how many states is there in your country?
maybe you follow the gye state "forget about my state, just keep on trucking"

yehoshua wrote on 26 Oct 2011 10:05:


That reminds me:

When I was a kid I heard these old Jewish humor records (remember those big black circly things?), "The Yiddish are coming."

The chorus to the theme song went like this:

THE YIDDISH ARE COMING
THE YIDDISH ARE COMING
THOUSANDS OF MEN...
    LIKE THOUSANDS OF BROTHERS
MARCHING ALONG...
    WITH ALL OF THEIR MOTHERS.

Throughout the song there were little remarks by Jewish Mothers, such as:
    "Well, boys, you really cleaned up that battle field...  but next time remember to walk on the newspaper."

--Elyah

Shmeichel,  ;D

well, there is this joke about a Jew who gets stranded on an island and then after many years a ship comes to the island... Do you know this!? Well, anyway, as I was saying.... A ship comes and they rescue the poor stranded Jew. Now, the Jew is very happy, but it's not like he didn't do any work as he was stranded all those years. Actually he invites the crew to tour the island, take a look, what he done. So they go explore the island. The captain is very suprised however to see to synagouges, he wonders, why two!? One Jew, two temples? So the Jew says: In one I pray in the other I wouldn't be caught dead in.

Why do I have so many states? I wouldn't be caught dead in TRUCKING STATE.

And here another:
"I don't feel like doing this, I am lazy and I can do it tomorrow." - STRENGTH-TO-STRENGTH STATE - that goes like: "Me not feeling like working, me being lazy will probably cause real pain to others (I try to name people that would be hurt by this). I better pray to Hashem to give me more strength and to do even more."

Elya, my last state just prooves how right the JIDDSHE MOMME is!!!  ;D

Day 53

8) This one is for my yiddishe Momme, she is the best Momme in the world!

Where do I start? Perhaps at the beginning. I was born to my yiddische Momme and I did that alone. I made my first poo alone. Did I clean up the mess after me? Of course, I did it alone. When I think back, I didn't change that much. So here is to day 53, I did it alone.

Ok, that some heavy $%#$%# (read untruth). Nobody will believe the truth anyway... As long as I am an addict, I might as well tell the truth: I can't even breathe on my own. Not one hair on my head moves alone.

But what does all this mean?

Absolutely nothing, but it is good to be honest.

So back to, strength-to-strength state...

did you ever learn chovos halvoves shaar habchino
see the very first paragraph with the 3 reasons

Thank you Shmeichel for putting things into perspective. I must however admit that my education (especially Jewish education) is very very low, therefore would you please refer me to some site (link) where I could read more about this.
I must also admit, that I don't speak or read Hebrew. I started to learn, but unfortunately I had other priorities and to be honest, I didn't have the Sitzleder.

Please excuse my lack of knowledge. I must admit, I am not observant and have near zero Jewish education.

And to be honest, I love being here.

I would like to change my level of knowledge. But to be honest, changing that level didn't get me sober. So I stoped trying to work on that. I had a Chavrusa from South Africa, we would meet every week, but it made me sink only lower. I even told my Chavrusa a bit about my addiction (however I didn't say directly that I am an addict), but it sort of blocked our relationship. He also didn't like me reading Mussar, since he is a Chabad Lubavitsh. But that wasn't the real problem, the real problem was, that I wasn't a better person after or while or before learning.

So #%"%$"%&, here I am not getting any better in my Jewish education, the education kind of stopped. Now I stick to GYE.

you might want to seperate the two issues, working on your addictions usually has NOTHING to do with your level in yidishkeit, i am frum and yet was an addict.
learning mussar might push down your spirit, but if you take it as a mentor where you want to reachits a lot easier on the mind
good luck
try reading some a. twerski book like "angels dont leave footprints" or similar, they shine a light with the mussar view

So, you're now working on your GYE-ish education.

I hate to tell you this and to myself, but i fell...

How did it happen and why?

I am not a bad person. I try as best I can. But I slipped. And I am sorry.

I have been feeling badly the past days. I was depressed, because i got sick - a sore throat and headache. So I was just in bed and infront of the tv. I was and felt like a coach potatoe. Today I am still sick, but I decided to go to work anyway. I haven't done much work (in tune with the whole staff today).

As I was in my office I sort of slipped. On the way to work (on the bus) I read about a travel in Italy, where the author describes his visiting the film world of Italy. Anyway he writes about the women of the time, which gave me a feeling like:
Look back in the 1960 the old generation didn't have a problem writing about beautiful women of the screen, but on the other hand it did bring then the wild 60s. It is what probably triggered the Woodstock and such. So I said, I don't want to be part of that.

But somehow I tiped the name of one to me unknown movie startlett of the time, in order to know about her, since I am supposed to know all that.

