It’s good to hear you. Whether you say or not. As long as you are on the road to being happy. I am there for you as friend. We all help each other out. I pray for you. . It’s great to hear you!

daverose wrote on 26 May 2025 20:51:

Why shouldn't one be embarrased  of doing a sin? We say בושתי וגם נכלמתי להרים פני אליך and all sorts of other such phrases regarding repentance. Isn't sinning against Hashem's will something to be ashamed and embarrased of? It's terrible! Maybe to plunge into doing good things and gaurding oneself properly is correct, but isn't it still a terribly embarrasing thing?

1. I don't think that the word אליךַ is referring to gye fellows 
2. Staying isolated is the cause of a lot of sins 
3. I didn't said that you should explain in detail everything explain in detail everything you had watched I also don't do so since I believe that it could be triggering or open new ideas what I did said is that it sometimes important and beneficial to share the struggles in common for accountability purposes and for not being isolated and being embarrassed and feeling all guilty and not getting out of the chain of struggles 

trueme wrote on 26 May 2025 22:11:

Trueme,
Sorry for the lateness, but, welcome to the warmest family in the world!

Here you will find true care, concern, and warmth.
Here you will learn that you CAN break free!

I think that what @daverose meant is that there's two different kinds of embarrassment. One is the classic embarrassment of having done a sin. The second type, which dave is referring to, is the embarrassment of struggling with these types of behaviors. 

Of course after falling you should feel bad, however, the idea that you can talk to someone who is totally understanding of this challenge, and doesn't judge you because of this any more than not having כוונה during davening, is tremendously freeing. It enables you to break out of the dungeon of shame and start dealing with issue in the same way you would deal with any other נסיון. 
(This has been one of the main factors in my personal freedom, along with many of my friends from this Holy site...)
Have you considered connecting with a mentor?
Joining the Vaad Program*? (click here for an explanation of what the vaad is)

HHM - Hashem Help Me - is the mentor-in-chief around here. He's reachable at michelgelner@gmail.com.
Some of the other great guys here are Eerie - 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com, Muttel - muttel15@gmail.com,   Reb Akiva - mevakesh247@gmail.com iwantlife - iwantlifegye@proton.me minhamayim - minhamayim1@gmail.com amevakesh - amevakesh23@gmail.com

In general, are you familiar with the tools available on GYE?
Have you heard of the book The Battle of the Generation - many have found this very helpful in reframin' the struggle.
Posting is a great way to connect, learn, and grow also. 
(The Hall of Fame Thread is an awesome compilation of some the great threads on GYE.)

Lookin' forward to hearin' from you again soon!

Thanks PY. 
Im thinking about what you wrote.
A big struggle for me is blocking/unblocking "limited" Youtube access.
Theres so much potential to fall.
Its a nisayon for me and its hard.
There are things there that I use for entertainment but even that entertainment is beneath me 
Its hard. As Im talking Im blocking access to YouTube. I plan on posting regarding that the block is being kept, aside from P and M. 
Its very hard for me and theres alot of backstory. But right now I just need help being disciplined about not going to unblock YouTube. 
Anyone with exp. and suggestions?
Thanks.

the fact that you are so open about your needs gives me the encrougmint to discuss with the trauma that causes me to watch porn even  if its painful  

trueme wrote on 28 May 2025 03:08:

Hi I feel for you dear trueme I used to download videos videos to my basic phone than deleting them then restoring them from the trash folder then deleting them permanently again even from the trash folder then the next day open the recycle bin on my computer to restore them then first upload them to my Google drive in case I'll feel one day that I have to use them I should have it prepared then I downloaded to my phoneWatched acted out וחוזר הגלגל 
I think the only help for this is 2 things 
1. Is a plan that could work meaning we have to be smart and honest with ourselves if we really need YouTube or different sites open at all which could be for anyone else not falling for pornIt's not a problem to leave it open but for me it's something that gets me into trouble, and damages myself
2. being motivated to stop watching at bad stuff 
3. I know there is some filters which you could set someone else to be in charge of any changes you wanna make regarding this device 
Keep on strong let me know if you find this helpful

trueme wrote on 28 May 2025 03:08:

I don't know which filter you have, but, as @עם הנבחר mentioned, some filters (I know techloq, maybe others as well) have the option of a third party admin who gets all your requests to unblock websites and has to approve them. If (when?) you're ready for a mentor, this is another way they can help.
In general, I'm a major fan of techloq. Very easy to work with and very customizable. 

sdny wrote on 28 May 2025 04:00:

I know I left a thank you, but I want you to know that this is very meaningful to me. Thank you for sharing. I'm just here trying to motivate myself and hold myself accountable to clean myself up and really be the trueme and I didnt think anyone would be encouraged at the same time. 

