I love this post. It gave me a lot to think about. I have been constantly battling to plug all the holes in my daily routine. Filters on everything, not going certain places, it has been a 24/7 defensive battle against the Yetzer Hara. As a little kid, if my mother told me I couldn't have something,  that something became much more desirable.

If the ultimate goal is freeing yourself from these demons, hiding from them may help in the short term, but the long-term answer is not to desire them anymore. I am not downplaying the need for filters and other protective measures, but true freedom lies in not needing them. 

Fasinating!

Bh closing in on 1000 days iyh within two months.   I am genuinely humbled by this gift from hashem.  I am iyh planning a party to celebrate and dance in recognition of hashems kindness In bringing me to this milestone.  (You are the only ones who know about this, Everyone else thinks I’m planning a wedding)

I received a text today from someone who remembered me from a few years ago when I used to attend forbidden events.  I responded that I know longer participate in any of these events, and I proceeded to delete the exchange and his number .  I felt very good that Hashem sent me this to remind me of, and to strengthen my resolve. 

The truth is that it is always good to do things to strengthen this resolve. Indeed, often when I pass a club or other forbidden sites, I will lift up my hand as an additional blocker besides, just looking away. Sometimes I will even say out loud I don’t go there, and I don’t look at this. All of this helps to ingrain in me an instinctive resistance to these temptations that would otherwise naturally cause me to feel a pull towards them.  .

Wow, wow, wow!

Such a chizzuk to see this, as we matriculate our way towards milestones in your wake....

Following your lead!

Muttel

That's amazing - I wish I could get there someday. 

I found that last sentence
"It takes a long time to rewire 30 years of the thinking but only a second to turn towards the right direction!"
very  powerful - I find myself obsessing about the way in which my mind has been messed up by porn, with concentration, productivity and creativity affected, and how long it will take to get my brain back to normal.

The thing is - I have no power over that! The only thing I can control is me in the present moment.  

judah10 wrote on 09 Aug 2024 07:33:

the only choice you have, is the one that is right in front of you.  Everything else is just a distraction.  

the goal is not to "get the brain back to normal".  the goal is to make the right choices.  When you do that it will change your life much faster than you can imagine.

My very first post – December 16, 2021 -

“Hello all.  I am new to the site.  I have been aware of GYE for quite a while but had come to terms with the “fact” that I am too deep into my secret life so I might as well embrace that side of me. For the past many years I have had a “live and let live”relationship with the two sides of me.  I recently committed to make a number of serious positive changes in my life.  It took about 3 weeks of having “set up GYE account “ on my to do list, but I finally did it!  It will be a slow process for me.  I will definitely need to get a personal therapist as well.  

I am looking forward to being able to share more, both about my struggles and about my journey to recovery. At this point I only have the struggles and I am waiting for further guidance before I post more about that. I don’t think the details are appropriate for an open forum and I don’t want to trigger anyone else by talking about my past activities.  On the other hand to truly obtain the support I need it is important for people to know where I am coming from.

 I am in my 50s and Bh have children and extended family to whom I am quite close. It pains me to have had to keep this secret from them for so many years. So far, they all respect me.  I am a very caring, thoughtful and good natured guy.  Would I lose their respect if they knew this other side of me?

I have tried to stop in the past without any success.  There have been many times that I deleted my accounts and passwords etc. it never lasted.     I really feel that things are different now and that the opportunity is ripe for success. The tools available to me are way beyond anything that has been available in the past.  I have more menuchas hanefesh then I can remember. (I daven that this is not the calm before the storm). 

I am not guaranteed success and there is a part of me that does  not believe it is possible.  I listened to today’s boost and I could not even bring myself imagine what success feels like.  (I did appreciate the part about hashem being with us in the struggle) I don’t remember what it feels like to be pure.  I am an emotional person and I am tearing up as I write this. 

please feel free to comment or question. I am hoping to build positive relationships and appreciate any support I can get. I could go on for a long time but I just realized that it’s already over a half hour that I have been working on this post. Sorry for rambling and thank you in advance. “

1000 days later-

Hello all once again.  I am no longer new to the site!  It feels like I just started here yesterday, but actually it is close to three years since I started lurking and then posting.  Many of the people who would post when I first started here are long gone.  Some of them have deleted their accounts and some just don’t log in anymore.  Perhaps some of them are still here under a new profile.  I have to say that I do miss some of those people and I continue to daven and think about some of them every day.

I would like to thank those who encouraged me from the start.  The ones that took the time to acknowledge me and my struggle.  The ones who gave their recommendations and suggestions but most of all they gave me the sense that they cared and they believed in me.  All of them played a part in a successful transformation from a guilt-ridden imposter chasing cheap imitations of pleasure to a confident and genuine person who is in touch with what my soul really does desire.

I don’t know for certain what specific zchus I had for which I merited this gift from hashem. (I have written previously about it.  I believe it was the daf yomi that I started and kept to.) I don’t know how I was able to climb this giant mountain on which previously I kept sliding further and further down.  As indicated on my very first post here on GYE, I was very unsure that it was possible to climb out of the hole I had dug for myself.  The pull of the decadent society to which I was privy seemed to win every major battle in my life, with each defeat moving the battle lines to something even further removed from my true purpose in life.

The beginning of my recovery was extremely emotional.  Bezras hashem I was able to capture many of my feelings in writing that I posted here.  The encouragement and feedback that I received from my writings helped solidify everything that I was doing.  I started to gain more and more confidence and eventually I realized that if I continue to actively follow the plan I had set forth, I did not have to worry that this growth would not last.

