So I was motzi zera levatala today after a nine-day streak, and have again been going through the flood of emotions that I experienced the day I wrote my first post here.

I have a desire to get right back up, especially considering how much my whole life attitude changed that day when I got right back up. I also want a zechus to be able to get some direction in life that I need right now. I remember the therapeutic feeling of writing on here too.

At the same time, I feel like it is sooooo stupid to not take advantage of this day - really make the best of it lol. I'm also very disappointed cause It was really only by accident, and now I'm back at 0, 10 days behind freedom.

I just paused writing this to delete some shmutz I remembered I have on my device. Also, earlier today I had my filter settings tightened to filter skin tones.

Unfortunately, I also just tried a way to see mildly untznius pictures and found that it doesn't always filter it properly. More importantly, I'm just feeling so unmotivated to continue, especially after looking at those pictures. Like there are times when I just feel that being memale this taava is actually good and true and like I'm experiencing the best thing in the world. I just feel like women are so perfect. There's like nothing more I want right now than to be with a woman. I feel like I care so little about anything else, and I certainly don't feel that powerfulness and fighter attitude I've felt before. Wow, I feel like a loser.

I also think I can actually make it through this, but I wonder how long it's going to take, and when I'll finally be free. When will this be over already??? Will I have to suffer for 90 days? Also, things are always triggering me from every side, and I'm dealing with other stuff in life as well, and I don't have the energy to avoid the more obvious triggers (looking at women in the street for example).

It's hard to believe I ever got right back up without taking advantage of the day before (it actually also happened the last day that I was nichshal; I didn't do it again, and immediately started my nine-day streak). I'm feeling so not up to that.

Well, I think I've poured it all out now. Again, B'ezras Hashem, I will keep myself accountable to you guys, Tayere Yidden, and post here tomorrow that I made it.

Wow. Keep on pushing man. I look forward to reading your posts!

I know the feeling of looking ahead and seeing 90 days of suffering in front of you. You just gotta take it one day at a time. Make it until you're in bed and asleep. Tomorrow rinse and repeat. Your yetzer hara will actively try and make you think of how long you will need to stay clean in order to deter you from even trying. Don't let it fool you. There is nothing like reflecting back on your day and thinking to yourself "I could have fallen but I didn't." 

Wow your post is so relatable especially this part


You have probably heard this thousands of times but Hashem is only giving you all those nisyonos because He knows you can overcome them all; He wants you to feel accomplished in life! He would never give you lemons that you can't turn into lemonade lol. My best/only advice is if you pass 100 pritzes on the street and you look at all but one of them, be proud of the fact that you were able to resist looking at that one. If the Ribono Shel Olam can be proud of you for it, why shouldn't you be able to as well? Not only should you feel proud, but also the more you feel accomplished, the less traction the YH will have to make you fall again.

Looking forward to reading your post tmr. Hatzlocha!

(Is that how quoting works?) No, the real losers are the ones who buy into and preach and live that belief. There were times I felt the best gan eden would be these fantasies, but we know deep down it's nonsense. Even the acting out isn't much. You just can't feel it right now, but at least you know there is something better even though you can't feel it right now. Just keep going, you'll get there. We all will.

What Harav Hagaon General Grant Shlita did and what I would do myself if I had a fall is to really write down all of your feelings and how bad you feel now and don't leave anything out write a whole megillah and later on when you feel tempted to fall look at what you wrote right after falling to give you chizzuk not to fall again!


Nothing against you but if possible try not to specify what exactly you have difficulty with because other people might not and then it gives them new ideas to get around their filters or whatnot (for myself personally I never would have thought ________ could be a place to fall but after everyone on GYE started talking about it now its a bit of an issue). This is the first time i'm saying anything about it but not nearly the first time ive had an issue with it so don't think its davka you 

Regardless, wishing you much success in your journey!

Know that the farther in you get the easier it gets (for the most part) so the first few weeks are the hardest but after that you start going down the other side of the mountain - have to watch your step to make sure you don't fall but not as difficult as climbing up the mountain

Fair point, EvedHashem1836. My apologies. I edited it out and please feel free to do so in your reply as well. 

I'm glad to say that again I wasn't nichshal a second time yesterday. Unfortunately, though, I'm not experiencing that upbeatness that I experienced my first day posting. I'm mostly feeling burnt out, and not having any real desire or drive to keep going. I'm really only going because I know intellectually, that I'm so done with this mitzrayim. Trying to have kabalas ol is perhaps a small factor too. I wonder if that positivity I had before was just a one-hit-wonder, a special gift from Hashem, a one time blow to my yetzer, and now I have to take it up a notch - give him a bigger blow. I'm also finding that while I didn't find writing my post yesterday so therapeutic, right now I'm finding writing this is. With Hashem's help I will post here tomorrow and say that I wasn't nichshal today either.

Waiting for the post!
Hatzlacha