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Restarting the journey, after a plateau
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: Restarting the journey, after a plateau 11539 Views

Re: Restarting the journey, after a plateau 15 Oct 2020 07:26 #356247

Football was good last night. Came back and spent a while trying to test out my filter. Didn't get through and didn't slip or fall, but really shouldn't have been doing it. After being on my longest streak, and not having any urges or negative thoughts for most of it, it brings you back down to earth realising you are still a 20 year old foaming at the mouth because he might have access to social media.
​Stayed up till 2:30 or 3 on GYE, so weird night all around.

"Ihavestrength" post=356210 date=1602721067 catid=4

We act based on our beliefs. So if I believe that completely filtering my devices is necessary for me not to look at inappropriate things, then if I am not filtered, I will feel like I can't help myself but look.

This is very true. I think there's a fine line between being preemptive and aware of what can cause you problems, as opposed to creating problems for yourself where there wouldn't have been otherwise had you not thought too much about that situation.


This is why I actually do not use filters.

Do you use accountability software or something else instead?


That said, maybe you can reframe your use of filters to something like, "I use it so I don't accidentally find schmutz", or "I use it so if I have a weak second and search something, it will act as a reminder and I won't have already looked at inappropriate things". Hope that helps!

I think this is the correct mindset, just it can be hard lemaase to put it into practice. Even with the correct mindset, you still have to fix loopholes otherwise breaking through becomes trivial, and this feels like you are pushinh all the work of prevention onto the filter, and away from our own self control

Re: Restarting the journey, after a plateau 15 Oct 2020 10:49 #356253

Who knew a quick question would launch such a wellspring of intelligent answers?

I totally agree with the group here. When restricting access completely, it doesn't help you get clean. I can go to yeshiva for 6 months and stay totally clean, then come home and fall all over again. 

As in the often used analogy, think of a muscle. So a guys bench pressing. He tries benching 250 pounds, and it falls on him. How should he proceed in the future? If he takes off all the weight, it won't fall on him anymore. But nor will he get stronger, and if he is forced to bench press in the future, he won't be able to stop it falling on him again. So he takes off some of the weight. First he benches 10 pounds. Then 20. Then 30. Or he exercises his arms and chest, in other safer ways.  So when he benches again, he can do it.

Same by taiva. We use our spiritual muscles to 'bench press' the taiva, to avoid acting out or doing aveiros. But if we just totally abstain, and then for some reason if the taiva hits, we have no way to resist. In fact, it can even strengthen the taiva. So we fall. But if we build our spiritual muscles over time we get stronger at resisting taiva.

This muscle building can happen in two ways. We can resist little bits of taiva, and increase the taiva a bit at a time, or we can work in the positive spectrum, adding love and fear of Hashem into our lives each and every day. Both build the spiritual strength, albeit the latter is far safer and secure.

So in practice, like Ihavestrength said, filters can't and shouldn't be used to avoid the nisayon totally. Cos if so, when the nisayon does hit, and unless you live in the middle of Benei Berak, it will, you won't be ready. A filter limits the ease in which we can act out, and that's about it. It pushes the battel into easier territory. It makes the weight we are benching a 'should I test my filter, just to see if it works' weight, as opposed to a 'if I type in 4 letters I can have all the shmutz at my fingers' weight. But ultimately, we need to work on adding fear of G-d each day, plus resisting some temptation each day.

Fixing loopholes is only necessary if you find loopholes. And finding loopholes is mostly going to happen when you look for them. So if you try and resist testing the filters limits, and use the filter as a safeguard only, then you are benching a lighter weight. Which helps build muscle for the real challenge in the future.

Sorry if this was rambly or preachy in any way. I have filter issues myself, so don't think I'm being high and mighty. Just giving my take.

יהי רצון שהדברים לתועלת

Today I will do what others won't, so tomorrow I can do what others can't.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.
We all make choices in life, but in the end, our choices make us.

Re: Restarting the journey, after a plateau 15 Oct 2020 11:05 #356255

I fell this morning. Was very tired from being up late last night, and should have just gone to sleep, like I did afterwards, but I was very patient and driven to fall. I went on a social media site which I thought was blocked, then it stopped working after a few mins, I should have left it there and called it a slip. Spent a while trying to get back to it, then eventually when I did, I spent 3 hours looking at memes and sports highlights, I acted out.

In the moment my main thought was why am I doing this to myself? It doesn't feel good in the moment, even more so when I'm tired. This feeling comes almost immediately.

Where do I go from here? I've emailed my filter company to try get it changed, not sure why it's not already blocked. Going to aim to get to sleep tonight clean, it's a small goal, but I need to start over again immediately, can't let myself fall multiple times. Disappointing to be back to day 0, but I've proven to myself that I can make it much more than 2 weeks which I've been stuck in for a while, so I've definitely made a lot of progress, I'm not back to square zero (one), just day zero. I made it 44 days,(and 365 cumulative days) so almost half of 90, and most of it were really solid days, I think I can get to 90 and beyond now.

