On to day three here. It's been tough but in a different sort of way.

I haven't slept much the past two nights - just feeling jittery and uptight.

One of the things that I have learned through all this is that it's generally not the urge that makes abstaining so difficult. Instead, it's the living without what the addiction gave me that is so difficult.

In the past, the addiction gave me the answer for when I was upset, felt down, guilty, and even for feeling bored. The addiction gave me the ability to not deal with all those difficult feelings. I have to learn to be able to be okay with difficult feelings and not fall apart because I no longer have that pacifier.

Self-control is something addicts often struggle with. I think it's a mix of nature and nurture. Many of us can look back at our lives and realized that we never did well accepting ourselves (for whatever reason) and this addiction became our means to allow us to live without accepting ourselves because we were able to escape through the addiction - instead of dealing with it.

That's definitely is the case for me.

As a therapist, this whole thing is eye opening. However much I have been blessed to help others I am so blinded when looking at myself. This experience (even over these few short couple days) is eye opening and so very humbling.

I think I need to really work on accepting myself and being okay with difficult emotions and guilt in order to be able to succeed.

Chazal teach us that Ilmulei Hakadosh Baruch Hu OZro Eino Yuchol Lo. I pray that I succeed together with all of us here.

I’m no therapist, but I’ve acted as a mentor for others in various ways, including some n this site . I can definitely relate to this sentiment:

withgdthereshope wrote on 16 Dec 2020 19:24:

Yes! Self acceptance, such a tremendous Yesod.

Maybe check out “Maareches Ha’Adam” in Alei Shur cheilek Bais...

Stay strong and stay connected! We’re in this together.

With love,

YeshivaGuy

Hi W.G.T.H,

I'm not a therapist but I qualify because I'm a member of gye

the first step that pushed me to get serious about my issue was to eccept myself.
I eccepted the fact that I have a problem that I can't fix myself.

I don't know what as a therapist you tried and I also don't know if you want or need my advice but maybe you have to be completely honest with yourself, where you are holding. Perhaps even start with the basics.
Maybe even pretend you are a client and have a conversation with yourself ( I'm completely serious)

I'm probably not much help but this is what I was thinking when I read your post. I'm sure the more experienced GYE members will be more helpful.

At the very least, you know I'm reading your posts and you are acknowledged.

I wish you much success!

Please keep us updated

I remember once speaking to a Gadol about something and exasperated I said "I can help everyone else besides myself!" He was completely deadpan when he responded. "That's the way it is. Chazal tell us Ein Chuvush Mattir Atzmo Mbeis HaAssurim." He took it as an obvious idea. Like, "Of course, Chazal tell us this already." To me it was and still is surprising but the truth is this is just the way the world works.

withgdthereshope wrote on 16 Dec 2020 20:43:

This was in response to @OivedElokim

YeshivaGuy wrote on 16 Dec 2020 19:32:

I've got to check this out. Thank you!

Zedj wrote on 16 Dec 2020 20:01:

This IS helpful and I appreciate it. I clearly don't know the answers. If I did, I wouldnt be here! I think you're right. I need to start with the basics. I'm begining to think that because of my job and knowledge base I have continuously skipped over the basics and that has made things much harder. This is excellent advice. Thank you and please share whatever you got!

Welcome! If you don't run off I can assure you of growth and vouch for the potential of overcoming this struggle.

As mentioned, even if one has the knowledge of how to accomplish something, it does not necessarily mean they contain the wherewithal to achieve that. An architect can design a building but cannot actually construct it.

A therapist may have had the schooling to guide a client, but he doesn't necessarily contain the strength of character and discipline necessary to put his directions into play. When in the frame, we can't see the picture.

You mentioned you are a well known therapist.  I don't know for certain if that's true or not, but I'm going to accept that for now. Here's my idea built upon what R' Zedj proposed.

When in a situation or confronted with a struggle, play the client. On the forum write out the problem and share your feelings as if you were one of your clients consulting you as a therapist. Then answer it the way you would as a therapist. Now take a step back and view it from this new perspective. With a bird's eye view.

This can potentially be one of the most iilluminating and educational threads yet.

All us fellow strugglers will he here to learn, guide, and be here for you. Hatzlacha!

                                   Grant

Grant400 wrote on 16 Dec 2020 21:36:

This is a great idea and I appreciate it, but don't know if I'm capable of it. I'm begining to think that my "playing therapist" was also a means to escape and make myself feel better and for once I have to let go and be completely open and vulnerable without playing any role. All I want is to learn from all you heroes.

withgdthereshope wrote on 17 Dec 2020 01:33:

I understand that. Good point. So, we are all here with you. Share away!

withgdthereshope wrote on 16 Dec 2020 20:43:

I don’t remember the source, but there is a play on the words of the mishna regarding a Kohen inspecting צרעת-That a person doesn’t have the ability to see his own deficiencies. That’s why קנה לך חבר is so important. The ultimate is a real life חבר, but GYE is a good place to start...

OivedElokim wrote on 17 Dec 2020 03:20:

One day maybe I'll have the guts to do it real life. So far I haven't even been able to confide in a therapist. Even doing it here is a big step for me but step by step...

When you you get out of this mess, you will be a better therapist. You will understand the sacrifice your clients take upon themselves on a daily basis.


Question for the therapist:
I once heard from a a known speaker-sombody asked him "do you believe everything you say" he replied "if I repeated everything I believe, I wouldn't say anything"

Do you believe the advice you give a client is true and works?

It mind sound stupid but this is what I'm wondering.
Is that maybe the reason you are hesitant to go to therapy yourself?
Or maybe you are like me, petrified of the unknown and just can't bring yourself to speak to someone to admit you have a problem?

Speaking to someone lightened the load tremendously.
At your your own time, when you are ready, call someone or speak to someone you can trust. The sooner the better.
You will be playing 4d chess while your opponent is playing checkers

Zedj wrote on 17 Dec 2020 03:47:

I thought I responded and it disappeared!

I think your points are both accurate.

I do believe that I help people, but I focus on practical change and I see the results. Unfortunately, I don't believe that the average therapist is a magic pill especially when it comes to more complex and unclear struggles. Dealing with phobias or general anxiety is one thing, dealing with something more encompassing like depression that doesn't seem to have a clear root or an addiction that doesn't either is a different ball game. This doesn't mean that I believe therapy wont be good for me - I think it would be very beneficial. I am wary of the idea that it will be some magic pill though.

The main struggle though is simply facing someone and coming out with it. I've spent years in therapy and only mentioned the very basic idea of addiction once. Even posting here is a big step, but I hope it will be a step that leads to getting to a point where I am able to have that conversation with a therapist.