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TOPIC: Square one 16470 Views

Re: Square one 27 May 2021 18:54 #369102

@LTI its incredible that youre at 42 days!

Truly amazing stuff keep it going!

Think about if you really give into your desires youre gonna have to start alllll over again from the beginning and be in a rut first for a month or two before you start getting in a rhythm so possibly 90 days from when you would fall to when you would be back at 42 days again. 

Youre almost halfway to 90 you can do it!!


Regarding being a bachur - As a bachur myself (18 years old) one of the biggest motivators for me is to start shidduchim process while being squeaky clean. Especially after reading much of the married people's struggles on here (no offense guys) I really don't want to be in situations like those and want to end it NOW. So nothing will magically help you except YOU YOURSELF. YOU have to do this and you have to do it NOW. 

From the last few of your posts it looks like your getting a bit fed up with fighting the battle and are slipping a bit.

Dude.

Get back on your horse.

Keep on fighting.

And win.

For all of us.

Because were all rooting for you.
Think about how good you'll feel if you say no to desire and compare that to how bad you'll feel if you say yes.

Desire is unique in the way that it is never fulfilled -  if you give in the desire comes back even more powerful in just a few days. Telling yourself that its ok because this is really the last time doesn't work because you are just adding new images to your head that will cause future falls.

The Joy of triumph over the yetzer hara is worth the effort it takes to win. It IS worth it! Keep fighting!

My thread: 
Aiming to be better

Feel free to contact me at evedhashem1836@gmail.com

Re: Square one 27 May 2021 21:30 #369118

Thank you for all the chizzuk, evidently I was not in such a great mood yesterday
Day 42
6 weeks clean bH
Busy day today, so didn't have time to fall back into the rut
Last Edit: 27 May 2021 21:30 by looking_to_improve.

Re: Square one 28 May 2021 11:37 #369133

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Being that our chaver Looking To Improve has attracted many bochurim to his phenomenal thread, i would like to mention something in addition to Eved Hashem's comment that he doesn't want to be go through what some married guys are going through. 



Over the last few months i have had the sad opportunity of meeting with a number of couples during that "Tisha B'av moment" when a wife discovers what her husband has been up to. The trauma, the tears, the fear, the anger, the shock, the complete shattering of both of their self confidences, the betrayal, the hypocrisy, the lies, create one of the most tragic and saddest pictures every single time (at least in all the situations i was involved in). Hollywood would not be able to replicate the drama - the depths of pain that i have witnessed. Fortunately with great syatta d'shmaya, and due to their existing shalom bayis from before, these marriages have BH been salvaged and repaired (or are in the middle of the process as of the present time). but the process is a painful slow one - with two wonderful people suffering immensely. 



Guys, this is no joke. Don't get there! Do you want to chas v'shalom shatter a wonderful girl - as well as shatter yourself? Take care of this now. I beg you to take this seriously. 
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Square one 28 May 2021 13:12 #369135

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Correct me if I'm wrong R' HHM, but I think this can not be the primary motivation for someone. I'm not sure if this motivation will be strong enough to drive a person through this craziness.

I'd love to here from Bochrim's experience as well
Last Edit: 28 May 2021 13:12 by Striving Avreich.

Re: Square one 28 May 2021 13:55 #369140

Day 43 
clean bh
Have a great shabbos everyone

Re: Square one 28 May 2021 17:11 #369146

Striving Avreich wrote on 28 May 2021 13:12:
Correct me if I'm wrong R' HHM, but I think this can not be the primary motivation for someone. I'm not sure if this motivation will be strong enough to drive a person through this craziness.

I'd love to here from Bochrim's experience as well

Idk if I can call it a primary motivation for myself but its definitely a big factor
Think about how good you'll feel if you say no to desire and compare that to how bad you'll feel if you say yes.

Desire is unique in the way that it is never fulfilled -  if you give in the desire comes back even more powerful in just a few days. Telling yourself that its ok because this is really the last time doesn't work because you are just adding new images to your head that will cause future falls.

The Joy of triumph over the yetzer hara is worth the effort it takes to win. It IS worth it! Keep fighting!

My thread: 
Aiming to be better

Feel free to contact me at evedhashem1836@gmail.com

Re: Square one 29 May 2021 20:50 #369160

Day 44
BH clean over shabbos
I woke up on shabbos and stayed in bed for a bit, because I had time until shacharis. I was semi asleep and had some funny dream and an emission, but I'm gonna ignore it as if it was a wet dream which I didn't bring on
Friday was a bit tough in terms of shmiras einaim, didn't realise that a seforim store and a place that sells salads aren't the best places to go on a Friday close to the end of zman for sems, but hindsight is a great thing. Plenty of second and third glances were had. Oh well
Last Edit: 29 May 2021 21:38 by looking_to_improve.

Re: Square one 29 May 2021 21:59 #369161

I think this best sums up how I've been feeling recently. (It's from a longer message I sent to a mentor):

It's just not fun having a sex drive when objectively I know I want to stop masturbating, and that I'm not going to have any sexual release for a few years. Having this sex drive currently is a wholly negative experience right now, and none of the positive aspects are expressed right now. So I'm finding it tough to cope with now

Re: Square one 29 May 2021 23:23 #369162

Tried searching some stuff up tonight, but didn't find anything and didn't masturbate, but can't carry on doing this

Re: Square one 30 May 2021 13:25 #369194

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Looking_to_improve wrote on 29 May 2021 21:59:
I think this best sums up how I've been feeling recently. (It's from a longer message I sent to a mentor):

It's just not fun having a sex drive when objectively I know I want to stop masturbating, and that I'm not going to have any sexual release for a few years. Having this sex drive currently is a wholly negative experience right now, and none of the positive aspects are expressed right now. So I'm finding it tough to cope with now



