DavidT wrote on 27 Dec 2022 16:10:

I was actually not talking about using distractions. That might work for some, but for me (and many others), it turns it into a battle.
What I'm learning is almost the opposite of distracting myself. To acknowledge and treat it the same way I'd treat any object outside me - like a tree.

We can apply this to every disturbance and annoyance we experience.

Practicing (guided) meditation is helping me immensely in this area.

connected wrote on 27 Dec 2022 17:11:

GYE has a tool called "Urge Surfing" which is similar to what you're describing.

With Urge Surfing the idea is to observe the urge, rather than distract yourself or fight it, until the urge eventually disappears. When you are able to observe urges in this way rather than being afraid of them, they begin to lose their grip on you.

app.guardyoureyes.com/toolbox/tools/urge-surfing

Day 7

a: ...so, therefore, I say yes.
b: ...I respectfully disagree. No.
a: I see what you're saying, but I think you're wrong. Yes.
b: Let's agree to disagree. No.
a: Good, like two adults. Yes.
b: Exactly, no need to fight about it. No.

Cold silence

a: I Still say yes.
b: Well, I still say no.
a: You have your head stuck in the sand! Yes.
b: And your head is stuck in other places. No.
a: Yes.
b: No.
a: Yes!
b: No!
a: YES!
b: NO!

Day 8

Me: [Notices a finely presented female.]
Him: Oh my goodness! 9 o'clock, check it out!
Me: [Takes a stealthy peek.] Oh, Fudge! My goodness, indeed!
Only I didn't say fudge, I said %^*@
Him: Now, find a safe place from where drink it all in.
Me: Yeah...! Hey, wait a second, why?
Him: What do you mean by "why"? You have the perfect opportunity!
Me: Opportunity for what?
Him: Oh, c'mon. You know how that image makes you feel inside. You got it right next to you!
Me: Yeah, I've been thinking about that too. Why do I feel that way when I see that? I mean, it's not like I can have it or touch it. I can't even masturbate to it. For goodness sake, I'm in the grocery.
Him: Stop being so analytical! It's a simple equation: it feels good + you have the opportunity = do it.
Me: Hmmm, I'll pass.
Him: You'll what now?!
Me: Pass. I said I'll pass.
Him: I heard what you said! What does "pass" mean?
Me: It means that I don't need to pounce on every opportunity. I'm fine.
Him: Idiot.
Me: Oh, look, this would be great for shabbos nosh!
Him: Yeah, whatever...


This whole conversation took place in about ten seconds. 
Yesterday.

Day 12

What did I wanna say? Donno. Anyhow.
Markz rebranded. Congrats Markz. Or is it a sorry situation where his old car finally gave up?

Oh, yes, Sunday.
I spent a solid few time-measures waiting in the car while the wife went shopping. As the minutes turned into more minutes, I observed a familiar desire to watch porn and masturbate.
"Why?" I asked myself, "What's triggering my current craving?"
It could be that while I'm waiting, other women are passing to and fro, and my eyes are working overtime. This is certainly a possibility. I won't rule that out.
But I think it's deeper than that.
"What am I feeling?" I ask my (other) self.

Sitting in the car makes me feel insignificant. It makes me feel taken advantage of. Like my wife doesn't respect me.
"You just wait out here for an undetermined amount of time so you'll be available when I need you."
How does porn make me feel (At least the particular genre I wanted then)?
Wanted. Needed.
Of course. The desire for porn increases at the same rate as the time marches indifferently ahead. It gives me validation.

Now that I see it this way, I have something to work with. Whether I'll be triumphant or not is a whole 'nother discussion.
But at least I (think I can) see clearly what's what.

So I didn't end up watching porn or masturbating yesterday. Do we call it a win? Is this what winning feels like?
Weird.

connected wrote on 02 Jan 2023 15:53:

Rabbi Dr. Twerski ZT"L used to tell a story about how discovering that sitting in a hot tub for more than 5 minutes was torturous for him brought him to the understanding that he really wasn't comfortable being by himself, because he didn't like himself too much. He says that all activities most people do "to relax" are actually distracting us from ourselves. Not saying this is the case by you. It was by me. And it may be something to consider.

jackthejew wrote on 02 Jan 2023 17:58:

There might be an aspect of this, but I think in this particular case (the Sunday blues), it's more about feeling unimportant and seeking validation. Those cravings are always served with a side of resentment toward her too.

In the past few months, I've actually been learning to spend time with myself: no music, no calculations, just stillness. 'Twas nearly impossible in the beginning, but I gotta say, I'm getting to know myself a little better.
I'm quite fascinating.

connected wrote on 02 Jan 2023 15:53:

Very interesting. Years ago, I arrived at the same conclusion myself - often I sought stimulation and storylines that made me feel wanted and needed, and that's where fantasies tended to go. Along with that, the predictable triggers (aside from feeling used) are feeling rejected (which can often come from asking too much or being manipulative - exactly when you're feeling you want to be wanted). 
I'm wondering if you've had further success in unraveling the cause or solution to these thoughts. For me, I've been very successful of late, with various strategies - but I haven't really tried addressing this piece head-on. Feel free to PM if you prefer.

Avrohom wrote on 03 Jan 2023 04:44:

Very interesting indeed.
The more I think about it, the clearer it gets.
The type of fantasy I'd choose to seek out is directly reflective of the reason for seeking it in the first place.
Wife issues, Mommy issues, Daddy issues, etc.

An emotion would come up, and the healthy thing to do would be to acknowledge it and let it heal. Instead, I'd find the tailored fantasy played out on screen to numb it. And the cycle would continue...

Wow... Thanks, @Avrohom, for your input!

Day 13

Asara B'teves.
I'm hungry.
In more than one way.

connected wrote on 03 Jan 2023 19:30:

Thanks.
Godspeed.
I'm hungry .... and starvin'.
My wife is neither.

cordnoy wrote on 03 Jan 2023 20:12:

In some cases if you starve it, it is satiated; but if you satiate it, it is starving.

Day 14

I finally broke my fast (one of them), so I'm no longer hungry but still starving.
At what point of starvation does it become satiated?

The email says: Congratulations on reaching level 4!
Blah blah blah

Day 15

This is the furthest I've gotten since my crash in the summer.
So?
Live to fight let go and surrender another day.
Fighting doesn't work, at least not for me. When I fight, I'm under stress, and stress makes me want to escape.
Learning to become a mindful observer is where I'm currently at in my journey.
What will be tomorrow?
I don't know, and I don't need to know.
I can be okay and enjoy this moment because that's all there is.


Lest anyone think I'm at peace now, hell no. I've been in that state of mind, so I know it's attainable.
But right now, I'd really enjoy some porn.

Day 16

I'm sitting and watching the lust race around inside. It's waiting for me to jump in a dance along, as I've done many times.
("Many times", I say. What an understatement.)
It looks tempting. I want to take a sip and get drunk.
It feels so weird to disconnect from it. So foreign.

Sigh...