Morning Seder today felt very sluggish and tired from late nights and early selichos, and would probably be susceptible to urges. Went to have something to eat before shiur and had a very solid shiur today bH. Feeling in a much better mood now

Having a very stressful and anxious night, Corona related. Not really looking to act out to escape from the reality, pretty much just facing the stress head on (and also demolishing a bag of skittles)

Hang in there buddy. Corona stress is a real issue, but there are a lot of guys you can kvetch to about it. The oilam has "had it" with corona.

Looking_to_improve wrote on 16 Sep 2020 19:39:

Having a pretty tough night, but bH not going down the wrong path into acting out. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep and won't feel so rough in the morning

Looking_to_improve wrote on 15 Sep 2020 21:31:

Hey brother. Great post and KUTGW! This post brought some thoughts up for me, so I hope that it's OK for me to share. It really is hard to make changes after falls that are actually effective. It is even hard to KNOW what changes to make! I definitely relate to that and what I realized for myself is that instead of that behavior being foolish and regrettable, it actually was unavoidable and part of the process of growth. I used to think that if I can just find the correct way to go about solving this struggle then I'd be set. In the end it turned out that growth is a lot more messy and confusing than that. Mistakes and failures REALLY are part and parcel of growth. No child that currently walks has got there without falling many times. When they got up and tried again they didn't necessarily have a different strategy. 

Regarding staying out of the ring, I think you really hit the nail on the head! That really is definitely a massive part of this. I would just like to take issue with your characterization of the YH hitting you at a weakness. Sexual desire and impulses are not a weakness or a bad thing. It is part of the nature of man. I'm not weak because I have desire and am affected by things I see. I am human. Also, I would like to challenge the contention "that you've made no meaningful changes." I think that not giving up and continuing to accumulate clean days is continued growth. But that is just one man's opinion. Who said that streaks getting longer is a necessary element to prove that there is a "meaningful change." 

Anyways, sending you all my love and wishes for continued hatzlacha! None of the above was meant as a challenge at all. Just some thoughts that came up for me that I thought might be useful to you or others. If they are not, find your closest trash can   

Ihavestrength wrote on 17 Sep 2020 03:23:

Thank you for sharing, really appreciate it. It's always good to hear another opinion other than the one in the echo chamber that is my head.

I think you're right about the YH, the desire is natural, but hyping it up and making you think about acting out is the YH.
When I said I've made no meaningful changes, I meant over the last few months, more recently in the last few weeks I feel that I have

Still not feeling great this morning, not in a good mood

Looking_to_improve wrote on 17 Sep 2020 05:39:

It's very normal to have ups  and downs in our moods.  Do you have a good chaver in yeshiva you can talk it over with?  I know that helps when I get into a funk. 

Dave M wrote on 17 Sep 2020 19:14:

I spoke to a Rebbe today about some of my concerns, and I've been speaking to some guys. People have come into contact with cases and I'm nervous that rules aren't always being kept. It's different to a regular bad day
Thanks for the suggestion!

Looking_to_improve wrote on 17 Sep 2020 19:23:

Not sure exactly what you mean  'people have come into contact with cases.' I imagine you mean corona wise. Remember what my Rav told us right at the start of corona. "Either you catch corona, or you don't. If you don't, great! If you do, 1 of 2 things happen. Either you get it bad, or mild. If mild, nothing to worry about so great! If you get it bad, 1 of 2 things happen. Either you get really ill, or just ill for a couple of weeks with flu like symptoms. If its the latter, you'll be ill for a bit, but after that you'll be fine, so great! If you get really ill, 1 of 2 things happen. Either you live, or you die. If you live, great! If you die, 1 of 2 things happen. Either you go upstairs or downstairs. If you go upstairs, its unbelievable! Its better than all of olam hazzeh combined! Its paradise! So great! If you go downstairs, not so great. So do teshuva, make sure you don't go downstairs, and every other option is great, so nothing to worry about!

I don't know if my bit of humor is what you need right now, but either way I wish you well and hope you have a sweet  amazing new year.

Keisva v'chasima tova.

Still been a bit anxious, but been in a bit of a better state of mind. Very thankful to Hashem that I've stayed clean over these last few days, it hasn't been a strong fight, but often being more stressed can overflow into acting out. Also glad that I am coming into rosh hashono with 2 and a half clean weeks, bH.

Hope everyone has a kesiva vechasima tova!

Rosh Hashono - clean
Didn't sleep so much over the last few days, but bH somehow I still had a good yom tov with good davening.

Today was mostly ok. I saw a bit of a trigger, but from a WhatsApp group that's for a positive thing. It's not immediately obvious that I should avoid it, but then I realised that it's probably my yh talking. I made use of the good while I could, and when I realised that it's going to be an issue, I left it there, I've done what I can so far to benefit, but I'm going to get rid of it whilst my mind is still clear that there could be a problem, before it actually does become a problem.

3 weeks is on the horizon tomorrow beH. Feels like it went by quite quickly. I'm going to set my next goal for motsei Yom Kippur (isru chug? I mean the daytime). Tuesday, so 9 days from today I think.

Avoiding triggers helps a lot with controlling thoughts, there's nothing to think about when you don't see anything. Seeing a trigger today makes me realise  that when you see one, my mind starts to head down the wrong path. Personally some of my triggers aren't always inappropriate per se, so they don't always strike me as something to avoid, but once you realise it's causing you issues, it's probably best to avoid. For me at least, I'm not missing out on anything anyway if I get rid of them, so it's a no brainer.

3 weeks clean today! Wow, thank you Hashem for helping me get this far.
Thank you to all of you for helping me along the way, looking forward to seeing you all around as we continue!
I think I'll rather make my next goal 30 days, so it's just like the 90 day count. 

Had a huge amount of stress and anxiety over the last few day. Spoke things through with a madrich tonight, beH things will change soon and I'll feel somewhat back to normal.

I think being in this situation means 1 of 2 things:
Either I feel overwhelmed and have less desire to act out and fall.
Or I feel an greater sense of wanting to escape from the current situation, into the fake reality I often fall back to.

Still finding it hard to judge which one it is. It feels like I've had less desire to act out, so seems like the former, but I hope the lower desire is because of progress I've made. If it is the latter, then I'm really glad bH to had made it through such a tough situation, it gives me confidence that I can make it through easier times.

Every morning we ask to not be לידי נסיון, (meaning that I'd like it to be the latter and that I've progressed, but that means I'm still in a big nisayon, until the situation passes) so I think while I'm still dealing with this situation, I'll treat it as the former, once the situation passes maybe I'll start to look back at it more as the latter.

I hope it's not too vague, I hope this makes some sort of semblance of sense, I'm feeling tired, yet restless at the same time, so don't really know how that's impacting my writing right now...

Hang in there buddy. Stay strong.

I once read 'worry is like paying interest on a debt you may never owe.' So whilst I can't tell you not to stress (because, lets face it, it doesn't work like that) try and keep calm however you can. Stress is never good, but for us it can be really bad.

If you feel less desire to act out, that's great. However, I really don't want to be a pessimist, but I don't think you're out of the danger zone yet. 3 weeks is incredibly impressive, but a little optimistic to think the taiva would lessen yet. That having been said, it varies person to person, so you never know. Just be prepared for any lust attacks, because they may cv still come.

I hope your situation sorts out. In the meantime, don't drop your guard. 

Have a great new year, gemar chasima tova, with only beracha and hatzlocha.

p.s. congrats on 3 weeks!