connected wrote on 10 Aug 2023 15:26:
Alright, after spending a couple of days in the deep end, I'm at the point where I'm ready to get back up.
Many times in the past have I been here, but this time is different. Of course, every time I say it's different, but this time it's different for another reason.
You see, in the past, every time I'd get disgusted with my behavior after a deep dive, I'd say, "Okay, this time, I'm stopping for good!". I'd start counting; sometimes, I'd last a week, sometimes even more, till I inevitably took another plunge, which would again strengthen my resolve to stop. I'd start off high, get past the first few tough days, and start sailing, and then remember how good it feels, and all nice excuses start coming up, and the next thing I know, I'm at it again. At first, I'd enjoy it and say, "See? This is good. This is doable." Day two has a bit less enjoyment and a bit more dullness. By the time the third day comes around, there's nearly no enjoyment at all; just trying to get myself excited. This is usually what turns me off, and I make the decision to quit, and the cycle continues...
Now I just see the cycle for what it is. I am at this point now.
Will this time be different? No clue. I can assume that not.
The only difference, so far, is this knowledge.
You are making a critical point that I thought about a lot in my own struggles. I will put it into other words, if you don't mind. Talking to myself, about what I am learning on your thread.
A person can have a lot of different desires inside of them.
If I
want P&M because I like it and it and it serves a certain function in my life, and I also want to feel clean, and I also hate feeling dirty: This conjunction of differing desires creates a set up for a neat cycle of fall, regret, resolve, return.
For change to last, it's not enough to muster the resolve to hold on. Because when the excitement of resolve wears off, as you say, and the feeling of immediate regret and disgust fade, what's countering my genuine
desire and want for the cozy mud?
For the function it fills in my life? Behavior has function.
What I have to figure out is not just
how to hold on, buthow to change. How to change the internal desire for the cozy mud, how to find a different way to get what I need , so I can actually
not want it. How to fill the hole in my heart and the void of the pain in me, how to manage the difficulties in me - with something better or other than the cozy mud. That's hard. But that's what I have been working on.
One day at a time - but small
changes. Not merely
days.
Hatzlacha, my friend. Your honesty is refreshing. You are a good man.