Keep soaring, brotha!!!

We need more people like you to help out others iyH. 

HUG!

Hi Bh today is day 40!!!! as muttel said yetziras havlad!!!
40 days of no M
40 days of being in control
40 days of not hiding from myself,my wife,and hashem
40 days of building back lost connection from myself my wife and hashem
40 days of fighting on the street to keep my eyes down 
54 days from watching P 
54 days from watching any entertainment
54 days not listening to the radio only shiurim 
Thank you to all my amazing mentors for helping me reach this goal and thank you to everyone on this incredible site for all the daily chizzuk posts! And of course to hashem, the siyata dishmaya I saw the last bit is incredible.
When I first started speaking to mentors and keeping myself accountable there were times that I couldnt handle it anymore and wanted to give up but I felt stupid to fall and then call my mentors... Which bothered me, that im not fighting for the right reason its not for hashem or to make myself a better person I just shter from other humans. Recently I saw a vort from R Tzaddok Hakohen that explains that when Yosef Hatzadik went to do the avaira (acc. to some shittos) and he didnt do it, because he saw a vision of Yakov Avinu. Its not kepshuto that he wanted it, but shtered from his father. Rather The yh convinced yosef that it was a mitzva he was destined to have children with her etc.. And when he saw his father who represents Emes. It woke him up that it was all the YH... So too us here fighting for freedom, just because we are sometimes convinced that its not worth it,  and were giving up and dont want to keep fighting its all the YH and sometimes we just need a mentor to keep us in place, to wake us up, and of course its what really want!!

He climbed the mountain
to the skies,
and then ascended higher 
Through the deepest primal darkess
into the roaring fire.

Higher now, in Lev Hashamayim
Hosts threaten to strike him dead
A mortal man dare not approach
where angel fear to tread! 

Yet for forty days he held on tight 
and reached until the Throne, 
For humble man posses choice 
In Malchus is his home- 

And sweeter than the sweetest power 
is when he hears the Voice
Banai Chavivi you’re the ones 
It’s YOU who are My Choice! 

KOMT!!! 
Love and admiration, 
Chaim Oigen

Hi Bh today was day 45 half way to 90!!!
Im finding it amazing that I learned so much about my struggle over the past 45 days more than the 13 years of the struggle itself.
1 point that ive heard from my mentors but im seeing it play out in real life. The YH always convinced me that this struggle is a constant battle 1 big fight and if I give it up my life will be a mess. The rest of my life will be 1 constant fight. Which is prob one of the reasons I never tried stopping seriously till now. But over the past 45 days I realize that its a lie even though its a fight but its not constant and on a average day im perfectly fine without it. When I get a urge then its a fight but usually they dont last to long and at most till the next morning. In a whole life is normal just a struggle here and there, and I have to be strong to overcome the urges. The urges dont really build up and day 45s fight is no dif. than day 1.
Its easy for me to understand that while im doing good but during the urges the YH convinces me the same thing, even though I know its not true. He makes it feel like 1 big battle and how long can you hold on for, how long are you going to live this miserable life..
Basically what im saying is that I realized the fight is more the mind set, than the urges itself and be"h once I really internalize this it will be so much easier. It will be a fight of one day at a time, one small battle at a time instead of one huge battle that im stuck with forever!

How ironic is it that a day after my last post I felt exactly the way I decribed.
Im in israel theres sirens at all hours im not getting to much sleep the kids dont have kindergarden. The lack of sleep is making getting up in the morning dreadful I cant concentrate by sedarim etc...
Today after another rough first seder I felt like crap and then the YH started his thing, That with everything going on im not going to be able to control myself from this nisayon its not the right time for fighting... He made me feel like the past 45 days were nothing the urges today arent any less than 45 days ago. How long can I continue fighting. Even though just yesterday I was feeling great and didnt feel like I was putting up a fight at all!
BH to my amazing mentors and a small conversation just to vent and feel validated helped me through the day!
HOPING FOR A BETTER TOMMOROW! 

After a long and tiring week over here in israel. I just want to say thank you to vehkam! I reached out when i was down and he gave me some chizzuk, At the time he told me something and I didnt realize the impact it would have on me. But he really got me thinking and it really helped me get through the week.
He said it in a sentence, but ill try to use a couple more words. As humans we crave to accomplish and the way we judge accomplishments is through results. For example you go to learn and you come out with a nice pshat in rashi... thats what we call accomplishment. But if we go to learn and dont have pshat then you go home feeling like you wasted a bunch of hours. Vekham told me that sometimes accomplishment is just showing up to davening just showing up to seder. 
We live in a world of hester where we dont see hashem so clear, We dont always see our accomplishments in ruchnious we hope to one day see the results but just because we dont see it doesnt mean it isnt there. If every time we looked away on the st from seeing something bad Hashem would place upon us a shining light of kedusha then we wouldnt really have nisyonas. What makes it a nisayon is because its not so clear to us. But that doesnt mean the shining light upon us isnt there. Its there we just cant see it!
Before I heard this from vehkam every time I went through another nisayon I felt terrible about myself, look I worked so hard but I havent accomplished. The urge is as strong as ever... But now I realize that just because I may not feel the results. It does not mean that its not there. It just means that hashem is hiding it from me, and iy''h one day ill see the results!!!
GUT SHABBOS!!

50 days!!! 
Its going pretty rough. Trying my best to hang on and make it to day 51.