And I only just now saw Joey Haber's Vayimaen video from Friday! Promise! 

diamondwithaflaw wrote on 21 Jul 2025 16:03:

Lol I listened to it right before reading your post. Probably the best Vayimaen yet.

Great point about overthinking. I've been accused of philosophizin' a time or two. It's a hard habit to stop.

Quick check in.

Logged into GYE for a minute this morning at work before anyone else came in. Only to be surprised by my boss's daughter coming up behind me - she happened to come meet him at the office this morning. Very very (very!) grateful it was GYE and not porn. Still hoping she didn't get a good look at the screen (and also that she won't tell her dad I wasn't working . . .)

About a week and a half clean from porn. I'm grateful about that. The eye-groping isn't going well. Trying to just do it, but, well, I'm having trouble doing it. Missing motivation. Relatedly, having trouble finding the time and yishuv ha'daas to get into the spirit of the season. Busy remainder of the week ahead and hoping it'll be clean. 

chosemyshem wrote on 22 Jul 2025 22:46:

Question about the eye-groping and your lack of motivation.
 Is it that you have a desire to ogle and catch a deep eyeful of every lustful sight and you can’t find internal motivation and desire to want to live without that enjoyment? Or is it that you feel compelled by the sights and urges and habitual ogling when in the moment, and though you dislike that, you’re having difficulty to muster up enough motivation to summon the energy to try to deal with it ? 
Im not sure that this question makes sense, or that it’s even an either/or. Maybe a worthwhile question, though. 

Either way, thinking about you.
Probably worth focussing on your wins. 
And, of course, here’s a warm hand, 
Chaim 

ps, sorry it didn’t end up working out the other day.

chaimoigen wrote on 23 Jul 2025 01:10:

The second one. If it matters. 

And you should be

Checking in. 

Had a little bit of a rough day yesterday. I had a work thing in I guess what would be called the business district of a smaller city. Lots of trendy little shoppes, offices, restaurants, etc. The whole area was filled with (what seemed like to me) young vibrant attractive people. Right across from the location I was heading to was a large church (decorated with a beautiful rainbow flag - it was that kinda neighborhood.) And on the church steps was a whole group of young women hanging out and socializing. 

It triggered me hard. One person in particular, but the whole matzav. Later, I was able to sit with the feeling for a little bit and kinda digest what I was feeling. It wasn't just I saw someone attractive and lusted, it was more like desiring a whole different life of freedom. In German they say sehnsucht. A feeling of incompletion and longing for a more ideal alternative life. I imagined these people were happy, free, beautiful, in a way that I was not, and I wanted it. In hebrew maybe we'd say הִתְאַוּוּ תַּאֲוָה. 

Not gonna get into the lie of that feeling. But it's funny though. This feeling was a major trigger for me for a long time (perhaps not in those specific words.) I think I've become a lot more accepting of my life in general. 

I didn't handle the trigger particularly well. It threw me off, in addition to a long hard day. I thought I got past it, but ended up kinda pushing the border of a red circle activity I've avoided pretty well. Not a fall, but something that feels unhealthy to me. That being said, I think being aware of what's happening I would not have the same reaction next time. It also drove home that some substantial maturity type of stuff may have happened - it's been awhile since I felt that way.
It also drove home that if I'd kept my head down the whole time it might've been more effort at the time, but it would've avoided the whole trigger. 

Anyway. Perhaps some excessive philosphizin'. But that's where we're at. 

chosemyshem wrote on 24 Jul 2025 17:35:

Oy can I relate.
KOT

On their "Out of the Box" album, the macabeats sing an Andy Grammer song called "Keep your head up". Awesome song. I love love love it.
However, for guys like us I feel like the words should be changed to "But you gotta keep your head down and you could let your hair grow" lol

Grabbing a minute for a quick check in.

Clean. Also, ridiculously tired, grumpy, burnt out of noodles and cheese, and feeling overworked. But clean nonetheless, and I'm grateful for that. 

Grabbing a minute for a quick overly lengthy check in after tisha b'av. 

I heard a very inspiring idea at the end of Tisha B'av. Not a huge chiddush, but it hit hard. Let me back up.

I was feeling low going into tisha b'av. Not so much about lust, more about life. Major fight with my wife Friday night*, shouting at the kids, feeling like I've been wasting time instead of getting ready for the holiday, etc. etc.
So early in the day I was getting pretty depressed. The usual stuff, thinking about how utterly I've destroyed my tzelem elokim in all ways, how every moment of inspiration fades without leaving much of a mark, how I'm pushing away Hashem from my life etc. etc. 

And I was thinking that based on my track record there's just no way for me to get to the point where I should be. And it's not just me, it's the whole world going down the tubes. The Bais Halevi points out the following. Chazal say every generation that does not have the Bais Hamikdesh rebuilt is considered to have destroyed it. Every generation experiences churban more than the one before because we are more distant from that state of perfection with the Temple. Ergo, the destruction that we cause in our generation is greater than the destruction caused by the generation of the actual Destruction. Ergo, we are worse (If I didn't write it over clearly check it out in middle of his essay on Ahavas Yisroel). And we only seem to be getting worse - more and more distant from Hashem with every passing year. 

So I was thinking perhaps we're due for another Holocaust. Covid didn't shake us up enough, Oct. 7 didn't either. Perhaps we need to be really shaken awake hard. Maybe that'll do it. Because without something major it seems like we'll continue heading down. 

I thought about that a little, and decided it's kefira. We believe mashaich could come any day. Even today without our flaws changing. 
פתאם יבוא אל־היכלו האדון  אשר־אתם מבקשים
This is an article of faith. We don't need another Holocaust so we can be shaken up and change enough to deserve redemption. When Hashem wants it to happen it will happen. פתאם

So that was my thinking about the national destruction, but I was still left feeling very hopeless about my personal destruction. But I heard a beautiful idea at the end of the day, (surprisingly, from a very litvish Rav.) He talked about the pasuk by the meraglim: סלחתי כדברך .ואולם חי־אני וימלא כבוד־יהוה את־כל־הארץ
Which simply means "I have forgiven, but I swear the following. These men will not come to Eretz Yisroel." He explained instead to read it, "I have forgiven. But we're now on a different way of life, a life that requires an exploration of the glory of Hashem throughout the world in a way of golus."  

Which hit me hard. And I think this is an idea we say over and over on here. I'm where I'm supposed to be, and on these low levels is my place of avodah. Yes, I did bad things and lowered my level to some unknowable extent. And yes, I may not be "worthy" of redemption. But I've just got to do the avodah in front of me. 
לא עליך המלאכה לגמר

The big picture - solving the problems, deserving redemption - are not my problems to deal with. My job is just to keep my head down as much as can, be as honest as I can, be as kind to my family as I can. The end result is not my problem now. 

Could things have been different? Yes. But that doesn't matter to my avodah right now. And the avodah right now is a chashuv avodah, after all it's Hashem's plan for me today. 

Anyway. Four months sober and 3ish weeks clean from porn has not solved all my problems. But along we shall truck.

*

I love that Netziv. 
it one of the best formulations of the idea that you’re bringing out, one that I’ve written about extensively: That there’s a a “Plan B” which is today’s Razon Hashem to bring about the Tachlis Haberiya/person , irrespective of what would have been “Plan A” if other choices had been made. 

Keep trucking on, friend. You’re still a King. 

here’s a warm hand, 
chaim