Again, is it not possible for you to speed up the process? Do you work? Have you learned a trade? I think you're right, it is hard to stop when marriage is so far out of reach. But perhaps if you make a plan, e.g. learn a trade or get a good job, stay in it for a year then go out on shidduch, it could be easier. Or become an avreich. I don't know your current situation but I think it's easier to work this battle out when your outlook is positive. If it's negative, on the other hand, it can easily feel like a burden.
Perhaps making a plan, however long-term, could make things smoother. I remember joining GYE at 21-22 yrs old and getting married at 23. I stayed almost a year clean before getting married. While it was quite a bit of time, it didn't feel that much because I had something to look forward to.
Also, remember that even while married, the release is not guarantee at all. The wife is nida for a minimum of 12 days a month and when she gives birth you have to wait 60 days or so.  Even 12 days of abstaining can have the same feeling of a year. Add the challenge that you live with a woman and have had intimacy with her. The more you rewire your brain that you can live eternally without it (even though it will come to you when the time is right), the easier it will be.
Still I maintain my point above, try to be optimistic and formulate a plan. When your attitude is positive, you have every chance.
Again, the fact that you have abstained for more than 6 weeks is living proof that you can make it. The desire does not build up any more than a week period of abstention, maybe even less.
Keep  up the good work. Also the fact that you haven't acted out, even though you have tried searching stuff is what matters.
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Square one 30 May 2021 14:59 #369202

Looking_to_improve wrote on 29 May 2021 21:59:
I think this best sums up how I've been feeling recently. (It's from a longer message I sent to a mentor):

It's just not fun having a sex drive when objectively I know I want to stop masturbating, and that I'm not going to have any sexual release for a few years. Having this sex drive currently is a wholly negative experience right now, and none of the positive aspects are expressed right now. So I'm finding it tough to cope with now




Again, is it not possible for you to speed up the process? Do you work? Have you learned a trade? I think you're right, it is hard to stop when marriage is so far out of reach. But perhaps if you make a plan, e.g. learn a trade or get a good job, stay in it for a year then go out on shidduch, it could be easier. Or become an avreich. I don't know your current situation but I think it's easier to work this battle out when your outlook is positive. If it's negative, on the other hand, it can easily feel like a burden.


Perhaps making a plan, however long-term, could make things smoother. I remember joining GYE at 21-22 yrs old and getting married at 23. I stayed almost a year clean before getting married. While it was quite a bit of time, it didn't feel that much because I had something to look forward to.


I'm a 20 year old yeshiva bochur. The handful of guys I know, who are a year older than me, who are engaged/ married were already going out with their wives before they began yeshiva.
I'm not really sure that I can speed this up right now. I'm going to be studying for a few years anyway before I start working. Even if I could speed it up, I don't think it's very healthy to begin a marriage with 45 days clean and still very much in the battle. I think there's an article on the site saying you should be at least 90, and although its not a hard and fast rule, I don't think I'm in that right place yet. I personally wouldn't want to marry someone who is still having to work on this area a lot, nor do I want to marry someone else while I'm having to put in a lot of effort for myself, that's not fair on the girl.



Also, remember that even while married, the release is not guarantee at all. The wife is nida for a minimum of 12 days a month and when she gives birth you have to wait 60 days or so.  Even 12 days of abstaining can have the same feeling of a year. Add the challenge that you live with a woman and have had intimacy with her. The more you rewire your brain that you can live eternally without it (even though it will come to you when the time is right), the easier it will be.
Still I maintain my point above, try to be optimistic and formulate a plan. When your attitude is positive, you have every chance.
Again, the fact that you have abstained for more than 6 weeks is living proof that you can make it. The desire does not build up any more than a week period of abstention, maybe even less.
Keep  up the good work. Also the fact that you haven't acted out, even though you have tried searching stuff is what matters.


Thank you

Re: Square one 30 May 2021 19:26 #369218

Day 45
Clean bH
Halfway to 90 (whatever that counts for)

Re: Square one 31 May 2021 20:43 #369276

Day 46
Clean bH

Re: Square one 31 May 2021 22:43 #369279

Still trying to search for things to look at.I haven't internalised my thoughts, and they aren't reflected in my actions. I have more taiva than I remember this far into a streak. I need to stop being overly reliant on my filter

Re: Square one 01 Jun 2021 04:42 #369291

Looking_to_improve wrote on 31 May 2021 22:43:
Still trying to search for things to look at.I haven't internalised my thoughts, and they aren't reflected in my actions. I have more taiva than I remember this far into a streak. I need to stop being overly reliant on my filter

you really want to get back to "square one" and fall and keep falling?

Didn't think so. Once u fall its very easy to get in a rut and spend who knows how long before getting back up. This won't magically go away throughout life we will have periods with som urges to look at inappropriate material we cant give in every time.

So strengthen urself and stop "testing the filter" and looking at stuff because eventually ull succeed at bypassing the filter but fail at ur journey of cleanliness bc ull fall from seeing them.

DONT DO IT

Last few days looks like u haven't been so strong u gotta recommit.. maybe write out a pros cons list to acting out or looking at bad material to clear ur mind
Think about how good you'll feel if you say no to desire and compare that to how bad you'll feel if you say yes.

Desire is unique in the way that it is never fulfilled -  if you give in the desire comes back even more powerful in just a few days. Telling yourself that its ok because this is really the last time doesn't work because you are just adding new images to your head that will cause future falls.

The Joy of triumph over the yetzer hara is worth the effort it takes to win. It IS worth it! Keep fighting!

My thread: 
Aiming to be better

Feel free to contact me at evedhashem1836@gmail.com
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