Ok, I've been here before and I've even been clean for awhile and then I fell again and again. This RH YK time I thought I really grew. I had this stuff working for awhile. Of course, I fell again.
A lot of things bother me and I'm sure it's not just me but I'm going to rant because I need to get it off my chest.
I'm a known personality in the mental health world. This is my expertise and all and yet I have never been brave enough to meet a therapist and work it through which is messed up. I "know" soo many things in theory but yet I don't do it. 
And yet I'm the well known professional that guides thousands. What a loser.
I don't want pity I can't stand it. I don't want chizuk. I don't know what I want but it's not that. 
After all my years in the mental health world I'm not a big believer in the 12 steps. Sure it works for so many people but the idea that we remain addicts throughout life doesn't fit the way mental health works and doesn't make sense. Yet, that's what it's about. I can go on and on.
But I know it works for so many so who cares anyway. Just do it. Yet, I can't. Maybe I can't accept the idea that I'm not in control. That's definitely what 12 step believers and other therapists will tell me...
Who cares anyway. I don't know.
So why am I here? For two reasons.
1- I have to do my part and every moment is a new struggle. Every time I win it's huge so I'm here to do my part.
2- Theres an amazing Rabbeinu Yona in Mishlei that says that if we continuously try we can trust that G-d will help us overcome in the long run. I don't have it offhand, but if anyone wants it let me know and I'll bln try to find it.

So here I am after another fall deciding to try for 90 days. If nothing else, it's the right thing and at this moment I am trying and however much darkness I have done, the light of this action still shines.

Welcome home.
It takes a lot of courage and humility for one to reach out for help and to accept their chesronos.

May you be matzliach!

Welcome! You should have success here!

Sounds like you have a tremendous amount of knowledge. Maybe you can stick around and assist others too?

Welcome!

Some people like the 12 steps and it works for them. Some people don't. If you want to try some other resources that have worked for me and many others, check these out. They seem much more your speed.

The Battle of the Generation https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation.

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight: https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

Hatzlocha.

Welcome

If you're having a hard time with the 12 steps maybe try SMART Recovery its a program that empowers people to achieve independence from unwanted behaviors with a science-based 4-point program:

1. Building and Maintaining Motivation
2. Coping with Urges
3. Managing Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviors
4. Living a Balanced Life

SMART Recovery is an international non-profit organization that provides assistance to individuals seeking abstinence from unwanted behaviors. SMART stands for Self-Management and Recovery Training. The SMART approach is secular and science-based, using cognitive behavioral therapy and motivational methods.

To learn more about SMART Recovery, visit https://www.smartrecovery.org.

Guardyoureyes also has live meetings in Lakewood as well as a Sunday morning Zoom meeting for more info please email yd@guardyoureyes.org

All the best,
Yaakov

If you have keilim to help other people, than maybe the actual helping other people might kickstart something in you, or a lightbulb might go off in your head.
so to echo hats grant, maybe stick around just to help others in this specific issue aband it might rub off on yourself.     
All the best.      Jack

I appreciate this. Was in a tough place when writing this.

This is a good point and maybe can push me forward. I appreciate it. I wrote this in a pretty tough space, but this idea pushes me forward.

SMART always talked to me more, but I have never really went into it in any real way. Would you know of any practitioners that specialize in SMART? If you do or you know where I can look I would love a pm.

withgdthereshope wrote on 15 Dec 2020 01:42:

Hi please send me an email to yd@guardyoureyes.org and I'll guide you through some options.

All the best,
Yaakov