Well Thursday was not great. I did so many squats, urge surged non-stop, davened hard but this urge would not go away.
I pushed it off a long time but still fell. Friday and shabbos were much better b"h.
Hope this week is a good week.

chooseurname wrote on 31 Dec 2023 01:36:

Hope so too!
Bhatzlacha, were rooting for you!

Yesterday was good, the day before that was pretty bad...
Today's shmiras eynaim is dedicated l'zchus refuah shelaima for my car. 
You know its gonna be expensive when the mechanic tells you it's a "weird problem" lol.

Been too long since I checked in. It's been a rough month. Very much gave up on trying. 



I don't have any big goals now, but I want to be clean today.

I also want to want to be clean tomorrow.



Happened to see a mindblowing Rambam in moreh nevuchim. He writes that a person's seichel is connected to Hashem, and if the person wants he can strengthen that connection or he can weaken it until it breaks. 

Rambam is telling us we can't just cut ourselves off with one bad act or one bad day. You can only weaken that connection until it breaks on its own. Fascinating. 

And how do we weaken that connection. By being involved with other things. "Even if you were to be the wisest of g-dly philosophers, when you turn your mind to necessary food or other business needs, you have already severed the connection between you and Hashem, and you are not with him and he is not with you."



Intense stuff. I think porn is only the second biggest distraction in my life. The biggest is reading - primarily fantasy novels but also random blogs, fiction whatever - which is probably a harder addiction to kick (although at one point I stopped reading non-jewish entertainment for a couple years. Similar to porn, once you fall it really grabs you back). 

I gonna try bl"n to cut out reading as a lateral attack on porn. Idk if that's gonna just be twice as hard or if it'll make things easier. But I gotta do something about this.

Hey, sorry to hear you had a rough month. It can be really tough when you get into a slump and I can relate to the wanting to give up. remember that every day (and hour and minute) is a big accomplishment and even if you don't get a big streak it doesn't mean your not succeeding in the battle.
I also happen to really enjoy reading, especially fantasy novels, and had kicked the habit for a few years but then recently started again. in general it's probably not a great thing as it strengthens the sense of imagination which the YH uses in enticement, and pulls you away from being "grounded", at the same time I found that it was a great distraction for me from desire, thats why I went back to it. Not sure what would be best for you, but if reading is helping you get distracted from Taavah then it may not be Kdai to quit it without a suitable substitute. Thoughts?

Hey, sorry to hear you had a rough month. It can be really tough when you get into a slump and I can relate to the wanting to give up. remember that every day (and hour and minute) is a big accomplishment and even if you don't get a big streak it doesn't mean your not succeeding in the battle.
I also happen to really enjoy reading, especially fantasy novels, and had kicked the habit for a few years but then recently started again. in general it's probably not a great thing as it strengthens the sense of imagination which the YH uses in enticement, and pulls you away from being "grounded", at the same time I found that it was a great distraction for me from desire, thats why I went back to it. Not sure what would be best for you, but if reading is helping you get distracted from Taavah then it may not be Kdai to quit it without a suitable substitute. Thoughts?

chooseurname wrote on 03 Jan 2024 14:16:

Lol

hopefulposek wrote on 29 Jan 2024 19:44:

Thanks for the encouraging words.
I agree with you that it can be a helpful distraction. For me personally, on the balance it's more of a gateway especially because I generally read on my computer. I think if I went back to the good old days of physical books then the distraction would probably outweigh the harm. Overall, for myself in my current situation I think it'll be very helpful to stop reading (novels at least. I have some excellent non-fiction in the bathroom.)

Had a good week b"h. Tuesday and today were worse.
I did successfully block the website I was reading books on, and I think that's a big step forward right now.
I need to be busier at work. I think that would be the most helpful thing for me right now.

I found a browser add on that blocks sites on chrome. I'm going to try that out and report back. Obviously no substitution for a filter, but something that slows me down and blocks that initial instinctual website should be helpful.

One small step at a time still leads you down the road to greatness

Two weeks clean b"h. Major fall in between those two weeks, but still.
This week was actually pretty easy. 
Have an absolutely freilech purim katan!

Anyone else ever feel like Shabbos is kind of like flushing the toilet on the past week (in a good way)? Getting rid of all the olam hazeh of the week and starting with a nice fresh bucket of water? 
I don't think I've seen this mashal in any sefer before, I will take full credit for it lol.
Trying to start of this week strong. 

Been a busy week b"h. Not so much with good things, but too busy for porn. 

Checking to start the week strong!

I've been counting down from 90. I don't know if that's a great idea, because what happens when I hit zero? But it's much more satisfying to see the number go down than to see the number go up. Just 71 more days to go till 90 days clean.