Hi, Posting to keep grounded. B"H still clean and things are going well. Still have normal guy taaveh but feeling ok with where I'm holding. Intimacy is unsatisfactory and lots of frustration triggers at home, but that's part of life. the key is understand where the frustration comes from, give myself space to feel those feelings and slowly come to terms with the current situation. One thought which has helped me tremendously in combating anxiety which preludes frustration many times aimed at my wife (which can then lead to feelings of frustration in intimacy, manifesting in desires for other women who will "better understand and please me"), is that "I will take care of myself. I will make sure that I am cared for in whatever fashion necessary." I was surprised at how much this helped me, but I found it useful. I believe because much anxiety is catastrophizing situations ending in my being miserable, or not being able to do something exciting or important to me, and this thought reminded me that even if my wife is not going to be able to help me with what I need, I will help myself.
On the point of the frustrating intimacy, I found one thought which had helped me in the past but I had stopped using it for no reason. But first, my initial thought which helped the frustration in the intimacy is "I don't need sex to survive and be happy." This is fundamental in combating an addictive/compulsive behavior which one uses for emotional regulation and escape. Constantly (daily) reminding yourself that what you have taught yourself and what your brain is telling you is false. However, even though this helped me be ok with not having sex anymore, I still had the frustration when we would have sex and it felt like a chore, like I simply existed for the sake of pleasuring my wife. So I changed the thought a tad and found it helpful, "I don't need lust to survive and be happy." Not %100 sure why it helped me so much, but I remember not being resentful and frustrated during intimacy then, I think pshat is that now I'm happy with whatever level of enjoyment I get from being together with my wife even if it doesn't have a lustful atmosphere to it. I am separating the lustfulness from the sex and therefore find the pleasure and meaning in just being together.
There will still be the physical discomfort of getting all revved up and then denied the release, but it's also not comfortable to see a very attractive girl, get aroused and then not masturbate. It is ok to be uncomfortable. I think the best thing for that is to discuss with my wife (which I have tried already unsuccessfully) that it is extremely uncomfortable to be left without release at the end of intimacy, but I'm not sure because once you tell her then if she doesn't fulfill it will create frustration.
On a related note, I would like to get back to regular journaling, I fell out of it a few weeks back and it makes a discernable impact.
Hope this is helpful for the hopefuls out there, just got to keep learning about ourselves and be honest with our situation.
