This shabbos will be a full month clean. It's probably been four years since I had a clean streak this long (assuming I get through today lol. Going well so far, but Friday's have always been tough and I'm not taking anything for granted).
Honestly not sure how this happened, but I will keep on trucking.

Have a peaceful shabbos.

Shabbos was good. Got a full 10 hours of sleep Friday night, I consider that a pretty good treat for a month clean lol.
Still having some distracting urges, but going pretty well. Does is ever get "easy"?
Trying not to stress about the future and just keep going.
Starting a new job after thanksgiving. Exciting but nervous about that too. Excited but nervous is a much better place to be in than bored and depressed w/r/t this trip.

chooseurname wrote on 20 Nov 2023 16:54:

Keep up the great progress and you should have great success with your new job!
Try never to focus on the future or wonder how you'll manage. We must learn to live in the present only, focusing on staying "clean" or "sober" right NOW. When we focus on the future, we can easily fall. It’s like someone walking a tightrope; if he looks down, it becomes so much harder not to fall. Therefore, when feeling weak we can tell ourselves, “just for today, I will stay clean.” “Just for this moment, I will stay clean.” The past and the future are out of our hands and belong only to Hashem. When we feel that we are about to fall, we may even tell ourselves that we reserve the right to act out tomorrow. We are not making a decision now for life. However, just for today we will do whatever we can to stay clean.

Hey, glad to hear things are going well, keep it up!
yes the kosher phones can be pricey, but it may be kdai if the other option is something which could be bypassed.
Hatzlachah and let me know what you end up doing.

Had a small fall, but a fall.
I decided I need to get email on my phone for work now. Which is something I always managed to avoid, but I feel like I need now. I talked to TAG awhile back about this, and it sounded like the simplest option was an Iphone with restrictions and some free basic filter they put on. I don't want a browser, whatsapp or whatever, both to avoid challenges and to avoid general time-wasting. I just need email, and a task management app (and like uber, maps and torah anytime. The basics). So I got set up with that.
Of course, after a couple days after I realized the more convenient keyboard I downloaded has a full search bar that can search images, youtube etc. It was bothering me tremendously. I felt like why can't I just use a keyboard like a normal person without being worried about watching porn on a keyboard?! But I knew that if I left it alone and just tried to ignore it it would eat away at me until eventually it'd lead to a fall.
So I was very bothered.
But then, when I was spacing out about this during marriv last night, I realized that I might always need to severely limit my internet access, much more than "normal people." But I'm okay with that. I'll put up with the inconvenience, extra costs, whatever. It's more important to me to set up proper safeguards than to have whatever conveniences. As soon as I realized that I felt very relieved, realized that wanting to keep this keyboard on the phone was a pure yetzer hara, and resolved to delete it. So far so good.
Of course, the yetzer hara knows me better than that. So when I got home I decided to just check it really was an issue. So I searched *inappropriate search term* and of course stuff came up. i got ahold of myself then and deleted the keyboard. I guess not as bad as it could've been, but bad.
Feeling happy I managed to stop when I did.

Story doesn't end there. After I realized the blocking was not so good, I checked probably the most well known loophole in filters (details omitted) and got to basically a full unfiltered browser in like 5 seconds. Does anyone here know anything about iphone filtering? Did TAG set it up wrong or is there no option other than paying for a filter? I wanted something simple, but if simple doesn't work I guess I'll pay for a filter (assuming they work better). I'm planning on calling TAG later, but people here will probably give it to me straighter than they will.

Side note. Although the search bar in the keyboard was really eating away at me, and I felt like it was remove it or fall, this broader loophole is not bothering me. I think because it's not in front of my face it's easier to ignore. Obviously I do not trust myself to leave it accessible.

hopefulposek wrote on 21 Nov 2023 19:27:

Yeah. I agree with you. But it looks like these kosher phones have limited app databases and I need a certain scheduling app they don't have.

Wow, I am seriously impressed that even when you discovered the loophole you were able to control yourself, you have reached an amazing milestone in your journey! I hope one day I can get to your level.
Did you try contacting the kosher phones to see if they can add the app you need to their store? I know the guy who runs safetelecom personally and I've heard of him accommodating people before with apps needed for work. I know the hassle is annoying, but if it was easy then it wouldn't be a fight
Hatzlachah! you sound like your doing great and are definitely on a good path.
PS I totally relate to the YH's trick of "gotta check if this is really an issue by trying to bypass it." Any advice on what to respond to him would be appreciated, because this is still a big area of struggle for me.

hopefulposek wrote on 22 Nov 2023 19:20:

I will call up safetelecom. I also spoke to TAG who seemed to think the software was just improperly installed on my phone. Waiting for the technician to call me back.
I have no eitzos on getting by the "oh let me just check if it's really a problem." When in doubt assume it's a problem?