There is not room for complacency. One can go up or go down but one never stays the same.  In the beginning it was easy to recognize growth.  The mere fact that I was no longer going to the places I had been going or seeing the things I had been seeing was testimony to the fact that I was growing.  As the metamorphosis continued it was clear to me that my time and my actions were becoming more and more dedicated to their true purpose.  However, yesterday’s growth can become today’s routine, as I was discussing with my dear dear friend Reb Chaim Oigen recently, how do we continue to grow.

The truth is that there is growth in routine.  As the medrash in parshas pinchas says that says according to one tanna -   אֶת־הַכֶּ֥בֶשׂ אֶחָ֖ד תַּֽעֲשֶׂ֣ה בַבֹּ֑קֶר וְאֵת֙ הַכֶּ֣בֶשׂ הַשֵּׁנִ֔י תַּֽעֲשֶׂ֖ה בֵּ֥ין הָֽעַרְבָּֽיִם is the greatest of all the rules (even greater than v’ahavta l’reiacha kamocha or shma Yisrael…) Keeping to the set routine, day in and day out reinforces the dedication that we have.  Keeping to our commitment without letup is not complacency.  The growth may be more subtle but if you look back after an extended period of time you can recognize that slow and steady growth.

There is another element of growth that is not as subtle.  Over these past few years, people have reached out to me.  Often this led to a phone or sometimes an in-person conversation.  Having these conversations and answering questions about recovery gave me the opportunity re-verbalize the ideas and theories that have helped me in my journey.  Every one of those conversations left me renewed in my commitment, resolve and contentment in following this path.  I believe that I gain as much, if not more, than any person reaching out.  I am forever grateful for each and every person that elevated my confidence and reinvigorated my motivation by recognizing me as a resource through which they could grow in their own battles and commitments.

Most importantly, I wanted to publicly thank my incredible group of current friends here on GYE, some that I have gotten to know quite well.  From coast to coast and across the great seas you know who you are.  I believe that slowly the battlefield is changing and collectively we are giving so many people a real chance of success in this struggle.  I am honored to be counted amongst your friends and cherish each and every call, text or meeting.

As I celebrate hitting day 1000, I call out to each and every one of you here.  May hashem continue to lead us on the road of kedusha.  May we be zoche to continue to inspire and be inspired. May we all join together in song and dance as we greet Moshiach very soon from our front row seats, speedily in our days.

Wishing all of you continued success

vehkam

MAZAL TOV!!!!

I'm not sure what you imagined when you first joined, but I can unequivocally say that reading your journey gave me a tremendous push and the feeling that it's ultimately possible to actually achieve the life I've been dreaming of living. 

Meeting you was an experience I will never forget. You have the ideas laid out so clearly that there's really only one choice to make. 

My wish is, don't disappoint and disappear like others have. You have so much to offer and each post of yours is read and reread till the idea resonates. 

I might be speaking for myself, but I truly believe that these feelings are shared by many active and silent users. 

Keep being the watchtower. There's so much guilt and pain in this world, but ,מעט אור דוחה הרבה חושך!

וברכתי מעומקא דליבא, שתצליח בתשוקתך להרבות קדושה וטהרה בעולם. מתוך בריות גופא ונהורא מעליא. ויפתח ה' לך את אוצרו הטוב!

המברך מקרב ליבי,
יפתח

Ur post made me cry.

I DO remember when u started posting and through following ur thread, I got to feel a lil about ur struggles and stuff u dealt with all along.

Tbh, I was skeptical in the beginning as of how long you'll fight b4 giving up, and you kept/keep on growing, battle after battle.

Vehkam, you're the guy that I wish to emulate, one day..

may hashem grant u a lifetime of purity and all you need.

When there are no words, שתיקה will suffice.
Though I can't post שתיקה, know that I sit here contemplating your words, thinking back.....

You were the first I met on this hallowed site. The boost you gave, seeing how deep you fell and how high you grew,
Inspired me and continues to do so.....

But my deep feelings at seeing you hit this milestone remain unspoken.......

Know that the love I have for you is deep and strong......

Muttel

The זכות הרבים that you have in so many of our journeys cannot be overstated. Your 1000 is not just a number, but it represents the ultimate transformation that a human being can attain. You have become a role model for so many of us of what we can become. Your sound advice given over with genuine humility (either on the forums or on the phone) always inspires me. It's been a great privilege and זכות to get to know someone like you.

much of my growing i owe to you,
one of the many powerful things is this line:
"I have written previously about it.  I believe it was the daf yomi that I started and kept to"
for me personally its something i relate to, no matter how lusty i am when im committed to my learning things are just calm, fantasies slip away.

אשריך

I would like to humbly add my bircas hedyot.
יה"ר שיזכה לעלות מעלה מעלה וימלא ה' בל משאלות לבך לטובה ויזכה לקבל פני משיח צדקינו בקרוב ממש בקדושה וטהרה אמיתית!!

You are a true inspiration in such a deep way, I look forward to hopefully speaking again and continuing to gain from you for many more years!

Mazel Tov!

You were the first GYE friend that I met (I'm actually laughing remembering outside which shul we met!) That meeting lit a spark inside of me that continues to grow and keep me warm. You replaced my yiush with real hope, and my despair with true light!

You should be zoche to a continued life of aliyah!

IWLR

Talk about motivating!!!! WOW... This literally made my day

Can we frame the attached screenshot?

It's so precious.....