to let go of this lust once and for all, but just one day at a time.

Start by listening to these clips, download onto your mp3 player. add a condition before you fall you will listen to 10 minutes of one class, thats all.

You can download the Shmiras eynayim clips here:
guardyoureyes.com/live/component/zoo/item/windows-of-the-soul-group

Have a great shabbos !!

HY

DAY 3

I don't know what to write, I am still sober. I am going through the designed method and still I feel a lot of lust.

Hashem Yaasfeni thank you for your guarantee and your link. I think my wife already knows that I am a loser and an idiot and that i am a sorry excuse of life. Everybody knows that. But thank Hashem, I know it too :-)
That is what makes me helpless.

However I must say, I am working really hard the past days. Yesterday evening I went out with a woman friend on a concert to meet some friends and we had a wonderful evening. Just being honest here, the woman friend lives with us and pays rent and we are friends. Anyway, the friends there have a special relation to life and I don't know what I wanted to say.
Maybe that I am still not content with who I am.  I still want to lose weight, still want to do some translations and become really good at it, I want to be a father and I want to give something to world.

Remarkable enough I read in Pliskins Marriage that envy, desire and honour seeking takes us out of this world. This are destroyers of life.

I printed out the positive traits and I fell on these points described by Pliskin. I felt yesterday that very clearly and when I was overwhelmed with these feelings I just said to myself, that I am alive and even though I am not as accomplished as the friends there, I am alive and this is my chance to be happy. And baruch Hashem, i was happy and bitter like every last time.

How does one avoid being jealous, how is one motivated for the right reasons (....I question the very question, did the Holocaus survivers care why someone saved them?)... I don't know maybe these character traits are not the best... I just know, that they helped me in the past days, it helped get to here. But now to go on...

Yesterday I cam home late and I didn't turn on the tv, I just went to bed. Today I read the newspaper online and I didn't type in anything. So that is my honour.

It is truly hard to emulate something like a kings behaviour. But I would like to be king, master of myself and my actions.

And to answer the point that Hashem Yaasfeni made, I would like to treat my wife like a queen. For real. A queen like Sara, Rebecca, Lea and Rahel. 

But truly I need to find the king quality in me.

So day 3.

I must also say, that I read the newspaper all morning and didn't do any work. Hm, I am going now to look for the king.

And life is over so soon.

DAY 4

I have many problems before me, but also some good moments. It paid off, that I worked so hard last week. I am however still in a state of fear and guilt from my last fall - that is no suprise.

But it reflects on my relationship with my wife. I do everything, but the feeling of total trust is missing in my heart - where I simply let go when I am with her. It will return, I am sure - I know it is there.

I must also add this. I may have fallen on the 8th of December, but I have never before been so determined and so careful in my spirituality - I do want to improve. Even in the time, when I was still a child. That is a big step for me.

But like many of you know. This is day one and this feeling of guilt is not good. On the other hand it takes my higher. What will happen when the guilt feeling is gone  - as an addict I like that feeling, it's part of my lovely cycle.

So I am still writting my little notes. I go through the 12 and do an inventory and also I add my positive traits that reflect in the recent 5 achievements.

Baruch Hashem, he has given me strength to accomplish. Maybe here lies the secret of Reb Schneerson's "moto" GO FROM STRENGTH TO STRENGTH.

All the best to you brothers.

yehoshua wrote on 12 Dec 2011 13:44:


Actually, Rabbi Schneersohn was quoting a KIng, King David who you seem to want to be. Instead of trying to be a king, why dont you just try to be a mensch, which isee you are doing so that is great, keep it up.

I still say, listen to the clips, they will help.

All the best, we're helping you count the days, just one at a time !!!

HY

DAY 5

Sometimes in utter darkness there comes a ray of sunshine, it brights up the room. But also, it makes you oversleep. What is utter darkness and what is a ray of sunshine, i will explain later (i am not ready yet).

When things are going really well, I think, then you get your bang on the head. No, no, no yiddele, it seems to say, don't get too high.