As it goes yesterday's small fall turned into a larger fall.
I don't have the presence of mind right now to think about it just bc alot of life is happening at me. I'm sure when it hits me I'm gonna feel low.
My immediate reaction though is if this is what happens now what's going to happen if I go out and am working in places with totally unfiltered internet etc. Not feeling strong enough for that.
On the positive side I took the phone to TAG and was going to return it and figure out a more kosher solution. It turned out the person who helped me originally must not have been so competent (or they were but hashem had other plans) and the filter was not applied properly at all. They fixed it up and reassured me that this is a very solid option. So sticking with this and hopefully it'll be okay.
Probably won't have time to check in later, but iy"h it'll be an easy day. Off of work and hanging out with the family (after first seder of course) and hopefully that'll be an easier time.

Haven't had time to check in. Which is bad bc I find it very helpful.
But I'm doing okay. Ten days into my new clean streak, and still committed.
I will try to write a longer post later.

Btw thank you to whoever suggested wizmage. It blocks even the images on google search, which techloq somehow does not, and I'm finding it very helpful.

And now it's later so here's the longer post.
I've been trying very hard to set myself up in my new job with the mindset that my work computer is only for work. Been pretty good at that so far, but alas, that means no GYE at work. And at home, I'm trying to leave my computer on the shelf to minimize temptations. Which is also good, but means no GYE at home. (anyway it's hard for me to post bc I hide GYE from my wife more than I hid porn - there's no yetzer pushing me to peek while she's in the next room). So I've been lax about checking in.
To keep up that motivation from that check in I asked HHM to be my accountability partner and he graciously agreed. Hopefully that'll keep me honest.

One thing I've been thinking about. I went from a pretty good matziv, where I was going on a very solid streak, to the wide open business world. Honestly, I don't understand why women dress like they do in professional settings but it's very tough. And I traded the bnei yeshiva I used to have as coworkers for these people? Plus the unfiltered/less filtered computer (I do believe it's monitored at least that puts some fear into me). And it's big yeridah in a lot of ways. So if I was struggling before how am I going to succeed now? And I think about the last job I had where I would wait for everyone else to leave and "work late"....
So it's very stressful.
But I saw an amazing quote from the gra. The gemara says yitzro shel adam misgaber alav bchol yom... The gra says when does hashem help you? When if not for his help the yetzer would be misgaber. But if you're not doing everything you can and you just let the yetzer hara overcome you without fighting to the utmost Hashem won't help you.

Right now, it was the right thing to take this job and put myself into this situation (I think). And so I'll fight with my all. And it's true that's not enough. But I rely on hashem to carry me through if I do my part.
Right now, that means image blocker on the computer at work, minimize internet at home, and accountability partner. Plus continuing urge surfing techniques and davening. And even though it's not enough it's all I can do and I'm going to do it and not give.

Good night.

I hope to check in weekly now.

Checking in.
Still going strong.
I feel like a couple weeks ago I was in a much better place though. Shmiras eynayim in the street was easier, no old memories/fantasies were popping into my head. Recently (since my last fall) it's been much more of a struggle.
If it needs to be a struggle then I'll struggle. But all things considered I like it better when it's easier. I'm trying to objectively look at what I'm doing and see if there are things I need to change, but its tough.
No doubt relatedly I've been feeling down. Feels like a very dark Chanuka.
But aside from that, I'm grateful to be clean now. Things are good.

chooseurname wrote on 12 Dec 2023 02:20:

And today was better. B"h. So it goes, ups and downs.

Serious fall yesterday. Saw it coming I guess since I had a smaller fall the day before and it tends to be aveirah gorers aveirah.
Realized though it's been over a month since my last fall. Trying to take pride in that.
Hashem gave me a good smack upside the head though. I got home from work (late of course, since I was busy falling). My wife set up a special date night, with an activity. Details omitted but it involved a black light lol. I was so paranoid it would show the evidence of my crime. I fuffled and delayed so I could shower first. But it was pretty funny I guess.
Re-commiting to the following three things.
1. Practicing my urge surfing meditation thing daily.
2. Absolutely no personal stuff at work (except for checking my personal email, since that's very hard for me not to do).
3. Do 3 squats when I feel an urge.
90 days from today is (roughly) Purim. If I stay clean till then I'm buying myself the fanciest bourbon I can find for Purim. Let's do it.

Trying to view successes. So far since rosh hashana I've had five or six falls. Let's say about 7 unclean days total.
I found a kabola chart from two years ago that I picked up in shul. Basically just a sheet a paper that you mark on the calendar if you did your rosh hashana kabola that year. Naturally, I decided I would not masturbate, but had 0 plans, techniques, or support. I was also working in a place with unfiltered internet, and - due to some weird schedule issues - would often stay after everyone left and eat supper in the office. 
My first fall on the chart was by parshas noach.
Every week after that, with maybe two exceptions, had at least two falls. And by falls I mean actual porn or masturbation, not some small slip in shmiras einayim in the street.
I gave up on that chart by parshas tetzava, it was so depressing.
So even though I slipped, I'm doing hundreds of times better now than I was then. I think that's encouraging.