Thanks for the suggestion. Right now I'm going to try again for 90 days and be'ezrat hashem I will get there and maybe ill give the f2f program a shot. I'm working out a whole bunch of things in my life right now which is definitely keeping me stressed but better to get them out of the way now then to do it later. I'm goin to try and post more often over the next 90 days but I'm not going to have access that often.

Back up to day 10. Starting to regain my strength and feel good about myself again. Thank you to all of those who reached out to me and sent me emails, it was really mechazek me!

back up to day 15! going strong!

Things weren’t going well for me but bh I’m back up to a two week streak. Filters weren’t doing the job for me as I viewed them as a challenge to get past and I always managed to. I wasn’t falling so often but whenever i was in the mood to fall, i did. So I decided that I needed to start addressing the real problem here and start figuring out how to change myself so that I don’t cave in every time I feel an urge (which bh is a lot less often then it used to be). I met with a therapist for the first time last week and told him everything. And together we are working out a plan to help me address the underlying problems and tackle this situation. I’m very optimistic right now. I’m meeting again this week and probably again the next week and so on. Be’ezrat hashem this will be my way out for good. I look forward to sharing in my successes!

ps. Even though i only have a two week streak right now, i realized that I’ve had 350 days clean over the last year and that’s going from falling multiple times a week, and many times multiple times in a day. I have had some serious growth in this area, I’m just trying to knock off the last bits that are hard to get rid of.

You are such an inspiration. Ok am so happy to hear that you are pushing even further and taking all steps possible to deal with this. The growth you attain from this will accompany you through life while the falls will become a distant memory.

Face the challenge wrote on 23 Mar 2023 21:47:

I stand up 4 you with admiration and awe.

And here comes another bein hazmanim…

It’s definitely the hardest time of the year. I have never in the past managed to go through a full bein hazmanim clean but I’m feeling very confident that this one will be different. I’m actively working with my therapist and things are looking good. I took a lot more steps to prevent myself from getting triggered. Obviously you can’t stop everything (like walking outside…) but you can definitely limit them. So with my gedarim in place I daven that I should have hatzlacha and come clean through this whole month (and beyond). I also hope that everyone else out there in this world will be able to have a full clean month. Hashem  should give everyone here siyata dishmaya and hatzlacha. And as usual, feel free to reach out to me!

I also wanted to thank everyone who reached out to me privately!! You guys are really mechazek me!!

Hatzlacha Rabba!

FTC!
Its so great to hear from you! 
I missed you tons!
Im happy that you took the initiative to start going for Therapy, it will hopefully help you greatly. Most of us have underlying pain thats causing us to look for pleasure in these areas. So Good Luck! 
You are right to focus on the clean days in the last  year! You have made a UTURN and you will never be the same as you were before, the fight is not over but you are proven to yourself and to Hashem that you are here and willing and able to fight like a true warrior! 
So keep up the good work, stay strong, and keep posting, we want to hear from you! 
I wish i had your strength as a Bucher, my life today would've been so much easier had i started down this path 16-20 years ago......

chancy wrote on 27 Mar 2023 15:32:

Thanks for the warm welcome back(-:

I’m back up to a three week streak! It feels great to be back into the swing of things again and be’ezrat hashem I will continue staying strong throughout the rest of bein ha’z and onwards!!

Hashem decided to throw me a challenge yesterday and today. I keep getting bad thoughts popping into my head at all the wrong moments. Thank g-d I am making my way through these hard times right now and I am hoping it will get easier again within the next few days.

On a side note I was gonna write “I’m almost up to thirty days which is a third towards my goal…” and then realized how wrong it is to say that. I’m not almost a third towards any goal, rather I’ve reached my goal for 25 days!! One day at a time. The goal is not to to be clean for 90 days, rather the goal is to be clean today, tomorrow, the next day and beyond. (I hope this made sense to someone(-; )

Anyway I am praying that be’ezrat Hashem I (and everyone else on gye) will continue being matzliach in the battle for kedusha! Looking forward to my first clean bein hazmanim in a long, long time!
Ftc

Welcome to the club  

something that helps me is that if a thought comes up during davening I say thank you Hashem for the opportunity to do Teshuva on this thought and then I wipe it off my forehead with my hand, then shake my hand like I’m trying to shake off some water droplets. 

Hi FTC,
Please dont be afraid of the thoughts popping into your head! Its not your fault and has nothing to do with you. 
A big tzaddik once said that people think that Tzadikkim dont have any Nisyonos... if people knew what kinds of thoughts the YH pops into the heads of tzadikkim they would explode...... (Im paraphrasing here) meaning that the YH does what he does best and that it to scare you that you must act on your thoughts. You know better then that. 
How many times have you ignored the thoughts? and has something happened? no, you moved on and thats it. So why let it get to you? 
Nothing will  happen if you acknowledge them and just move on. You understand what the thoughts mean, they want some pleasure but you also know that going down that route means the following.
1. You will be sinning and hurting your Neshama
2. You are disobeying Hashems will, He loves you and wants only the best for you, He is begging you not to fall for this falacy.
3. You are hurting your future wife and children by giving in to this temptation (this is explained in Kabala) 
4. You will be extremaly upset after giving in.
5. Your learning and Davening will suffer.
6. You can add to this list, im sure there are lots of more reasons. 

My point is that you need to train your brain to think realistically, yes this will give me a few moments of pleasure, but against this whole stack of pain it'll cause, is it worth it??? In my case, i came to the absolute conclusion that NO! its just not worth it, so unless im drunk or out of my mind, my retional mind will protest. 
Learn from my mistakes... I wish i started at your age and stage in life.....

Good Luck and have a happy and lovely Yom tov! 

Bh I have moved onwards and in a better place then I was a few days before the chag. My thoughts are much cleaner and im progressing nicely!

Back up to a 31 day streak and I feel confident right now that this could be my first beinhazmanim in a really long time that I can make it clean the whole time! I’m looking forward to sharing good news!!! 

ps: I would like to share a simcha with the oilam here. Being that I’ve had a lot more time on my hands over the last year after cutting down on so much of this garbage, I decided to invest a lot of that time in my learning and I was able to complete a mesechta on Wednesday morning!! I’ve also memorized all of the mishnayot in that mesechta! I figured that if I could remember all the schmutz that was in my head, I could probably also memorize torah. So I set out to work and with the help of hashem I managed to finish. Now I’m on to the next mesechta!! I’m sharing this with the oilman bc it was only with the help of so many people here that I’ve managed to have this free time on my hands, so it’s a zchus for you guys too!! I hope to be able to share more simchos in the future!
A gut moed!

FTC

Your incredibly amazing!!! A true inspiration....!!! May this Pesach be a true Zeman Cheruseinu 4 u....