Seems a bit ironic that after is this talk that the filter isn't the be all and end all, that the main thing I'm changing is my filter. I think I might need some long term plan of how to approach future situations where I can't filter every website except GYE. I don't want to put myself in a situation of nisayon, but I can't be overly reliant on controlling my situation (which I won't always be able to do), as opposed to controlling my reaction.

Will probably post tonight to let you know how I'm getting on

"Grant400" post=354849 date=1599694846 catid=4

You are right at the cusp of breaking your record.

Thank you Grant, I was

Strap your hiking boots back on, pick up your gear and continue your climb up the mountain. There's beauty and happiness waiting for you at the summit. I promise.           

          Your admiring friend,                                                                     Grant

Definitely not at the summit right now, but I think I've made it past this plateau
Last Edit: 15 Oct 2020 11:57 by Looking_to_improve.

Re: Restarting the journey, after a plateau 15 Oct 2020 11:45 #356257

Sorry to hear about the fall buddy. Just get right back up and go strong. 44 days is a month and a half, super impressive.

Looking forward to seeing those numbers rise.

יהי רצון שהדברים לתועלת

Today I will do what others won't, so tomorrow I can do what others can't.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.
We all make choices in life, but in the end, our choices make us.

Re: Restarting the journey, after a plateau 15 Oct 2020 11:50 #356258

Thank you
Looking forward to being 2 days behind you for a while

Re: Restarting the journey, after a plateau 15 Oct 2020 14:48 #356266

  • Hashem Help Me
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Your attitude about moving on after a fall is great. Like the mountain climbing mashal from Grant, if you fall in a ditch, while bandaging your knees, enjoy the view from as high up as you have gotten. Don't look at the fall as rolling down to the bottom. 

Regarding filters and restrictions, there is long term and short term. For most people who are beginning to get a handle on this, filters, restrictions and the like are simply common sense. Honestly, if a guy has a bad habit and has access at his fingertips, he is going to cave in fast. On the other hand when faced with "an overwhelming urge", but no access, he has a good chance that those few extra minutes will allow him to distract himself, reach out for help, etc. Maybe some guys get to a level that they can in the long term do well without filters etc, but most guys i have spoken with have no interest at this point in giving them up. "We daven every day "v'lo li'yedei nisayon", so why should i keep open access?" A little inconvenience is much better than a lot of frustration and depression from continuous falls.  Besides, across the boards, all rabbonim urge for whatever restrictions are possible, so if we listen we have that much more s'yatta d'shmaya. 

I know that there are some (rare) exceptions - guys who are driven to break through filters etc, who have been advised differently. My comments are for the vast majority of us.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Restarting the journey, after a plateau 15 Oct 2020 22:04 #356291

Spent too long this evening looking for an opening to fall. Didn't find one, but not very happy with how I'm acting. Looking forward to choref zman, will have a lot less free time.

Re: Restarting the journey, after a plateau 15 Oct 2020 22:54 #356294

Couldn't stay a few hours clean without falling again. Disappointing

Re: Restarting the journey, after a plateau 16 Oct 2020 11:00 #356313

Fell again this morning.
Need to try stay clean until shabbos and including motsei, and get going again

Re: Restarting the journey, after a plateau 16 Oct 2020 20:40 #356333

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Be strong brother. You got this!
For the background to my name- see Tanya פרק טו.
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Re: Restarting the journey, after a plateau 17 Oct 2020 19:47 #356336

Shavua tov
Clean over shabbos, bH. Had some intrusive thoughts on Friday night, probably dwelled on them for too long.

Re: Restarting the journey, after a plateau 17 Oct 2020 23:07 #356338

Struggling to sleep, it's 2am, feeling quite restless.
Not the greatest prep for choref zman, but looking forward nonetheless. Been reading through my threads again...

Re: Restarting the journey, after a plateau 18 Oct 2020 20:35 #356398

Day 2
Went for a solid run this morning. Had a small urge this evening, but just carried on what I was doing and it passed soon after.

Re: Restarting the journey, after a plateau 19 Oct 2020 10:29 #356422

Been falling myself. But with the onset of winter zman, I hope to stay just 3 days behind you


All the best.

יהי רצון שהדברים לתועלת

Today I will do what others won't, so tomorrow I can do what others can't.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.
We all make choices in life, but in the end, our choices make us.

Re: Restarting the journey, after a plateau 19 Oct 2020 11:48 #356424

I think a few of us have had a rough few days. Read some of your posts in the other threads, really want to respond when I have more time. Forgot how busy yeshiva schedule gets
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