Oish!! I am so sorry for you my brother! I know exactly how you feel. We've all been there. It's so frustrating. A never-ending cycle of despair and confusion. Desperate for a hint from Hashem that he still loves you and for some clarity. You have a teiere Neshomo!! 

The best thing you can do now is to post and reach out to friends. Try to boost your mood with anything that makes you feel good. Don't be too upset with yourself. A fall isn't a dead end. It's a signpost showing you where to continue and what changes to make for the future.

And of course Hashem loves you to bits. כרחם אב על בנים. We're in a generation of הסתר פנים and can't always see things clearly but He is here. And you are a part of Him. Hopefully soon you'll find the strength within you to get back up and fight and win this battle for good!!! From your many beautiful, insightful posts on this thread, it is clear that you are very in touch with your feelings and have what it takes to win this battle בס''ד.

אל תתיאש מה' תבקש,
Keep strong,
UpAndDown

I could try to imagine what you are feeling right now, and my heart goes out for you as i am writing those words. Falling can feel crushing — not just because of what happened, but because of everything it awakens inside: shame, guilt, numbness, distance from Hashem.
You're a precious Jewish soul, struggling with something hard, and your cry — that raw, honest cry — is so beloved to Hashem. You are not broken beyond repair שבע יפול צדיק וקם was also written for you. 
So don't let this fall define you — let your rise define you. The fact that you’re in pain proves your heart is alive. The fact that you’re still reaching out proves you haven’t given up. And Hashem hasn’t either given up on you — not for a second. Stay strong my friend and i hope to talk to you in better times.