Keep soaring, brotha!!!

We need more people like you to help out others iyH. 

HUG!

Hi Bh today is day 40!!!! as muttel said yetziras havlad!!!
40 days of no M
40 days of being in control
40 days of not hiding from myself,my wife,and hashem
40 days of building back lost connection from myself my wife and hashem
40 days of fighting on the street to keep my eyes down 
54 days from watching P 
54 days from watching any entertainment
54 days not listening to the radio only shiurim 
Thank you to all my amazing mentors for helping me reach this goal and thank you to everyone on this incredible site for all the daily chizzuk posts! And of course to hashem, the siyata dishmaya I saw the last bit is incredible.
When I first started speaking to mentors and keeping myself accountable there were times that I couldnt handle it anymore and wanted to give up but I felt stupid to fall and then call my mentors... Which bothered me, that im not fighting for the right reason its not for hashem or to make myself a better person I just shter from other humans. Recently I saw a vort from R Tzaddok Hakohen that explains that when Yosef Hatzadik went to do the avaira (acc. to some shittos) and he didnt do it, because he saw a vision of Yakov Avinu. Its not kepshuto that he wanted it, but shtered from his father. Rather The yh convinced yosef that it was a mitzva he was destined to have children with her etc.. And when he saw his father who represents Emes. It woke him up that it was all the YH... So too us here fighting for freedom, just because we are sometimes convinced that its not worth it,  and were giving up and dont want to keep fighting its all the YH and sometimes we just need a mentor to keep us in place, to wake us up, and of course its what really want!!

He climbed the mountain
to the skies,
and then ascended higher 
Through the deepest primal darkess
into the roaring fire.

Higher now, in Lev Hashamayim
Hosts threaten to strike him dead
A mortal man dare not approach
where angel fear to tread! 

Yet for forty days he held on tight 
and reached until the Throne, 
For humble man posses choice 
In Malchus is his home- 

And sweeter than the sweetest power 
is when he hears the Voice
Banai Chavivi you’re the ones 
It’s YOU who are My Choice! 

KOMT!!! 
Love and admiration, 
Chaim Oigen

Hi Bh today was day 45 half way to 90!!!
Im finding it amazing that I learned so much about my struggle over the past 45 days more than the 13 years of the struggle itself.
1 point that ive heard from my mentors but im seeing it play out in real life. The YH always convinced me that this struggle is a constant battle 1 big fight and if I give it up my life will be a mess. The rest of my life will be 1 constant fight. Which is prob one of the reasons I never tried stopping seriously till now. But over the past 45 days I realize that its a lie even though its a fight but its not constant and on a average day im perfectly fine without it. When I get a urge then its a fight but usually they dont last to long and at most till the next morning. In a whole life is normal just a struggle here and there, and I have to be strong to overcome the urges. The urges dont really build up and day 45s fight is no dif. than day 1.
Its easy for me to understand that while im doing good but during the urges the YH convinces me the same thing, even though I know its not true. He makes it feel like 1 big battle and how long can you hold on for, how long are you going to live this miserable life..
Basically what im saying is that I realized the fight is more the mind set, than the urges itself and be"h once I really internalize this it will be so much easier. It will be a fight of one day at a time, one small battle at a time instead of one huge battle that im stuck with forever!

How ironic is it that a day after my last post I felt exactly the way I decribed.
Im in israel theres sirens at all hours im not getting to much sleep the kids dont have kindergarden. The lack of sleep is making getting up in the morning dreadful I cant concentrate by sedarim etc...
Today after another rough first seder I felt like crap and then the YH started his thing, That with everything going on im not going to be able to control myself from this nisayon its not the right time for fighting... He made me feel like the past 45 days were nothing the urges today arent any less than 45 days ago. How long can I continue fighting. Even though just yesterday I was feeling great and didnt feel like I was putting up a fight at all!
BH to my amazing mentors and a small conversation just to vent and feel validated helped me through the day!
HOPING FOR A BETTER TOMMOROW! 

After a long and tiring week over here in israel. I just want to say thank you to vehkam! I reached out when i was down and he gave me some chizzuk, At the time he told me something and I didnt realize the impact it would have on me. But he really got me thinking and it really helped me get through the week.
He said it in a sentence, but ill try to use a couple more words. As humans we crave to accomplish and the way we judge accomplishments is through results. For example you go to learn and you come out with a nice pshat in rashi... thats what we call accomplishment. But if we go to learn and dont have pshat then you go home feeling like you wasted a bunch of hours. Vekham told me that sometimes accomplishment is just showing up to davening just showing up to seder. 
We live in a world of hester where we dont see hashem so clear, We dont always see our accomplishments in ruchnious we hope to one day see the results but just because we dont see it doesnt mean it isnt there. If every time we looked away on the st from seeing something bad Hashem would place upon us a shining light of kedusha then we wouldnt really have nisyonas. What makes it a nisayon is because its not so clear to us. But that doesnt mean the shining light upon us isnt there. Its there we just cant see it!
Before I heard this from vehkam every time I went through another nisayon I felt terrible about myself, look I worked so hard but I havent accomplished. The urge is as strong as ever... But now I realize that just because I may not feel the results. It does not mean that its not there. It just means that hashem is hiding it from me, and iy''h one day ill see the results!!!
GUT SHABBOS!!

