stopsurvivingstartliving wrote on 24 Sep 2024 22:51:
Day 16 Clean!
I would like to share something I got out of mouth today when talking to a fellow GYE'er, both to get feedback and for journaling purposes:
I mentioned in the past that some of my teenage years in yeshiva were very painful for me, leading me to burn out of it a bit (as an understatement). What I find now when I am in a much better place - Baruch Hashem - is anytime I think of getting back into it totally, my mind runs to those painful days and says "but they were so hard, how can you do that to yourself". What isn't rational about this is that I can take it really slow and not run into issues I ran into in the past. On top of that Hashem has given me tons of hatzlacha getting over a lot of the things that made it so hard for me. The way I try to deal with this is by taking it a tekufa at a time and taking tiny baby steps. Hoping in the long term I will build up, though my focus is on mainly on the current tekufa (I am not sure myself why I am taking it a tekufa at a time and not ODAAT, but whateva).
Another thing is that even looking at the seder ahead of me and trying to commit to an amount (even a half hour!), brings up triggers of intensity which is something I am really scared of and try to keep far away from. So even taking it a day at a time and very slow can be very hard for me. To deal with this, someone gave me an idea that even my commitment should be very watered down to avoid any triggers. This is something I haven't really tried yet but I hope to try it, and I pray to Hashem that he gives me hatzlacha moving on with this and in all other areas in life.
Good Night from the Holy Land and Thanks for Listening!
I can totally relate. I killed myself as a teenager and probably gave myself sever religion trauma. I blank out by davening, face extreme diissononance from learning and dont even get me started about mussar... Its really, really tough, because I want to grow but feel my growth should live up to what was. All while facing daily traumas from living a basic Jewish life. I am seriously petrified of selichos... as far as a commitment, the ONLY one that ever worked for me was bentching from a bentcher. Its easy, very not triggering and simple. And R shach would tell everyone to do it as a segula for everything. Hashem should help guide you in the right way to view Him and His Torah.
