My dear friend CM, I'm sitting here crying along with you. To feel that Hashem doesn't want us is so crazy painful. I'm sorry for your terrible pain. It's amazing to watch you grow, so continue growing and sharing. We are learning so much from you. And know that Hashem's love for you, and all of us, is boundless and endless. He always wants us close. Talk to Him. In your own words. Chazak, chazak, my special friend

Dear cm shlita!!!!!! here goes the alteh mirrer on 1 of his rambles! buckle up!

First of all thank you for sharing, that mustv'e been hard for you! many of us can identify fully with these struggles!!! it's nice to feel normal and part of a community!

2nd of all it really makes so much sense, because we've been locked up all alone in this struggle for too many years, thinking all along that there is no way out...., and at the same time expecting of ourselves to feel like good ehrlicheh yidden...... yidden that are doing and wanna do everything right! these 2 things didn't have a place to coexist in our minds, which leads us to the only possible conclusion that we identify ourselves as non ehricheh yidden that can only live with all these taivos, and can't possibly be identified as a good yid, but the real truth is that the only possible conclusion is that we are good ehrlicheh heiligeh yidden! that is our true rotzon and that is fact! (too many proofs for now! but suffice to say that it bothered you that u don't feel connected to hashem).

We just have a struggle that we have had since such a young age all bottled up with no way to process and work through it, and there is no way to have expected us to, it would make zero sense if you would not have acted out all these years the way you did!!! so now bh you discovered our amazing family over here, and yes it seems like that you are making real connections with some real people, so keep that up

Keep up with those heiligeh treren! (like our mashgiach reb yeruchem once said about the chazanis......)

Hatzlocha and a warm hug from the mir! we love you buddy!!

altehmirrer wrote on 06 Feb 2025 18:38:

You have no clue how hard it was for me. I was convinced that I was the only karkafta dlo munach! I was so embarrassed to put it out there, I still am.
(which I guess is a good thing cuz it means I want better for myself)
I know that many others fell in other places, some will say I'm the only one that was mechalel shabbos, others will say that theyre the only ones that went live. The point is were not alone and we just need some warm love and brotherhood to help us past all of this, no matter what weve done.

Please Hashem help us be close to you. 

Day 40

​Thank you Hashem for getting me to a place where I can say, I'm proud of myself.

I'm proud that when I had no cheshek to Daven, I realized that its my YH telling me I'm not able to be close to Hashem

I'm proud that when I had a Tayvah to take a third look, I held back and davened that she should have an easy Shabbos afternoon with her kids.(great advice I got to not objectify women)

I'm proud that even though my whole family has the flu, and its stressful, I'm not running to a massage parlor, I'm running to gye.

Thank you Hashem.

A nice story I saw over Shabbos.

When R' Dessler wanted to quit smoking, he went over to everyone around him and told them he's quitting. People were confused why he felt the need to let everyone know. 
We on GYE know the answer, accountability. Yes, even R Dessler the epitome of Mussar and Machshava still needed accountability for himself.  

Besides for the friends and connections I've made on here, I'm embarrassed to fall.

cleanmendy wrote on 09 Feb 2025 14:42:

Beautiful! on the topic of the gedolim and smoking....... I once heard from R' Avrohom Erlanger zatza''l that R' Chaim Ahron Turchin was the only one of the talmidim of the ruv that didn't smoke, he explained himself that he has a tayvah for it like everyone else, but chazal say ol taamin biotzmicha so he's worried that since it's addictive he might end up smoking on shabbos!! oiy the lesson for us is self understood!!!! let's keep on trucking chevra!

Thank you R' mendy for starting this thread it's very inspiring.
I myself have been in this struggle for probably close to 20 years and still trying to figure out, reading the threads are really giving me a boost.
thank you for the chizzuk

trying23 wrote on 10 Feb 2025 05:32:

Thank you for that, it really means a lot. Helps knowing that opening up like this is also helping others besides myself.
But I have to let you know that my recent hatzlacha in this fight did not come form the forums.
It was a heavy dose of siyata dishmaya, and opening up in person to some holy mentors on here and talking to others on the phone, it changed my life. I haven't looked back.

This past week I called HHM, while I was opening up about my lifestory, all the pain for years. He told me, that just like the pamalya shel malah comes down by leil seder. He said for sure, when a yid opens up to help himself, even though its really really hard to make the call. He definitely brings such a nachas ruach to Hashem. 
I burst into bitter tears when he told me that. 
Theres something so powerful about talking out your troubles to someone who you know you could trust. It opens up everything for you.

I went Shopping today, before I went in I stopped at the door and had a little talk with myself.

"Mendy do you wanna try something? How about watching your eyes for the next 15 minutes? Yes, some woman will be very beautiful, maybe some that aren't dressed so appropriately, but do you wanna show yourself you could? Do you wanna feel really good about yourself?"

Well I quickly decided I do, also because there was a long line of people waiting behind me to get in the store:)

Guess what? There were some very beautiful woman in the store today, but I was a man with a plan. I took some advice I got, and davened that each of them should have an easy afternoon with their kids and supper shouldn't burn!

This is not a holier than thou post, just telling you what worked for me.

Planning ahead works.
Getting ideas from friends that dealt with these issues works.
Posting works. (I feel like a million dollars now!)

Layla tov!

R Mendel your zicher holier than thou in your nisyanois only you could pass them !!   But your a moiridikeh inspiration keep trucking tzadik!!!!

Ah! What a hug I got last night!!
Meeting R' eerie was takah eerie, just a few weeks ago I wouldn't have believed this was possible.
Bh were at this point!

Very happy for you BUT VERY JEALOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

yosefms wrote on 12 Feb 2025 16:58:

Sorry, but I am waaaaay more jealous than you...like a year more jealous...

#waitingforthathug!!!

I think  #IWANAHUGEERIE! is worthy of its own dedicated forum!

cleanmendy wrote on 12 Feb 2025 16:43:

Gotta say, though our meeting was brief (maybe I'll be zoche to another), that hug was delicious.... (not particularly Eerie though, just sweet and warm)