This morning at work they commended me for the work I have done and then a co-worker thanked me for a favour and wanted to know how much he ows me. Hey, I said, please nothing, don't mention it.

Well, I do like the mention and I do like the compliment. And that also seems to be the trouble, a trigger for me. I love that feeling of honour and I would really love to top that feeling, go even higher. I have to learn not to go there, honour seeking is a destroyer of life. Even in times of success it seems that we are very much helpless.

HY, thank you for the upbeat, I didn't know it was from David. You are right, a king is a king and a mensch is a mensch, but also a king can be a mensch and in Judaism a mensch can be a king, like David. Hey, it's good to be Jewish.

All the best to you too fellow Kings.

DAY 6

I believe that my list of traits correspond to the "constant inventory and admitting to be worng"-step. So I did what any addict would do when feeling bad in the morning. (I am helpless, please tell me what to do)

I couldn't get rid off the feeling, that my wife is going on my nerves and that two years  ago or even more, I looked at her female friend. And my wife was at the very same table. That image can't leave my mind. We were sitting at our table and she was dressed a bit unproperly and then the friend caught me looking at her. She glanced to my wife and my wife was looking away, so the friend streched to give me a better look. Lust. For that I am sorry.

That was the feeling of this morning, because I got up, like every day, before my wife, I made coffee and tea, I charged her phone, then I woke slowly my wife and then I ironed her shirt and mine. And today, I don't know why - probably because of the recent fall, made me feal, well pushed to the status of a butler.

I know it is not that simple and my wife does thousand things for me. I just feel like I don't have any time to waste. I really enjoyed wasting time. I really like doing absolutely nothing. But now I feel like I have an agenda.

And more, guys, if you iron a shirt from the outside then the realy nice shirt will lose their shine. So, I have to learn to iron from the inside...

These feelings are destroyers of life. Because believe it or not, I really do enjoy to iron - since I was a child. Because my uncle was a tailor perhaps and I find it somehow special - as child I also wasn't allowed to iron.

About the ironing. I know all that, but I see my charecter fault. I am careless.

And about my wife. I don't get up early enough. Plus, as you know, I am not frum and my background isn't either. I don't pray in the morning. I am sorry to write this to you guys - I don't want to offend you. Because I would very much like to pray, for some time I did (with tefilin) and now I don't. The problem is, that it didn't make me stay sober, sometimes it catapulted me back to sin. Or so I belived.
But the least I can say is, that one doesn't exlude the other. I can stay with the 12 steps and my inventory and still pray.

I would really like that.

So another fault of character. Too weak to do the things I would realy like. Getting up in the morning...

So please Hashem, take these defects of character away.

And to be honest, doing something, well anything for my wife, gives me huge pleasure. Doing little thigs like that actually gives me joy. But I've written what the real problem is - lack of my own growth. Getting up in the morning and praying. That would be beautiful.

Noon and I don't feel like working, my head hurts. I have done some work and I was so successful, now I feel like doing nothing. But I know I have to. I need to go make my inventory. I am hungry, but I wan't to lose weight. Hm, all at once. Can it work? It will be the first time. So, one day at a time.

Baruch Hashem!

I am sitting here in my office. A female collegue of mine asked me for some assistance on her computer. It's about excel and she can't change the data in her sheet. The problem is the macros and the security level. Now, as you see, I am an idiot in computer, but around here, I know a lot... Hm... Anyway, I tryed every trick, clicked all sort of things, called a firm that once gave us tutorin, but they can't solve the problem, that I called the ministry, that made the program, but no one is there... Oh, dear, I don't know how to save this problem. And I should have ended my work early today, because I agreed to tutor someone german language.

Ajaja. Nothing. This afternoon, just plain nothing. I lost hours and nothing.

Kind of bad if you look at it.

DAY 7

I don't know what to write. I have been very good this morning and I managed to pray. Uf, a big step for me. But now I have those lustful thought: hey I did so much today already, don't I deserve a little break, a bit of get away. The truth is, that always led to acting out. A destroyer of life.

