I fell,
I have mixed feelings on one side i'm free, free from the count, free from constantly feeling like "is today the day i fall?" free from constantly checking in every day. free from all this crap. "I'm sick,I'm addicted,im broken,I'm a pervert,I need help,I need to reach out. 
free from it all...
but i know it wont last it's only for a few fleeting seconds, I need to make a decision. 
do i binge? just go down a rabbit hole of just constantly giving in because " once I'm down I can just stay down." what different dose it make stay down for one hour or one year, who cares?! 
its not like there's a cure- 29 days, 99 days, its all the same, I've been to both ends.
eventually we all fall, it just part of the human dilemma, were not angels no matter how much I want to be. 
or do get up with the same false hope i gave myself 29 days ago "this time it will be different, look at all  these people in the same situation you're in. your part of a team!"
we all fight our own battles its not like I can give it to someone else, maybe we can be side to side but at the end of the day it comes down to me.
im so tired, so fatigued I don't have the strength especially not for more disappointment. 
I used to blame others: my parents for not showing enough unconditional love, my Rebbi'm for beating me mercilessly for a couple of years just because I couldnt read Hebrew, that one kid in 8th grade who showed me how to masturbate and came in the same room as me and lastly g-d for just watching all this from right next to me. I can never cry and pray like I did so many years ago and you didn't help me then?! why would you help me now?
I just want to die. 
-because only in TheGrave will I find the peace I hope for.

thegrave wrote on 11 Feb 2025 20:42:

Every fall on your journey - even though of course, that is not how we should plan it - is a stepping stone for reaching greater heights. Nothing you have gained in these 29 days is lost. Learn, think, analyze what happened, ask questions such as, were you white-knuckling, over-obsessing or overly focused on counting days... reflect on what can be improved and move on. 

BTW, I would not be so certain that the grave would be that much more peaceful. Food for thought, no?  

Min hameitsar I feel you.  Two nights ago I made the decision to fall but hashem made it impossible so bh it didn't work out and I'm still clean .     My friend nows a huge opportunity for do you say heck with it I'm binging and then in 3 days when you feel like a fat piece of crap but now it's to late cause your to deep in.....     Or do you say now I'm fighting I'm still in the playing field just changed I now can't rely on my streak,   and I'll use the basis of kedusha I got and I'll use it for the future....     Choose wisely     
   Also how many times in. Your life didid y you try stopping my friend nows the time.           Please please all your bubbehs and ziedes in shamayim are waiting for your reaction..

OUCH OUCH OUCH

HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG

Been in your position, come out the other side.  THE OTHER SIDE IS BETTER!!!!!

Sent you a PM please check it out

thegrave wrote on 11 Feb 2025 20:42:

Boy do I relate to everything you wrote... it's sooo painful. I know exactly how you feel. (See my threads in my signature where I've expressed my anger towards Hashem...). 
What has helped me is to stop focusing on the streak. It's really not so important. It's the inner change that changes you as a person until you'll grow to appreciate and perhaps even be excited about the challenges.
One thing I don't agree with is that everyone eventually falls, which makes you think "is today the day I will fall", its simply not true. I also used to think so and it took me years to rewire my brain to understand that no! It's possible to be clean from P and M forever. Take a look at HHM's thread and you'll see he is a normal human being and clean for ten years. And some others here on GYE as well who are clean for many years, and I'm sure many other yidden around the globe. I'm talking about ordinary, genuine Yidden.
And iyH one day you and I will be amongst them!

Stay strog my brother... breath deeply and start again keep going! It's just another small hump on the way to grateness!

With love and admiration,
UpandDown

first I want to thank everyone for there support I'm at the verge of tears. I'm not quite back on my feet yet i choose to binge trying to find as much inappropriate things my filter will allow and fell again a few hours later, I didn't go to sleep till 3am. and my friends are asking if everythings ok? what a mess.
I didn't want to wright anything but i couldn't leave you guys hanging. 

STAY STRONG MY FREIND ,WERE HERE, AND NOT GOING ANYWHERE.     the question is if well have the opportunity to keep getting to know you.

ok, I'm not sure were to start, I guess I want to apologize for my outburst from last week I really didn't have the intention of hurting anyone with my negative outlook on PMO and GYE, but its easy to forget there other people that can be effected behind your keyboard...sorry.

moving on, b"h been feeling better I want to thank everyone who reached out and gave me chizuk it really helped knowing I have supporters ready to swoop in a time of need. also want to give a public shoutout to yosefms for the (life)changing reading material it really helped me put this challenge into perspective.
looking forward to greener pastures 

Thank you for the shout out. IYH we can help more people together.

Update: still clean, been keeping busy not too many triggers lately and over all been doing well b"h. I did have some slips but nothing too major taking second glaces of woman or spacing out. over all I'm happy to put all the hardcore stuff behind me and trying to invest in myself. like going shopping,cooking learning guitar etc.
thats about it for now. 

"Liked" on the learning guitar. We need more YIDDEN that play,  just be mekabel now you'll only play r shoimeh on that guitar don't taint it's kedusha with other niggunem. 
     Hatzlacha 

@THEGRAVE you are awesome!!

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a very good guitar player.  Happy to share knowledge tips and tricks with anyone who wants.

for sure! who is r shoimeh? also fair point on the goyish niggunem. that what my original idea was now that I don't have Spotify, but its true music is the language of the soul so might as well keep it kosher.

thx! 

I definitly need tips i just started a few weeks ago. cord transitions are the hardest especially C to Gm when using the last 3 fingers

carlebach