Suddenly I slipped, that sip made me thirsty. I kept klicking on other images and started looking at porn. I didn't even touch myself as suddenly I got an ejaculation. So now I am here, still at work, writting this.

I am an addict, I am not like other people. I am so sorry.

I started hitting myself on the head with my fist - so that I wouldn't ejaculate. But it didn't help.

I don't know what to do now. I feel that it was good, that this happened. I need to take this on a another level. I am not doing this holistic enough.

And here I am still lusting.


I think that doing the states was very good and got me far. I let my guard down. I keep forgetting that I am not like everyone else. I can't afford a little bit of a beautiful woman and a little bit of depression and a little bit of laziness and a little bit of feeling sorry for my self, or worst of all, feeling that I am hero and nothing will happen.

You know, I don't have much motivation in my  life. But this one is hard lesson.

I made it far, I know I did. I struggled with my addiction every day, every day I asked Hashem to help me out. Only today I didn't do it honestly enough on every level of my life.

That is what happened!

I wasn't honest enough about how i feel and what i want and what bugs me, I wasn't praying to Hashem honestly.

I think from now on. I will ask Hashem first, thinking, feeling my every step, asking for His assistance. I am so sorry Hashem, I am truly sorry about my fall.

I wish I didn't do it.

Help me to live Hashem.

poor head got a slap
give it a nice pat
it worked hard to keep clean until now
wash it down with water or tears
put it in front of the driving seat and off you go again for a good start

Tnx Shmeichel

One step at a time.

Of course I feel like falling again and again. But I don't want to come home with that stain on my face and myself.

So day 1, I hate being the blue ribbon on that chart, I don't like everyone seeing my fall. I want to look good and I know that is a defect of character.

I must admit another thing. Sometime ago I read a post at the Introduction site by a someone who felt he was homosexual. And then the question came, is that to be cured. The answer is probably of course not, but this person is married, has kids. And perhaps he is not homosexual and just want to live out his fantasy.

Anyway. Before I read it, I felt like on top of the world. And then I read that post and I felt like I really can't do anything, I can't write anything and I don't have any solution to his problem. I was helpless, cos always I know what should be done, I just don't have the strength to do it really. But now, I don't even have a clue, what he should do.

Yeah, you are right. It bothers me cos I have been looking at porn so long, that ordinary schmutz doesn't do it for me. Of course, I am an addict. I drifted far in my viewing. I have to write this, so here goes. I look at guys who transformed them self to women. So that kind of corresponds to that feeling of homosexuality, that I saw that post.
And then I wondered, do I have a sickness or am I just different. Is that guy just different and all this 12 steps and %$#$#" doesn't apply to him. I know that I would fall far deeper if I were to live in a place where my behavior would be accepted. So in Sodom I would probably be right there in the center of shmutz.

I know that a true master remains a master no matter the heat, cold or anything else. So my feeling sick (the headache and the cold and temperature), can't be an excuse.

I know these feeling are driving me to insanity, they are my get away. I know that I have been a good person in the time of being sober.

When I overcame this need to get away, I felt so good and I could give so much. There is no other way then going through the pain, only beyond the pain is freedom to be who I truly am. On this side all these feelings are false and perhaps that is my answer to that post and to my feelings.

I went over the pain before and I felt so free and I could give so much and I could smile and I could love. I want to be free, so here I come pain.

i wish you all better
you have a special holy neshomo starving for food
striving for spirituality
clinging to its master
please give it some food, read some books on hashkofo
make a shiuer on halocho, like kitzur
say daily a bit of tehilim with your translation
just a little bit a day will make ALL THE DIFFERENCE!

Yehoshua,

I don't know if my post is the one you saw, but it could have been....

I have come to realize that the SSA feelings and the lusting problem can be separated out and need to be worked on separately. There are the emotional/psychological influences from the past that drove me to SSA feelings, and there are things that I am working on to alleviate and rectify that, and hopefully diminish the yearning for those relationships that are wrong and cannot be.

But at the same time I had a problem with M*** and P***, which is just lust like anyone else's regardless of what pictures we like to look at. And the same tools and methods apply to all of us. I am not doing a formal 12 step program, but I found that many of the principles are closely aligned with what is working for me. Davening hard, asking Hashem to help me and to take away the urge to lust, as well as watching my eyes and thoughts to the best of my ability.

So hang in there, try to get close to Hashem in whatever way you can. He loves you as He loves all of us, and is waiting for us to call out to Him so He can help and heal us.

And remember, the pain of stopping is good healing pain, so much better than the pain of acting out, which is torture to our soul. The freedom is waiting on the other side, you will get there.

Keep On Trucking!!!!

Gevura!

Sorry about your fall.

Hope you're feeling better.

uf, tnx Eye

wonders happen all the time in the Parsha, why shouldn't I believe in the miracle right now.