My wife talked very bad of a roommate of ours, who somehow promises a lot and does very little. The roomate likes to be the boss, but never puts in the extra hours to prepare for the lectures. And that kind of reminded me of myself.

I like to be THE boss and yet I don't work hard. I don't do diddly. And now this feeling that I did a lot. Ok, I did some work this morning, but how can I get this feeling and it's only morning. I hate that about myself, I am so content with myself - only when someone comes along and says: HEY, YOU, THIS AND THAT HAS TO BE DONE BY EVENING, GET TO IT.

If I don't get that, I am like numb.

Another character fault, that I pray Hashem might take away.

So it's back to the lab again. Go through the 12 steps, write down the faults and the good things. And start boldy with Hashems help. Baruch Hashem, I did pray this morning.

It's afternoon. I haven't done much work today and I feel realy bad about it, because I had real many customers and I couldn't do anything else. Anyway tomorrow I will appear on a mocumentary, I will be the star guest and I don't realy know what should I talk about or what will I have to do, I don't know I am not so keen on talking about myself - I would like to talk about GYE - but ooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuu, that wouldn't be mocummentary, plus I am not ready to do so, anyway my wife should here it first, if I have to talk about that.
Yes, I think I hate myself. What will become of me, I feel like I really can't tell people: Ok, that's enough lets go home, I keep waiting and waiting. I am so sorry, I don't have any energy to do anything. Even to go home. So people kept coming all day long and we talked and talked and I did some things. Ajajaj.

Ok, these are the moments where I fell in the past. And I really feel like falling right now, it's been like this the whole day. You saw my writting in the morning. I haven't moved from that feeling in the morning. And yet I am afraid to push myself and to push assigments and do them promptly and without proper feeling. You know, as if the lack of inspiration might bring the wrong kind of result. Also doing them realy slowly might be very bad, but at least I feel, that it will not be my fault. But in the end nothing amounts to nothing.

Pfui, pfui, pfui feeling. Another defect of character. It's back to the 12. Oh please Hashem, let me go through the 12. Please, please, please, just today.

DAY 8

my thread isn't beautiful, it is not supposed to be. I am not a clown. Clowns are cool. So, be a clown, be a clown, all the world loves a clown. Remember Gene Kelly!?

The mention of someone's name makes a whole lot of difference. Hm, Hashem is close.

;D

DAY 11

Is the thrill gone? No, baby, I'm still rockin.  8)

So I am in the mid afternoon and I can sadly report that I haven't done any real work and that my mind is slipping. I want to look for schmutz so bad and I really can't control it. And that is a huge defect of caharacter.
I think that I can hold on, but the problem is, that I want to do some work also and just can't seem to focus.

So I want to be absolutely candid. I went to youtube clicked away and when I got to women dancing - that was already to much this time, I just closed the window. I did see any p* and I didn't m*. Baruch Hashem, you have given me the opportunity to be honest.

I also must admit that I was creative when creating a label for DVD. I have been constructive and helpful in offering help to my collegue, and I did the work for him free of charge. And in this I was selfless.

To be realy honest. I want to work right now, but can't find the focus. So please Hashem remove this defect of character and give me focus.

I couldn't focus, I needed something to play in the backround. I chose Sunitha Krishnan. She is an activist against child molestors or better yet she fights for the reintigration of the vicitims. With Hashem's help I will be able to help people who suffer too. Baruch Hashem.

I did my work. After working from 8 am to 17.40, I am going home. I have done a lot of work. There is still more work to be done, but Baurch Hashem, it has been successful.

DAY 12

Yesterday was really beautiful. I stayed sober all the way through and I did a lot work. When I cam home I vacumed and made dinner for my wife and our roommate and then we went to bed early.

Today I already did some work and now I will get up and do some more. I really don't want to neglect things, so that is a big character fault of mine. So Hashem, please, only you can remove it.