Woahh, this morning was a really close call!

I had to reopen an old, half-broken laptop to search for some old files, and the filter wasn’t working anymore. Naturally, (I hope that one day, I’ll be able to feel safe even when there’s an unfiltered device in the same room as me) I started searching for porn,

i reach a point when I saw that in my mind, I had already given up and reached the point of "Oh well, whatever happens, happens."

But with a lot of help from Hashem, I received a message from my wife at that exact moment, and everything stopped instantly —I managed to close the laptop.

masturbation Day 55 clean!!
Pornography Day 0 ! 

You do your best to overcome your YH, and you'll experience an extra dose of סייתא דשמיא. It's a kiss from Hashem. Enjoy it and take it as a compliment. בדרך שאדם רוצה לילך מוליכין אותו !!!!! KOMT !!!!!!!!!!

And here we go again with a new attempt
 Day 4 clean !!

Day 5- 6 clean !! 

Day 7-9 clean !!

Day 9 - 12 clean !!

I had some serious difficulties with my wife recently. The past few days have been really tough, and I felt like escaping with porn. But I just realized that doing so would create a deep sense of self-disgust, on a situation that's already complicated. 
When I have something really important to protect or build, it's easier to stay strong and not falling in porn and masturbation. Need to find a way to always keep something meaningful in front of me, something that matters more than the addiction  so I don't fall back into it. 

day 13 clean !!

Day 14 - 15 - 16 clean !!

Yesterday, I had a big depressive episode after Pessah. It always happens to me — in Tishri after the holidays, and in Nissan after Pessah.
Since I was a teenager, I remember going through these two depressive periods every year. At first, they could last a really long time, but as I’ve gotten older, they’ve become shorter — usually just a day or two, or at most a week.
I spent the holidays with my family in Eretz, which really created a peak of positive emotions. But when I came back, of course, the problems returned. Still, it was manageable — until yesterday.
I realized that because of something I forgot, due to the stress of preparing for Pessah and the trip, I caused my family to lose a lot of money, and It made me feel worthless. Just writing this still makes me feel bad.
After that, I locked myself away alone all day, and I masturbated — I think almost to punish myself, because it didn’t bring any pleasure, just terrible feelings.
I didn’t even feel like doing it again afterwards; like every time I fall like this, it’s just about seeing shocking images, masturbating, and then being alone, depressed in my room, feeling worthless

day 2 clean !!

Day 3 clean !!
Quick note about what happened to me this morning. It's starting to get hot and I work in a city center. I caught myself looking at a woman who wasn't dressed appropriately riding a bike, and I didn't  look away, but I felt ashamed.

day 4 clean!!

To be very honest, I think the problem of poorly dressed women in the street is going to be a bigger issue than usual. It's the first time I've been this attracted to women who are dressed provocatively (maybe also because it's the first time in a long while that I haven’t been consuming pornography regularly). My eyes are drawn everywhere.
Also, this afternoon I felt like testing the limits of my internet filters to keep looking for things to watch. Instead of telling myself I'd share it later on the forum, I came to share it beforehand so I wouldn’t put myself in danger.

yoshi wrote on 01 May 2025 15:42:

You are a Gibbor for coming on. Surely they are celebrating in Shomayim that you did.

Re the women dressed for summer, it's a big challenge. I'd venture to say that you are probably correct that not watching porn can shift your tayvos to the next available things. Are you in touch with any GYE (or other) mentors that could try to help you?

Continued Hatzlacha and Kol Tov

Not yet, still no mentor. There's the language barrier, and also I have a hard time giving my trust.

day 5 clean!!