On that vein, I am reading some of the threads here and I am very humbled (and inspired) people really worked hard on themselves and changed. They are living life. Vehkam's thread is special but there are many others. Thank you for those that are posting these incredible posts and for those that are thanking so the one posting know his post made a difference. (Or to those that respond or reach out the one that posted)

Another thing I noticed as well. As Im reading the threads, some posts can be triggering. Some seem to be written in a very casual and honest way but are very explicit or crass. Regardless of whether a moderater deems to allow it or remove it, please consider before posting that tens of thousands can be reading on GYE looking for refuge and might end up looking at certain posts just to get a lust high. Same goes for the chat. Just pointing this out, I dont mean to preach and Im not worthy of doing so either, I have to clean up so much...

Anyone relate to the above?

Last night I found a way to access YouTube, I believe I can correct the issue with my filter.
However, I viewed innapropriate things. And wasted time..
Although no P and M, It was terrible. Beneath me!!
I took a step by reaching out to one of the former greats here, whom I happen to know personally. Maybe some of you know him by his username, Yechida. He is a treasure trove of wisdom and is so humble and unnasuming. He's not active on gye anymore but his written material is super. He agreed to be a daily accountability partner for both shmiras einayim and M. As well as some basic productive daily goals. 
I just had enough and dont want this to ruin my life. 
I also want to be close to Hashem. 
So maybe I didnt have to count last night as a fall, but I did.
Cuz I want it to be real. For me thats a fall.
THIS IS NOT WHO I AM!!!!!!
I WANT TO BE THE TRUE ME!!!
Blessings and success to all.

Way to turn things around Brother. Yechida is a true gem.
Hatzlacha!

A thought.

Although some people might get sucked into P and M beacuse of simple lust, many others are at least very triggered toward it from pain.

I know I was.

I relate to some threads on this site although Im still not comfortable sharing, even on an anonymous platform like GYE.

Yet. 

So Im just pondering the following.

Lust is natural. Its supposed to be saved for ones wife. Rav Shimshon Pinkus brings - I think from a medrash - and I dont want to misquote but the main idea is that lust for woman is a natural rule in creation the avoda is not to beat it, but to flee it. Even if your great, choshuv, whatever, it has a magical draw and exposure is the problem - avoiding is the solution. (Obviously lust has its place by a man's wife and that needs a proper perspective but I mean avoiding the bad lusting situations). 

So lust itself is not a core issue.

Im wondering if those of us triggered by pain, a situation, a person, etc....are looking to fill a void and escape the pain by turning to lust. To fantasize oneself in a world of no pain, of pleasure, etc. 

We know that Hashem doesn't put a person in a test he cannot handle. So why are so many people screaming they cant handle it, they are in real pain! I remember one night, years ago, literally lying on the floor in emotional agony, screaming how I cant take it any more. If we are able to handle it - why does it seem we can't? 

I dont know and Im really here for my own chizzuk but Im wondering if maybe its a mirror image of how we look at a nisayon. Before reading below, know that I'm just musing, and if anyone finds the below insensitive because you are in pain, I'm sorry. I'm just wondering if any of the special people here relate to the below. 

Perhaps if we live with a relationship with Hashem that we are truly in his loving arms and we really believe he wants to have a connection with us and we work on feeling his presence...then maybe we will view nisyonos as completely beyond our control and like bending your finger its totally up to Hashem. Totally. And since we are in his loving hands there is nothing to worry. The worry doesnt even register.

There is a special hotline called the menuchas hanefesh hotline. The number is (732) 806-8980. The shiurim are unique and powerful IMHO and given by Rav Aryeh Leib Zelle. He says the following example. If you go on an airplane (and you dont have a unique fear of flight) do you start thinking that "Ill be safe, because the statistics are xyz that the fight should go by uneventfully"? No, you dont think about it at all! It's so built into us that a flight is safe that we dont even think of the possibility of danger at all. When a Yid has a real relationship with Hashem, he is living in his arms and is not thinking about whether a situation is good or bad for him. He's safely ensconsed in Hashem's arms and of course its good. 

A nisayon is painful. A pinch hurts whether you have a relationship with Hashem or not. But it's just a pinch and not an emotional obsessing and wrecking. What hurts more? The actual pain, or the psychological damage we tourture ourselves with before and after? 

