Day twenty one.

This depression ain’t going away.

I’m proud of my victory today, and I’ve done some things better today then yesterday. Learned a bit more, took better care of myself. Went for a walk/jog for 25 minutes. Spoke to my psychiatrist.

But the depression persists. The low self-esteem is only slightly higher then it has been recently. The resentment towards myself, God and the circumstances he put me in are still simmering beneath the surface and bubbling up into my conscious mind. I need to be redeemed from it. I need a קריעת ים סוף, in my mind and heart. 

Going to bed now. Having an urge to act out. But I won’t, בעזרת ה׳.

I plan to wake up relatively early (at least by this week’s standard) and walk or run and daven with a minyan. Hopefully it’ll work out and I’ll climb out of this rut...

Got up later then I planned to, didn’t get to work out. But I made it to Shachris for the first (?) time this week. Hopefully this day will be better in other ways as well...

Wishing you all much success today

Day twenty two 

So it’s bein hazmanim again. Haven’t touched an unfiltered device yet, and I ain’t planning on it till I finish writing up the rules of engagement and sending it to my GYE accountability partner.

Otherwise I’m doing reasonably well.
Had an appointment today with a new therapist which went very well. Have a friends engagement party to go to tonight. So it’s nice and busy.

Just finished up my contract and sent it to my “mashgiach “. Heading to bed. Busy day tomorrow...

I really want to watch porn.
My yetzer tov is very strong right now.
This is hell.

Just fell.
It’s so interesting how the pain of not falling is never as great as the pleasure of falling. It’s almost as if the desire to fall is a fantasy about a pleasure that doesn’t actually exist.

Uch, sorry to hear that man. This time period is super rough...
Keep in touch buddy, we’ll get through this on top

Sukkah 52A

R. Yehuda taught: “In the future, the Holy One, blessed be He, will bring the yetzer hara and slaughter it before the righteous and the wicked. To the righteous, it appears as a tall mountain. To the wicked, it appears as a hairsbreadth. Each group cries. The righteous cry and say: ‘How were we able to conquer this tall mountain?’ The wicked cry and say: ‘How were we unable to conquer this hairsbreadth?’

Sorry to hear 

The thing with me is, even after I fall and see how it's nothing, I usually want to fall shortly thereafter so now it's a time of extra vigilance.

It's also a really good time for introspection. What caused this fall, and what could you do different that would prevent it in the future?

I think I need to create a plan that includes delay tactics for before a fall and consequences for a fall. I’m going to think about it and write something up. If anyone has such a plan please share suggestions.

I think I also need to accept that this is a lifelong issue and I’ll have to find the strength within me to fight it. I’m sure marriage will help me as far as having a kosher outlet for sexual desires, but I’m not kidding myself into thinking that once I’m married I will never have urges to act out. I know that’s silly. So the sooner I learn that giving in to urges is not an option and that acting out is never as gratifying and pleasurable as to make it worth it ever, I’ll be on much better footing to keep fighting.

Just wrote up a new contract, effective till 1 Iyar. Sent it to three GYE friends. Hope it works.

OivedElokim wrote on 21 Mar 2021 01:59:


The delay tactic that works best for me is to listen to inspiring music. Whenever I feel the urge getting too strong I listen to the music and it gets my head back on straight. It reminds me that I can't let myself go, that I'm in control and that I should follow my dream, and that I should be just as relentless in trying to win as the YH is trying to make me lose. It can really change what you're feeling if you want it to. Give it a try!

Sounds like a good idea. I am actually a music addict, but I never thought of it as a delay tactic.
Do you have specific stuff you listen to as a delay?
Would love to hear if yes. Always appreciate music recommendations

OivedElokim wrote on 21 Mar 2021 18:18:

Music is an amazing idea 100%! I'm also a music addict (for me sefira is takeh harder than the whole shmiras habris thing lol). I got tons of kosher music recommendations. What are you into?