My dear friend - why are yo so worried about hell? Put that away. I can hear the unhappiness in your voice. I just want you to be happy.

Would you like to be happy? Then forget about the deep spiritual struggle, and be clean. I know it's difficult. Trust me, I know. But we're not any happier when we act out, right? Your happiness is worth the effort.

Thank you for being so honest... You helped me remember how bad I felt the last time I was webcamming w/ some disgusting slut in yahoopitz, WHILE MY FINE WIFE dozed just a few feet away from me in bed. What a selfish pig I was. Sitting there watching some womans  **** while just behind my screen sat the woman who has given her life for me. So... Your not alone in sneaking p* right undeer her nose. And yes, from the sound of it it seems like shed prolly have figured ur matzav out by now.

I also agree w/ thr above that heaven and hell have nothing to do w/ this. Actually even this yk, I had little 'remorse' in the way I'd classically describe it, regarding my p* acting out. Though I was very determined to stay sober for as long as possible. I just can't hack the whole gan eden hell thing. Bc whenever I think of it in the context of me acting out I get reallllly down. So I just chucked the whole idea.... Cast it off entirely and instead of thinking abt the next world I think abt one thing... I wanna be honestly happy. So... I no sure if this is helpful to you, but you were definetely helpful to me.

I didn't mean to get into the fire-and-brimstone  thingy.... It was just a cry of pain, which for me hurts.

Never mind that though, I am stuck right now pushing the laws of niddah on an hourly basis. Kissing is arguable so bad it's yehareg velo ya'avor, and I can't stop kissing her "from an inch or two away".  Obviosly it's a stupid new way of feeding my addiction, but once I got my wife into doing it, I can't stop!
          Hey wait, I cannot stop this but a power other than myself could! coooooooool
And yes I tricked her into even kissing once, and weaseled my way out of 'not doing this again'. So yeh, for that one I am definitely going ot hell, but just wait, if i keep up like this even worse will be sure to come.

just being jonest, to see myself as the pervert i truly am.

Congratulations. You have discovered that your ship is taking on water pretty fast.

So what are you doing about it?

Honesty is just a tool, not a tachlis.

Duvid Chaim's daily phone conference!!

Great! Fantastic and superific, too.

And I expect Duvid Chayim will eventually ask you the same question. After you listen, read, and maybe even talk a little tiny bit about the steps or recovery or whatever:

"Chabibi, what are you doing about it?"

Honestly, I'm too busy acting out to find any AW moments, plus I haven't really done much to work on my "stories"


Bekitzur I'm busy surfing the web for shmutz, untill my filtering service blocks the "new hole" i found. Untill then I cannot controll myself.  Hey I'm going roght now to ask hashem to do that for me. Why? because he hates seeing me in the gutter. He's looking on at me thinking 'oy the nebichal'.          As for me, mybe i would appreciate my day more if it wasn't porn-filled.    mybe I would feel more 'wholesome' if I had some meaning to my life righ now.        Mybe I would enjoy my marrige more if it wasn't constantly centred on my sex-drive.

Maybe...maybe....

Maybe you need to really be convinced that your life WILL be so much better if you stop. Only you can bring yourself to that realization, nobody else can do it for you. Hashem will help you, but you have to be ready to accept the help when it comes. "Refaeini Hashem V'Erofei, Hoshieini V'Ivosheia", we daven that we should WANT to be healed....

This is what "hitting bottom" means, when you really just can't take it anymore. May Hashem lift the bottom up for you, so you will find it quickly...

Your truck is waiting, all warm and comfy....

Gevura!

I would never have actually been ready to give it up unless I realized that I had no choice and had to. So I hope I never suggest to anyone (that means you) to stop in order to be 'good', 'happy', or for any other reason.

You will be ready to quit when you need to. And if you are an addict like me, then you will simultaneously discover that you can't quit.

Then you will start to understand the 1st step.

Not till then.

Truly respectfully,

Dov

I also understood things to be along that same line.

The human mind is an interesting thing, the addicts mind resembles tinfoil in a microwave.

here I am fondleing myself, enjoying the great feeling of lust, and masturbation. I feel the rush of adrenaline running through my system, and the fond memories of porno starting to fill myy mind. Pleasant no?

Except that in yesturdays lunchNlearn call, I read aloud to everyone(in such a clear and laudable voice) that we alcoholics can be honest capable peaple with high aspirations... except for lust which brings our world crashing down on our heads. Yey fun....

Didn't I promise my wife that these 3 days will be "perfectly clean", a jump-start for the sake of sobriety? Didn't I refuse the proposition of getting rid of the computer?  Didn't I post whatever... and tell my sponser bla bla bla...    Nu... and what of all that?            Don't get me wrong I am perfectly justified in ating out, it won't hurt anyone if I look at porn right now, I can drink sober?  it's called a double life, plenty of people manage to bum their way through it, an I can be one of them!

This is why I need spirituality. This is why i need a new life. My old one is like a totaled car, fixing it is a waste of time. Sneaking a few peaks is like tinkering under the hood of that wreck.   


                                                                                    ...and they lived happily ever after, oh and Shmiras stayed sober... this time.

Hatzlocha rabbah, chaver. It is possible. You can't do it, but it is indeed possible to remain sober and to recover. I can't do it, either. But it is possible and there are many people who are living proof.
Hatzlocha.

Never ever give up on yourself nor on G-d. Two partners who are definitely 100% worth it, all the time.

I had to lie strait out to my wife, telling her I stopped looking at porn on the computer, otherwise she won't let me use it at all!  scary.


In reality I spent the entire LunchNlearn call surfing porn from yet another loophole my filtere granted me, google. Me and google go way back... And somehow mty filter locked the safe search, on strict? It's allitle more of a chalenge, but we can get around that plenty!

A&W:This orning laying in bed I was oponderuing my options. More sleap, or to daven shacharis. I pklayed out what my day would look like if I lived to lust.... I felt all ichy hopeless and brocken already.                    Then i played-out in my head how I would feel living closer to hashem, and it fealt great! So i did it.    Putting on tzizis I stood dumb-struck (or plainly dumb) trying to realise what on earth i am doing. What does G-D intend of me from these fringes? it's a uniform to remembe that throughout all my porn adventures, I am still his 'loyal' servant. he has been wating for this moment for a L-O-N-G- TIME.  Negel Vasser, why? what is tahara, touching myself down there requires washing??  I'm a בריה חדשה with a new chance??  My neshama came back after an absence... why didn't he knock, I can't feel it???

I never paid enough attention to the pesukim we say when wearing a tallis. Where have I been, this is exactly what I need! It's been a long time since pesukai dezimra started off so heartfelt.      'Shelo asani goy... i did that to myself thanks'          'Shelo asasni isha... he wanted me to have MORE oppertunities to connect to him, and i'm losing 247to 1 (עבר קטן can destroy them ALL).

I have a neshama, and it's much more enjoyable holding hashem's hand.....
                        ...Rolling in the filth of porn, masturbation, and self pity, feels horrible.                MY CHOICE

Yup.

I'm going TaFSik...      I know no other way to sobriety, not from my depressed lair at least.

      let the hell known as withdrawal begin. Please hashme help me להשתלב to the first 2 steps, and bring the third one soon.