500 cumulative days clean, a bittersweet moment.
It's a lot of clean days, but not many strung together

It took me a long time to get to a month clean, at least a year since I joined GYE. I fell, but managed to have another 2/3 periods of a month each where I was clean. Even managed to get up to 60 days clean at one point. 
Since then its felt like a bit of a regression back to where I was, back to the plateau of struggling to break the cycle of going more than a week or two clean, which is where I was 500 days ago. Back to square one. 

Falls are normal in the beginning, but are they still normal 500+ days in? 
Have I progressed? I don't know. Yes I had clean periods, but why have I returned to this cycle? I know there's no short path to success, but I'm on the long windy path and it feels like it goes in circles. After a lot of trekking, the viewpoint of the rest of the journey looks suspiciously familiar as it did a long time ago. While other guys come here on GYE, and bH make great progress, I feel lost in the maze, finding myself back near the start.

My thoughts are racing, but I have nothing else commit to writing. Just an overwhelming feeling of disappointment in myself

Something that Dov has mentioned in a bunch of older posts (I'm pretty sure I remember reading them on HakolHevel's thread) that GYE is like a gateway drug. An important part of many people's recovery is speaking to real live people and having a real relationship with them. I'm far behind you (only at a streak of 37 days as of writing this) and don't know where you're holding but you may find that useful.
Also, obviously having a good filter that is properly configured really helps.

But overall, 500 days clean is spectacular! It's wonderful to hear that you are still going at this and looking for ways to improve!!

It seems like you realize that something isn't working and needs to change. That is an important part of growth, knowing when to no only push hard but push differently.

Hatzlachah! I really admire you!

My new thread can be found here:
guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/364367-Square-one#367341