50 days!!! 
Its going pretty rough. Trying my best to hang on and make it to day 51.

daverose wrote on 22 Jun 2025 17:22:

One of the big ideas in recovery is “One Day At A Time”. 
Dov has many posts that bring out the depth of the idea. The Oimek is not to merely hang on and “white-knuckle “ until tomorrow, pushing off the acting out 5 minutes at a time. That Mehalach only works for a limited amount of time, though there’s a time and a place for it. 
The deeper, more Yesoidosdike Avoda is to realize that I have it within me to work on my deeper, internal Ratzon, to want Tahara FOR TODAY. Even if I can not think past today. Or even this minute. But for right now, this is what I truly want. 
It is really hard to change my Ratzon for forever. For today, it may truly be within my grasp. 
(it’s worthwhile tracking down Dov’s posts on the topic. I’ll try to do so later). 

Here are my best wishes for TODAY. 
And a warm hand, 
Chaim 

p.s. What Brocha do you wish a guy on his 120th birthday? Answer: “Have a nice day!!”

Hi everyone! I dont have good news to share. I had a fall yesterday after 8 clean weeks. I had an extremely stressful past 2 weeks due to circumstances out of my control and I fought hard. I had many times that I completely gave up and Hashem gave me a boost of siyata dshmaya which helped me get past those moments. But in the end after letting the YH build up inside of me, I gave in and fell. I obviously feel terrible. I never fooled myself that giving in will solve my problems which it didnt. But since I let the YH build up inside of me for 2 weeks it completely drove me crazy and had a huge effect on my day to day life. So while giving in didnt solve any stress it did stop the YH at the moment from tormenting me. I know that it will come back and Im prepared to fight it.
I hope all the knowledge I learned over the past 8 weeks and especially what I learned from the past 2 weeks and my falling will help me continue this battle and grow much stronger. Today is day 1 but I know Im not starting over just because I had a set back.
I just want to thank all my incredible mentors for all the help, effort, and energy at all hours of the day and night that they gave me (and hopefully continue to give) Thank you Muttel,Yiftach,Eerie,Vekham,Hhm and everyone that helped me and reached out to me during hard times.

One of my triggers was the gmail account that I use for gye, and I never wanted to delete it because I didnt want to lose my account on gye. So I think that now is a perfect time for me to start over erase my email, account. And create a new account. Iyh Ill continue posting just with a new account. Bye for now!!!

oh wow, i can just imagine how you feel, but the main thing is to get right back on the train and not let the YH continue winning the battle.

if you understand Yiddish it pays listening to R' Shimon Spitzer Sheir from last Thursday night, he basically says that a perfect person is not someone that never falls, he says that you look in the torah, every parsha klal Yisroel was falling again and again, what makes us strong is to get up from your fall and go stronger and stronger.

Dave,

All I can say is, מַ֣יִם רַבִּ֗ים לֹ֤א יֽוּכְלוּ֙ לְכַבּ֣וֹת אֶת־הָֽאַהֲבָ֔ה וּנְהָר֖וֹת לֹ֣א יִשְׁטְפ֑וּהָ אִם־יִתֵּ֨ן אִ֜ישׁ אֶת־כׇּל־ה֤וֹן בֵּיתוֹ֙ בָּאַהֲבָ֔ה בּ֖וֹז יָב֥וּזוּ לֽוֹ....

You can and will make it!!!!!

Muttel

My dear Dave!! As a silent admirer of your determination resolve and patience, #1 I feel you it's freekin stinks to fall and have the whole feeling s of shame guilt yiush come back harder then before especially cause you thought you were good, take my virtual hug!
# 2 do NOT get caught up in the I fell anyway so what dif does another fall make.
    Hatzlacha rooting for you!!

Hi thank you everyone for all the chizzuk! Bh Im feeling as strong as ever and Iyh this fall will be a thing of the past!

Full surrender to the One who keeps us sober. In the terminology of the 12 steps (I'm paraphrasing): we put progressive victory over perfection. 
I know they all say One Day at a Time. Focus on today. Start the day with: what can I do to make today progressive and great? 
I know that every time I fall, it's because I forget 1) what I am doing this for, 2) what is going on in my head and my heart in the moment. 
You can do this. Today is a new day. 

Muttel wrote on 30 Jun 2025 17:06:

Ditto