Perhaps if we feel Hashem is real and we have a relationship with him, we wont see ourselves in control and we messed up or we could have done things differently and now we are stuck in a bad situation. Rather we feel that we are powerless and its all Hashem, and we are snuggled in His arms כגמול עלי אמו. Then, perhaps we will be zoche to yeshuos and Hashem will make thiמgs easier for us. After all we are recogizing its all Him and not us. To the degree that we bring him into the picture, not as l'havdil some unrelated superpower but as the everything - who is also my אב הרחמן, He will also help us out with our nisayon. 

Once that happens our triggers will lessen and we will be stronger in putting up proper fences and avoiding the situation.

We will also be living with Hashem's intoxicating love and we wont need to escape or fill the void.

Im just thinking aloud and maybe someone wiser can relate and advise.

Makes sense?

To some degree yes.

bright wrote on 30 May 2025 04:41:

Please explain, I would love to hear feedback on this.
Thanks.

Shalom Brother,

I think you are touching on a lot of points, and I'm not sure if I can formulate a response to everything. I'll try to share my thoughts and hopefully some things will fit. (If you are looking for wiser folks, check PY's list of mentors above).

(you wrote 'good' / 'natural' lust and 'bad' lust -) For the sake of clarity, I'm going to use desire as the potentially healthy feeling a man has for their wife. Lust is more of a superficial craving, focused specifically on self-gratification, which even for one's wife, is often negative. As a "normal" human being, I feel both. At this time I don't find myself capable of not feeling any lust at all, and I'm ok with that, as long as I'm aware that it's not the ideal and the goal is to focus on connection and to desire that connection both emotionally and physically. Over time the lust goes down and the real connection gets stronger. When lust is no longer the main driver behind my desire, its effect seems to be much lessened. 

Hashem created both lust and desire, as you mentioned. I don't know if this is what you were saying, but the idea isn't to say that these things aren't b'etzem attractive, because Hasem made them so. Like a steak with butter isn't objectively disgusting, it is subjectively not for us Jews because Hashem said 'no' - which makes it "disgusting" for us, but not bad in and of itself. Lust is a bit different, actually a lot different, because it tends to be damaging for everyone, whether technically prohibited or not. But still, I think you can understand that the pull towards these things comes from a normal part of us, and the answer to them is to see them as bad for us, and that's how you get to saying 'no' (fleeing). To say that all women besides my wife aren't attractive won't work to "beat" the lust, because it's not true. They are attractive, but they are not for me to act on that, and I must leave them alone. The easiest (not so easy) way to do that is to start with avoidance and then say 'no' when the steak and butter restaurant smells so tantalizingly good, but I'm not going inside to order one, not because it's awful (though it might be), but because it's awful for me. If anything, I think this is easier to understand by lust than by nonkosher food, because there is logic that can be applied to explain the damages from unbridled lust, though the YH tries to hijack our brain and temporarily block out what we know in order to trip us into taking what we want in the moment.

Desire is not the core issue, but the way we've misused it - mostly unintentionally at first, not understanding fully what we are doing and the real ramifications. Once we have crossed the lines between desire and lust, we have started to take, and we begin to feel like we need or deserve to have it. Once it becomes a "fix" then we start to use it as such. A response to stress, to desire both healthy and not, to pain, to loneliness, to boredom. It starts to fill all the voids and answer all the problems (though it doesn't - it just temporarily attempts to distract and delay them). To borrow a quote from Richtig's signature (miss your deep insights Brother and hope you are well), "Pornography is a bad answer to a good question" - R' Kalish. We have valid questions, and the voids and confusion and pain are too real, but we don't know how to answer them, and insert lust because we've taught ourselves to use it that way (often not deliberately). 

The next part really deserves more arichus, but if a person says they cannot do it, either they have unrealistic expectations that are likely hurting more than helping them to make progress where needed, or they takkeh haven't reached yet the relationship with Hashem to accept that some of the pain comes from him (perhaps not the self-inflicted pain that we pile on with guilt and shame), though it is always for our betterment in some way. We also need to believe always that we have the power through Hashem. I wrote about this recently - the importance of recognizing what is outside of our control and comes from Hashem, and what is within our domain to control, of course with help from Hashem, but it starts with our hishtadlus and emunah that we can do it. If we don't believe in ourselves, that there is a way, that makes it a lot harder to keep pushing.

There seems to be many more aspects to your post that I didn't touch on, and that might be worth a nice shmooze with a mentor / Rav. 

Hatzlacha Brother, and Kol Tov.