I just want to echo what some others said, Don't leave this chat and keep posting and fighting. 

Hatslocho,

Aaron613 wrote on 17 Dec 2020 06:07:

Been there, done that, moved on. 

Welcome Aaron your situation sounds horribly familiar but you're a fighter. You sounds like you really want to break free. You've come to the right place. 
You say you can do about 2 months clean at times. In that case you should not be describing it as 'part of you'. It sounds like you have amazing willpower and just need some chizzuk sometimes and to remind yourself why you don't want to be doing this. 

B"h there is plenty of chizzuk here, great family, just share when it gets rough and in general stick around and you'll get there sooner than you think. 

Hatzlocho 

Hi Aaron613,

Mazel tov!
May you be zoche to build a beautiful warm and inviting home!

Welcome to to the club!
Thank you for sharing alittle about yourself and your story.

You say you tried your hardest...well now you are not fighting alone. Please keep updating your ups and downs, frustrations and celebrations!

Please post as often as possible, even just your daily clean count. It helps with accountability and gives chizuk to many members on GYE.

Wishing you much success !
Afreilechen Chanukah!

Thank you all for the support. I should’ve came here right after shabbos. I watched some really bad things but b”h was not motzei zera. It’s such a weird thing I go through...I have this drive to watch such bad things which I do but I rarely act on it by being m”z, I get myself worked up (on purpose) only to shut it off last minute and literally jump out of my chair. This has been repeating itself often. 
Not sure if it’s a success if I watched but didn’t act on it. Just posting here because many advise me to. 

You are a massive hero!!!!
I never managed to control it bshaas maase!!! 
One thing worked for me when I got married even to keep my eyes down on the street was, I considered it a mini betrayal to my wife to be lusting.

Welcome to GYE! 

Good for you for posting here! Specifically, you said just posting because everyone advised you to post. That is a huge start to getting support and overcoming temptation. When I first came on GYE many years ago I didn't want to post and I didn't end up getting enough from GYE to break free. It was only when I was able to be vulnerable and take advantage of the forums that I really was able to break free!

Another piece of advice - you should start realizing you are an incredible person! There are so many people who don't take the step to break free and just spend years saying they are going to stop. Hashem helps those who want to be helped! 

Keep your head high, continue to post, and celebrate every small victory! 

Aaron613 wrote on 20 Dec 2020 05:53:

Ya, I used to do that all the time...
I feel ya

Aaron613 wrote on 20 Dec 2020 05:53:





Been there done that
You can decide if you were successful or not.
If you are focused on not being mzl then I guess with a grain of salt you can say you were successful..?

If you are focused on not watching porn or triggers then it would be a fall.

What do you think?

Either way, you have to get filters. Their is very little chance you will be successful without it.

Oh ya, keep posting!

So I had a fall today. Was listening to some really bad shmutz in the bathroom. I feel horrible about it but the worst part is that I just get up and go about my day because I’m so used to living with this guilt after it happens. Been the story of my life since I was 14. 
But as always, I sincerely promise to Hashem that no matter what I will never stop fighting, not now, not ever. 
I don’t like posting because other people shouldn’t have to burden themselves with my challenges but I was told not to leave this forum so here I am informing you all. I’m putting it all out there. 

This addiction thrives on shame and isolation. Don’t “spare us” from hearing about your struggles. That’s what we’re all here for. You won’t be judged, you will be helped and supported. The more openly and honestly you face this issue, the quicker and easier you will overcome it.

Hi Aaron!
I would suggest that maybe sit down and make this a project.
One of the major things about GYE that I felt helped me was, that it made it into a real working on this topic.
I also used to sometimes, fall, pick myself up,
felt a little bad promised to fight and go about my day... but when I found GYE I for the first time sat down, made a cheshben why I wanted to stop, made a decision, and a plan. what triggers me? What would work best while having an urge? Etc etc 
now when I have a fall it's not a general "I fell", I know what led to it, what triggered me and I try to adjust accordingly.
the whole notion that it wasn't just a decision "I'm not falling anymore.." but a real project that I work on, this itself made a big difference for me. And maybe it will help you too.
wishing you much hatzlacha!

Aaron613 wrote on 22 Dec 2020 01:03:

A burden? A BURDEN?!
A special Jew who yearns to live a life of purity and is encountering some bumps is not a Burden.
ITS A ZECHUS!! AN HONOR!!!

Assisting a valiant warrior in Hashems army is anything but a burden!

Yaa listening to shmutz is rough, massive taiva for me too.
Thats actually a reason I feel it’s better to use my filtered iPhone than my kosher phone which has radio...

What do u access it on?

Thank you all for your support it means the world. I did make a plan several months ago but I have read it in a while or updated it. 
I absolutely love music I need it in my day so I use Spotify but Spotify has so much garbage on it and it’s so easily accessible I keep falling...but I absolutely need my music.

Aaron613 wrote on 20 Dec 2020 05:53:

Hi there, I have been reading through your thread and I am very impressed with your openness and willingness to fight! I just want to mention that this behavior is not necessarily a positive one. I have been there many times and sometimes the reason you don't want to finish is just to keep the taiva burning in you so you watch or get turned on more. Just wanted to point that out.
Chazak vematz!